It seems that you are suffering from a neurotic psychiatric disorder. It is hard to explain how neurotic disorders occur and develop but they are probably conditioned by endogenous and exogenous (environmental) reasons. You can seek expert help from a mental health professional to talk about how you can adopt a healthier lifestlye and begin making changes. It is important to balance taking anti-depressants with talking to a mental health professional to gain the full benefits. Additionally, you might consider joining a group of like-minded adults who experience the same feelings...you are not alone. Group psycho-therapy has helped many people understand better who they are...both as individuals and in relationship to others.