So Sad And Frustrated...

Hi everyone--

i'm fairly new. I tend to do more lurking than posting. But now I just need to let it all out and vent. And I didn't know where to put this and I am trying to conceive so why not here. I hope no one minds.

First of all, I got pregnant back in august and I have never been so happy. Then in october, at 13 and a half weeks, I lost the baby. I was devastated. I still am. All my life i've never known what I wanted to do career-wise but I did know that I wanted babies and I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Now 3 months later, I still cry about this all the time and think about the baby and what should have been constantly. Oh, and to top it off, a week after my miscarriage a new girl started at work and I had to train her. I guess she felt a connection with me because she confided in me that she was pregnant and due the day after I was supposed to be due. So not only do I not get to have my baby but I get to watch this girl go through everything I should've gone through at the time I should've been going through it. Thank god she just quit but she still stops in to see me every now and again and just the sight of her growing belly makes me want to cry.

Also, I just want to scream when I hear people say "oh, we only had unprotected sex once and now i'm pregnant" or "the condom broke and 9 months later..." or anything like that. How is it that easy for them? It took me 8 months to get pregnant the first time and it was getting to the point where I thought I was infertile. It's been 3 months since the miscarriage and my period (which is never ever late) was almost a week late. I was convinced I was pregnant and though I was trying not to get my hopes up I couldn't help it. But it turns out it was just my body messing with me. That's exactly how it feels, like my body betrayed me. I even had a few symptoms but I guess they also could've just been pms.

I just want this so bad. So bad. And I think what happened to me is so unfair. I'm a good person! I deserved that baby. Unlike those teenage girls who have babies just to leave them in dumpsters or women who smoke crack all throughout their pregnancies. I mean, why do they get to have their babies and I don't? It's just so not fair.

And this has nothing to do with pregnancy but it just seems like the icing on the cake - the boutique that I manage is going out of business. I finally found a job that I loved and now that's being taken from me as well. I think someone has a voodoo doll or put a hex on me or something. I'm just so tired of crying and being sad. I just want to have a baby!


Thanks. I just needed to get it all out.