Sexual Health - Women Forum - My Wife Has Sexual Shame Issues... Help!

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Q: My Wife Has Sexual Shame Issues... Help!

asked by: lakersfan on February 4th, 2006

New User

I met my wife in 1996 when we were 23 years old. At that time we were both sexually hyper-active. She had over 50 partners, and I am in the 75 range (kind of lost count)... So, needless to say we were both promiscuous by societies standards. We've both had group sex, public sex, lots of one night stands, etc.

Ok, so after dating casually for about 3 months we got pregnant. We decided to keep the baby and move in together...Give it our best shot at a normal life. About a year and a half later, we got pregnant again. 5 years after that we had another. And finally in 2004 we got married.

Our relationship has had some rocky streches, but we have remained faithful to each other and built a very comfortable life together. It seems the kids and family life kind of "knocked" us both out of our whoring...

One thing has been tough for me though... Over the years, she seems to have lost her drive. Her desire. My wife is very guarded about sex. I mean, we have a lot of sex (sometime 3-4 times a week or more). But, it's all my doing. I make the moves. I initiate nealy all sex, affection and intamacy. A lot of the time I feel like she's just doing it to keep me happy. Which is fine... Sometimes.

She is very uncomfortable talking about sex. She is uncomfortable with sex unless it's in our bed, with the lights off. She is, for lack or a better word, kind of prude.

We can't talk about sex without her being grossed out - or getting angry. She shies aways from oral sex and multiple positions are out of the question unless she is drunk.

This is not the same girl I first met (which is both a good and a bad thing).

I think she feels a lot of shame about her past. She seems guilt ridden about her sexual promiscuity in the past. I am fine with it (in fact, being a dirty, dirty guy - it kind of turns me on) . Anyway, I don't want us to be all freaky and swing and all that. I just want her to start having sex again like we used to - before our lives got complicated and we grew up. I want her to be a prostitute again - but, of course, with only me.

She just seems a little broken. Any advice?

Replies(13)

oopoopoop

replied on February 4th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

You sound like you have a very mature and complete understanding of yourself and your sexuality. Your attitude is so wonderfully positive, it's unfortunate you've gotten to a point in your relationship with your wife that you have.

I'm not sure what kind of advice to give you. This is, as you are perfectly aware no doubt, something you and your wife are needing to talk about -- but if she won't talk to you about it, what to do?

The only thing I would suggest is that it may not be "shame" about her past that is the problem, but perhaps that she has moved on in her feelings about herself, her body, and what is important. Many use sex as a way to feel loved -- having a lot of partners isn't a way of getting a sexual thrill, it can be a way of simply feeling wanted and appreciated. She's now moved to a different place in her life, and doesn't feel that sex is what makes her feel loved and appreciated. She has probably also come to the realisation that she had a lot of sex that was meaningless -- a subconscious conclusion can be that any sex is therefore meaningless.

I don't know how you can go about it, but you need to make your wife understand that you love and desire her -- that sex is only one way of being with her, and that it is not the *reason* you want her (ie which objectifies both her and the act) -- but that you want her, and that is why you want to have sex with her, but it isn't the most important thing.

Your wife is playing different roles now, from those in the past -- and you need to appreciate her for who she is now.

lakersfan

replied on February 4th, 2006

New User

poopoopoo wrote:

you sound like you have a very mature and complete understanding of yourself and your sexuality. Your attitude is so wonderfully positive, it's unfortunate you've gotten to a point in your relationship with your wife that you have.

I'm not sure what kind of advice to give you. This is, as you are perfectly aware no doubt, something you and your wife are needing to talk about -- but if she won't talk to you about it, what to do?

The only thing I would suggest is that it may not be "shame" about her past that is the problem, but perhaps that she has moved on in her feelings about herself, her body, and what is important. Many use sex as a way to feel loved -- having a lot of partners isn't a way of getting a sexual thrill, it can be a way of simply feeling wanted and appreciated. She's now moved to a different place in her life, and doesn't feel that sex is what makes her feel loved and appreciated. She has probably also come to the realisation that she had a lot of sex that was meaningless -- a subconscious conclusion can be that any sex is therefore meaningless.

I don't know how you can go about it, but you need to make your wife understand that you love and desire her -- that sex is only one way of being with her, and that it is not the *reason* you want her (ie which objectifies both her and the act) -- but that you want her, and that is why you want to have sex with her, but it isn't the most important thing.

Your wife is playing different roles now, from those in the past -- and you need to appreciate her for who she is now.

i hear you... But great sex... (you know, where you look into each others eyes and waves of physical and emotional connection define your reality - if just for a few moments)... Is very important to me. I still love her so much. I think she's the hottest thing going. I just want her to want me... You know? If what you are saying is that she's "changed" for good - I guess that's what i'm afraid of. We're only here once, and I want to make the mosty of my life. Sex with her is a big part of that. I guess i'll just keep trying...

oopoopoop

replied on February 4th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

lakersfan wrote:

i think your attitude is absolutely fantastic, and I think you need to communicate this to your wife exactly like you have here! I guess what I was saying is that, with kids and getting a bit older, etc., maybe she doesn't feel like being sexy is really one of her main roles right now -- but maybe you can let her know that everything you have together has made her *more* attractive, and that your feelings for *her* outside of her role as wife and mother, are still the same.

Spanky2005

replied on February 4th, 2006

Experienced User

Its strange that your wife is the way she is. I believe she is at the age where she should be at the peak of her sexual prowess.

I seriously think that your wife has some hormonal imbalance.
These hormones dictate her attitude toward sex and toward you.
The prudish behavior is part of that imbalance.

Its funny how time can change a person so quickly.. I mean 10 yrs is not really that long.

My advice to you is to get her to improve her sexual health. There are health foods that can help such as dong quai (sp?), licorice etc.

One more piece of advice: if you really love her, dont just go for the sex right away. Make her feel more loved and let her know with flowers and cards etc.

In any case, I think the problem lies with her and not you...

lakersfan

replied on February 4th, 2006

New User

spanky2005 wrote:

its strange that your wife is the way she is. I believe she is at the age where she should be at the peak of her sexual prowess.

I seriously think that your wife has some hormonal imbalance.
These hormones dictate her attitude toward sex and toward you.
The prudish behavior is part of that imbalance.

Its funny how time can change a person so quickly.. I mean 10 yrs is not really that long.

My advice to you is to get her to improve her sexual health. There are health foods that can help such as dong quai (sp?), licorice etc.

One more piece of advice: if you really love her, dont just go for the sex right away. Make her feel more loved and let her know with flowers and cards etc.

In any case, I think the problem lies with her and not you...

on her age and sexual peak - I agree 100%. I mean, I know having the kids messed her up for a bunch of years... And I get that. This is all relatively recent (at least my attention to the matter is). It's been over two years since our last child - we've decide we're done.

We had her hormones tested - normal. We had her change from the pill to iud, just in case.

I try to be as romantic as possible - without being sappy (girls hate too much mushy stuff regardless of what they say). I mean, I bought her $1400 diamond earrings for x-mas, but I don't sing ot her... Or read poetry... That's not me. I'm kind of a gruff guy. 6'1" - 210 lbs. A little on the "scary" side (as she likes to call me) but in a good way.

I really think this all has to do with her inability to accept that she went through a period in her life when she was a freak. When she does talk about that time in her life - she seems genuinely disgusted. I mean disgusted.

We were hammered one night while we were on vacation - we were hanging out on the beach and I was trying to get her to open up. I asked her about her wildest sexual experience and she related a story to me about having sex with 4 guys at a party when she was 17. Not a gangbang - but one after the other with the lights off. She said she was very drunk and hardly remembered it at all - although i'm sure the rep she gained for it in highschool hammered it home. She didn't even know who two of them were until later. Rather than get excited she practically started crying. It ruined the night.

I told her that maybe she felt raped or something... But she denied that. She said she was willing.

I don't prod her to open up about specifics anymore. It's shame - i'm almost sure of it.

Spanky2005

replied on February 4th, 2006

Experienced User

Give her a break. Leave her alone for a while. See how it turns out.
Use your hand in the meantime ;-) thats what I do!

lakersfan

replied on February 4th, 2006

New User

spanky2005 wrote:

give her a break. Leave her alone for a while. See how it turns out.
Use your hand in the meantime ;-) thats what I do!

good advice... Spanky. Not.

That's a recipe for not having sex at all. My whole point is that unless I initiate - she is not interested. I am interested in finding out how others solved thier issues in this regard.

oopoopoop

replied on February 4th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Have you considered that maybe she thinks she's getting sex often enough? Why should she initiate it when maybe it's already more often than she would like? From what you said, you have three children, the youngest is what -- about 3? Maybe she just isn't feeling particularly sexy after being mommy all day. Give her a break.

Spanky2005

replied on February 4th, 2006

Experienced User

My wife ininiates sex about once in six months. Most of the time its when she is ovulating. Its always me that wants it. But she does get in the mood when I start things up..
Maybe its the guys that need it anyway..Who knows.

~baby~g~

replied on February 5th, 2006

Experienced User

Gosh theres more to life then sex, get over it

lsipes

replied on February 5th, 2006

Experienced User

Without reading any of the other replies, I shall supply my own.

It sounds to me as if she's not so much ashamed of her past, but she's *over* her past. She's in mommy mode now. Maybe she's decided that since she's got three kids it's time to not act like a teenager? Not saying acting like a teenager in bed is bad, by any means. But after I had my son I went through somewhat of the same thing. Not to mention how my body changed. I'm still hot, lol. But I look "different" than I used to and it's hard to accept sometimes.

You need to just talk to her and find out where the root of the problem is. Only then can you make progress.

lsipes

replied on February 5th, 2006

Experienced User

~baby~g~ wrote:

gosh theres more to life then sex, get over it

yes. There is more to life than sex. However, sex is a big part of marriage. Especially for men.

Another thing to look at, lakersfan (i think that's your sn!) is if you're meeting her emotional needs. Do you help out with the kids? Do you do things to make it easier for her? Something as simple as giving the kids a bath or cooking dinner for the evening can make a world of difference. A lot of the reason in many marriages for the decline in sexual activity is that the husband doesn't really make the wife feel like her emotional needs are being met, therefore, why should she meet his sexual needs? Both partners' needs must be met for harmonious cohabitation!

juicy

replied on February 10th, 2006

New User

Maybe because your wife has had children she may feel that she doesnt look as desireable as b4. So now your wife doesnt feel confident.

The issue may not be anything to do with sex. Not to worry you but how is your wife like in the every day to day thingd..I mean is she eating right,how is she dressing, do u thing shes depressed.

Check out how she feels menta about her self and life and lay off the sex for a while show her that your not just with her for sex show that you are interested in her needs.

Another facter may be that because you have both had alot of sex and had all types of sex in every position imagenable she may just be board.When you do things over and over again is does get boring because you already know what the out come will be so there is no excitement any more.Your wife know what to expect.There is a lack of mystery.

Talk to her. Hope it goes well. :)

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