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Can't Take Anymore

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I am schizophrenic and no matter what I do im hurting & crying all the time im in college & everything is extremely difficult.

I have a hard time with my work, life in general & the pain of knowing everyone around me is normal & im not is unbearable (so unfair, & no one understands). I have no friends here; in highschool I hardly had any friends & I have never been in a real relationship (im 23 yrs).

When everyone else always talks about all their friends & their best friends & all their relationships, I always feel so left out, hurt & rejected bcause I don't have any of those things (im 23 years) & always stay silent bcause I cant talk about it (i feel so unbelievably left out). I feel as if god has rejected me; as if I wasn't good enough to have those simple things. And even if if I do get those things, I have to live with the shame of my past.

If it was up to me, iwould have killed myself so many years ago. I wanna die so bad, I feel so alone at this university & in this world & want so much to commit suicide; I would have done it today if I had the courage; cant take anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's the point of living when you're being tortured every single day? Anything to end the pain.

I want to kill myself this very moment; does anyone care or understand?
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:
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replied January 27th, 2006
First thing is you are not alone, ive had schizophrenia for 20+ years so I know what it feels like to feel alone and all the despair etc with it.
I feel suicidal even now at times but I know if I go to sleep I will feel better when I wake up. Youve got to find a way that works for you to get rid of the suicidal thoughts. I,m glad I didnt manage to kill myself all those years ago when I tried, you will be glad too.
Being like this is a learning time, youve got to learn how to cope and what
works for you. If you need company , join a small group of somesort, preferably one that does your hobby or likes in life, this will open you out a little. Theres 6 billion people in the world, your not short of finding anyone to talk to. Theres more women out there than men too so dont be shy joining a dating agency or something similar. Just dont depress them, poeple dont like depression stuffed on them, this is where self discipline comes and learning comes in.
Control yourself first and find the cut off switch to your suicidal thoughts and your on your way.
Give yourself an aim to keep you going, I make targets every year to reach, either make enough to get a holiday or buy something big.
Theres never a quick solution to everything, keep looking and you will find what helps you.
P.S. Cry as much as you like, if it helps do it more.
Keep your chin up
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replied January 30th, 2006
Schizophrenia
Hi, I hope ur feeling a bit better. I work in mental health and I dont mean to give u any more worry but it sounds like u have a dual diagnosis. I think the one that shows in ur last message is boderline personality disorder. Check out this website for more info, i'm sure u'll find it interesting.


Borderlineuk.Co.Uk/

ps. I'm sorry if u dont agree and this upsets you

good luck
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replied January 31st, 2006
Thanks
I was not offended by your suggestion that I might have bpd. I did check out the website & I do have a few of the symptoms in each subsection, but not a lot. I do think that I just have schizophrenia though, & not enough of the symptoms to have bpd. Here are my symptoms:

i am definitely emotionally unstable & unable to feel certain emotions in certain situations (happiness, anger, regret)
i have no social skills (i'm 23 & have 1 friend at the university I attend & no friends from high school)
hallucinations: I used to see visions in my mind of me being a beautiful angel (but I don't have hallucinations anymore)
i do have some paranoia (delusions of granduer & sometimes I would think someone did something against me & later find out it wasn't the case)
i don't remember being a child (before age 11)
i've been hearing voices since 13 (they say evil things, blasphemous things (against god), they curse me & call me filthy names & somethings they say things that don't make sense. The voices torment me constantly; it's a miracle I didn't kill myself bcause of them
many times my behavior is like a child (someone would do something to me & and I would ignore them & pout about it but get really angry because they don't even notice or care
i feel rejected all the time (especially since I know I have schizophrenia now). People rejected me for many years; they just didn't like me for some reason; I would see how they would treat others compared to how they treated me (this was not all in my mind). I'm furious at god bcause it's so painful being this way & knowing everyone around you is normal with friends & a normal life & no one understands; they're just concerned about their life & their friends. I felt like god rejected me; like I wasn't good enough to have the simple things everyone needs (like friends, etc.) how can anyone love themselves or have any self-esteem if they feel this way? It's impossible. What are you supposed to do when you feel that even god has abandoned you (on top of everything else)??

These are just a few of my symptoms. No one will ever know the hell & torment i've been through all my life. I still don't wanna live; life is not worth living this way. It's easy to say suicide is not the answer but you would think differently if you were in my situation. The truth is if I really wanted to kill myself, no one & no words would be able to stop me. These two posts have been helpful.
:( :( :( :( :(
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replied February 7th, 2006
Ur Askin For Help 4 a Reason
Hi,
it seems to me that ur askin for help for a reason. And that reason is that u want to get better - not die! As for no one knows how u feel, there r so many people who feel like you & I have been unfortunate enough to have 2 loved ones take their lives.
The 1st the 14 yr old brother I never had, I was 16 at the time. He never asked for help and therefore got none. His death ruined the relationship between myself and his sister (my bestfreind for yrs), it also made me need counselling for years which had an effect on my 1st marriage.
The second is my sister-in-law, she had schizophrenia, bi-polar, ocd & bpd, she lived with all these for 10yrs before od'ing. She left a 5 yr old daughter who is now 8 and still wetting the bed, she too now has mental health problems because of this. My partner is still grieving as are his parents 2& a half yrs later.
So all I ask is, that u remember those u would be leaving behind. Their lives will never be the same again.

And on another level, how do u know what is waiting for you wen u die? How do u know if the torment stops? Try and seek more advice....Please!!!

My thoughts r with u!

Lea :?:
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replied February 21st, 2006
Learn Well English Then...
Find no friend?

To become a english teacher at taiwan. Lot of taiwanese gals love to have friend like u. No matter how u look. They just like to hang up with american native.

Never speak schizophrenia infront of them. They will scare of it.

Like me I got no friend either. I live and eat well. Do my best to cure over "it".
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Users who thank jei for this post: harmony1 

replied May 8th, 2008
hi
Hello. I seem to have the same problem. I am 26 and have one friend and I have had many moments with no friends at all. I have never had a boyfriend in my life. I would have killed myself too if I had the guts. I don't know what to do but sit here and suffer. I am in the same boat. I have been to the doctor but they don't know what is wrong with me.

I just want you to know that you are not alone and I hope you can get better soon.
SmileSmileSmile
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Users who thank lilyjones for this post: Georgia59 

User Profile
replied May 8th, 2008
Especially eHealthy
same to you lilyjones- we're here for you! Thanks for sharing, it really means a lot to the community.
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replied May 10th, 2008
Experienced User
ttomko wrote:
First thing is you are not alone, ive had schizophrenia for 20+ years so I know what it feels like to feel alone and all the despair etc with it.

I feel suicidal even now at times but I know if I go to sleep I will feel better when I wake up. Youve got to find a way that works for you to get rid of the suicidal thoughts. I,m glad I didnt manage to kill myself all those years ago when I tried, you will be glad too.

Being like this is a learning time, youve got to learn how to cope and what
works for you. If you need company , join a small group of somesort, preferably one that does your hobby or likes in life, this will open you out a little. Theres 6 billion people in the world, your not short of finding anyone to talk to. Theres more women out there than men too so dont be shy joining a dating agency or something similar. Just dont depress them, poeple dont like depression stuffed on them, this is where self discipline comes and learning comes in.

Control yourself first and find the cut off switch to your suicidal thoughts and your on your way.
Give yourself an aim to keep you going, I make targets every year to reach, either make enough to get a holiday or buy something big.

Theres never a quick solution to everything, keep looking and you will find what helps you.
P.S. Cry as much as you like, if it helps do it more.

Keep your chin up


Exactly it seems u lack in social skills, When skitso kicked in at me
I hadn't any social skills also I was like a cold blood snake or somthing
U need to learn to behave and what u are, Go out talk to people
I know that sounds really hard for u, but just do it maybe the first time it would be a failure but u will learn social skills. For me when skitso kicked in it was almost I was a baby again and I needed to learn everything again
But u can learn it all, Just look in my old topics what I learned they old tho
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replied June 4th, 2008
Spirituality as a way to help you cope with schizophrenia
Hi there all you dear Alexis!

I am also a paranoid schizophrenic. I am a white male who is 24 years old. I also cry most of the time because I am often lonely, sad and depressed. I am in so much pain that I once tried to commit suicide-an attempt that failed. When I was in high school a hardly had any friends and now I have absolutely no friends. I have also never been in a real relationship with someone.

Although I did qualify for University my parents didn’t have the money to send me off to college. I am now living with them and am unemployed-since I can’t work out because I am ill. I am now on disability fund. I am very bored most of the time.

I think I can really help you allot by giving you some spiritual advice. Understand that I am not trying to convert you over to anything. I respect the path you have chosen in life. But please forgive me if it seems as if I am trying to impose my beliefs over yours, because that is not what I am trying to do. I only want to provide you with help that you might need someday. You are free to belief whatever you want. Also please forgive me if my spiritual advice is not allowed on this website. I didn’t know that it might not be allowed. Please feel free if the need be to remove this message

Here is my first piece of advice. I would like to tell you the purpose behind pain:

Our souls are just like flowers. They also need both water and sunshine to grow stronger and bigger. The bigger they grow the more water and sunshine our souls require. Now the sunshine represents all of our happy, peaceful and joyful moments in our lives. And the water represents all of our sad, unhappy, lonely, depressing and painful moments. When we are crying we all of our teardrops are giving our souls their water.

So what I am saying is, judging by all your tears you might have shed, that you must be a very strong and big plant to receive so much water. You must have lived many, many previous lifetimes before and after each reincarnation your soul must have grown. In your next life, dear Alexis, your soul will receive much needed sunshine you are looking for. You will have just the opposite life of what you have now.

The bible also says “I will reward you for your suffering...the depth of your suffering will be compensated, through self knowledge and healing”. There is truth in this statement because there is a Universal law in the Universe called the Law of Rhythm, which says that the more the pendulum swings to the left the more in will swing to the right. Just as surely as daylight follows night so will good experiences follow the bad experiences. Opposites always attract

In order to find the light you have to enter the darkness first. So the darker it gets around you the more brilliant and luminous the light will seem when you have found it. But you can’t find the light without entering the darkness first. There is al law of balance, which says that any negative experience you have will always attract an opposite positive experience. Then there is a law of relativity, which says that nothing is good or bad until you can relate it to something else. It depends with what you compare it with. There will always be someone in a worse situation than what you are in and you therefore are not alone.

Then there is the Law of attraction that basically says that we create our own reality by the thoughts and feelings we have. Just go and watch a movie called “The Secret.” When we accept responsibility and stop blaming, criticizing and judging others our problems will disappear. Then there is the law of Karma, which says whatever kind of energy you sent out in a previous lifetime will return to you in the same format. So if you sent out negative energy it will surely return to you. You also had to choose your parents and the body with a genetic predisposition to schizophrenia. You chose to have this illness so that your souls can grow and you can move much closer to the Source or God.

Progression requires resistance to support it just like fish need the resistance of water to support them swimming and birds need the resistance of the air to support them in flying. The more progression you make the more resistance you will receive. So in other words when you make progress in any area of your life (which could have happened in your previous lifetime) you will receive challenges, obstacles and any thing or anyone that will create a painful emotion in you. Just allow the negative energy to flow through your hart charka and it will be converted into positive energy.

Try to non-resist the energy-forgive those who hurt you by choosing not to criticize, blame or judge them. I do realize that in theory it is simple but in practice is it very difficult. Therefore choose something like meditation to help you relax and get your brainwaves in the correct state of mind. Choose for example relaxing New Age music or a brainwave entrainment product.

I would not recommend suicide as a solution for you problem because there exists a big chance that you might have to reincarnate into another physical body and repeat your current lifetime over again with all of the same tests, challenges (illness) and lessons having to be repeated. This is not punishment but rather a gift of unconditional love since God is giving you another chance to learn your lessons and past your tests.

The last couple of weeks I have cried my hart out because I am lonely. Please, dear Alexis you are welcome to send me a private message. I just want to make a new friend. You don’t have to be a female and you don’t have to be interested in spirituality. But I guarantee you that you will like what I could tell you about how spirituality has helped me cope with this illness called schizophrenia. The reason why I would prefer to talk to a female schizophrenic is because most people that have hurt me verbally and caused me emotional trauma have been men. So I feel less threatened by women and just feel more comfortable talking to them.

Much Love, Light, Peace and Hope to you who are suffering.
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replied January 30th, 2010
Ya know what? Im reading all these posts, but are they really talking about how I feel? NO!! I have no ex-girlfriend hang-ups. I have nothing to do with my parents. Does that bother me? NO! Yes!? Ive spent the greater part of my life without them in my life, so I find that a hard question to answer!
BUT!! Here I am! Drinking my beer, warm, spiked with vodka, home-brew rum, whatever, trying to give myself reasons NOT to wrap a rope around my throat and jump from the nearest tree, or drag that knife straight up the length of my arm! F@#K!!!
Here I am!! Over 20 years of depression. More than 15 years of drug abuse (no, Im clean-ish now). But still an alcohol abuser! Is drunkeness the reason Im writing this morbid f@#kin' tale? Hell no!
Has anyone here EVER had the feeling that you weren't worth anything? That your whole life was just one HUGE mistake? That the world would be so much better off without you? Well, that is my life! How do I deal with that? I dont! I havent yet worked out how to make something good from this f@#ked up, dread filled, pain giving life!
Yes, Im on AD's. Do they work? Well, the ones I am on now give me a plateau! Now I can live on a constant 3 (on a scale of 1 - 10). Is that enough to keep me interested in life? F@#K NO!! That is barely enough to keep the rope from my neck!
PLEASE......help me! I dont know where to turn! I dont even know if I WANT to be helped to live. I just want an end to this pain! :.(
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replied May 20th, 2010
Feelings have less to do with me now. I don't stay crying because everyone has broken my trust or because no one has time for me, to see if I have any problem in life or even if I have my own way of living. I need simple things out of life like two words of care when I am alone, arms to hold me when I get frustrated because I can't show emotions..but I get everything from this disease..I get caring friends..new family members every other day , a great job where where I have a great position...and lots of people to talk with..Schizophrenia has given me lots of friends who may not exist for others but they do for me and why would I have medicines when I am happy with them. I am away from the real world but whats the big deal if I am getting enough peace to not try killing myself like I did earlier. Crying is a good option sometimes but what will you do if you can't cry?!! What can anyone do when your loved ones are happy if you are away from them and what can one do if some disease is the only reason to live. I am trying to live everyday of my life to the full by doing whatever I like with the friends that this disease has given me. They speak what I like although they even hurt sometimes it doesn't matter because at least that feeling can bring tear to the eyes. Some emotions show up this way and I can keep up my job by making it a part of my dream world. It becomes easy...Everyone can find a way to live with it and everyone should take its advantages..there are some if you can find.
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replied May 20th, 2010
Active User, very eHealthy
They aren't your friends anyway.

Does anyone even know how to define friend?

They has hardly ever been anyone more alone than those with what you are calling relationships.
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