1) what kind of eating disorder do you have?
I have bulimia, it started as anorexia but over time it morphed into a force that controlled me (bulimia) instead of something I was controling(anorexia)
2) do u know the risks associated w/the behavior?
I know that a bulimic can't get a heart transplant, and they can have major heart problems. I also am aware that I could tear my stomach and destroy the enamel on my teeth. Knowing the risks is not enough, when that voice inside me starts to shout I can't ignore it. Sometimes I really feel like a slave to this disorder.
3)do you know anyone else who suffers from an eating disorder?
Well I am in college (in a dorm) and the bathroom always smells like it. I won't go into details, but I know it is not from me. I am pretty sure I know who is doing it but really it could be more than one person. I know the girl who sits next to me in my psychology class is ano. Just the way she moves and the way every bone in her body sticks out and the way her veins are, there is no question. I am always hypersensative to noticing people with ed's. It really could all be in my head though. In highschool I had a friend who got into it a little bit, but she was an odd case, I really doubt she still has it, if she ever really did. But no, right now, I have no friends who I am sure have an eating dishorder.
4) when did it start?
My dad had always made comments about my eating( even when I was a very young, very skinny little girl). It started in febuary officially 2004 though I had struggled with related things before. One night I was trying to open a bag of oreos at the dinner table and he made a really harsh comment. I did not eat another cookie that night, but I promised myself that I would shut him up once and for all. I lost about 20 pounds that summer, maybe as many as 30, but it did not, even after he knew, the comments did not stop. He still feels no responsability for my disease. It is my problem.
5)what would it take to help stop?
I have no idea. I joined this blog in hopes of help(today acctually). I see a counselor at school. I went to a psychiatrist my entire senior year, she put me on zoloft(which made me gain most of it back) and prozac, which helped a little with depression but not much and I eventually went off of it and quit going to see her. Really I am at a loss. All I want to do is walk away, but I really feel owned.
6) have you tried to stop?
So many times! When my parents found out in july 2004 I was able to "stop" with the purging but I still dieted like crazy and used laxatives. There have been many other times but few were very successful. When I got to school(fall 05) I was able to gain some control and though I innappropriately skipped meals I was doing much better for about a month. During january(06) I was so excited because I had been doing great for a whole month. I even told my boyfriend( who has been trying hard to support me all along) that I had gone a whole month without purging. He seemed dissapointed that it had not been longer, but I was determined to keep it up. The problem was that it has been an anxiety release, and my anxiety was reaching intolerable levels. I don't know what happened. Halfway through january I just fell flat on my face again. Here I am, praying for answers.
I hope that was not too terribly long/boring. If you have any more questions.
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