Medical Abortion Forum - Need Help For My Girlfriend

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Q: Need Help For My Girlfriend

asked by: T-ROD on February 13th, 2006

New User

My girlfriend and I decided to have an abortion about 2 years ago. It was a mutaul decision that we thought was the best decision at the time but 2 years later she is still fighting with the emotional results. I am personally not dealing with feelings of guilt that are as intense, I think that is because I was not in the operating room and I was not the one who carried the child inside them, also I have forced myself to face my feelings and deal with them so that I could stand by her when she is hurting. Since I have dealt with the feelings I am excited to have children in the future, you know kind of a second chance to be a father and a chance to be the father that I never had (dad ran off when I was born). However, she gets wigged out when she thinks of having children in the future she feels like the child would be nothing but a reminder, and/or she would resent the child for some reason. Dont get me wrong this girl is the sweetest, most beautiful person inside and out that youll ever meet she just has some deep rooted issues with her guilt. How can I help her move on with her life so we can move on in our relationship one day, she says shes thinking about whether or not she wants to have kids or not so that I can move on and find someone who wants kids because she doesnt want to ruin my dream of being the father I never had (thats how sweet she is). If anyone has been through this I would appreciate any help. Sorry its such a long post.

Replies(4)

Tylanas

replied on February 14th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

No post is too long :)

from what I have heard on this forum, your girlfriend's reaction seems a little odd... Many women who come on here with feelings of guilt after their abortions want to have children as soon as possible. However I have no idea if that is the norm for women who feel post-abortion guilt or not.

It does sound like your girlfriend needs someone to talk to her and explain that just because she had an abortion, she is not a bad person. She needs someone to explain her feelings to, and she needs that person to explain back to her that every child that she gives birth to is a gift. She will love that child because it is hers, and she wants it. She may not be ready for children at this time; but if and when she is ready, that child will be the most wonderful little package in her life.

That person would be, you, at least! If you think she needs more help, you can always go to counseling together, or she can seek help alone. It does sound like she is not ready for children in the near future, and that she needs a psychiatrist's help in order to ever be ready. It sounds like you love her and care for her.

On a personal note, if you two are at the point in your lives where you are considering having children, I hope you get married before you do. I'm just old-fashioned like that; and I see no reason why you couldn't, at that point. You might not be there now!! But someday you may be.

jenn_smithson

replied on February 14th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Re: Need Help For My Girlfriend

t-rod wrote:

however, she gets wigged out when she thinks of having children in the future she feels like the child would be nothing but a reminder, and/or she would resent the child for some reason.

if she's personally not ready to have children right now, this is a completely legitimate and understandable concern. If she feels that she cannot care for or support fully a child at this time, she may be concerned that she would resent it. This does happen throughout the world to people who were not ready to be parents or who feel as though they were thrown into it without knowing what to do. Are there other things going on in her life that may make her think twice about getting pregnant? Is she still trying to get a degree? Is she trying to launch her career? Is she trying to be young as long as possible?

Quote:

dont get me wrong this girl is the sweetest, most beautiful person inside and out that youll ever meet she just has some deep rooted issues with her guilt.

it may not all be about guilt though. She could really not be ready to have a child and in that case, she's feeling upset or guilty only because she sees how enthusiastic you are about becoming a parent. I don't know for certain because I don't know either of you but .Women are trained from young ages to take everyone elses wants into consideration before their own. You want to have a child, it may be obvious to her, but she may not be ready just yet. In this case, she acknowledges your wants but feels guilty because she doesn't feel the same way just yet. Maybe give her some time to come around to the idea. You both probably have loads of time to have children and according to my own parents, it's never a bad idea to wait as long as it takes before you're both ready.

Quote:

how can I help her move on with her life so we can move on in our relationship one day, she says shes thinking about whether or not she wants to have kids or not so that I can move on and find someone who wants kids because she doesnt want to ruin my dream of being the father I never had (thats how sweet she is). If anyone has been through this I would appreciate any help. Sorry its such a long post.

you could ask her if she's afraid of becoming a parent and if so, why. You could also get her to go see a counselor or a therapist or suggest couple's counseling to her and see if she wants to go. I'm sure you have the best intentions in mind but she could just not be quite ready to be a parent yet. If this is truly the case, time is the best thing that you can give to her. She'll probably come around, most .Women do have a child at some point in their lives.
Peace and best of luck,
jenn

sandyallen

replied on February 14th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

T-rod

I feel that both jenn and eiri are correct in a lot of ways. Sometimes women do not get over an abortion without the proper help and their are times that it needs to be professional help, she has not yet forgiven herself and has possibly forgotten the reason why she did it at the time and their are times that it takes longer to understand. If you truly love her you will stand beside her yet give her some space when she needs it.
E.M.D.R. Can help a lot of times in situations like this, it is done by a psychologist and it is done by knee taping or finger movement, it takes you back to that time and allows you to forgive yourself and you get a heavy release from it, it helps people with phobias, post war syndromes, some child abuse and neglect among other things and their are no medications.
Good luck to the both of you!

aimeeSLP

replied on March 8th, 2006

New User

I have no advice to give, but maybe the resentment about future family planning is a turn off maybe because of guilt - she wonders how she could abort one child and then keep another (sort of like pick and choose), or maybe she feels like she doesn't deserve to have children at all. These things are tough, but hopefully you will be there to comfort her and help her get thru this.

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