So I finally had a talk with my guy last night about his need for space. He told me that he doesn't feel the need to see me every few days like I do, and he is a solitary person who needs his space. He also told me that he felt like the time he spent with me was unproductive. I told him that if all he wanted was someone to see casually once a week, then I didn't want to do it. He told me that's not what he wants. He said he doesn't like making plans because he doesn't want to let people down by flaking. Anyway, in the end, all I wanted was for him to tell me that he wanted to see me and say that we would get together this weekend. He said that making weekend plans was "too overwhelming" for him. I don't know what to do. I am thinking about breaking up with him. The thing is, I care about him so much, and I don't want to do it. What do y'all think? (the convo was brought on by a combination of the hocky game that I posted about and the fact that late sunday night when it was dark and raining he made me drive an hour and a half home because he said he needed to work. Turns out he just needed space.)
Space is sometimes good in a relationship, even though it is sometimes scarry this say and age! Just do not sit at home and wait for him to call go out, be with friends, get a hobby, go to the gym(you meet good people there too). Who knows, you might meet someone better and that will treat you better. We all have choices and we must do what makes us happy. Be positive! Sometimes things happen for a reason.
It is time for you to say goodbye. This person is not going to fulfill the needs you have for any kind of relationship except the flaky kind he is telling you he does not want. I wish I could put it in a nicer way but at this point he has made it as obvious as he can. He wants his cake and to be able to eat it too while you cook it and clean up after him.
I know we do not know each other from adam but in the little interaction we have had here at ehealth, you have proven your value to me and to countless others that have read the posts and to the other (in africa no less) that you need to become independent of this man/boy.
As you progress through law school, it is going to become more and more difficult and you are going to need someone to pin down a date and time with and this guy isn't having it. Your time is far to valuable to be wasting on someone that doesn't value you for each and every second you give to them.
Keep us up to date and do what is best for you this time! ;>)
I was thinking about breaking up with him today, so I called him at work. He didn't answer, but he called back later. Anyway, I got really mad. I told him I was pissed at him, that his comments were horrible, and that I was thinking about breaking up with him. Anyway, he didn't seem to want to break up at all. He said he did like me and want to see me, and what was I doing today? In the end, he promised to be at my house tomorrow at 6:30 to take me out. I told him he is on probation. I feel kind of bad for yelling so much.
From a guys perspective. I don't think he wants to even make time for you. If he doesn't even want to be with you, or see you every once in a while, not every day...Then there's soemthing wrong with him. And it's just an excuse to keep u around. I need my space as well, but when ur just beginning a relationship, the last thing you want to do is just say I want you to do ur thang, and i'll do mine.
Unless, he may have been single for a while, and is afraid of falling in lvoe so quickly. That was why my g/f struggled our first month of dating. But only you really know what's going on and how he's acting. We can just give our 2 cents... Good luck
The thing that makes this so hard is that he's not a bad guy by any means. In fact, he's a wonderful guy. His committment issues, though, seem to be quite real, and, unfortunately they make my insecurity and anxiety alot worse. That having been said, he isn't doing it intentionally--in fact, he's probably not even aware of it most of the time. And, for the most part, I don't pick on him about it. This fight this past week is the first time I have brought it up to him at all.
It's funny because the fight came at an inopportune time. With my mom coming, I have been nervous about getting everything planned--she will be mad if I don't. That includes making reservations that include john, so I have called him alot more this week about that than I usually call him. If I don't plan it out and get him to commit ahead of time, my mom is going to hate him. Also, I am living by myself for the first time, starting this week. It is not easy for me. I am very social, and I have always had alot of people around. And so once when I got lonely the temptation to call overwhelmed me. Also, today, something really exciting happened to me. The therapist I started seeing told me if I don't start being honest with him (ie tellling him when I am excited, calling when I want to call within reason) then the relationship will not be able to sustain itself. The therapist told me to call and share my excitement with john, so I sucked it up and called and told him about it. He was happy for me. He doesn't seem annoyed at all of my calling, but I should stop anyway. While I have had legitimate reasons, I know that after the fighting I should let him have his space. The thing is, I want to share these things with him, and I want to make sure everything is set up with my mom. Also, he downloaded google talk on my computer this weekend so I could talk to him, and the temptation to use it is overpowering. It was easy for me to resist calling on the cell phone, but the computer calling seems less formal and is just so easy. I almost wish he hadn't put it on my computer bc I have a really hard time not im'ing or google calling him when I see him online. I told him tonight to tell me if I bother him by using it, that I am stir crazy with my law review paper and am im'ing everyone I know like crazy...Anyway, I am rambling...
Crys and valentina--i am really growing to respect your opinion...You seem to understand what I am going through here really well. How bad do you think it is that I have initiated contact with him so much this week? For once it hasn't really been out of insecurity. It's been for real reasons, and he has taken all of my calls and im's and been very kind about it. Do you think initiating contact like this is really bad?
It's funny. While maybe I have been clinging a little bit this week, it is crazy to me that he thought I wass clinging before. I never called unless he did, never pressured him to come over or to do anything. I missed alot of his calls because I was out with friends or at school. I was giving him his space.
Anyway, thank you for all of your listening and advising. It means alot to me. I have been so stressed lately that sometimes it is hard for me to make these kinds of judgment calls by myself.
I havent read all the comments on this posted as I didnt want it to inflance my comment on what you wrote. This guy sound like hes got you under his thumb, he sounds like a lazy bum, sry, I dont even know the guy but he sounds like I was when I was 19, sitting round smoking hash all the time, not giving a !**@!. If I was you I wouldnt let him call the shots, which is what hes doing, dont run after him let him come after you. If he realy likes you and you are ment to be he will come over and sort him self out. Now im thinking about this and what you wrote, is he depressed?
You need someone in your life that brings out the best in you
makes you feel happy
wants you like you want him
dosnt take you for granted
i could go on
ask your self these few questions and be honest with your self, dont be a slave to any one bestrong and stand up for your self.
Lamartine, you need to follow the advice that juke gave you in the previous post. If the guy wants space, give it to him and just stop calling and messaging, etc. Make him come after you. That worked for me once upon a time! I also agree with juke about him being lazy and he also sounds selfish. If he isn't ready for the same thing you are then let him go. Not letting go will only hurt you and continue to piss you off when he says painful things and may or may not show up to take you out. Stop all the doubting.
Perhaps giving him a taste of his own medicine will help him realize what he could lose. You have better things to do besides being brought down all the time.
Wow1 I do know what you're going through. I am going through the same. Except I have been with him for two years. I just started calling all of the time. Lol the more you call the faster they run. So, I am going to try the no calling thing too.. Lol if you need support drop me a message. Lol because I am there too!