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Q: Need Help

asked by: man_on_e on January 31st, 2006

New User

I feel so empty.

My wife and I had been together just shy of ten years counting courtship. Last week she tells me she doesn't love me anymore. We had always been inseparable until lately. She says she hasn't really loved me for a couple of years, but she always said things like "i love you soo much" and other indicators that she did. And she acted like she still loved me, even up to the day before d-day, being personal, affectionate and intimate. I still love her dearly, but she doesn't even seem sad about the impending divorce. I think that is what kills me the most, that I feel completely destroyed by this and she doesn't even seem fazed.

I've tried to show her how much she means to me, but to no avail. She's already even started a relationship with a mutual friend with whom she works. Obviously, I don't see a friendship with him any longer.

I am really struggling with how to feel like a person again. I got laid off from my job one week before she tells me all of this. She still lives in the apartment we shared from moving here. So I had to move back with my parents (another feeling of shame being late twenties and living at home again). I just feel vacant, hence my username.

I'd love any advice someone can give, because i'm really having difficulty keeping my head above water.

Replies(7)

undecidedInCO

replied on February 1st, 2006

New User

I don't mean to be a witch, but the way you're feeling is how my husband's feeling. We've been together almost 9 years (married for almost 6) and i've fallen out of love with him.

I do tell him I love him because I do...Love him as a person, but i'm not in love with him anymore. We've grown apart. I'm a lot more outgoing and adventurous than he is and it's started to affect our relationship. He's always been a homebody and wants to stay a homebody.

I don't know your situation, your history...Mine consisted of me being totally loyal and in love with him and having him treat me like crap for the first 5 years. As I built up my wall of "hatred", he was knocking his down and is finally starting to be the person I needed him to be years ago.

Unfortunately, it's almost too little, too late. We're going to try counseling...Maybe y'all can, too...

man_on_e

replied on February 1st, 2006

New User

Thanks for the reply, but counseling isn't an option since she has feelings for someone else.

Curiously, did you ever try to make it clear to him that your "love for him" was as a friend only? My wife never did. She tried to stay in the relationship and "fight it off", god love her. But she always said it the same caring way and our embraces and kisses were just as passionate as they had been for many years. It really gave no indication of what she was actually feeling.

And I most definitely didn't treat her like crap, and i'm extremely sorry to hear that you were treated properly. That's awful. I've always been faithful and caring to my wife. It wasn't even hard for me to be that way because I loved her so dearly that I couldn't even imagine doing things that would hurt her, it hurts me to even think of hurting her still now.

I still talk to my wife now (for more than just finalizing the divorce). I was her best friend and she was mine (and still are). But I just am not sure how to feel whole again with so much missing.

undecidedInCO

replied on February 1st, 2006

New User

The only reason my hubby is doing counseling is because I told him he has no choice...Actually, I told him that a year ago and he finally realizes he's losing me so he's agreed to go. That's part of the problem, though...He's waited too long to do counseling.

I can tell there's no spark left when we kiss or hold each other...I don't know if he knows it. I told him a couple weeks ago that i'm not happy, that I know he loves me, but my feelings have changed. He says he's not happy, too, and that's why he wants counseling.

The funny (and sad) thing is, he's more passionate when i'm withdrawn. As soon as I feel like there might be a glimmer of hope, he reverts back to his old ways.

I've been trying to fight it and fall in love with him again, but it's not working. It's a sh!Tty feeling, too...Cuz I know he's now in love with me the way I was with him a long time ago.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It hurts, and it's draining...But try to look at it as an experience...Be grateful you had the time together...The friendship.

As miserable as I am now, I don't regret anything because it's taught me alot about myself and what I need from a partner & what I can offer a partner.

man_on_e

replied on February 1st, 2006

New User

I hope that the counseling works for you, because you sound like a good person and I can only hope you will find happiness whether w/ your husband or with someone else. And if he's not happy either, then counseling and/or separation seem to be the only logical conclusion.

My wife tried to fight it immensely too and it hurt her in several ways trying to fight so hard for so long. And at first I was really hurt by the fact that she wouldn't just "come clean" and tell me her feelings so that this healing process could have started long ago. But I realized she tried because she still cared. She may not have loved me like I love her, but she tried like crazy because she still cared for me and she knew how much I loved her.

I don't regret anything about my relationship. She was and still is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Sure it is really tough right now, but I had an amazing 10 years with her that I wouldn't give up for anything. I just have to figure out how to move on and not feel so bad doing it. But I guess it will just take time. At least she is still my friend and actually has been trying to help me through this time.

Tough times indeed, but I hope all goes well for both you and i.

undecidedInCO

replied on February 1st, 2006

New User

Try to find your own space and friends, too. It's great she wants to help you through this, but the more you're around her, the more you'll be reminded of your love for her. That'll make it harder to move on.

I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason...It will work out for you, just like it will work out for me. Life happens...Just keep your chin up and keep moving ahead...

sandyallen

replied on February 1st, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

Hi there! I am very sorry for your situation, 10 years is a while to be with one person to me, sssome women or men feel that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I have known of couples that have woken ip one day after being married for 35 years and do not love each other anymore and end up in a divorce and their are some couples that get along better without that piece of paper. It is not yor fault and do hot blame yourself, just like the poster above said, things happen and their are things that we do not have any control over. You may even get back together, noone knows but do not dwell on it but have a life, start seeing others heck, you are still young, enjoy life, it is too short not to.
Good luck!

man_on_e

replied on February 2nd, 2006

New User

I agree with what both of you said. I am trying to do as many separate things as possible, starting my single life. And I know that everything happens for a reason, I just wish I had the strength of faith that you display. Because I realize there is a reason but still sometimes struggle to accept it solely on faith.

But i'll be honest, there has been a burden lifted from both of our shoulders and even in my current state I can kind of tell that the last two months were wearing on me. Plus it actually makes me feel good to see her happy again.

And quite possibly, the 10yr / length of time angle has some truth. I can't ever be 100% sure since it didn't actually happen to me. And if that was part of the reason, so be it. There wouldn't be much I could do about that anyway.

But I appreciate the encouragement from both of you. I do feel much better than a couple of days ago when I first posted this thread. Still much work to do, more progress to make, just got to keep plugging on.

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