I fear happiness? I am deeply depressed,
but I have been for my entire life.
Depression isn't just my affliction, it is
my defining characteristic. I am afraid
to take anti-depressants because if I
suddenly become "happy" then I would be a
different person. What if it changed my
thoughts and my perceptions, and altered
my entire outlook on life? Maybe that is
a good thing based on society's ideals,
but is it really a good thing for me? By
nature I am a pessimist and a born cynic,
but if I took some kind of medication,
would I lose who I am? And even worse,
what if I find that I like the new me?
That would be bad because I know it isn't
the real me. Then suddenly the meds would
lose there touch and I would return to my
natural state and hate myself more than I
originally did! My point is, do I really
want to become someone I am not!? I
apologize if any or all of this seems
crazy, I am just a very confused
individual. If this were someone else
writing this and I were to give them
advice it would go something like
this...
I know how you feel and I understand where
you are coming from, but I don't think it
seems fair to you that you will never get
to experience the beauty in people, places
and things that those who are not
depressed take for granted. You deserve
to feel good just like anyone else, so
don't deny youself happiness just because
you think it will change who you are,
because it will not. It will just make
the original you better.
That would be the advice I would give to
someone in my situation, and I know there
is other advice to help that person out,
but for some reason I just don't seem to
take my own advice, or the advice of
others for that matter. So again, as I
said in my previous post, all this I am
writing is just a waste of time. I would
be touched if someone actually tried to
help me with positive feedback, or even
criticize me with negative feedback, but
the truth is that most likely I will not
take your words to heart. So you may
think 'why does he write all this if he
doesn't even want help?' well the fact is
that just writing down my problems and
fears and emotions temporarily release me
from myself, in that I will not think
about these things as much. At least not
for a while.
Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings.
Bye.
|
mike9856746
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 May 2004 Posts: 67 Location: ,
Posted: 03-15-06 01:04am
Hello who_am_i. I've dealt with
depression too and been where you are as
well. I didn't want to get on
anti-depressants, talk to a therapist, i'd
even adamently deny I was depressed so
people wouldn't try to help me. Then
recently something dawned on me.
The past 4 years i've been in a lot of
chronic pain, and some days (rare as they
may be) I actually manage to be relatively
pain-free. Yet despite how miserable it
makes me, how badly I wanted it to go
away, I found I actually missed it once it
was gone.
The reason I bring that up is because I
realized that it has nothing to do with
pain, or depression, or anything in
particular. When you've been in a state
of being, negative or possitive, for a
long time it becomes the norm and your
brain adjusts to it. And if there's one
thing the brain fights, it's change. Even
in a state of misery, a constant condition
becomes a mental comfort zone. Just keep
that in mind.
