Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

I Am Too Possessive

Hi everyone...I am into a relationship which is very sweet and loving. I really care for my girlfriend and she also loves me like anything. We both had good times with each other, but now I am in different country and I am facing problems of so called long distance relationship. I am very protective and possessive about her. She is one of the beautiful girl in her office and place where she lives. I have become very possessive and this creates problems between us. She yells at times because she is very frustated by me and my behaviour. I am really afraid to loose her. Can anyone please help me.
I dont like her wearing revealing clothes. As I cannot see her, I have no idea what she does and I often tend to ask her, so she gets irritated. She has promised me that she wont do anything that will hurt me but I never believe. I also dont like anyone coming close to her or touch her when she is out travelling or going out with anyone. I sound immature, but I really love her and I value her touch to me. Please, its a request if you can help me.
How to avoid this possessiveness about her? How to stay with her and let her do all she likes?
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First Helper huboy00
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replied March 20th, 2006
Extremely eHealthy
Bite you tongue if you cant stop being posseisive(telling your girlfriend how to live) she will leave you a relationship is based on trust and your not putting your 50% in so I would sit down and tell her how you feel in a nice way but she doesnt have to follow any of request I actually find them quite retarded im married and if my husband ever told me what to wear I would tell him to go f*ck himself!



Get some help maybe counselling, cause your relationship is defiantly going to end if you keep acting the way you are, if my husband hugged another woman I couldnt care cause I trust him enough not to push hi limits and he know what they are cause we made basic rules the night before we got married. I told him he evers cheats hes out the door and if he ever hits me I deck him back and kick him out lol!! If you push any woman too far you will learn that they do retaliate!


Sorry to be a !**@! but I hate control freaks!
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replied February 2nd, 2009
Possessive
Hi rdoshi1,

I'm quite interested in this topic: ". let me tell you one thing " relationship goes fine only when you stop expecting her to behave as you want or wish.

these following steps you can follow:

1. Stop asking things like that which u r doing now. give a break for that.
2. When such thoughts came into your mind-- affirm yourself " i love her- i m gonna trust her " keep breathing slowly and think you r just a soul and she is in that.
3. if you feel needy call up and talk some good words so that she will feel better and ur relationship strengthens
4. "Develop sense of humor it will definitely help you.
5. Try to concentrate on your work. Make love as part of life, not wholesome.

ALL THE BEST
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replied February 2nd, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I agree with diamondsz.....If you keep telling your gf what to do and how to live then you are going to push her further away from you.....
I think you should calm down and trust her a relationship is built on trust and if you haven't got that you have nothing...good luck jenny
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replied July 14th, 2009
I have the same problem. I have almost lost my girlfriend. We broke our 9 years relationship after she got job. She is also the most beautiful girl in her office. and all the guys in her office are of our age and bachelor. I used to worry about when she came late at night after work. I know I am too possessive, but I am not able to change myself. I have lost one relationship. I will get married with someone else in next 1-2 years and I don't know what will happend after that. Please help me to change my over possissiveness.

If I marry a girl who is also too possessive like me then can it help to sustain the relationship?
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replied July 14th, 2009
The short and quick of it, in my opinion, is "no".

The best and most satisfying relationships are founded on trust. Being possessive seems to eminate from distrust. I think it's niave to not protect yourself and look at some things critically, but if you're prepared to get married, you should start and end with trust.

Both being possessive will be a nightmare. Learn to trust, but be prepared to accept the pain that sometimes comes from it. As to how to be more trusting of others and secure with yourself...that depends on you...All I can say in that regard is understand you cannot change anyone and need to take them as they come.

I know, I know...easier said than done...that's why relationships should never be taken lightly.

Wish I could help more...
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replied July 15th, 2009
I tried hard to trust her. I used to say myself that trust is the only way to sustain the relationship. but when bad situation comes between us I can't stoped myself to ask question from her. Telling yourself about not to be possessive and actualy performing it is very difficult and painful. only I know that I had waited hours to talk with her, and she used to ignore my call. It was very painful. My personal life had affected my proffesional and social life. I want to change myself but i don't know how? Is it a lack of determination or changing this thinking is a same problem for all the people how have it??
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replied July 20th, 2009
HI
IF YOU ARE A POSSESIVE THAN WHY DID YOUR GIRLFRIEND GOT IN TO A RELATION WITH YOU.GIRLS NEEDS ATTENTION IF THEY CARE FOR YOU THAN THEY WILL ACCEPT YOUR POSSESIVE NATURE AS IT IS SO KICK THOSE GIRLFRIENDS WHO SIMPLY LEAVE RELATION BECAUSE THERE BF IS POSSESIVE
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replied July 22nd, 2009
girls are like eggs if u push it , it will damage. trust her love her and give freedom to her....all the very best
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replied July 22nd, 2009
Active User, very eHealthy
Don't you know that you have no control over anyone's actions but your own? You can try and tell her what to do, but she will do what she wants, and if you force her, you will end up alone. Posessiveness borders on abuse and often leads to it, so you have to decide to trust her, because if you don't and continue your behavior, one way or another, you are going to lose her.
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replied August 6th, 2009
Hi frieds,

Mine is also same story but is of bit different.

I have got married one year back. I am of 28 years old, Eventhough I am of 5'7'' in heght, I look like a 20 years old guy. I am not that handsome and dark in color.

I have got married to a girl who is of good looking and buetiful. I went to see her before marriege and agreed to marry her as she is beautyful. She has not seen me clearly on that day. Later on my engagement day, we have seen together clearly and on that day she told, you looked tall and handsome on out first visit, but this is happening like this. From that point I understood that she do not satisfied with personality. After that, we got married and I thought that I could satisfy her.

We started living together after marriege. After 15 days of staying together, we have seen one guy going infront of our house though window, she suddenly went and open the door to see him clearly, as she was running to see him. At that time, I really felt very bad, Why she is so tempting to see other guys. My heart almost broken on that day.
As in indian community, no one likes to see their wifes attracted towards others.
From that day onwards, I started observing her. Not observing, when only we are statying together, anybody can see what the oethers are doing na.

In my aprtment we used to stay in the gound floor, Parking in in-front of our flat only. Whenever one black Car comes and parked in-front of our door, she used almost run to open the door and see him. One day, I asked her whose car is that? she only told, One guy is working in Satyam Computers and that is his car. I have seen him one day, she is of good looking and handsome guy. From that point onwards, I used to feel very bad, whenever that cars comes and she goes to open the door to see him. But, I could not say anything, just I was thinking why I got the wife like this, instead of of a some sincere girl. The same thing happnes in case of Pulsar bike. Whenever I listen the sound of this Bike, she stops her work in the Kitchen and come to open the door to see him. I have seen that bike-guy one day, He was such a handsome guy that I am no way in comparision to him. This also brokened my heart.

Later, she also got a job in the same company as that of mine. We both used to go to office in the same bus. Then the story again repeated. There is one guy, who is handsome. Whenever she sees him, she starts excited and speaks loudely. She behaves in such a way that she likes him a lot. He and I can understood this, but don;t know that. Whenever she sees him in cafetaria, she turns towards him a lot to see him.

If I show any of my friends to her, She says he is handsome. she always speaks about their personality. After that I stopped making friends, if they are good looking I avoid them. She told many time, she like dusky/black people who are good height and personality. I am black but not having good personality.

After that, We moved nearer to stay in nearby colony to our organization. The same story repeats. There one family used to stay beside our flat. She used to go nearer his house and walked there daily in the morning, even we have the facility to walk in-front of our flat. That was hurted me a lot. One black and handsome guy used to come to our neighbors house now and then. When she listens his sound, she starts going out and to their house to speak to them. That I was not able to digest
that. We fighted a lot and many times on these issues about her behaviour. When my neighbours vacated form that flat, from the next day, she stoped walking in the morning. Like this there are many situation which I cannot digest.

I am not that week, I am 5'7'' and 60Kgs. But, she may not be satisfied with me or I don't no. We used to enjoy a lot sexually. Now, we have a baby also. Only the issue is I am not having good personality than others like 6feets and handsome.

If she sees a good personality guy, she likes them a lot and speaks nicely to them, even if they are not that talkative. She only speaks to them. Whenever we are walking together, if she a guy going infront, she walks fastly. she goes with her friends(boys) by talking with them, instead of waiting for me if I am lttle late. she don;t wait for me. This is also hurting me.

If there are guys, she changes her daily routines and adjust accordingly so that she can spend or come with them in buses.

Because my baby, she used to go early to home. Now a days, some new guys are coming from our locality. So she is coming again in the bus, so that she can come with them. Some situation, she don't me and my baby like this.

If any of our relatives comes to our house, she walks along with them or follows them from this room to that room wherever they goes.

We argue a lot on these things. She says, she likes me. I don;t know whether I like her or not. I like her just because she likes me too. When, she runs after other, I hate her a lot. But, I want to live with her. I know, how difficult for a woman to live after marriege in indian community. But, my problem is, why she is always attracted towards other guys easily. I know how the guys speaks badly about woman in offices and how they try to flat other woman/girls in the office. Even guys tries to flat girls/woman eventhough they are sincere, but what my wife is doing, she only runs after them.

I don't like her speaking to others closely. She like spending with my friends than me. Some times, if any of friends calls me, she says so interestingly to tell him we will come their house.

All these things are making me sleep-less. There are some days when I slept at 5AM in the morning just thinking about these things. If this continues, I may really gone mad soon. I don;t kniw whom to speak these issues.

She says she likes me too, like also. Only the thing she don't like on me I am doughting about her. But, i am doughting her because of her behaviour only. She spend nicely with me in the obsence of other guys. If any guy comes in between, she runs after them. That is hurting me a lot.

When I see a handsome guys to whom she is moving closely, my heart rate increases and i feel very bad like I lost everything in life. I feel I could not satify her as them.

I am want to live with her, but I am not able digest her tempting behaviour towards others. Am i too posessive? Is she too tempting towards other guys? I don;t where the problem is. I am not able to spend the days happily. But, I want to live with her happily. Do I need ask her to change her ways. She is nice girl other than this.
She is very positive about life. I want live with her, but happily.

Can anybody please suggest solution to my problem. Some time she may not able to bare my posessive behaviour. We may take

divource if this problem continues.
Except that she is very nice girl.
Please suggest.
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replied August 6th, 2009
sometimes, i feel like I lost everything in my life. I do not get interest to do anything. I am not able to sleep properly. sometimes I am sleeping at 5am in the morning by thinking about this for the whole night. If it continues for few more days, I may really gone mad soon.
I am not able to understand, whether the mistake is in my way of thinking or in her behaviour. Please suggest me.
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replied August 11th, 2009
Dear Ram,
You condition is more pathetic then mine. I have also the same problem, but I am not married. That was with my girlfriend. I am little bit over weight. In my school, I was the best student in my class, and she was the most beautiful girl in our class. Initially when I proposed her in school she didn't accepted my proposal but when I got admission in very good engg. college then she realized that she may have a secure future with me, I understood this 4-5 years ago when I got admission in the college but still I was happy to got her, because it took me 2-3 years to convince her. We had always long distance relationship, since my college is far from our town. When I was in final year of my college she completed her B.Sc degree and got a job. There was a guy ( her boss ) in her office who earns a lot, purposed her. I have seen his photograph, he is more handsome then me. She hide all these things from me. When one night I called her to say I love you at 3:00 AM ( I saw a dream ) I found that her phone is busy. When I asked whom she is talking then she lied to me. Then I start checking at night and most of time her phone use to be busy. Then I forced her to tell me the truth. She told me that she has kind of started liking that guy and she is confused that Whom should she choose. ( Me or him )

Q. How can a girl fall in love with another guy when she is already in love with me ? and Is it normal for girls? It is good for a relationship ?

I didn't liked her cheating and i stooped talking with her. After some days she called me and said sorry. and promised me that she will never cheat me again. Since she my first and only love so I forgive her, and started our love life again.. BUT THIS HAS BROKEN ALL THE TRUST ON HER.

We again started talking. After completing my college I got a job, but not so good. and she also changed her job and got better job. In the mean while I always having doubt on her character. There was not a big difference in our salary, she start complaining me that guys in her office are not engineer like me but earn more then me. Why I earn less. anyway this all drama went for 2 years. and in this two years she almost lost interest in me.

( because I was always fighting with her for her friendship with lot of guys in her office and even out side her office, since she had broken my trust so it was very difficult for me to trust her again)

The end of 2nd year of my job was worst period in my life. I couldn't perform well in my office and she was doing best in her office. When she realized that with me she can not have as secure life as she want, finally due to all these fight and this salary issue we broke up our 7-8 years old relationship. After our breakup I got very good job offer in US. Since i had always feelings her so I informed her that I got such a nice job. and now she again started talking with me, and she wanted to restart our relationship. I am now 24 years old and she want to get married with me.

Now what should I do? She is my first love and I have feeling for her from last 8-9 years. What should I do ??
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replied August 16th, 2010
Can't you see that she's only interested in your money? You deserve someone that love you for who you are; not your salary. Just because she's your first one doesn't mean she's the right one, or for that matter, the last one either. You're so young and with so much going for yourself, don't marry someone who is attracted to just your money. Didn't you say she lost interest in you before, because you weren't doing well? And all of a sudden she's back because your new job and salary is much better? Happy relationships aren't built from that kind of attraction. You need someone who will stick with you through your up and downs, not someone who only stay with you when you're prosperous.
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replied March 26th, 2012
Hey there I am looking for help! I am in a relationship with the most incredible girl ever and I love her very much. She has an 11 yr old son that I have bonded with over the last year or so and that part of the relationship is fantastic. BUT over the last year and a half I have had fits of jealousy and insecurity and it is ruining what should be an ideal match. I have never cursed or been physical in any way and sometimes I am very encouraging to go out and do stuff with out me. BUT again when I get too much time on my hands my mind starts to wonder "what is she doing??" so I call and then text and when I do not get a response....Something must be wrong. I feel like I need reasurance all the time that we are still in love that everything is ok. I admit that I have had a jealousy issue in the past but not like this. I was cheated on by my ex wife and I think that may have put doubt in my brain as to trust others. I trust my fiance when she is there talking to me face to face and tells me "I would never cheat on you" I believe her but once she is gone and my brain begins to invent stories and scenes of mistrust I become obsesive with the thoughts and it over whelms me. When she gets home after having a great time I have a hard time not prying, well who was there? Tell me the stories? Photos? I also feel that when we are not physical that maybe she is not attracted to me. She assures me that she would not be with me if she wasn't and the relationship is more than just sex and holding hands..Now I agree but I still at times feel insecure when she says no and that has just made her drift further away. Recently she went to New York and had an opportunity to cut loose and make new friends etc...A work trip that has time for fun interaction with others in the industry. I was left home incharge of the house business and the little one. The first two days were good but as she says too many calls and unnecessary texting. So by the thrid day she was begining to ignore me a bit and asking me to chill out. But I went ahead and commented on her face book photos clearly stating who I was by addressing each photo post with HONEY! ........At the time I thought to my self hahahaha I am just being funny but I was being hurtful by being controlling. Now if I do not get a handle on this problem I will loose my girlfriend, fiance, and best friend plus the chance to continue to be a step father which is also very very important to me!! I am willing to do anything and everything it takes...Even if this relationship falls through I want to be able to retain the friendship for life and also be a better partner in the future...I am too posesive, I can be a jealous person, and I become obessesive checking the phone to see if she has text back yet.... Please any advise or direction for help would be appreciated. I know I can kick this or atleast learn to control it and hopefully over come it... sorry for the misspelled words I am typing fast and anxious...did not sleep last night I am stressed and sad and mad at my self.
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replied March 26th, 2012
Dude first of all, I know what you're feeling and especially what you mean by becoming anxious when she does not get back to you, or becomes 'distant'. However I am here to tell you straight up my brother that you need to man up. I was in a long distance relationship with the most amazing girl a guy could ask for. She was not clingy, she was not overly-emotional; she was caring, funny, and intelligent. However because I could not grasp the idea of trust, our relationship soured over the 13 months we were together. I'm telling you this because I want you to know I know exactly how you feel my friend.

The thing is that you need to distract yourself. This sort of thing happens to the most romantic, the most caring of men. The best of us are prey to such simply because we love with our whole heart. Our lover is our whole world, do you not agree my friend? You live for her, you breathe for her, you think about her all the time. This is a good thing. However you must understand that such a thing is not healthy. I have learned the hard way that we entered the world alone and we must also leave it alone. It is crucial that our love is allowed to have her own life. She cannot live life with a man entrenched deeply into every niche and cranny of her life. This is simply frustrating and annoying for her. You should not do this.

You know this, you are mad at yourself, and you are stressed to the point where you cannot sleep. The solution is to find activities to engage yourself in. Find ways to distract yourself even if it means making other female friends. I'm not implying you should cheat, but you will realize that being close with other females will lessen your jealousy. Explore hobbies, take up a project. This sounds cruel but you must learn to push her out of your heart so that she is not the only thing in your heart. That is the only way my friend.

If after reading everything I have said and you do not agree, then just know this:

She is allowed to be the most important thing in your world, but know that she CANNOT be the only thing in your world.

Good luck my brother I hope you will come around. Man up and take control of your heart. It is yours to control.
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replied March 27th, 2012
Thank You sooo much!! I hear you and I know what you are saying...I appreciate it very much! I am on it and I think these forums & other forms of writting to address the problem in my head. Getting active in my own friendships and activities is right up my alley!
cheers Brother~
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