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Q: What Can I Do to Help? a Husband's Plea For Help

asked by: levar95 on January 23rd, 2006

New User

My wife never has had a huge sex drive..... Unless she wants to have another baby.... I was able to deal with it for a while, but now its getting harder and her sex drive is horrible to say the least.

Its jan 23 2006 and the last time we had sex was may 17 2005. We're only 28yrs old, so old age is not a factor. She had twins boys in march 2004, and when we did have sex in may that was the first time since we "made" the boys.... So doing the math we've had sex 2x in almost 3 yrs.

I am not an unattractive guy...So I do get a fair share of temptations, but I really love my wife... We've been to together for 10.5 years. We met on our first day of college.... 2hrs later after my parents dropped me off at the campus.... I was a virgin before I met her... So I feel so drawn to her. We have 3 wonderful kids.... 3 houses... We make above average income. I run my company from home, so I am here 80% of the time. I do not want to cheat... Though she can be crabby some times(ok a lot of times)... She's my crabby wife and I love her.

Temptations are getting harder and harder to turn down, because my natural desire is to have sex.... She calls me a pervert for looking at i-net adult sites... And threatens me to stop or i'll be removed from the house. What the heck am I suppose to do?!

She denies this as a big problem... And say's I should get over it... But as much as I try... I can't do it. I don't want to lose her... And have our kids split up.... All I am asking is for just once a month to make love to my wife!

Anyone with advice? I've search the i-net for possible medical problems and i've found something on hsd. (hypoactive sexual desire). Only treatable by certain doctors with impossible schedules. 7 month waiting list!

Someone please help us!

Replies(13)

TaraJay

replied on January 23rd, 2006

New User

I think you are in a position no man wants to be stuck in. I think u have doe the right thing by sticking by her, no male I know would have stayed loyal. As a girl I cnt rele say I understand where ur comin from but I can guess it is hard. I think u need to sit her down and explain to her u dnt jus want sex but u want to feel close to her again. Gettin the kids babysat for a night and doin the whole hot bath, rose petal thing might help and if it doesnt I think u should put her name on the waitin list. Its either she wants somethig new or the kids are wearing her out. My guess is the second one.Hope I was of some help..........

levar95

replied on January 23rd, 2006

New User

Thanks Tara

I am not the super romantic type......

Haven't thought about... Scheduling a surprise get-a-way. That could help... However, during our honeymoon in vegas.... We didn't even touch each other the whole time.

One week... Of what everyone says is the suppose to be the bes sexuality in your relationship.......... Was completely dry. The last few nights... I didn't even sleep in the same with her, because I was so upset....

Then she said I was one ruining the whole trip.... So I put my feelin aside for the sake of the whole thing.....

Therefore.... My hopes aren't high about scheduling a way... Could end up being more upset and wasting my money... But i'll do it and post a message back to the group.... I am sure there has to be other guys out there in the same position as myself.

Melissa_20

replied on January 23rd, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Levar

There are lots of women with your wifes problem.A lot of times after a women becomes preg and has the child she loses her sex drive.It sounds like your wife is pretty stubborn into thinking there is nothing wrong.They have viagra for women,you should check it out and maybe run it by her and see what happens.There also ,like tara said,just might need to be something to trigger it,like a change in pace during the day,flirting, warm bath together,walk on the beach.Do you guys do any foreplay when you do have sex?That may be a problem too.When you go to ben one night you should fool around a little,tell her you just want to play with her,not have sex.Eat her out and stuff,maybe that wil trigger something. : )

tasha82

replied on January 23rd, 2006

Experienced User

Levar, you sound like a great guy. I'm sorry you're having this problem. I'm not trying to play amateur psychologist, but I really think your wife's problem is deeper than just a low sex drive. Do you know if she may have been sexually abused in her past? Does she give you reasons why she doesn't want to have sex?

I strongly suggest marriage counseling for you and your wife. Maybe that will provide some answers, whether it's a problem in the relationship or your wife's own issues.

As for the internet porn, that's pretty normal. Most men do it, whether their wives know about it or not. I really hope things get better for you. Good luck!

TaraJay

replied on January 23rd, 2006

New User

That May B the Problem......

The fact that u arent the romantic type may have somethin to do wit it. I put something past my boyfriend the other day and his whole attitude turned around. I told him that he is too comfortable in our relationship that it seems like he doesnt feel he has to try ne more. ...........Maybe ur wife feels the same but cnt put it across to u. Im not sayin its u jus narrowing down the possibilities.

babychloe

replied on January 24th, 2006

New User

Reply to Levar

I am a woman who is a little like your wife. I do not have much of a sex drive. The reason is because I have major cervical pain and just wasn't telling my husband the truth when he would ask if anything was wrong. He finally got me to talk to him about it last night. I love my husband dearly and i'll do what I need to to find out the cause for this pain. Now I have been pushing this problem under the rug for 6 years. Every time he asks for sex I think..Okay just get though this and pretend you are having fun. That was just lying to him. As for you and your wife , I agree with the person who suggested sitting her down and talking. Just let her know that if she is having any kind of problem that you will assist her in finding a solution. Just prepare yourself for whatever she may have to say.

erogers33

replied on January 24th, 2006

Experienced User

Levar, trust me when I say this... Your wife's problem isn't your fault. Even the least romantic guy in the world is going to have sex with his wife more than 2x in 3 years. There is something psychologically wrong with her, and she may or may not know it. I mean.... You didn't even have sex on your honeymoon!!! I'm a woman and I know how upset I would be if my husband didn't want to be close to me on our honeymoon.

No matter how stubborn your wife may be, she needs to open up to you and tell you what's wrong. It's not fair to either of you. I would suggest initiating a conversation with her about your concerns. Most likely, her first reaction will be to get angry with you. But don't feed into her anger; let her vent and just be supportive of whatever she says to you. No matter what anyone says, sex is an important part of marriage. It keeps couples close and intimate, which is what marriage is centered around anyways.

What happens when you try to initiate sex with her?

You are a very loyal husband, and I admire that. You love your wife very much, otherwise you would have been unfaithful a long time ago. Not only are you sticking by her side, but you are being a very good sport about it.

Please keep us updated and let us know what happens! Best of luck.

levar95

replied on January 28th, 2006

New User

She Does Have Some Pains...

One poster .. Mention something.. That I did leave out.

She does experience pain during intercourse. It usually comes during insertion..... Then she's fine once we get going.

However, once she reaches orgasm... Its over.... And that happens in like 10mins..... So I don't even get to finish. She will start crying and shaking.

She's 28 and only had 2 paps in her life. Never been able to have one while awake. The doctor has to put her completely under to get one done.

dixiegirl

replied on January 28th, 2006

New User

A pap shouldnt be so painful that the doctor should have to put you to sleep to have one. Granted, it isnt the most pleasant thing in the world, but it is tolerable. If something is that painful for her, her doctor should be trying to figure out what is wrong with her.

Now, the pain with intercourse ........... If you dont have sex often, it will hurt during penetration. If shes done once she reaches orgasm, it could just be that she has had her "release" so to speak, and shes done.

You metioned in one of your posts that you guys didnt even have sex on your honeymoon. That right there leads me to believe that the problem with your wife may not be physical. I understand that some people, that were virgins when they married, may have that problem and be scared, but they get past it. It happened to one of my best friends, but she got over it .......... Quickly.

I think you need to have a good long talk with your wife. You should not have to suffer like this, nor should she. You guys are young ......... If there are no physical or emotional problems, you should have a sex life. I know life itself gets in the way, but this isnt normal to me.

karaokehstess33

replied on January 29th, 2006

New User

No Sex Life

I personally do not believe this to be a "you're not romantic enough" problem. I have a female disease which makes sex very painful for me. Have your wife talk to gyn about endometriosis.

Another idea which was previously mentioned is sexual abuse. The crying and shaking after sex sounds like it may be a psych problem. You said that penetration hurts and then she is fine. Sounds to me as if penetration hurting is because it doesn't happen enough for it not to hurt. Again, the crying and shaking sounds to me like there are much deeper issues. Try talking to your wife about talking to someone if she isn't confident in talking to you.

Bless you and stick by her.

Angie

levar95

replied on January 30th, 2006

New User

More Info...

One poster mention something about her being a virgin.... We've been together for 10 years before we got married. We have 3 kids ages 6 , 1, 1

when we first met in college back in '95.... We had a great sex life... But the odd thing was... When I was a stranger to her... We had sex more often... As time went on... It became less and less. The more I fell in love with her.. The less sex I got. I was a virgin before I met her.... So I didn't know what to do when started crying and shaking..... All I could think was... Just hold her and be there for her.....And she'll get thru it" .... 10 years later... She doesn't even let me hold her.

We've had talk after talk..... I can't get the message across that I am upset about this and it really starting to get to me. The conversation.. Usually ends as quickly as it starts.. With her saying.. "well just leave" or "stop being such a pervert".

I've paid for hyponosis once.... She tried it... But the person told her to listen to the cds everyday... That lasted about 3 days. I've bought her other things... And she refuses to try. She will not goto a psychologist.

Another i've noticed just this weekend... Is that we fight more often over very very very small and stupid things. Before, I use to just take it and be the one to just keep things calm... But now I find myself firing back at her.

She hasn't hit me in a while.....Which use to be frequently during fights... However, I don't always sleep near her anymore, so she doesn't have the chance to.

:(

Carifairy

replied on January 30th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

3 kids definately is enough to lose sex drive, which is why waiting a while into the marriage is a good thing..

Okay she definately needs to get a pap and a complete physical check-up, as well as a mental health visit. This sounds like something that could be either mental or physical.

erogers33

replied on January 30th, 2006

Experienced User

Something that really alarms me is the fact that she's only had 2 pap smears her whole life, and the doctor had to sedate her to perform them. Normally, paps are performed every 1-2 years, and while it is uncomfortable, there should be no pain great enough to be put under anesthesia. That leads me to believe there may be a physical problem causing her low sex drive. Also, you said she shakes and cries after having an orgasm. This could be either physical or emotional. Either way, your wife needs to seek some immediate attention.

From what you've said, your wife is very stubborn and has fought any previous attempts of treatment. I don't know how to fix this one, because your wife is the one who needs to admit she needs help.

On top of all this, I think some marriage counseling could really benefit the both of you. But once again, your wife will more than likely fight this idea.

Reading your posts, it really sounds like you are a stand-up guy; committed to making your marriage work, always standing by your wife's side, a good father. It's time your wife treated you with the same compassion.

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