Medical Questions > Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum

This Sucks...

I stumbled upon this forum, trying to find answers to my problem. Here is my issue in a nut shell, granted my wife may give you a different side, but that is the beauty of a story, there is always 2 sides. My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Anyways, I am recently discharged from the military after 6 years of service. I saw many relationships fall apart in that time, but my wife and I passed with flying colors, we communicated and expressed ourselves, without any problems, and there was never any lack of trust. So when my time was up we were both very excited to have me home for good. We had bought our first home back close to our families. Well I thought things were going well, then a 10 days ago, she tells me something is missing, that there has to be more out there, she says she doesn't love, or doesn't love me the way she should. It was all very shocking and heartbreaking. In this time frame, she has gone out exceptionally late with friends from work drinking. Which is not like her at all. One of the nights she got back at 5 am. She insists that there is nothing going on. And I believe her. She just says that she has been responsible her entire life and now she wants to have a little fun. We did get married young, she was 19 and I was 21, but we got to see alot in our time in the military. I don't mind her enjoying life, I just wish she would involve me or at least tell me what is going on. We used to talk about everything, she was my best friend, now..There is a gap. She is almost distached from the whole situation. I want to fight for this marriage, I want to go to counseling, do what it takes. But she does not really seem into it, she said she would go for me or our daughter. I guess as long as she goes...Right? I start a new job in a week, that will involve some initial travel out of state for training, over the next 6 weeks. We both agreed the space will be good. Well she agreed. I have never dealt with this, no one in my entire family has ever been divorced. I never thought I would deal with this. She is everything to me as is my daughter. Any advice on how to go about this situation would be great?
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replied January 8th, 2006
It Sure Does Suck
Wow, your story sounds just like mine. The gowing out till all hours, drinking, and she says she does'nt love me the way a wife should. She is also lying alot, all of these things are totally out of character, she is a good person. We have only been married just over 5 months, we have lived together foe the last 4 1/2 years. As to how to handle it, I have no idea. Its extremly difficult to deal with, especially if you have kids, house, cars, plans, etc. All I can say is to take one day at a time and know that one day you will feel better. As far as our wifes, I quess theres nothing we can do except see what happens. My wife has already told me she wants a divorce 6 days ago and has sort of moved out. My problem is I am hoping she is confused and just emotionally messed up and will want to save our marriage. We have an appoitment with a councilor in four days. She said she would go for me, but doesn't seem very interested. I know she has sort of found someone else, she says nothing is going on and he is just a friend, someone to talk to and listen, she admits she has some sort of feelings for this guy. This almost makes me physically sick to think about. Hopefully we will get through this, as hard ( for lack of a better word) this thing is.
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replied January 11th, 2006
Make an appt. At a counslor...............Tell her you would like her to be there, but it is for you..........But both of you might be able to benefit. Next I suggest it is a female so that perhaps she does not feel "gained up on" if the counselor tells her her late nights are inappropriate.

Hope/pray that the issue will be drawn out and resolved.

My advice..........For what it is worth.

It will take more than one session, but working on a marriage is easier than divorcing............Trust me on that.
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replied January 11th, 2006
This Sucks
Go to the counselor, but the marriage is dead. It can only work if both parties want it to and she clearly does not. Still, the counselor can help
you deal with the guilt and pain. My guess is this has been going on for
some time. Expect to hear stuff like, "i have to find myself" and "i love you, I am just not 'in love' with you". My first wife and I had an open marriage. I just didn't know it at the time. She ran off with my best friend, I just never met him.

Keep the faith. Get out, get yourself healed emotionally, don't even consider getting married for at least a year. Then find a good women and make yourself a good life. There are some really fine slightly used women, some are a little bruised, but their hearts are in working order. My current wife's first husband was such a jerk, I can look like a hero but just getting up and going to work in the mornings. After finding my wife, I realize my first wife leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me.
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replied January 13th, 2006
Experienced User
Sorry Man.
This is sad indeed. I feel for you. Like others have opined, it is good 2 get counsel. Let yr wife know too.

Perhaps she needs to recall d good times, don't you think so?

Have you prayed about this? You could also seek christian counsel. It is worth it for d marriage, yr wife and yr daughter; even for you.

All the best man.

Sam
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replied January 13th, 2006
a Woman's Perspective
My situation is similar. Only I am the wife that had those feelings that your wife has now. I married my first husband when I was 16 and off we went to be the happy couple in the military. He was in the infintry. While we were away we saw a lot and learned a lot but we were not home. When his duty was up we came back to were we grew up and every thing changed. When you are a military wife you worry for your husbands safety all the time. This makes you drawn to him. Furthermore military bases have almost a pleasantville kind of feel to them don't they? I mean you are conditioned with all the meetings and clubs and support groups. Your own special grocery store. In the military there are many young married families. But at home your old friends are partying, they have careers, are independent, and suddenly as a young wife she may be feeling resentful. As a military wife I felt like an extension of my husband. When I seperated from him I felt alive and invigorated and every one noticed the change. My advice to you is to as a husband help her explore that side of herself. Understand it and become a part of it. I would worry about all the going out she does. I don't know her but if she feels any thing like I did she feels reborn and she may feel sexy when men notice this new side of her.
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