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Bi-polar Illness Destroyed My Relationship

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Hello,

i was in a relationship for 3 years with a lovely lady who was bi-polar.

She told me a few months into the relationship that she had a mental illness, was bi-polar and was on lithium.

I didn't know the depth of the disease and said I loved her and didn't want to leave her.

I accepted her as she was and lived with the mood swings. She was very intelligent, intuitive, beautiful, and had a great personality. We had a lot in common. She was also a recovering alcoholic for 10 years and goes to aa meetings almost daily.

I accepted everything about her as I loved her dearly and wanted to be with her the rest of my life. When we traveled, I made sure that we knew where the meetings were. I always looked out for her interests as her sobriety was most important to her.

My lady lost her job in the last year and could not get back into her field for lack of a completed college degree. I know it hurt her badly. I helped out financially but then she said I wasn't there enough for her emotionally although I kept trying to give more.

We had many great times together and enjoyed each others company.
Throughout the relationship, when little issues would come up, my lady would pull away sometimes. I was told that 2 or 3 little things bothered her, then it built up inside her, and then she would not speak to me and just layed on her couch in depression. We would then talk it out. I know that everybody is a work in progress and we worked out our differences each time until she completely 'shut down' in the last two months.

Every once in a while I would say something that seemed to 'trigger' a past bad memory for her and she would pull away until we talked about her feelings.

We had both been in relationships that were not so healthy in our past. We both said to each other that this was the first time we were both 'in love' with one another and it showed many times. I wanted to take care of her and even had my will made out to her in case something happened to me.

There were times she felt totally trusting and her 'wall' was down and then there were times she went the opposite way. I was faithful to her and believed she was the same to me. Now I am questioning the last two months.

She started seeing a therapist about six months ago and then everything started going downhill. I started seeking help also to work on myself so we could have the healthiest relationship possible. In the last few weeks, I was being blamed for little things like being 4 minutes late for dinner.. Everything became 'unacceptable' behavior in my lady's view. We were both walking on eggshells about dealing with each other in the last two months. We had a great xmas and then things started going downhill.

My therapist said that I have to remember that being bi-polar is a mental illness and is very tough to deal with. Not many people can live with that. I became a puppydog near the end and was saying 'i'm sorry' about issues so as not to start an argument. I never wanted to get her upset. She stated to me that the only people that could hurt her were her daughter and me. At those times she was pulling away but we would have heart to heart talks and would work out the issue at hand. We were very independent people growing up and giving up control was difficult sometimes. I believe she was scared at times about trusting in me or anyone else.

We were looking at houses last year. She was very impulsive about things and I like to research things intensely. That issue bothered her but I believe we shouldn't rush a purchase that huge until we found a place that was right for both of us. If she didn't get her way, she said that I was 'dangling the carrot in front of her and taking it away'. I didn't feel that way as I treated her special. I took her on many fine vacations, gave her nice gifts, told her I love her every day, and much more.

Over the 3 years, she never 'went off' like that except last november when she started yelling at me before she went on a vacation to see a relative. - in that instance, she apologized two days later and said it was the illness and she was in 'blind rage', did not remember what she said to me, as she was overwhelmed.

I realize that in a normal relationship, many of our issues would not have been a problem and things like blind rage would not exist.

In the end, she took off the ring and said 'it's over'. She became very nasty and angry, said many hurtful things as she knew which buttons to push.

Anyway, I was incredibly upset when she broke off the relationship. It is very painful to lose my best friend and the person I wanted to grow old with. It has been about 4 weeks and miss her very much. I have heard all the stories that time heals all wounds, etc but I believed we would be together forever.
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First Helper jessieappleby
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replied February 22nd, 2006
Hang In There And Pray
Dude I just came out of something similar and believe me you don't need this. Move on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is someone else for you out there and put your faith in god. If it wasn't for him and my dear mother I don't know where i'd be. It's her loss and your gain. Run and move on i'm telling you! I did :wink:
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replied February 24th, 2006
How are you making out?
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replied February 28th, 2006
I Too!
I understand! I am a 27 year old women who is bipolar. It ruins all of my relationships...Except the bad ones! I have bad mood swings and get angry pretty easy. I don't think people like me will ever be happy and in a great relationship. :cry: I don't think there are a lot of good men who will accept the mood changes!
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replied February 28th, 2006
Re: I Too!
hekela wrote:
i understand! I am a 27 year old women who is bipolar. It ruins all of my relationships...Except the bad ones! I have bad mood swings and get angry pretty easy. I don't think people like me will ever be happy and in a great relationship. :cry: I don't think there are a lot of good men who will accept the mood changes!

that's a shame, I was one of the good ones with my ex and guess what she ruined it. Now i'm getting all these calls from her (not answering) and it's only been a month. I wish her the best because I laid it all on the line for her and basicially she spit on the relationship in so many words. I feel for you guys with this problem, it really destroys good relationships!!!! I am very forunate to have the support of friends and family around me who helped me and let's not forget god.
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replied February 28th, 2006
Ty
Thank you for understanding and being so nice about it! Most people talk crap and make me feel bad about the way I am.. I am lucky that my bipolar is manageable and there might be hope, but I am not counting on it.
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replied March 1st, 2006
Re: I Too!
Hekela, I too am a 27 year old woman with bipolar. Believe me when I say that life is great now that i've had proper treatment of psychotherapy, lithium but only when needed and zoloft for depression. I'm actually happy with life and with myself. Yes, it may be overwhelming at times to accept the fact you have a disorder but it doesn't mean your personality or any other part of you is flawed one bit. It's the chemicals in your brain that control the motherboard, being you of course. I wish there was an easy way of having brain surgeory to fix it but that is like finding a needle in a haystack. Yes, relationships can work if the other is not impatient. Everyone has mood swings so know you are not alone and there is hope as long as you are willing to take the first step into treatment and you are given the proper treatment. That alone can take time and ask much patience from you. You too can live a happy life and have less self-loathing of yourself. You sound depressed and you've given up on life. I too did this for many of years and used my past as a crutch and the "woe is me" bit, but i've been happy for 3 years now. I'm not a bipolar person just as you, but someone who has a disorder just as common as heart disease and cancer. It's what you make of it. Only you have the power to change yourself but know others are there to help you along the way.
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replied March 1st, 2006
Re: Bi-polar Illness Destroyed My Relationship
Rc:

rc wrote:

I realize that in a normal relationship, many of our issues would not have been a problem and things like blind rage would not exist.


In the end, she took off the ring and said 'it's over'. She became very nasty and angry, said many hurtful things as she knew which buttons to push.

Anyway, I was incredibly upset when she broke off the relationship. It is very painful to lose my best friend and the person I wanted to grow old with. It has been about 4 weeks and miss her very much. I have heard all the stories that time heals all wounds, etc but I believed we would be together forever.



i can absolutely imagine what you've been through...

Myself have been in a 2 year relationship with the most passionate, intelligent person i've ever met, we had such a great relationship, very honest, with so much trust in eachother... But his bipolar disorder ruined it... It was unbelievable the things that happened...He was having so many allucinations and was always angry , and buying things he couldn't pay (credits... :( ), arguying with the police (getting beaten up by them, spending nights in prison...)...

So much pain, so much loss...

:(

i also felt that way... If this disease never came, most certainly we'd be together still...

**
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replied March 1st, 2006
I can honestly say it came out of no where it hit me. She transformed into something not someone. Through year we were together she confessed her love for me that it just blew me away. Then when her grandmother started dieing she strayed and wouldn't tell me the truth. Never gave me my closure and I thought she was just morning and needed time. I asked god for the truth and he bought me to the light. It's ashame because I was told that she never fell in love and I was the first. I don't know what to believe because all trust, allllllllllllllllll trust is gone. I was able to leave the relationship with just a broken heart but god has a way of doing things his way. A broken heart now or a lifetime of agony eventually. I'll take this pain now and i'll get over it because of the support around me. I've come closer to my friends and really value the meaning of friendship more than ever.All I know now is that she keeps trying to reach out to me and I have nothing left for her. It's gone I blame half her and half bipolar disorder. Maybe she can learn something from this and in the future be able to have a healthy relationship again with someone. But one thing is for sure it won't be with me, I pray for her nonetheless because that is the right thing to do. But I know deep down inside she hurting because i'm gone and she know one to blame for it but herself. Guilt has a way of breaking you down and when you hurt good people who didn't deserve it you have to answer for it one way or another. March is a new month for me and it has been a month since i've talked to her and oneday, maybe oneday I may forgive her. She must ask for forgiveness first from god first and then when he tells me then it will be.
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replied June 11th, 2010
Living with Bi-polar in a relationship
I just had a relationship end, after three years, and I am bi-polar. Did it add to the dissolution of the relationship. Certainly. My partner at the end, took more of a responsibility than i did for the quirks of the disorder. I have since become more responsible for my medication, indicators that I am on a shutdown mode, depression mode, or hyper mode. It is a constant struggle..truly. I met with a therapist in Newport Beach, CA, once soon after the split as depression overtook me. She made a glib statement at the end of the session, that, "Bipolar people are fun to be with, dance with, go out with, but don't ever marry one." I was upset to tears after this sank in. I never went to her again, after leaving her a phone message on how I felt. BUT, unfortunetely, 90% of all bipolar relationships end quicker than the norm, so she maybe right. But, bi-polar and mine is pretty manageable, can't take all the blame, as much as i beat myself up for shutting down at the end of the relationship. This gal was 19 years younger, beautiful, loving, happy, and from a different culture, Peru, even though she was here for 12 years and very Americanized. She beat me up with her excessive jealousy, her demands, her over reaction to her jealousy, her indecisiveness, her chronic psychotic pain (in her head), her jealousy for my adult daughter, her paranoia, etc. I could go on, but truthfully, crazily I loved her. haha. And, believe it or not, i beat myself up for being the cause of the end of the relationship because I was bi-polar. As the argentinian said to the weary traveler..."It takes two to Tango" Be responsible for your disorder but don't take unnecessary blame, and remember to respect your partner, and learn to walk away, when you know you are not your normal self (whatever that is LOL)
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replied June 13th, 2010
Supporter
Stung,

I am bi-polar, was diagnosed 5 years ago, and have been happily married for 34 years. Both my husband and I have had are ups and downs through out the years, when he was down, I was their to bring him up, and of course he was with me. It was the glue that held us together. My BPD was diagnosed shortly after I had to deal with the hardest thing in my life. My eldest daughter was diagnosed with Stage IV Hodgkin Disease. I was lucky, I knew I was depressed, very moody, I chose to get help, and I thank God that my family was their for me. It is possible to have a happy relationship with someone who is diagnosed with BPD. It's about acknowledging you have a problem and openly getting the help you need. I feel so lucky to have my loving family and my husband who would never turn his back on me. I understand that your girlfriend caused you much pain, and I am sorry for that. But you are still hurting and very angry or you would'nt be so spiteful. You talk about God and how he has helped, but God does not judge. He accepts all of us, with all our flaws, he loves all his children. I feel really sorry for you and your bitterness. Despite how much she may have hurt you what kind of example are you setting for wanting her to feel pain. God would never approve of that. God is all about forgiveness. It was God who gave me the strength to get better and care for my lovely daughter till he dying day. She gave me the greatest gift, her son. I loved her so much, and told her how proud I was of her spirit, her love of god, her wisdom, and undyign strength. She looked at me and said Mom, I learned all of that from you. I dont think my daughter would have ever entrusted her only child, her son, to me, if she didnt feel I was capable of nuturing him, caring for him, putting him first, and loving him with all my heart. Please don't say she has to ask forgiveness before you will forgive her. Please try to get past your bitterness, it will eat you alive. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful supportive family.
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replied June 20th, 2010
Hi Cindy(?),
I am sorry about your daughter, and admire your strength and fortitude. I need to work on my self control, my faith and belief in myself, as the lashing out that I did to a woman I had nothing but love for, has only poisoned me. And now, I am told to stay away and "you live your life, and leave mine alone", which months ago the words were, "I love, care for you and want to be friends" Should have walked away completely then. I do not mean to diminish your deep loss, with my minor superficial hurt of loosing a woman would walked with or with my bi-polar.
I can not image the loss of one of my children. I don't know if I could withstand that.
Cindy, I hope the strength, the self control, the faith in God, and your sense of letting go, and forgiveness is something I can build into my character. Oh yes, one more quality that I see in you....wisdom. I lack it.
It is has been six months since the breakup, and I still have not let completely go of her, I actually cry once a day, most days. I know she has moved on, and that makes me a bit hurt and angry. This woman, I loved, and love to talk to, be with,...but by my actions, her choice is that she has no interest or desire to talk to me anymore. I hurt her that much with my childish lashing out, for reasons with my lack of character...and self control.
I made a fool of myself with this display, as I thought my nastiness would make her hurt as did. But "he who spews out venom, only ends up drown in his droll" as she told me this in spanish, says it all.

The lose and the pain of one of our children leaving us.
Anger and bitterness from the pain of a broken heart.

No comparison.

I feel even more ashamed of my childish behavior, lashing out, and loosing a friend who only cared for me. I wish I could go back....but I can only move forward, as you did, with grace, love, faith, strength, and faith in yourself and in God.
Best to you
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replied June 21st, 2010
Supporter
Dear Lagunakayaker,

I am so sorry you are feeling so badly, My post was in response to Stung, he is the one that upset me. He talks about God, and he says I will not forgive her until she asks God to forgive her first. He truly does not know God or he would realize it is not us who judge, only God in the end will judge us. I think he is very confused bitter and angry. If he loved God, and followed Gods words than he would never have said that. His bitterness will be the thing that will bring him down. I feel sorry for him truly sorry, he has much to learn about life. It is so easy in life to put blame on others, very hard to look deep inside ourselves to see the truth. No one is perfect, we all have flaws, no one person in a relationship is to blame. When we grow, mature, we learn to take each day and cherish it. We choose to learn and grow and God is the all forgiving one. I am so happy to see you are taking steps in the right direction, the more we seek to learn about ourselves the more we will grow spiritually, mentally, and happiness will follow.

Cindy
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replied June 25th, 2010
I am 16 and suffer from ADHD and Bipolar. It has ruined all my relationships, i have recently ended a 2 year relationship with a guy i truly loved. We are just in highschool and i know its just highschool love but if i wasn't bipolar i know we would still be together. I began cheating on him. Getting very angry with him. And he still came back to me. Even right now we are not dating but he still is in love with me and i still am in love with him. But i know if i continue our relationship i will only hurt him worse and worse. I hate being bipolar, i have been on medicine for 3 years now, and it still is harder and harder every day to deal with. Everyone who has grown to manage with it, you are my heros. It is a truly hard thing to deal with.
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replied February 20th, 2011
How do I remain hopeful of friendships after damaging others?
I have enjoyed all of your posts. I have bipolar disorder and have done so much damage to my friends. I lost two dear friends yesterday because I was convinced they betrayed me. I have hurt them so much and been forgiven so much, but I used my last pass yesterday. Today, someone I've known since I was 8 told me never to contact her again. Am I to believe that I must go through life alone, just so I don't hurt anyone else?
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replied February 21st, 2011
Community Volunteer
Hi Nikki42....I am so sorry for your problem...Hopefully you will understand that in time the hurt can get so bad that you have to leave...You try to understand, but in the end have to protect yourself...It's done with regret, but with love...I send you my best wishes...Take care...

Caroline
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replied March 14th, 2012
I'm a 19 year old Bipolar girl and every relationship I been in I ended up destroying none of them last a week I said the hateful things to these poor boys for no reason what so ever its really frustrating,I'm afraid to date now and avoid relationships all together now I hate it =(
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Thanks for your patience!

replied March 23rd, 2012
hey Jo, my name is kat- if you want to email and talk id be totally open to it. im 24 now with bipolar 1, and i can 100 percent relate to what you are saying. i am still struggling with my disease, but with all of the breakups (99% being my fault) ive learned a lot, too. i think my bipolar brings out the fact that i am a naturally critical and harsh person at times. ive tried to own up to those flaws and see if i can separate them from the bipolar, or if the bipolar truly is the reason i am that way. it almost brings me to tears , to this day, to think about a man i loved very much and hurt about 7 years ago. i would constantly belitle him, make fun of him to his face, tell him he was ugly or disgusted me. then moments later when i was alone i could bawl my eyes out. sometimes i feel so numb i do these things just to get a reaction from myself.
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replied April 25th, 2012
biopolar disorder
hi kat, i am bhushan i am also struggling with biopolar disorder from last 12 to 13 years now i am 27 i can really understand what going through,i know its really hurts when we do introspection our behaviour how much we hurt our love ones,family,friend when we really don't mean hurt them, it take years build relationship but brake one one few minutes,i am really sad how many close friend i have lost due to bioplor and the way lost it really hurts,i am tired of living in guilt and regrets but i am hopeful to make my bipolar disorder in order and win back friends ,if you need friend i will be there, take care
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replied April 22nd, 2012
I am going to be 55 years old this coming June and I have finally been diagnosed correctly over the past 45 years.. Yes, I said 45 years.. Through these years,the things I have done, the relationships that I have ruined, the craziness, the bad bad decisions. The hurt that I caused my children. Today, I am all alone and finally I am the most level I have ever been in my life, but I have nothing and no one.I am simply existing and living without a relationship with my adult children is killing me inside.
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