Khaie, you are not alone. I've had bipolar for roughly 9 years now but in all actuality i've had the disorder longer longer since I wasn't treated until I was 18. My recommendations to you are one, stay on your medication to find out if it's truly working. If the medication gives you suicidal thoughts, consult your physician immediately. Some medications can cause for suicidal thoughts, more than what you were having previously. Also, seek therapy asap.

I know what you speak of when you stated your family and/or friends would pick on you for not being normal, so to speak. You are normal, know that. As a matter of fact, my life is happier than everyone else in my family. They are ignorant to understand the disorder, hence why they would make fun of you. Stand your ground and do what you need to do regardless of how they feel about it. I walked away from my family to rid of the negativity for quite some time and it wasn't until then they realized the true aspect of the disorder and they were willing to accept who I was. Having bipolar is not a personality flaw or any other flaw of you. It's the changes in the chemicals in your brain which can be treated with medication. As for therapy, you must find someone who specializes in bipolarism. Anyone else could lead you down the path of destruction. Keep these tips in mind. I find that having bipolar has defined who I am moreso than before. I don't use it as a crutch in my life but see it for what it is as I accept it. I makes life interesting and my life is never dull and boring with it. As a matter of fact I can honestly say without it I would feel less of a person. Imagine that?!

I was majorly suicidal from the ages of 7-24 until I was prescribed zoloft and lithium, which I only take for a few months a year when I know mania and depression will act up the most. I'm scarred for life physically but you don't have to remain emotionally scarred from the disorder. Also, I too was scared of treatment because I did not understand it. I was hospitalized for a month which is like a sobriety test in all aspects. Therapy helped after I found a good therapist but that took time. I went through 5 therapists prior to finding the one for me. I've gone through 3 different medications to find the perfect one as well. I'm quite impatient when it comes to getting better but it all paid off in the end.

You are not alone. Although I may not be able to be there to help you in person I am an e-mail away. Feel free to write if you wish.

take care of yourself khaie and think of nothing but getting better and helping yourself. To be scared is normal so don't think you are flawed. Live life to the fullest girl.


Jessie

I found something I can keep in my life and stuck with it. I know its hard but there are things you can do that you will enjoy. I chose god myself and the religion has helped a great deal. Through that I do different things.

At one time I was homeless and now I have a car, computer, place of my own and a girlfriend.
I started out just praying. That grew into going to church and then that grew into other interest.
I'm not saying you should do the same thing, although it never hearts to pray.
I draw and write, whatever gets my mind off of the constant thinking.
While drawing or writing I day dream of places and things I would like to go to and do. I found if I take small steps in any one direction eventually I will get there.

I think the secret is not to try to hard but put fourth some effort.
There was a time when it was all or nothing for me. I would start a project only to stop it at the first sighn of negative criticism. Then I would totally give up on the idea.
But if you pace yourself and try not to expect to much out of something you are doing, you will be rewarded in the end. More often then not at least.

Good luck and god bless.