Hey hun,
it's hard to have to think about all those things, I know. I think the problem is, rather than looking up to your role model there, take what you like and accustom it to yourself. There is nothing more appealing in this world than uniqueness. Looks may seem to be everything, and it doesn't help when men have narrow minded thinking. I've found that the more I concentrated on myself, being my own role model and looking up to myself, I got so compelled in just bettering myself I started to not care what people thought because I was satisfied. I also found the more I didnt pay attention to anyone, the more attention they paid to me...Ironic how things work, the most attractive quality is a good personality, and a mind of your own, without that your doomed to listen to every little thing around you, not saying you shouldn't acknowledge these things, but never take anything personal. Unless it's directed towards you..Then, look at the positive things you have to make this pessimistic person say anything negative about you!
Be yourself, and be strong...Only you can determine your future/fate.
Good luck and best wishes.
From somebody who's sincere.

All of this comes from insecurity. I don't know how old you are, i'm guessing you're a teenager. Me too. Most teenagers/all teenagers get insecure about their looks, even the most beautiful girls in the world feel insecure about their looks. You have to learn to be comfortable being who you are and looking like you do. Being a teenager is not the best time to feel comfortable/beautiful. Remember everyone is an ugly duckling before they become a swam. You shouldn't say to yourself 'where do I start to change?', you need to just tell yourself 'how do I like what I look like and who I am?'. If there are things about yourself like your weight that you don't like, then you can always lose weight through exercise or a hobby and dieting but its harmful to say this to someone over the internet because most teenage girls who aren't fat want to lose weight. Things that you can't change about yourself, and shouldn't change about yourself, you need to accept. And you need to accept as well that you can't just expect to wake up and feel good in yourself. It takes time. And you need to feel good on the inside to feel good on the outside. Sorry if this all sounds crap or I misunderstood you but I hope it helps.

But I also have a problem with weight and I wanna lose weight but I cant find anything 2 modavate me and I wanna/need 2 lose weight and im wrryed myself sick

Weight is quite a hard thing to deal with sometimes. I struggled for years with mine, always going up and down the scale. I finally decided to put my energy out of diets and into something fun. Fun for me, was kickboxing. That sport not only increase your energy and esteem levels, but it'll teach you some self discipline and self defence. Afraid of people looking at you while you work out? Use that as motivation to reach your goal. This day and age is hard on society's exterior and there's alot of pressure, but once you've overcome caring about what other people think and start thinking about how you want to think and feel, nobody my dear, will be able to hold you back.
Move on and move strong sister.

i've struggled for so long trying to "change." mostly to lose weight. but i couldn't lose weight because it was/is my padding/my protection from the world.

so I think we can't really change our weight (if it needs to be changed for health reasons) unless we're feeling good on the inside.

remember that your body is temporary. it isn't you. you are not your body. but much much more. close your eyes and feel the energy that flows WITHIN your body.

no matter what age you are, you'll want to change something about your body. but whatever beauty you obtain will go with age. learn to love your body first. give it what it needs. respect it, and it will give you what it can.

sorry if this is too deep.