Broken Hearted Forum - Neep Advice Accepting Girlfriends Past

Relationships > Broken Hearted Forum > Neep Advice Accepting Girlfriends Past

Q: Neep Advice Accepting Girlfriends Past

asked by: cochise on January 13th, 2006

New User

Hello all, as you can tell by my posts I am new to this board. I came across it while surfing trying to find some advice………….Anyways, I thought I would post here. I see there is a lot of posts here in regards to accepting a girlfriends past, but I am having difficulty doing it and wanted to give a rundown of my situation to see if anyone here has advice or comments……….So here it goes……

i am 36 years old, I was married quite young (20), I was basically happy throughout my marriage, until a few years back and we ended up separating. I have been single for about 4 years now and started dating a girl about 8 months ago. She is a fantastic girl, lots of fun to be around and our sex life is beyond amazing. But…………….

I always knew we were raised differently, I mean I am from a small town and have lived there most of my life, she is from a very big city and has only moved here 9 years ago. I knew from stories she has told me that she definitely lead a different lifestyle than I did, out clubbing every weekend and stuff like that. Anyways we had the inevitable past relationship talk. She is 40 years old and has never had a real serious relationship, always out partying with friends when she was in her mid to late 20’s. She used to be in the whole club scene and for a year or so got into doing ecstasy among other things, practically every other weekend.

Anyways she finally told me that she had slept with 20-25 guys maximum (which I do believe her when she tells me). The number I can kind of deal with, but my problem is the fact that most were within a 2 year period or so and all mostly one night (or one weekend) stands with guys she met while out with friends. She ended up in a semi-serious relationship when she was about 29 and became pregnant. After she had her baby, 9 years ago, she completely changed her life and just lives for her daughter and is a fantastic mother. Since her daughter was born she pretty much gave up dating and has not done any type of drugs for over 10 years now. Over the past 10 years she has only dated 3 other guys before me, two were just blind date set ups which didn’t work out and she never slept with them, and one which she did start to see and slept with. That relationship was off and on for about a year or so and ended about 3 months before she met me.

I know her past shouldn’t bother me, but it is driving me insane. She is almost 40 and has been with 20-25 guys in her life. I have been only the second guy she has slept with within the past 10 years, but yet her past is always on my mind. Whenever we are out and I have had a few drinks I start thinking about what she might be doing if I wasn’t there , “would she try to pick up that guy”, “would she go home with that guy?”, “she is starring at that guy”, all this stupid stuff.

I have talked to her about it and she knows it bother me a lot, but she just keeps telling me “it was just sex, I have never felt what I feel now with you”.

Am I nuts, should I just accept it and move on? I am not naïve, I am not looking for or expecting to meet a virgin or anything at my age, I would fully expect that at 39 she would have been with 10, 15, or even 20 guys. But what bothers me is the fact that 80% of the guys she slept with were one night (or one weekend) stands all within a 2 year period…………….I keep thinking while she was out having not even thinking about the future I was married, went to school, got a good job. Now I am the one taking care of a girl that some guys look at as a club slvt………..

I should point out, that including her I have slept with 6 women. But remember that I was married when I was 20 and with one woman for over 13 years in total.

She is a great girl and I don’t want to lose her, but I know if I don’t come to grips with this and get over it I will lose her.

Replies(18)

erogers33

replied on January 13th, 2006

Experienced User

I can understand that getting over the past is a hard thing to do, but it needs to be done. Not just for this relationship, but any future relationships that may occur.

Yes, she had a few "wild" years, but most people would say that everyone needs to be (or has been) a little "wild" at some point in their lives. She experimented with drugs and sex, and in the end where is she? She's with you. She has a daughter whom she loves. If she really enjoyed her previous lifestyle so much, she wouldn't have changed it. Everyone has something in their past that they regret.

Just think, if you weren't married at a young age (and for 13 years), what would you have experienced? Possibly the same as your girlfriend. While you already knew what you wanted from life, some people aren't as lucky. It isn't uncommon for men and women in their 20's to run amuck for a few years, figuring out what and who they want in their lives.

Sooner or later, you will need to accept the things she has done. It's been over a decade since any of this happened, so it's unfair to her for you to hold on to it so much. What's done is done, as much as all of us would like to change something about our past. I'm sure she feels guilty about it, and it doesn't help that you can't allow her completely in your life because of it. I'm not trying to be rude or mean, but everyone makes mistakes. She is a changed and improved woman. Love her for who she is now, not who she was 10 years ago.

angelbaby76

replied on January 13th, 2006

New User

would you feel better if she had slept with that many men in say 10 years instead of just 2??? Put yourself in her place what if you had slept with 20 people in 2 years??? Why is it ok for guys to sleep with as many people as possible but women can only sleep with thier husbands.Apparently she isnt out clubbin anymore and when she does go out its with you.Look at it this way when ya'll are out reguardless of who she "might go home with she is going home with you..

gemski

replied on January 14th, 2006

New User

Honestly whats in the past is in the past. I'm sure she would never have told you if she didn't feel completly open with you. And i'm sure she wouldn't have told you if she knew it would bother you. I think you should respect her for telling you and be thankful to have her. Just don't dwell on the past think of the future.

rturne

replied on January 21st, 2006

New User

The good thing is that she's talking and open with you about what she's done. If she was hiding things or keeping secrets, then you might have had something to worry about. Everyone has something in there past that they are not proud of...Everyone. She sounds like a good person and you should be proud of her for changing her life for the better.

lsipes

replied on January 22nd, 2006

Experienced User

You keep calling her a "great girl". She is not a girl. She is a 40 year old adult woman.

Get over it. It matters not if she slept with 20 people in 2 years, 30 people in 10 years, or any such nonsense. She's with you now. You love her. She loves you. *it's her past that made her who she is today.*

TommyB82

replied on December 19th, 2007

New User

Getting Over a Girlfriends Past!!!

Hi,

Need a bit of advice. I'm 25 and have just come out of a 5 year relationship. It was a long distance relationship but it worked. Since we broke I realise that it was a good thing as it probably went on for too long but we have been able to remain friends. She wasn’t the right person for me.

Since then, I have met someone else. To start off with, this person is 34 and has two kids. I have known this person for just over two years (work together) and when we first met, I told her that I liked her but was told by her that nothing could happen, so nothing did. This person obviously has a past, especially compared to mine. She's been married twice, both her kids are from the second marriage, I was friends with her ex husband before I met her, and we all work in the same company, in the SAME dept. (Talk about keeping it in the family) BUT.... there isn't a problem with this situation. We all seem to get on well.

I also understand that she has slept with allot more people than me, as she had a few crazy years after she split with her ex and that she is older. That I can accept (not that I have ever asked for a number) but my issues is this...
For the past few years I have also been good friends with another person (aged 34 also) at work but have recently found out that they slept together, a one night stand, not long before we started seeing each other. This is someone that I have been on holiday with, played football, etc. I also know the night that they did it, as I was out the same night but went home early because I had work the following day. A while after, he even mentioned to me that he thought that I liked her, and that she was "open minded" (not helping). I seem to imagine all the details and it just makes my blood boil!! I even know little things like she took him back to her place, in the bed where I now sleep most nights, that he didn't wear a condom, etc. We no longer talk, as often I feel sick just being in his presence but I do know that they still continue to talk, which doesn't help.

I know she has a past, with the majority of it connected to the place we both work (as she has been there for 14 years) and I can deal with everything else (mostly by ignoring it) but this I can't.
I have liked this person from a distance and now that we are together I find that we have a great time, and also we seem to be able to read each other minds, which I have never had before. I do think the world of her and she says that she loves me and I do believe her, but I am struggling!!!

Any thoughts??

entices1

replied on January 9th, 2008

Supporter

Re: Getting Over a Girlfriends Past!!!

It sounds like there's a major amount of communicating that needs to go on between you and her. I know it's not easy to work with someone who had a fling with someone you like but it takes two. Would it have mattered had your officemate had a fling with someone else instead?

You have absolutely no control over what happened between the two of them so why do you torment yourself about this? It sounds like the relationship between you and her is casual at best. If she and this other bloke are friends you have no right to break up that friendship (how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?).

I suggest that you take a breather for awhile until you can sort this out. I get the feeling that there's something you're insecure about but I'm not certain what it is. If you like someone you have to accept (not necessarily *like*) who and what they are, bad as well as good.

Does this help at all?

Good luck and keep posting.

Jude-Love

replied on January 9th, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

What you are feeling is so normal! Especially since your number is low compared to hers. There is nothing wrong with this. You need to ask yourself a few questions.

Do you love her, really love her?
Do you think you could ever marry her?
things like that.

She has been with a lot of men, but it also does seem to me that she just went through a stage...and she took responsibility when she got pregnant and, as you said, is a good mother.

You have to put this out of your head. Every time it pops up, just stomp it out. I think everything is going to be fine and you guys will get past this.

TommyB82

replied on January 16th, 2008

New User

Thanks Jude-Love for the encouraging words! Sine I last posted, I am seeing her more and more, we seem to live in each others pockets and unlike any previous relationship where I often thought of doing stuff without them or thinking of a time when I would move away/ do something completely different without them, that has never been the case with this new girlfriend. BUT, even though it has got better, I still seem to have lapses where I find myself having major issues about her past. I do love being with her, find her funny, enjoy spending our time together and really get on well with her kids! I think it may just be a matter of perseverance.

In response to entices1, this relationship has been anything but casual, but possibly I did rush into it too quickly. I understand that I have no control over her past but that doesn't stop it hurting. About being insecure, in some ways I am, but this more down to the lack of experience compared to my partner, not that this should matter, but I'm guessing that this is where it stems from. I totally agree with you that I may not like her past, but nevertheless, I must accept it for this relationship to work. Any tips?

As jude-love said, I need to stomp these thoughts out. Any ideas on the best ways to do this?

Thanks guys, your being a great help. I really needed to talk to someone about this who would have an open mind.

entices1

replied on January 17th, 2008

Supporter

Moving On

How to accept someone's past? Do you talk to her about it? There might be something in what she says that could help. Do you have a trusted friend who might be able to provide you some guidance? The fallback position is to think of something else the minute the thought enters your mind. Maybe think about a positive quality she has. This is something you have to work through, otherwise there's no point in going on. I know it's not easy (I have a tendency to brood on things) but it's something you must get past. Consider it a bad habit, something you have to break.

As far as lack of experience goes, please don't put pressure on yourself and don't let her pressure you. If this is meant to be it will move along at the right pace (sometimes slow and sometimes fast). You obviously have many good traits--it's always good to focus on those.

I don't know if this will help--try not to focus on the bad.

Good luck and do keep posting.

Jude-Love

replied on January 17th, 2008

Active User, very eHealthy

I would just absolutely start thinking about something else. That is what I do when something bothersome pops into my head. I stop and say, "No, you're NOT doing this".

Love is about acceptance. When you love someone, you accept who they are and her past is part of who she is, not all she is.

TommyB82

replied on January 24th, 2008

New User

OK, a quick question. Leading on from my previous posts, do you think I should make an effort to stay/re-become friends with the guy that I have spoken about, which is where I have some issues? Or is it best to try and stay clear?

Thanks,

Marianne0558

replied on January 24th, 2008

Supporter

Hi.
I read your post and felt it necessary to give my opinion on the matter.
She is 40 years old, right? 25 men may seem like a lot (to each his own), but if you look at the trend today, many people have been around the block a time or two. That's not an insanely large number, especially seeing what kind of lifestyle she led.
Kudos to her for changing her life around and becoming a great mother. That takes a lot of courage and strength.
What I always say, is the past is in the past. You cannot change what has happened, only what you will do in the future.
Good luck with your relationship!

Blue Tink

replied on January 24th, 2008

New User

Losing a good woman

You are saying she is a good woman and only lives for her daughter, That should be enough to show you that her past is past. You are being rewarded by all her experience. Please don't dwell on her past cause it hurts both people. She has growen up and moved on. Notice what she DOES DO not what she DID! Good Luck and don't lose a good woman.

B_R_A_D_Y_

replied on October 8th, 2009

New User

You probably think I'm just some immature guy who doesn't know anything, which is probably true, I'm only 17. I've had a girlfriend for two years now, and mate, I can tell you you're definitely not nuts. My girlfriend is the same age as me, and because I'm only young I've saved my everything for that 'someone special', but unfortunately my girlfriend has lost everything special in drunken hookups. She has sent pictures of herself to god knows how many guys, and they are probably still out there. I wish we could explore those things together but what will be special for me will not mean as much to her. I know I should get over it, but it hurts me everyday and I can't stop imagining what she used to be.

Unfortunately, I live in a small town, therefore I see her past hookups on a daily basis. Instead of getting better, it seems to be getting worse and I don't know what to do. I feel your pain, probably to a much lesser extent, and the relationship is probably much less serious, but I feel it.

I know everybody tells you that you need to accept it, but I know I can't, it's a dead-end every time I try.

B_R_A_D_Y_

replied on October 8th, 2009

New User

By the way, I know that it is frustrating when people to tell you to just 'get over it', because i know that it is definitely not that simple. I haven't found a solution, but I really hope you do

keriwak

replied on October 8th, 2009

New User

I understand where your coming from,but she was wild,we are human are we not suppose to have sex? That was her life she did not know you,now your in her life,and before you were she already changed,be there for her

J3nnyuk

replied on October 8th, 2009

Moderator

I agree with keriwak....be her support not her enemy what is in the past should stay there you have a future now..jenny

Learn About Us

Get Help

Join In

Do More

We comply with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health
information:
verify here.

The site is not a replacement for professional medical opinion, examination, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your medical doctor or other qualified health professional before starting any new treatment or making any changes to existing treatment. Do not delay seeking or disregard medical advice based on information written by any author on this site. No health questions and information on eHealth Forum is regulated or evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and therefore the information should not be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease without the supervision of a medical doctor. Posts made to these forums express the views and opinions of the author, and not the administrators, moderators, or editorial staff and hence eHealth Forum and its principals will accept no liabilities or responsibilities for the statements made. Schizophrenia health sitemap.
This page was last updated on January 1, 2009.
© 2008 eForums, Inc