Here I am...I am a 26 year old divorced single mom of two special needs children. I just moved 150 miles and went through a nasty divorce four months ago. My problems go way back to when I was a child. I was sexually abused for years, then as I got older I started getting beaten by a family member...Then it just got worse, I moved out and got married. My ex husband was physically, emotional, and mentally abusive after living in that for six years I got the courage to get out. My ex husband always wanted me to stay heavy (280)...Everytime I went on a diet he would make sure I slipped up. The day I filied for divorce I went tot he Dr. And asked for the gastro bipass. He would not give it to me cause of my age...Instead he put me on a really strict diet and exercise regimen.
After just eight months I had lost 98lbs, I went from a 24 to a 10. That is where I am at right not. Yesterday, I just found out that my 19 month old son has possible left sided brain damage, that is on top of my severly speech apraxic and developmentaly delayed daughter whom is four. I of course get no help from their father what so ever...And I just started back to college to get my degree. Okay this all might sound great and wonderful but here is where it gets all messed up.
I had hit a major platue in my diet...Couldn't get anymore weight off. Then over the holidays gained a few pounds (nothing major) but it was all taking affect on me. Just under two weeks ago I decided to stop eating...Thought that would help get the weight off...But then my parents invited me over for dinner and I couldn't let them know...So I went, I ate, and then I threw it up. I thought to myself I was doing so good not eating I can't put this food in my body. Well with the throwing up it seemed to take an extra pound off or so. So I told my best friend what I was going to do and that I would keep myself under control. It went from throwing up here and there, cause I would only eat here and there. To looking forward to the b/p's. I now do it at least once a day if not more. But then the rest of the time I don't eat at all. This morning I woke up with the dry heevs...I am just under to much stress right now to worry about myself. My children come first, my daughter has therapy three times a week, I have school twice a week and my son has a ton of drs. Appointments. No time for me right now. But I think it is helping reading some of these other posts on here.
I have gotten to the point that after I get done perging I feel like crap...Like dirt, I don't know why this is. Other posts I see how good people feel afterwards...I am a perfectionist, so the one feeling is that I never did it long enough, I didn't get enough out, or oh man what did I do I should have never eaten in the first place. I will tell you that my throat is so sore all the time. Just felt like adding my post on to here so that everyone knows they are not alone...Plus its really hard not to tell my parents I tell them everything and they help me through so much...I just don't want to tell them till I get down to the weight I want. I am only going to do this till summer...Unless I hit that weight sooner. I have already lost eleven pounds.....Thanks for your time...Have a great day :).
Don't dwell on the past, live for the present, and look forward to the future!!! :wink:
I posted above...So please maybe read that first.
We are so similar. I was about 60 lbs overweight...And lost the first 40 or so on my own...But that wasn't enough...
I had never even thought of it before...But started b/p...I love food so much, and couldn't stand living without it anymore..
At first this was so great to me. I could eat whatever I wanted..And fill myself..Then just go get rid of it. It was so easy.
I said "i will just do it until I get to 125..Then I will stop. I can tell you right now, it didn't.
About a month ago, I started having some major health problems...Thought that I was seriously going to die. After having 3 esophogeal spasms...I told my boyfriend and doctor. I now have to go in for an endoscopy. And although my doc has assured me that things are fine...I sure don't feel like they are, and still haven't been able to stop.
I do it less...But then start gaining weight no matter what I do because my metabolism is so screwed up now. I maintain my current weight of 130 (i have gained a few from not doing it as much), by puking once a day. I feel like if I stop, I will gain a ton of weight, even if I watch what I am eating. I am so afraid......If I died, my boyfriend and children would pay for it. They would be hurt and devastated. I keep telling myself that I have to stop, and that I can't do this to them....Not to mention I cannot and willnot keep this up my whole life..So I have to figure out something...
But now I feel that I am at the point of no return. I am terrified of gaining weight.
I guess my point is that you can tell yourself all you want that you are only going to do it for the summer...Just like I did....But you may get out of control. I love my body so much now, that I cannot bear the thought of gaining. I never thought that it would be like that. I thought that I could stop, then start eating right...But I am so much into the food and the habit, that I still want to eat what I want with no consequences...Well, there is a consequence, and it affects everyone that I love.
You would think that someone who has a huge phobia of dying would get the point....But I guess not.
I feel like crap, and have health problems up the wazoo....But this still doesn't make me stop.
I can tell you that these esophogeal spasms are the most painful thing that I have ever experienced...And I have had two children. I do realize that I have not met another bulimic with these problems...And there are people that have been doing it way longer than I have...But, it is among many things that will happen eventually. I am so scared that with my endoscopy, they are going to find that something is really wrong with my stomach/esophogus...
Please try and stop as soon as you can..Before it gets worse...As it will. We can't do this to our kids...And are too young to be starting something like this. You know?
Please know that I am here for you...And I feel that our stories are very similar and that we can relate....
What about your children??? I know this is an emotional problem, but all I can think of is what will happen to both of your children, if you die from this. I am not trying to scare you anymore than you probably already are, but this, I would seriously think about.
It is a control thing--thinking you always have to be in control of others--and then somehow they will not respond to your coaxing--so you turn it inward and begin to hurt yourselves--for punishment. You think you know why you started but--i can tell you--it is a control thing. And you both see that--i have to only weigh 125--or if I just do it until summer. If I stop I will gain weight. I am a perfectionist--etc...Etc... You dont have to be in control, .God is in control of it all anyway--and you can let go of that. Pple will be who they will be, you cannot control that.
If you stop you will live and your babies will have their mom's. I am in no way trying to be mean--i know it is an emotional disease--and it is rampant in the world today--look to hollywood--but please get some help. Please. I beg you both!!!
I want your children to grow up with their mothers.