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Relationships > Dating Forum > Should I Stay Or Go! (Page 1)
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Q: Should I Stay Or Go!
asked by: StacyD on March 18th, 2006
Experienced User
After two years of dating.. Dale moved in together, in october, and he started to drink alot in feb. Which wasn't good, because I would come home, and have to take care of him then do my schooling.. So, then finally he wasn't working, and was selling my things to buy drinks (once again not soo cool) so, I got mad! That night I needed to go to the mall to get stuff for a project, but he was too drunk to take me. So, I had to walk there when I got home. I said, "why do I need you here anyway. I am starting to really hate you. You're a loser. I want my stuff back tomorrow" so, then later on that night I cuddled up to him, and said sorry. I told him that I just get so upset, because he drinks. We kissed said good night, and went to sleep.

The next day he took me to the store and took out money gave it to me for lunch.. I was wondering why, because he never has done that before, and it was way too much. Then he took me out for breakfast dropped me off at school. Gave me hugs and kisses, and ensured me that he would be back to get me after school. Then I realized I forgot my presentation… oh oh.. So, I called home, and sure enough he came and dropped it off for me. I was so happy. I bought him some treats to say thank you for saving my life.

I went home that night, and everything of his was gone! I was so sad. I was so excited to see him. So, first thing I did was call his parents. Crying I told them what had happened they said he was there collecting his income tax stuff. I got off the phone and looked around to see if I could find a letter. I went into the bedroom, and everything he sold was back. Then I realized that I would rather have him!

After all of the hustle and bustle. I didn’t have time to think. So, finally. I just lay down and I was thinking about what I was going to do, and where dale would be, and was thinking about when I was so mean. I was thinking about how he would sleep so much, and he was apparently very depressed.. I didn’t notice though I was just looking out for myself. (selfish)

the next day still no one heard from him. I was like really worried…i was crying a lot. His mom and I talked, and we cried about it. Then I remembered how dale told me one night when he was drinking that it hurt so bad, because he was molested as a child. He was talking about what happened, and he was only 8 and sometimes he feels like the only escape is through drinking. It was an older cousin who did this to him I asked him if anyone knew. I was the only one he had ever told.

I told my mom what happened to him, and she told me to tell his parents. So, that night I called his parents and I told them. I said what dale said to me, but I made them promise they wouldn’t tell everyone. They still hadn’t heard from him. Then I was like thinking about everything that dale and I talked about and it was really overwhelming.
The next day (sunday) the police did a nation wide search for dale everyone was looking. I spent most of the day on the phone with the police being questioned, and finally the police officer asked. Did he leave a letter. I said no. He said, “are you at home one a land line?” I told him I was he told me to look for a suicide letter. He said they’re usually hidden. My parents took me home where I planned to stay with his parents for monday.

Then the next day. I called his parents, and dale answered the phone. Turns out he just sat in a hotel room drinking a lot! So, I told dale that I told his dad. Dale was crying upset and confused. He didn’t know what to do, or say. He said that he just snapped when he left. He couldn’t take it anymore. Then he let me go to talk to his dad. He was telling his dad about what had happened to him and he passed out, he wasn’t breathing and hit his head his dad called 9-1-1. He went to the hospital in an ambulance, and he was there over night in the morning they were going to transfer him to detox. He decided that he wanted to see me first.

He came to my house he was going to stay there for a bit and then go to detox, but he was scared to go there. So, I offered to go with him. When we got there they had no beds available. So, we went back later that night. Same thing. So, we tried treatment programs etc. And couldn’t get in anywhere. So, then we went to his parents house to tell them what we found.

I walked through the door his mom was standing there… she started to yell at me. She said, “you think you have all of the answers don’t you. Well, stacy you’re a big girl. So, if anything happens to him blame yourself. I am sick of being worried. She went on and on for 10 minutes. Finally I broke down in tears. Dale came in and hugged me. He told me it wasn’t my fault. Then the phone rang his mom answered it., and I was still crying she as she was talking and laughing. Then I ended up staying there and in the morning. His mom wrote him a letter that said, “take stacy home she”s not helping!” so, we went to some more places to get help including the hospital, and to see a detective about the abuse.

That night dale went home to tell his mom what he was doing. I waited in the car this time. She was rude to him so for the first time in his life. He told her off.. He told her about how much she hurts him etc. So, then we were driving away, and he wanted to go back to see if she was ok. He pretended he forgot something, and came out. He told me she was standing in the same spot in shock. Then he stayed at my parents house.

The following day I was leaving to go back to school. He was crying so hard telling me that he would miss me. I wasn’t crying. I was actually looking forward to going home. I have been here for a week. His dads birthday was last week his mom told him to invite me for dinner. I didn’t go because I was 3 hr. Away at school. Since then when I call she erases my messages, and when he calls me. She tells him to get off of the phone. So, she’s pretty much trying to break us up. I just want to help him. I suppose I am not doing a good job. I will never give up on him. I love him

so, last weekend he was suppose to come here and he didn't then this weekend he was suppose to come here and he didn'call. I don't know what the heck to do.. I just love him too much!! This is crazy he did tell me he thinks everthing will be ok... I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to love him..
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StacyD
replied on March 18th, 2006
Experienced User
Whoa
If you made it to this post then you took the time to read my whole post thank you for taking the time. I will love to hear your advice. It's hard looking in on the situation I am in.
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Spirit
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Hi
it's probably time for some "tough love".....Lay down the law, ie. "i'm with you babe...But things gotta change"...For his sake as well as your own. Set up some "rules" and give a time limit, subject to change, of course, depending on how much your willing to put up with and how much effort he is putting in. The problem is when your depressed and in that state of mind, you no longer "know" how to help yourself. This is where you come in.....He needs a major self esteem boost.....Look up jobs, help him get ready, drive him to the interview, wait in the car and be prepared to do it over and over. That goes for other aspects of his life too....Being depressed is like being in a brain freeze...You have trouble dealing with even lifes simpliest problems and automatically go into a panic and fight or flight mode(mostly flight). If the parents aren't helping than perhaps he should take an extended vacation from them. Unfortunately being a parent doesn't give you all the answers and sometimes unwittingly we do more damage than good.
And more importantly...He probably needs someone not connected to this situation to talk too.....A psychiatrist. I mean really, are you happy the way things are? Is he happy with the way his life is going? :)
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ashlee_veronica
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
I don't think you were being selfish at all, considering the situation with him drinking and selling your stuff...You did what you had to do. And he's very very very lucky to have someone like you to help him through this and seek help, because his mother is obviously only making the situation worse.

As of right now, I don't think a relationship is possible between you two until he gets help for his problem. Without seeking counseling or rehab, the relationship will stay unhealthy and his mother's opinion of you will not get any better.

As far as his mother goes, she comes second to helping dale. I'm sure it's not easy to just ignore her or put your situation with her on the back-burner for now, but the number one thing is to help him because he cannot help himself. Don't let her think you're the cause of the problem because the issue here is obviously something that occured before you two were dating.

You two have been together for quite awhile and it sounds like he's very much willing to change his behavior, but he needs support. Alcoholism is just as much a psychological disease as it is a physical one, and without someone there for him to lean on, it's going to be that much harder to change his ways.

In my opinion, you shouldn't continue a relationship with him until he gets help, but don't cut him off completely because that could cause his behavior to become even more destructive.
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StacyD
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Hey
You're both right. When I was there with him. I made sure that he was getting the help we went to many different rehab programs and also went to talk to a detective about him being molested. I have been checking his email, and he hasn't been following up with his case. He hasn't drank for two weeks, but had an assesment done for the drinking. Which was good they're finding something for him it takes 6-8 weeks to get into rehab. In the mean time he did get a job which was good. It is hard for me to talk to him about this now because he lives 3 hours away. I don't have a car, but he does, and our landlord said he can't come back here. So, it's really hard to be together. It's kinda frustrating though because I love him, and he says he loves me too, but he's not sure if he can be a good boyfriend because he's used to helping me, but I told him to e selfish and get help now he's just standing me up and that really hurts my feelings the most.

Thank you for your replys. I will keep you updated :)
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ashlee_veronica
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Yes, please do! =)
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StacyD
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Rawr
Well, it's sunday! On friday he said that he woudl come here, but he didn't call and didn't come here! So, I guess maybe he's made up his mind not to be with me. It's two weekends in a row. Last weekend his excuse was that he was scared that being here would bring back bad memories. However now he lives at his parents house where it all started...

Stacy
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ashlee_veronica
replied on March 19th, 2006
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He's probably acting like this because of the fact that he's living with his parents (and under their rules, i'm assuming). Until he gets out of there, there's probably not much that you can do.
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StacyD
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Hey!
He called. You know it's kind of weird.. He was talking about getting a place together when I am finished college. I am almost afraid of having to support him again. Or to live through the drinking hell.. Oh boy..
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ashlee_veronica
replied on March 19th, 2006
Experienced User
Wow... That's a big decision...

I think i'd wanna see that he's changed his act.
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Melissa_20
replied on March 20th, 2006
Especially eHealthy
Re: Hey!
stacyd wrote:
he called. You know it's kind of weird.. He was talking about getting a place together when I am finished college. I am almost afraid of having to support him again. Or to live through the drinking hell.. Oh boy..


my b/f also has a drinking problem but it's not the same as your b/f's. He does not drink all the time and even when he does he does not get totally trashed.But every once in a while he will get blown out and become mean as hell.His problem is that he holds his problems in and does not talk about things that bother him so when he drinks it all comes out.This past weekend we went to a street party and we were suppose to get a buzz.Well I had 2 drinks and I don't know how many he had but we went home and got into a big fight and he ended up pushing me on the bed and holding me down.It scared the caca out of me.Hopefully things will get better since we talked,i just wanted you to know you are not alone!
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StacyD
replied on March 20th, 2006
Experienced User
Hi There
Thank you melissa and also ashlee. It was a huge long story to read, and I didn't think anyone would. First, I would like to thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. Sometimes its confusing. He did drink his problems away. Creating more problems for me, but when it was good it was really good. When it was bad it was reallly bad. I don't know what to think anymore. He only grabbed on to my arm once when he was drinking, and one time he threw my supper at me lol it's funny now when I think about it, because I was really egging him on. I never want to live like that again. I just hope he stops drinking. Why did your boyfriend hold you down? I am happy he's getting help now. Looking back it was pretty scary. Now, I know. I also know I still love him, but scared to death of the drinking... Or possibility of it happening again!

What do you think? Why do you stay?
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Melissa_20
replied on March 21st, 2006
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Hey girl,well you know he was drinking but when he drinks all the problems he has held inside for god knows how long,come in out in full blown anger.He gets mad and annoyed at/about my dog.We went loking for a house from a realitor yesterday(for rent) and there were 28 matches that came up for us but we could only pick from 2 b/c of my dog.First of all she was over most of the weight limits and she is either full or part pitbull.He didn't say anything to me about it when he was sober but when he got drunk he told me alright.I guess I was sorta egging him on too cause I kept fightting with him.I locked him out of his room and he threatened to call the police on me so I came out and asked him what the hell his problem was and he started yelling again and I screamed 'shut up!!!!' loud as hell at him and he just ran pushed me on the bed and held me down while he screamed in my face.His dad came in and pulled him off of me.I dont know what I am going to do with him.I stay b/c I love him and he is not like that when he is sober.He doesn't get drunk all the time just on holidays and stuff,so I think when he does get like that I will go sstay with my sister so I can avoid the fight but I don't want to have to do that for the rest of my life you know?He has been screwed over a lot so it is hard for him to understand that I wont do the same thing even though I tell him.He says 'thats what they all say' so I think if I stay with him long enough he will realize I am staying and maybe watch his actions a little more.What makes you want to stay with your man?
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StacyD
replied on March 21st, 2006
Experienced User
Hey
Wow good thing his dad came in! What are you going to do about him? Have you talked about it when he's sober?

I stay with my guy because I love him, and we do have lots of fun when he doesn't drink. He loves me so much and I love him. So, that's why I stay with him.

Today it's tuesday. I called him yesterday, and he didn't answer the phone. So, today I checked his messages. He hadn't checked his messages from yesterday.. Which I thought was weird. Then his work called and said he didn't show up today or yesterday.

So, I called his brother. His brother said that he was worried about him too. God I hate this feeling.. Wondering if he's dead or drunk. It's hard living like this. I am scared..

Stacy
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ashlee_veronica
replied on March 21st, 2006
Experienced User
I can't even imagine how stressful this must be for you...
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StacyD
replied on March 21st, 2006
Experienced User
Hey
Well no one called me, but my messages had been deleted. So, I figure someone must have got them. Which is a good sign. Why can't I just let go? Why does love have to be such a strong thing? I guess you can't choose who you fall in love with. I just want a normal relationship with him!!!!! Arg

stacy
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ashlee_veronica
replied on March 22nd, 2006
Experienced User
Hmm...I know how you feel, I guess you just have to decide how far you want to go with this thing

are you willing to wait around for him?
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Melissa_20
replied on March 22nd, 2006
Especially eHealthy
Re: Hey
stacyd wrote:
wow good thing his dad came in! What are you going to do about him? Have you talked about it when he's sober?

I stay with my guy because I love him, and we do have lots of fun when he doesn't drink. He loves me so much and I love him. So, that's why I stay with him.

Today it's tuesday. I called him yesterday, and he didn't answer the phone. So, today I checked his messages. He hadn't checked his messages from yesterday.. Which I thought was weird. Then his work called and said he didn't show up today or yesterday.

So, I called his brother. His brother said that he was worried about him too. God I hate this feeling.. Wondering if he's dead or drunk. It's hard living like this. I am scared..
Stacy


we talked about it while he was still drunk,but I know he remembers.He doesn't like talking about things after the fact so I have to catch him right then and there,otherwse it's better that I just keep my mouth shut.I did talk to him yesterday though.I asked him this "b4 we move into this house,are we going to be ok? He said yes then I asked him if he was going to drink anymore and he said no.He won't have the time anyway. So everything is ok.He knows he was wrong to hold me down.There are a few more probems we need to work out but I think we will be ok! How are you?
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StacyD
replied on March 22nd, 2006
Experienced User
Hey
ashlee_veronica wrote:
hmm...I know how you feel, I guess you just have to decide how far you want to go with this thing

are you willing to wait around for him?


yes you're right. That's pretty much what I am doing.. 'waiting around' I have been waiting around for awhile. Well, three weeks. Sometimes he calls me. When we talk it's great, but for the last three days he's just ignored me. I don't even know what's happening. I know I have to take control of my life. I know that I will have to let go if it continues like this. I have to think about my future, but after spending two years with him planning a future together. It gets pretty confusing. Drinking is a deal breaker. I suppose I want to give him one last chance. I have given many though.

Stacy
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StacyD
replied on March 22nd, 2006
Experienced User
Re: Hey
melissa_20 wrote:
stacyd wrote:
wow good thing his dad came in! What are you going to do about him? Have you talked about it when he's sober?

I stay with my guy because I love him, and we do have lots of fun when he doesn't drink. He loves me so much and I love him. So, that's why I stay with him.

Today it's tuesday. I called him yesterday, and he didn't answer the phone. So, today I checked his messages. He hadn't checked his messages from yesterday.. Which I thought was weird. Then his work called and said he didn't show up today or yesterday.

So, I called his brother. His brother said that he was worried about him too. God I hate this feeling.. Wondering if he's dead or drunk. It's hard living like this. I am scared..

Stacy


we talked about it while he was still drunk,but I know he remembers.He doesn't like talking about things after the fact so I have to catch him right then and there,otherwse it's better that I just keep my mouth shut.I did talk to him yesterday though.I asked him this "b4 we move into this house,are we going to be ok? He said yes then I asked him if he was going to drink anymore and he said no.He won't have the time anyway. So everything is ok.He knows he was wrong to hold me down.There are a few more probems we need to work out but I think we will be ok! How are you?


that's good that you talked about it. My b/f doesn't like talking about it when he is not drunk. When he was drunk he would just tell me what I wanted to hear to shut me up. I went over the 'moving' in stuff too, and he was good for the first couple of months, and then he started drinking again. I am happy that you feel it's going to be ok, because I remember I still had doubt. How often does he drink? Do you think it's a choice?

Umm things are ok here. He hasn't called in three days. I don't know why. I know I didn't do anything to deserve this. I sure am having a hard time with the distance. I called today, and he deleted my message, and dind't return the call. I don't know why I have to go through this. I just want o be there for him. I haven't seen him in three weeks. Which sucks. When you get to see someone everyday!
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