I am an 18 year old male, and I have never
had a relationship or a date. This in
itself is not totally disastrous, and
you'll all say I am young and have time,
and you would be right, not having a
substantial relationship is nothing to
slit one's wrists about. However, I
have never experienced mutual attraction
in my life (only from my side). Often
I see many people who aren't, and won't
ever be in relationship, but there is
nevertheless a certain amount of
"flirtatiousness" or natural attraction.
I find socialising with females
amicably fairly easy, in fact easier than
with the same sex, and I wouldn't say that
I was any worse at forging friendships
much worse than the next person.
However, I achieve absolutely no chemistry
or attraction - many say lack of
confidence, but even with new-found
confidence, I have found socialising
easier, more pleasurable, and have made
many more friends, but nothing, in terms
of attraction has changed. Most
people have inhibitions and are
self-conscious, yet I have seen many with
even less confidence than me have little
problem socialising beyond the level of
friendship with the opposite sex. It
may seem as if I am over-analysing the
problem, but I feel I have negative
thought processes vis-a-vis attraction,
and this is preventing me from achieving
any kind of relationship. The
question is, how can I set about changing
this? Whenever I talk about these
types of feelings, they become so intense
even mentioning them that I suffer from
mild panic attacks. Would it be
advisable to see a counsellor for my
negativity? I am unsure whether to
turn to counselling, as I feel I am just
being irrational and that I don't have a
real "problem". I want to know how I
can improve my confidence when it comes to
belief in attraction - I inevitably think
of it all the time - if I make a girl
laugh or I have an engaging conversation
with a girl I have just met, my thoughts
turn to whether she may be attracted, yet
my rational mind says that she cannot
possibly be attracted in the few minutes
she has spent, and this negative view
proves correct when no chemistry is
achieved. I have no idea how
attraction of chemistry could come about
in my case, imagining it is about as
difficult as imagining to float in
mid-air. I also feel more comfortable
in discussing all my emotions rather than
suppressing them and doing something
positive - this often has an eventual
negative effect on me, but it is what
everyone seems to want me to do, so I feel
I do not have somebody with which I can
communicate my true feelings - in fact I
have never felt I have for a long period
of time, and I have deep feelings of lack
of love and intensely unfulfilled emotion.
This is partly my fault due to being
shy when expressing emotion, but also
feeling uncomfortable with anyone else
discussing it.
About me:
i'm someone who is shy but has become more
outgoing, romantic and loves poems.
Being romantic and contemplating the
beauty of nature and life forms a major
part of my character, although
unfortunately I have been unable to share
this bond fully with anyone, I reserve
that for my love, something I have not yet
found. I'm also mad enough to love
maths too, however, but my heart lies with
languages, as I have always had a passion
for languages to explore the true
diversity of human mentalities and ways of
communication. From a very young age
I wanted to communicate fluently in many
foreign languages, and I have learnt
languages at a rate parallel to my passion
for it. If you had to ask me what the
most important things in life were, I
would say love and a fulfilled
relationship, personal success and making
a difference to the world in whatever way.
I have a certain quirky streak and a
dry sense of humour, and I always like to
discover what truly drives people. I
feel I am sensitive to what others say,
and if somebody acts in a particularly
negative or positive way towards me, I
always remember it. I feel I want to
show affection, care and tenderness as
well as amusement and laughter with a
partner, but these emotions are deeply
unfulfilled and often lead to many solemn
nights. I haven't even come
close...
It seems imageshack refuses to host my
picture...Anyway the picture isn't that
important, I don't consider myself ugly.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-14-06 16:14pm
Well,i don't understand what your problem
is.I think you sound fine and you say you
don't look bad.Even looking bad,with a
personality like you described,it wouldn't
matter b/c you sound like an awesome
person. I want to see your picture.Is
there any other way you could show it?
|
Morning_Glory
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Mar 2006 Posts: 207 Location: NE Ohio
Posted: 03-14-06 23:31pm
Do you possibly come across as needy or
desperate? I know when girls come off
like that guys run the other direction, no
matter what they look like.
Have you tried internet dating? I mean
look at some of the personal ads for your
area like on yahoo personals, match.Com,
etc and see if anyone has similar
interests as you that you can start
getting to know via email. It will help
you with your self confidence and you'll
know something about each other before
meeting in person so you won't be quite as
nervous.
If you try the internet dating, I think it
works best if you seek out potential dates
that live less than two hours from you so
you can actually meet and go out on dates
if you do hit it off.
|
Eternal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 38
Posted: 03-15-06 12:04pm
I used to come across as needy, I would
say, but I have tried to remove that way
of thinking and I don't believe I come
across in that particular way, and in any
case, I know it is a major turn off, but
since my relationships with people never
even progress to a stage where I would
show my needy nature in any case.
I have joined match.Com, but I cannot
subscribe since I need a debit card to pay
for it, and my card isn't valid for it, so
I have to set up a new account with a
debit card.
Also, there appear to be few people I am
generally interested in, most girls I see,
as well as on dating sites, seem to simply
be clones of a pop-culture society (just
my personal feeling and there's nothing
wrong with how they are, just they don't
captivate me) and I can't envision a
relationship with them - it might sound
judgemental, but I believe most people can
spend about half an hour with a person and
know whether they have some level of
attraction or not.
No image host seems to let me display
pictures, so you can download it here.
Take no offense to this,but maybe its b/c
you look so young? When I looked at your
pic I thought you were 16,i had to look
again to see how old you said you were.
|
Eternal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 38
Posted: 03-16-06 17:05pm
melissa_20
wrote:
take no offense to this,but
maybe its b/c you look so young? When
I looked at your pic I thought you were
16,i had to look again to see how old you
said you
were.
yes, I have often thought about it - your
estimate is quite generous, most people
say I look about 13-15...I become self
conscious of this and often I feel people
are treating me as a younger person, but
this is obviously a problem I can't
change. Another reason is that
nervousness affects my speech more than
most - if I am worried about saying
something it's not so much what I am
saying but whether I can put a sentence
together orally. People almost always
ask me to repeat myself, either because I
am unclear or speak too quietly or state a
complex sentence quickly, and I feel that
my voice must sound awful on the ear.
However, like I mentioned before, this is
rare if I speak another language - perhaps
because if I make a silly mistake I have
an excuse for it.
Also, I am not often sure of what I want -
if I feel attracted to a girl I won't
think "great, i'll flirt with her", I have
to measure her up for a long time and the
vast majority of the time I don't sense
any emotional (amourous) connection (this
is not a logical, it's my emotional
decision), and often I tell myself its
pointless to flirt just for the hell of
it. However, I have a lot of trouble
showing my personality, the main problem
being that I don't feel that repressed,
but somehow my true self often doesn't
show through, but I want to share it with
somebody I deeply care for.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-17-06 11:57am
eternal
wrote:
melissa_20
wrote:
take no offense to this,but
maybe its b/c you look so young? When
I looked at your pic I thought you were
16,i had to look again to see how old you
said you
were.
yes, I have often thought about it - your
estimate is quite generous, most people
say I look about 13-15...I become self
conscious of this and often I feel people
are treating me as a younger person, but
this is obviously a problem I can't
change. Another reason is that
nervousness affects my speech more than
most - if I am worried about saying
something it's not so much what I am
saying but whether I can put a sentence
together orally. People almost always
ask me to repeat myself, either because I
am unclear or speak too quietly or state a
complex sentence quickly, and I feel that
my voice must sound awful on the ear.
However, like I mentioned before, this is
rare if I speak another language - perhaps
because if I make a silly mistake I have
an excuse for it.
Also, I am not often sure of what I want -
if I feel attracted to a girl I won't
think "great, i'll flirt with her", I have
to measure her up for a long time and the
vast majority of the time I don't sense
any emotional (amourous) connection (this
is not a logical, it's my emotional
decision), and often I tell myself its
pointless to flirt just for the hell of
it. However, I have a lot of trouble
showing my personality, the main problem
being that I don't feel that repressed,
but somehow my true self often doesn't
show through, but I want to share it with
somebody I deeply care
for.
first of all the way you speak to people
may be a problem.I understand this may be
a charactoristic of your but when you
speak to people they may think "wow,he's
really smart" and they feel intimidated by
you.Try using words pepole commonly
use.Secondly you,i'll be right back
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-17-06 12:00pm
Sorry about that. . . .
Secondly,you seem like you are either
too picky or you are afraid of bein turned
down.Flirting should be fun,not a waste of
time.There is no way you can size someone
up b4 you even talk to them.Also a lot of
people don't make a first good impression
so you should get to know them a little b4
you decide they are not for you.Go ahead
and flirt, even if you don't find that
anything will come of it,it doesn't
matter,it's all fun!!!
|
Eternal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 38
Posted: 03-17-06 18:29pm
melissa_20
wrote:
sorry about that. .
. .
Secondly,you seem like you are either
too picky or you are afraid of bein turned
down.Flirting should be fun,not a waste of
time.There is no way you can size someone
up b4 you even talk to them.Also a lot of
people don't make a first good impression
so you should get to know them a little b4
you decide they are not for you.Go ahead
and flirt, even if you don't find that
anything will come of it,it doesn't
matter,it's all
fun!!!
thanks for that, I may have sounded
judgemental before, and I often don't
completely judge by first impressions,
since knowing how I often do not come
across as I am I can understand how this
can happen with others - although I still
feel most of the time you can gain some
sense of who somebody is after talking to
them for a while. The thing is, I can
only flirt if I really feel that there is
some chemistry, I can't just turn it on,
it would feel like flirting with my
teacher. I feel if I flirt with
somebody who probably isn't attracted to
me, I can imagine them thinking "what the
hell are you doing?" and probably feel
intimidated by me advancing, and if they
didn't know me well, might misinterpret I
simply wanted something physical. I
can imagine a situation where perhaps I
could flirt if there was some chemistry,
but the sinking feeling of knowing that
nothing real would happen would always
return, which takes away any "drive" or
feeling I had.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-20-06 09:12am
I think your taking flirting way too
seriously.Just bc you flirt does not mean
you want to jump into bed with them and no
it does not mean you will get with that
person.And by flirting you can find out if
they are attracted to you and if you have
a chance while also getting to know
them.By being flirty and open it shows
others they can be open with you.
Sometimes you do know very soon if you
connect with that person or not,but others
you have to spend some time with to know.I
don't see how you think flirting with
someone is like flirting with your
teacher?Thats a little odd.
|
Eternal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 38
Posted: 03-20-06 17:20pm
melissa_20
wrote:
i don't see how you think
flirting with someone is like flirting
with your teacher?Thats a little
odd.
i suppose it's one of my weird analogies -
what I meant to illustrate was how it
would seem inappropriate to flirt in most
cases - as it would be with your teacher -
what would happen if you flirted with your
teacher? They would become extremely
perplexed and probably repulsed. I could
only flirt if I felt an attractive
chemistry, which I rarely feel is mutual.
I also find it hard to naturally flirt,
since I often repress my masculinity
because I feel ashamed of it. I have
mixed gender identities, my male and
female persona, both equally as strong.
In fact, especially when I was young,
sitting coyly in seductive female
positions and female mannerisms seemed
second nature to me, but of course I would
never openly display this in public,
especially since I am not homosexual (i am
bisexual to some extent). However, put me
in a group of guys, and I will be dainty
in comparsion (i sometimes feel more
effeminate in a group of guys, but much
more masculine in a group of girls). My
worst problem is my fear of showing my
true, secret self to others, which
includes my aforementioned gender
identity. I would imagine most girls that
like me see me as a great guy to get along
with and talk to, but not to be attracted
to.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-21-06 09:32am
So your saying sometimes you act feminine
and sometimes you act masculine? And you
feel more masculine around females?
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-21-06 10:41am
If you are bisexual would you feel better
with a girl or a guy? Maybe when you talk
to people you feel out of place and they
arent for you.
|
Eternal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 38
Posted: 03-21-06 14:00pm
melissa_20
wrote:
if you are bisexual would
you feel better with a girl or a guy?
Maybe when you talk to people you feel out
of place and they arent for
you.
i would be happier with a relationship
with a girl, so on the sexuality scale of
0 to 7 (0 = 100% homosexual, 7 = 100%
homosexual) I would be 1 or 2.
I often do feel out of place, and out of
the "social circle" that is created. I
often feel masculine and feminine at
different times, sometimes for little
reason, although as I said, I definitely
associate myself with my male side with
females, although I don't outwardly act
like either consciously. It's difficult
to explain, since nobody can relate to
this feeling, especially as it's not as
extreme as feeling of being a girl in a
man's body.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-21-06 14:22pm
Where do you hang out?That could be
something.You should hang out where you
think you would not feel out of place.Do
you have a lot of friends?
|
Eternal
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 38
Posted: 03-21-06 16:43pm
I would consider myself to have an average
amount of true friends, but I am in
college full time for 5 days a week and
working in a supermarket friday night and
all of saturday, meaning sunday is my only
free day. However, I feel I have the
same inescapable routine each week where I
do not have enough rest, relaxation or
diversity. However, throughout my life,
in all the places I have travelled in the
world, with however many girls I have met,
I have not come within 400 miles of any
significant attraction. In some ways I
can't understand it - of course, perhaps
if I acted more confidently, that would
help, yet I see other unconfident or
"geeky" types (less confident than me)
still at least experience attraction in
some form. In any case "being confident"
can't appear out of thin air, I don't know
how to achieve "true" confidence - I am
more confident in socialising, yet I know
I hold deep insecurities, and they seem as
irrevocably deep as the perception of fire
as dangerous.
I have only "not felt out of place" on
three occasions - when I was in japan, and
france, and when I applied to oxford
university and met other potential
applicants.
|
Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 03-22-06 08:09am
The only thing I can tell you is to start
thinking positive about yourself. When
you start doing that people will notice
which in return will bring up your
confidence.You said you have a dry humor?
I don't know about that but I know people
like to laugh and I think thats the way to
someones heart.Making someone laugh wil
only bring attention to yourself and from
there its good.And like I said before
sometimes it takes time to know if you'll
be compatible with them.It also sounds
like you have a wall up that may be
keeping you from being able to think you
are compatible.I use to be like that and I
would turn down guys without even really
getting to know them
|
haliparot
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Nov 2004 Posts: 209 Location: San Diego, CA United States
Gosh I Couldn't Believe This! Posted: 03-23-06 02:37am
First of all..Whoever you are...We share a
lot of things in common...Not really on
relationship since I already have been in
two serious and long relationships.
Reading through your post, I found myself
thinking why nobody was attracted to you
because I think you are a really great,
witty, talented and passionate guy. I
was surprised that we have a lot of things
in common. When you described yourself,
I found myself amazed because I too have a
passion for knowledge and language.
Actually, I have learned 3 languages
myself. I am also sensitive, passionate
and I value relationships. And what
really surprised me is when you mentioned
that you would like to change the world
for the better in any way. Oh my gosh!
That's my signature sentence in every
profile that I make. You know what
here's the answer to your question. I
believe that girls like you but, they
become intimidated of your wit and
knowledge. Reading through your post, I
concluded that you are a smart person who
is good in expressing himself and I like
that. Consider yourself rare! Any girl
would be very lucky to have you! Don't
worry. The right girl will come. The
best advice that I can give: search for a
girl in your school who has the same
interest as you have like join a school
club that focused on your hobbies and
interest and meet people through there.
Don't worry too much about it! I think
i've already mentioned this but I think
you are a great person! Good luck..
