Medical Questions > Relationships > Dating Forum

Too Committed Too Young?

is it mandatory that you date around before committing to one person?
yes
no
7%  7%  [ 1 ]
92%  92%  [ 12 ]
Total Votes : 13
My boyfriend and I are very happy together. We're 19, been together 3 years, and we know we want to be married after we graduate from college. My parents like him, but want me to date other people. They think I need the experience to truly know what I want. They think i'm too young to be so committed to one person, and that I need to be single for a while, going on dates with other guys.

My boyfriend and I know that we run the risk of not developing our own identities since we got together so young. That's why I embrace things like him deciding to transfer to another college 6 hours away, so he can go to a better school for his major and gain more independence, his first apartment, his own identity... And it's why he's happy for me that i'm studying abroad in europe next semester, completely on my own, to experience life over there and develop my own identity... We know we run the risk of growing apart but the chance is worth taking... Because we'd be so much better for each other in the end having done these things.

It's hard to make my parents see that we do understand the work you have to do to balance forging your own identity amongst keeping a relationship together. They really think I should date other guys, and it's starting to put doubts in my head that weren't there before. A lot of my older relatives also side with my parents, that I need to see all the other fish in the sea, that i'm too young to know what I want! My take is, why ruin a good thing, trying to find something I can't put a name to, when I had the best guy for me already? Are they right though? Taken into consideration everything we are doing to be independent people - is it still mandatory to 'date around' before committing to one person? Or can't you just know someone's the one, without having to browse all the other aisles in the store?


Looking for advice from those who've been there! Thanks in advance!
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replied January 9th, 2006
Experienced User
I think it's perfectly fine to be so committed to each other at your ages.

The only thing I would suggest, if it ever happens is.. If either of you have the thought of "what if" you would've been with other people and wondering what it would be like to be with other people out of curiousity.. Then I say to take a break for just a little bit before you decide to get married. Maybe like 6 months or so. No one should go into a marriage wondering what it would've been like to be with even one other person. Because you both are all you have ever known.

Just make sure you two keep communicating and are open with each other. Things always work out in the end. Good luck!
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replied January 9th, 2006
From reading your post I can see that you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. You talk as if you have a lot of sense about the situation. You have considered the pros and cons of the situation and I think that is wonderful. However, I have to side with your parents on this one. I will explain why I came to this decision. First of all even though you are very smart you are still very young. You have no way of knowing how you will feel years down the road because your too young to have experienced anything like this before. When I was your age I was totally "in love" with my then boyfriend. I thought he was the world and I couldn't live without him. My parents told me time and time again that I was too young to make those "adult" decisions. They encouraged me to break it off w/ my guy and date other people just to see what all was out there. Of course, I wasn't having that. I felt that I had who I wanted and I didn't want anyone else. Yada, yada, yada...... To sum up a very long story I felt the same way you are feeling, except I didn't have the good head on my shoulders like you have. I didn't think of all the pros and cons. All I thought about it what I knew right then and there. Needless to say my guy and I broke up. I explored my options. I dated other guys, etc., etc., etc. I have sense found my real true love. We just recently got married. I think to myself all the time "what if I had not listened to my parents?" "what if I had stayed with this other guy?" my life would be horrible. I wouldn't have exprienced all the wonderful things that I experienced in life. I got to be a teenager. I got to do everything and anything I wanted because I wasn't tied down to that one person. I was able to date other people and decide for myself what type of man I wanted to marry one day. I wouldn't have been able to do that if I had stayed with the first guy I had fell in love with, because I didn't know any different. I was able to weed out all the bad until I found the perfect man. Now I couldn't be happier with my life. If I had made one wrong decision (by staying w/ the other guy) I wouldn't have any of the things that I have now. I wouldn't be the happy person that I am now. I wouldn't be who I am today. There's no way you can make a decision like this if you have no options. Your parents are only telling you these things because they know what they are talking about. They want you to live your life to the fullest and experience everything that life has to offer you. They don't want to see you settle down and just settle for what you got now. You deserve way more than that. I think you know that too. I think you know in your heart the truth to all of this. If you want to talk or ask my any questions, please feel free to do so. I will be glad to help you in any way that I possibly can. Good luck to you!
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replied January 9th, 2006
Extremely eHealthy
Good for you!!!


Dont listen to other ppl just do what you think is right, I met my hubby and we got together on my 18th bday cause of our age difference of 8 years in may it will be 3 years we have been married and 4 yrs/1 month we have been together. Im 22 now and I love it being with the same person although we have our days he is the only man I could ever be with, I still go out and party but he was the one who helped me find my identity. I know what you mean you need to know if their is a higher calling to you somewhere else but if your love is strong enough it will last.

After 6 months of dating he joined the military so he could get his nursing and was away alot and I barely saw him but we talked on the phone every night to 3 nights a week and we made it work. I found out after that he wanted a family and the reason he joined was so that we could be stable finicially and start a family, I also got good news got a good paying job and found out I was pregnant and things started to fall into place nicely. I wont lie somedays are really really tough but I dont believe in divorce and we are working things out and learning something new everyday, I am only mentioning this because a commited relationship is basically a marriage without papers. His family didnt want us together for the same reason yours did but we did it and were still alive and I get along alot better with his family for toughing it out. Prove everyone wrong, its the best feeling in the world when you know you could do something and you grabbed the world by the balls.

If you ever need an ear send me a message
jess
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replied January 9th, 2006
Thank You
Thanks for everyone's replies.

Jaleigh, i've read some of your other posts in the abusive relationships section. Is the guy you're referring to the one who abused you? In that case i'd have to say absolutely I agree with you! But the reason this is such a sticky situation for me is because my boyfriend sounds more like the guy you have now. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me, and I love everything about him. We're best friends... We have an amazing connection. When we first started dating, we didn't know each other that well at all - but communication was so easy - it was like we'd known each other our whole lives. He's respectful, affectionate, helpful, loving, and a genuinely 'nice guy.' he wouldn't dream of hurting me or any woman, physically or verbally, and he's head over heels in love with me, as I am with him. We have a common history and background and relate to each other on so many levels. Being with him just feels right.

Before I began dating him (we started dating each other three months before turning 17 - our birthdays are three days apart) I did date around a lot. None of them could even come close to the kind of relationship I had with my boyfriend now, but I did get some dating experience. Of course, this was high school, where the pool of guys to choose from is (i'm assuming) a little different from the pool now. My boyfriend, on the other hand, didn't really date anyone before me, even though he had opportunities to (mutual crushes, etc.) - he says because he had the foresight to know that relationships with any of those other girls wouldn't have worked out or been worth the effort, and he was waiting to date the right person, which he found out was me.

Ironically, he doesn't seem to be the one having doubts about whether we should have dated around or not. We discussed it almost a year ago, and he said that not having the experience of dating other girls doesn't really bother him. If he ever did have regrets about that, I guess he successfully squashed them, knowing that sometimes there are certain sacrifices you make to be with the one you love. He has always been the more stable one (it takes a long time to change his mind about things, and he can be quite stubborn about it, whereas I change my mind all the time, and i'm much more indecisive, and I never seem to know what I want!). If I told my boyfriend I wanted a break to date other people, he would not be happy about it at all, even if, hypothetically, it would be good for us. Does any of this background information shed any light on the situation? Does everyone generally still feel the same?

The only reason i'm really having these doubts right now is because of my parents. They've made me wonder "what it would be like." once you have this curiosity, must you act on it? Or can you get rid of it with love and faith in your partner, and a whole lot of determination?

I love him so much, and i'm worried that if we did date other people, it could destroy the relationship we already had. Particularly if he doesn't see the need for it even after all is said and done, and resents me for it. I love him so much and if I decide to date others for the sake of the experience of it, and it ruined my relationship, I don't think I could ever say it was "worth it." is dating experience really absolutely necessary in every case???
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replied January 9th, 2006
I think it is great you've had a relationship so long and I feel that the space you both will have will be good for gaining ur own independence and personality. Definately don't listen to others..As some would say misery likes company..Not saying that directly about ur family but you may not find anyone else like who you have now and if u mess it up by dating others then u may not get what u had back either. If you are happy with him then stay and continue to grow but..If u have any thoughts that u may later look down the line and wish u would have dated other people I advise you go ahead and date other people now because wishing you had dated other ppl will soon turn into lusting and from there it may turn to cheating but follow ur heart as well as ur mind =) cya
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replied January 10th, 2006
Experienced User
This is only my opnion, so hopefully it doesn't offend anyone! First of all, why would you break up with someone you love & care about so muchto 'date other guys'?!? If you love him then stay with him! What if you date those other guys and none of them turn out to be your true love?? Um, and the other guy was? Then your screwed, you won't have any guys! I'm not trying to be mean, but you're 19, that's not to young to be committed to one person. Yeah, you should have your own identity, everyone should..But why break up with your bf for it?? Ppl find their true love before 19, heck i'm 16 & i've already found mine! I don't listen to anyones remarks about me being to young, because i've been with a lot of different guys & I figured out what I wanted in a future husband at a younger age then some people. I don't believe in waiting until your 30sum to get married because you miss out on a lot of stuff younger couple do. Why wait that long to get married when you're with someone you love now & can marry him when you get out of college.? Do what you want to do sweetie, love him stay with him or break up with him. A lot of people are just soo scared of committment these days that they run & hide from their real true love. In the end, don't listen to what others tell you, make yourself happy!
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replied January 15th, 2006
Actually, I wasn't referring to the same boyfriend that was abusive. I try not to even consider him as part of my past. I do understand what you're saying and I think you understand what i'm saying. I'm not saying that it won't work, because of course I have no way of knowing that. But, I can say that typically it does not work out in the long run. The fact that you are having any doubts at all says a lot. Not that you don't love him with all of your heart, because I think that you do. However, if it was 100% then you would not even be discussing this at all, because you would just know. I've seen so many of my friends in your same situation and everyone of them regret the decisions that they made. All say they wish they had waited it out a little longer. If it's meant to be then it will be. You won't have to force it. But if it's not meant to be then it could ruin your whole life in a sense. All i'm saying is don't rush into anything. Take it slow and see what happens. There's no reason why you need to rush into anything perminent right now. I hope this helps. Good luck to you!
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replied April 12th, 2009
age difference
im a couple of yrs older than he is and bottom point is that his family thinks i should let him go and let him date around and meet other girls, see what other fish are out there in the sea, see what other girls have to offer but we are so happy and we dont want to our relationship is perfect
but what do i do i dont want to be selfish and keep him but i cant live without him and he neither of us want to break up for some time what should i do?
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replied August 12th, 2009
Doubts
Mdpl236-

I understand completely where you're coming from. I am right there with you... I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and I'm now 21 and apparently not making the right decision according to half my family. I know how it feels when your family says things like "you should date other people" and it causes some doubt and anxiety. It's awful and I don't think its your or mines fault that they accomplished what they meant to do - instill doubt about our relationships. What angers me most is that they then say "if you were so sure about your relationship, what we say wouldn't bother you so much!" Please! Most of family opinions affect me (good or bad) because if they didn't, whose would? Thank God my parents are on my side but still I am so sick of people in my family saying I need to date other guys now and ask my bf if we can openly date other people... Which would break his heart. The thing is, I think I am only have slight doubts because its a very scary thing to blindly put all your heart and faith into a man that you want to love the rest of your life.. and the rest of your life is such a long time! In the end, just do what feels right in your head and heart...You are responsible for your own happiness, not your family or my family. In the end, just make yourself happy and screw everyone else for installing fear and doubt when you have an amazing chance at happiness with a wonderful man! Good luck and hope to hear how things turn out in a few years =)
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