Okey it all started 2 years ago, when my 3year long relationship with this girl I loved more than anything just left over night, dissapeard, moved and never saw her again.
This literally killed me, I started getting suicidal, this "wore off" after some weeks, but I was constantly depressed, like everyday.
After about 4-5 months with foolin around with others girls and stuff, I started smoking weed heavily to cope, like 10-20 joints everyday, but during this time, eventho I loved the feeling weed gave me, I was always depressed, like thinking pure negative thoughts, fantasising about suicide (never attempted tho).
If just a little thing went wrong, i'd be major angry or sad.
Also got very low selfesteem n confidence by all this, used to cry almost daily.
I've locked myself completely inside the house, skip work and never goes out with friends almost.
And if i'm with friends, i'm always just thinking this negative thoughts and just can't get peace from all this thoughts rushing in my head.
Then for a few weeks ago when I smoked, I got these terrible panicattacks with 24/7 depersonalization, it's been 2months and i'm still getting it daily.
This just made the situation 10times worse.
I'm still very depressed, I have hopes for the future, daydream about goodthings happening all the time but at the same time it all seems hopeless.
Sometimes, i'm like "!**@!-it" and feels joy for about 15 minutes, and i'm filled with hope, but my thinking always leads me back into depression in minutes....
Been to therapist about my anxiety/panic.. But they just seems to have no answers to anything.
It's not like i'm depressed over nothing, I got several reasons, grew up with violence in home, drug addicted parents, whom I still loved, my dad just died, i'm underweight, and a lot of other things that plays a matter in my constant "hopelessness"
so i'm hoping that if I fix some of these things I can escape this torture of depression and be happy again....
Is this bi-polar? Or just major depression of some kind?
imo it doesnt sound like bipolar, but I can honestly say, you have got to slow down on the weed. Now i'm not some anti-drug freak, you can search my posts, but it sounds like weed brought all this out. When I was smoking really heavily and honestly I didnt think about this till now, I had psychotic thoughts as well, not suicidal, but more of if the world ends tommorow what am I gonna do? And to add, I had a friend who thought this way too, we would be high thinking about taking over armories and stealing guns and stuff. This was pure fantasy, but not are usual thoughts.
At that point I was also depressed often, and so was my friend, we became too detached with reality and were also taking other more powerful drugs, mdma, lsd and mushrooms. But I felt that depersonalization. To give you my recent past (last 6-7 years). I used to smoke about an ounce of mids a week and an ounce on weekends :) , we were nuts. We'd smoke like 4-8 blunts a day. Well over the many years i've been cutting back, I cant say i've compltely quit, but i've lost the mental addiction, I dont need it anymore. Also that hard drug phase only lasted maybe a year. I smoke maybe a 1/2 a gram a week now, like a hit a night maybe. I feel much less anxious, but I have also had to resort to actual meds, for what was thought to be bipolar, generalized anxiety and ocd. Now I think it was just the pot causing wicked mood swings, since I only smoked at night and was sober by day. The other disorders I believe I actually have to a degree. The ocd, not so much.
Anywho, your symptoms dont sound like bipolar they sound more like mood swings, anxiety and some paranoia, which for the most part is probably the pot and the kind/potency of the weed your smoking. Now if I were you, I cut down big time for a few weeks and see if things get better, i'm guessing they will. You seem like you are smoking as much as I was, maybe the first week try to smoke half as much, and the following week smoke half as much as that, you shouldnt just stop, because then you might get more depressed. If you have trouble with the mental addiction, try to get addicted to something else, I know it sounds weird, but video games got me through the weed tapering and altoids got me through quitting cigs.
Just calm down on the weed and find something even mildly constructive to do instead.
If you still have problems then see a doctor, but remember they cant accurately diagnose you unless you quit pot completely and mind you, the effects will still linger for months, so with that in mind, proceed with caution. I didnt know weed was causing most of my problems and ended up getting prescribed some pretty nasty drugs, while I was still smoking, which even made it worse.
I think in your case some anti-depressant might help you, but like I said if you do this, you need to quit pot, i'm taking wellbutrin xl, I have a much better outlook on life, I am more responsible and want nothing to do with illegal activities anymore. I think my depression and such were causing me to continue to "rebel" even though I should have been past that stage. When your life becomes centered around a drug there's no way to go but down......Again moderation if your gonna keep smoking. Remember your father wouldnt want you to be depressed, try to honor him in his memory and do good by yourself.
Weed isnt bad, but it must be respected and you must consider your family history when doing hallucinogenic drugs (like weed), since they can bring out latent psychological problems, especially those that run in your family. Keep it in mind, weed isnt for everyone, which is why it has such a bad rep.
Yeah, i've been the heaviest pot and hash smoker i've ever seen, I bet snoop dogg seems like a !**@! compared to the use i've been on, hah, but anyway, yea it has caused a lot of problems.
But what makes me so anxious and freaked out all the time is the fear of going schizo or bipolar.
Before when I never thought about those things, all my weed experiences was quiete lovely.
Ofcourse, I centerd my whole life around it, when friends asked me out, i'd be like "is it weed there?" and if it was not, I wouldn't go.
I even rolledup spliffs in class to smoke it in the breaks, I was so hooked..
I've cut down a lot, smoked like 10 joints the last 2months, where i'd usually smoke like 2-300.
Still I get the anxious feeling of going nuts/manically depressed for life.
My dad got diagnosed schizophrenic when he first flipped mentally at age of 32, but no one in the family believed the diagnose, neither did him.
Ok, he believed he was jesus for awhile, but he was really into religion/spiritual stuff since he was a kid.
Also he experienced way too much crap in his life, toomuch lsd,amphetamine,cocaine,heroin,pills etc. So I guess it was more a mental break down he started having once a year.
The last 2 years he lived he never had any mentalcrack, and he never took the anti-psychotic medicine they prescribed to him.
They forced him once when he was in the looney bin, and they managed to give him doble dose, which !**@! him up for a loong time ( motherfuckers )
he said it was like taking 150 patches of lsd...
And no one else in my family has ever been psychotic...
I too have had all these crazy thoughts, about the universe and all the thoughts u won't get a answer to.
Sometimes those thoughts would lead me into panic attacks...
Haha, we 2 fantasies about robbin' banks and escaping the country and crap, but it's just for fun...
Just sometimes my mind goes crazy, think all these crazy thoughts, somewhere inside me in this moments I know it's just thoughts, but they still remain there, strongly.
I'm afraid of just oneday going totally nutcase...
They are right get to a good therapist now bc I have been going to one for almost a year now and they have only recently figured my dig. They labeled my bi polar but I had a lot of violent episodes, trouble with police sucide attempts too much to go on and weed also made me that paranoid I mean to the point I wont even be around it at all bc I am scared of the second hand smoke making me freak out. :? Get started now and be paiteint my exp with the medical health ind has been horrible I was even kicked out of the hospital the day after my last suicide attempt so you will have to spearhead you own recovery bro but you can do it