My Wife Has Sexual Shame Issues... Help! Posted: 02-04-06 12:28pm
I met my wife in 1996 when we were 23
years old. At that time we were
both sexually hyper-active. She had
over 50 partners, and I am in the 75 range
(kind of lost count)... So,
needless to say we were both promiscuous
by societies standards. We've both
had group sex, public sex, lots of one
night stands, etc.
Ok, so after dating casually for about 3
months we got pregnant. We decided
to keep the baby and move in
together...Give it our best shot at a
normal life. About a year and a
half later, we got pregnant again.
5 years after that we had another.
And finally in 2004 we got married.
Our relationship has had some rocky
streches, but we have remained faithful to
each other and built a very comfortable
life together. It seems the kids
and family life kind of "knocked" us both
out of our whoring...
One thing has been tough for me though...
Over the years, she seems to have lost
her drive. Her desire. My
wife is very guarded about sex. I
mean, we have a lot of sex (sometime 3-4
times a week or more). But, it's
all my doing. I make the moves.
I initiate nealy all sex, affection and
intamacy. A lot of the time I feel
like she's just doing it to keep me happy.
Which is fine...
Sometimes.
She is very uncomfortable talking about
sex. She is uncomfortable with sex
unless it's in our bed, with the lights
off. She is, for lack or a better
word, kind of prude.
We can't talk about sex without her being
grossed out - or getting angry. She
shies aways from oral sex and multiple
positions are out of the question unless
she is drunk.
This is not the same girl I first met
(which is both a good and a bad thing).
I think she feels a lot of shame about her
past. She seems guilt ridden about
her sexual promiscuity in the past.
I am fine with it (in fact, being a dirty,
dirty guy - it kind of turns me on) .
Anyway, I don't want us to be all freaky
and swing and all that. I just want
her to start having sex again like we used
to - before our lives got complicated and
we grew up. I want her to be a
prostitute again - but, of course, with
only me.
She just seems a little broken. Any
advice?
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oopoopoop
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Mar 2004 Posts: 1363 Location: ,
Thanks: 58
Thanked:3
Posted: 02-04-06 12:52pm
You sound like you have a very mature and
complete understanding of yourself and
your sexuality. Your attitude is so
wonderfully positive, it's unfortunate
you've gotten to a point in your
relationship with your wife that you
have.
I'm not sure what kind of advice to give
you. This is, as you are perfectly aware
no doubt, something you and your wife are
needing to talk about -- but if she won't
talk to you about it, what to do?
The only thing I would suggest is that it
may not be "shame" about her past that is
the problem, but perhaps that she has
moved on in her feelings about herself,
her body, and what is important. Many use
sex as a way to feel loved -- having a lot
of partners isn't a way of getting a
sexual thrill, it can be a way of simply
feeling wanted and appreciated. She's now
moved to a different place in her life,
and doesn't feel that sex is what makes
her feel loved and appreciated. She has
probably also come to the realisation that
she had a lot of sex that was meaningless
-- a subconscious conclusion can be that
any sex is therefore meaningless.
I don't know how you can go about it, but
you need to make your wife understand that
you love and desire her -- that sex is
only one way of being with her, and that
it is not the *reason* you want her (ie
which objectifies both her and the act) --
but that you want her, and that is why you
want to have sex with her, but it isn't
the most important thing.
Your wife is playing different roles now,
from those in the past -- and you need to
appreciate her for who she is now.
|
lakersfan
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Feb 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Maryland
Posted: 02-04-06 13:01pm
poopoopoo
wrote:
you sound like you have a
very mature and complete understanding of
yourself and your sexuality. Your
attitude is so wonderfully positive, it's
unfortunate you've gotten to a point in
your relationship with your wife that you
have.
I'm not sure what kind of advice to give
you. This is, as you are perfectly
aware no doubt, something you and your
wife are needing to talk about -- but if
she won't talk to you about it, what to
do?
The only thing I would suggest is that it
may not be "shame" about her past that is
the problem, but perhaps that she has
moved on in her feelings about herself,
her body, and what is important. Many
use sex as a way to feel loved -- having a
lot of partners isn't a way of getting a
sexual thrill, it can be a way of simply
feeling wanted and appreciated. She's
now moved to a different place in her
life, and doesn't feel that sex is what
makes her feel loved and appreciated.
She has probably also come to the
realisation that she had a lot of sex that
was meaningless -- a subconscious
conclusion can be that any sex is
therefore meaningless.
I don't know how you can go about it, but
you need to make your wife understand that
you love and desire her -- that sex is
only one way of being with her, and that
it is not the *reason* you want her (ie
which objectifies both her and the act) --
but that you want her, and that is why you
want to have sex with her, but it isn't
the most important thing.
Your wife is playing different roles now,
from those in the past -- and you need to
appreciate her for who she is
now.
i hear you... But great sex... (you
know, where you look into each others eyes
and waves of physical and emotional
connection define your reality - if just
for a few moments)... Is very important
to me. I still love her so much. I
think she's the hottest thing going. I
just want her to want me... You know?
If what you are saying is that she's
"changed" for good - I guess that's what
i'm afraid of. We're only here once, and
I want to make the mosty of my life. Sex
with her is a big part of that. I guess
i'll just keep trying...
|
oopoopoop
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Mar 2004 Posts: 1363 Location: ,
Thanks: 58
Thanked:3
Posted: 02-04-06 13:39pm
lakersfan
wrote:
i hear you... But great sex... (you
know, where you look into each others eyes
and waves of physical and emotional
connection define your reality - if just
for a few moments)... Is very important
to me. I still love her so much. I
think she's the hottest thing going. I
just want her to want me... You know?
If what you are saying is that she's
"changed" for good - I guess that's what
i'm afraid of. We're only here once, and
I want to make the mosty of my life. Sex
with her is a big part of that. I guess
i'll just keep
trying...
i think your attitude is absolutely
fantastic, and I think you need to
communicate this to your wife exactly like
you have here! I guess what I was saying
is that, with kids and getting a bit
older, etc., maybe she doesn't feel like
being sexy is really one of her main roles
right now -- but maybe you can let her
know that everything you have together has
made her *more* attractive, and that your
feelings for *her* outside of her role as
wife and mother, are still the same.
|
Spanky2005
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2005 Posts: 78 Location: Philadelphia
Posted: 02-04-06 13:48pm
Its strange that your wife is the way she
is. I believe she is at the age where she
should be at the peak of her sexual
prowess.
I seriously think that your wife has some
hormonal imbalance.
These hormones dictate her attitude toward
sex and toward you.
The prudish behavior is part of that
imbalance.
Its funny how time can change a person so
quickly.. I mean 10 yrs is not really
that long.
My advice to you is to get her to improve
her sexual health. There are health foods
that can help such as dong quai (sp?),
licorice etc.
One more piece of advice: if you really
love her, dont just go for the sex right
away. Make her feel more loved and let
her know with flowers and cards etc.
In any case, I think the problem lies with
her and not you...
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lakersfan
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Feb 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Maryland
Posted: 02-04-06 14:14pm
spanky2005
wrote:
its strange that your wife
is the way she is. I believe she is at
the age where she should be at the peak of
her sexual prowess.
I seriously think that your wife has some
hormonal imbalance.
These hormones dictate her attitude toward
sex and toward you.
The prudish behavior is part of that
imbalance.
Its funny how time can change a person so
quickly.. I mean 10 yrs is not really
that long.
My advice to you is to get her to improve
her sexual health. There are health
foods that can help such as dong quai
(sp?), licorice etc.
One more piece of advice: if you really
love her, dont just go for the sex right
away. Make her feel more loved and let
her know with flowers and cards etc.
In any case, I think the problem lies with
her and not
you...
on her age and sexual peak - I agree 100%.
I mean, I know having the kids messed
her up for a bunch of years... And I get
that. This is all relatively recent (at
least my attention to the matter is).
It's been over two years since our last
child - we've decide we're done.
We had her hormones tested - normal. We
had her change from the pill to iud, just
in case.
I try to be as romantic as possible -
without being sappy (girls hate too much
mushy stuff regardless of what they say).
I mean, I bought her $1400 diamond
earrings for x-mas, but I don't sing ot
her... Or read poetry... That's not
me. I'm kind of a gruff guy. 6'1" -
210 lbs. A little on the "scary" side
(as she likes to call me) but in a good
way.
I really think this all has to do with her
inability to accept that she went through
a period in her life when she was a freak.
When she does talk about that time in
her life - she seems genuinely disgusted.
I mean disgusted.
We were hammered one night while we were
on vacation - we were hanging out on the
beach and I was trying to get her to open
up. I asked her about her wildest sexual
experience and she related a story to me
about having sex with 4 guys at a party
when she was 17. Not a gangbang - but
one after the other with the lights off.
She said she was very drunk and hardly
remembered it at all - although i'm sure
the rep she gained for it in highschool
hammered it home. She didn't even know
who two of them were until later. Rather
than get excited she practically started
crying. It ruined the night.
I told her that maybe she felt raped or
something... But she denied that. She
said she was willing.
I don't prod her to open up about
specifics anymore. It's shame - i'm
almost sure of it.
|
Spanky2005
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2005 Posts: 78 Location: Philadelphia
Posted: 02-04-06 15:13pm
Give her a break. Leave her alone for a
while. See how it turns out.
Use your hand in the meantime ;-) thats
what I do!
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lakersfan
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 04 Feb 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Maryland
Posted: 02-04-06 16:43pm
spanky2005
wrote:
give her a break. Leave
her alone for a while. See how it turns
out.
Use your hand in the meantime ;-) thats
what I do!
good advice... Spanky. Not.
That's a recipe for not having sex at all.
My whole point is that unless I initiate
- she is not interested. I am interested
in finding out how others solved thier
issues in this regard.
|
oopoopoop
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Mar 2004 Posts: 1363 Location: ,
Thanks: 58
Thanked:3
Posted: 02-04-06 17:16pm
Have you considered that maybe she thinks
she's getting sex often enough? Why
should she initiate it when maybe it's
already more often than she would like?
From what you said, you have three
children, the youngest is what -- about 3?
Maybe she just isn't feeling particularly
sexy after being mommy all day. Give her
a break.
|
Spanky2005
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Jul 2005 Posts: 78 Location: Philadelphia
Posted: 02-04-06 17:58pm
My wife ininiates sex about once in six
months. Most of the time its when she is
ovulating. Its always me that wants it.
But she does get in the mood when I start
things up..
Maybe its the guys that need it
anyway..Who knows.
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~baby~g~
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 221 Location: Ohio
Posted: 02-05-06 16:53pm
Gosh theres more to life then sex, get
over it
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lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Posted: 02-05-06 17:01pm
Without reading any of the other replies,
I shall supply my own.
It sounds to me as if she's not so much
ashamed of her past, but she's *over* her
past. She's in mommy mode now. Maybe
she's decided that since she's got three
kids it's time to not act like a teenager?
Not saying acting like a teenager in bed
is bad, by any means. But after I had my
son I went through somewhat of the same
thing. Not to mention how my body
changed. I'm still hot, lol. But I
look "different" than I used to and it's
hard to accept sometimes.
You need to just talk to her and find out
where the root of the problem is. Only
then can you make progress.
|
lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Posted: 02-05-06 17:04pm
~baby~g~
wrote:
gosh theres more to life
then sex, get over
it
yes. There is more to life than sex.
However, sex is a big part of marriage.
Especially for men.
Another thing to look at, lakersfan (i
think that's your sn!) is if you're
meeting her emotional needs. Do you help
out with the kids? Do you do things to
make it easier for her? Something as
simple as giving the kids a bath or
cooking dinner for the evening can make a
world of difference. A lot of the reason
in many marriages for the decline in
sexual activity is that the husband
doesn't really make the wife feel like her
emotional needs are being met, therefore,
why should she meet his sexual needs?
Both partners' needs must be met for
harmonious cohabitation!
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juicy
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 25 Jan 2006 Posts: 18 Location: birmingham
Posted: 02-10-06 05:45am
Maybe because your wife has had children
she may feel that she doesnt look as
desireable as b4. So now your wife doesnt
feel confident.
The issue may not be anything to do with
sex. Not to worry you but how is your
wife like in the every day to day
thingd..I mean is she eating right,how is
she dressing, do u thing shes depressed.
Check out how she feels menta about her
self and life and lay off the sex for a
while show her that your not just with her
for sex show that you are interested in
her needs.
Another facter may be that because you
have both had alot of sex and had all
types of sex in every position imagenable
she may just be board.When you do things
over and over again is does get boring
because you already know what the out come
will be so there is no excitement any
more.Your wife know what to expect.There
is a lack of mystery.
