If I were you, I would *work* towards leaving. Assemble a plan of action.

You have to ask yourself these questions:

do my kids deserve better?

Do I deserve better?

In my opinion, you're being selfish by blindly catering to someone who not only has no interest in helping himself but who also is comprising the quality of life of everyone around him.

It's a toxic relationship. You say that you've formed a family but don't want to be the reason the family is broken.

If you break up a toxic family or toxic relationship, isn't that a good thing? Then and only then do you have any chance for a healthy family.

Improve your life for you and your kids. Your kids have to be #1. They are priority; there's a part of you in each of them. However, it sounds as if this guy is #1 instead. Why? Because of who he might become? You can't continue in an abusive relationship based on what might happen or might change.

You, yourself, need to make the change for the better, since no one else will. Be the adult; be the leader. Stand up for yourself and your children.

Jeff

I am in a similar boat. My first husband passed away when I was 29 and we had 3 small children at the time. They were 2, 3 and 4. I remarried 2 years after. Gained a stepdaughter that was 1 1/2 years older than my first born. It seemed like the perfect little family. 2 boys, 2 girls..Until his daughter came to live with us when she was 14. It was the most horrible year. I sent her home after the school year. I also discovered a lot about my husband. It's been almost 10 years since then and we are still together but we are hanging by a thread.

For about 4 years he acts like he lives alone in the house with us. He doesn't tell anybody when he goes anywhere. I know that he's not cheating on me. It's not like that. He just doesn't communicate. If I talk to him about stuff he gets a little defensive. He's not a fighting man but he is not happy and I am not happy. In some ways I am holding out to test him. To see if he will *figure* it out. I am the one that decides everything. When he talks, he hints. He doesn't really talk completely. It's usually about the weather and nothing we talk about is very deep. He is also a one upper.

Lately I have been calling him at his one upping. He likes to fabricate a story, so I will keep questioning him and it ends up where he just says....Well, yea, something like that. That sounds mean and I don't do it in a mean way though. I am waiting to gather all my information and see if there isn't something wrong with him. His mom died of dementia at a really young age of 62. She showed signs of behavior and personality changes in her mid 50's. He is 52. I would hate to leave to find out that it really wasn't him, if you know what I mean.

There are odd comments he makes when I ask him a question. There was one question regarding some spots on the entryway rug. I casually asked him if he knew what they were as I tried to get them out. His response was so off the wall.... He said it was from the fire trucks that went by. I looked at him as I was stunned and confused and said.....*fire trucks?* he seriously said.....*yea, didn't you just hear them go by?* I did but it was 2 streets over and really.....What would the fire trucks have to do with spots on my rug? I was totally sorting out it my head that I just walked away and didn't ask anymore questions. I have taken tests on websites and have done a little research on websites about demenia and alzheimers. He had 5 out of 10 on the list.

Any body else have stories about behavior changes due to dementia and alzheimers with people younger than the norm?


We'll see. Like I said I would hate to leave him if that was the case.
Meanwhile I have been changing my job situation and preparing to see if I can financially move on.

I feel for you as it is not an easy decision to make. Almost 9 years ago I made the difficult decision to leave my marriage with 3 small children (3, 5, & 6). I had no job, no car, no money but simply knew I could no longer live in a marriage defined by his drinking (he is an alcoholic) and his sense of being a victim.

I spent almost 5 years in poverty but never regreted the decision. When I look at him now I am thankful that I had the courage to leave and re-build my life. The choices may not be easy ones but you do have choices. I would recommend you attend a co-dependents anonymous if there is one in your area and follow a 12 step program - coda and al-anon literally kept me sane for the first 5 years. Then surround yourself with family/friends who are supportive of you...You will need all the support you can get. Get into counselling if you can so that you can figure out why you are so dependent in relationships....It took me many years to figure that one out! If you make the choice to leave, focus on your kids and moving your life forward. I would recommend that you put dating onhold until you have a better sense of what went wrong in your relationship, until you are less vulnerable and until your children are feeling more secure/stable (at least 2 years if possible)

having spent 8 years in counselling, I met a wonderful man 8 months ago and we are planning to marry in aug.06 (9 years after I left my marriage). My kids are well adjusted and I am not facing the type of behaviour problems that often go with single motherhood...I attribute that largely to focusing all my attention on their needs for the first 5 years. No one ever said it would be easy, but looking back I am grateful that I took a leap of faith and left my marriage.

Good luck!

Lynn

pray! I'm not sure of your situation but the best thing I can tell you to do is pray! If you are not a religious person, i'm not trying to push my religion on you... I'm just giving my opinion. Ask .God to fix your relationship. In the bible, the .Lord speaks against divorce. If you do pray and all else fails, then pray and ask .God to show you a way out. Remember to keep your childrens best intersts in mind! You will be in my prayers. I hope that everything works out for you!


God bless and good luck,
teresa

I feel your pain. My ex husband was severely emotionally and verbally abusive, and physically abusive. I have always been a very independant person and somehow he was able to get to me (some say he brainwashed me) and made me believe that I needed him to survive. I wasn't allowed to work, so I had no money. We have a son together (after miscarrying one pregnancy), and I felt that it was my "duty" to try and stick it out. Basically when he threatened to stab me and cut me off financially is when I called it quits.
It's hard, but in some cases, there is no other way. Life is too short to spend it with someone you're not meant to be with and will never be happy with.
You say that you don't want to put your child through a breakup. Yes, I understand that. I struggled with that, too. But the question I had to ask myself was "do I want my child to witness this behavior? And most likely repeat it?" helllllllll nooooooooooo!!! I ultimately left because I didn't want my son to grow up to be anything like his father. He will be respectful and caring. If it kills me.
You need to surround yourself with people that really love you and care about you. That's the only way I was able to get out. I came to visit my parents to remove myself from the situation. And it was then and only then that I was able to find the strength to break out of his grasp. I can't explain it but he completely controlled me. I was like his robot. And if I was away from that, and seeing how people that really loved me treated me, then that's when I knew what I had to do.
I wish you the best of luck.

I have a house set up to move into next week. I've filed for financial help for several things, and he's even agreed to pay child support without a fight. But now he's acting like a saint, and telling me he loves me and treating me like a queen. I know this isn't the real him, though I would like it to be, and I know he will be back to his old ways if I stay. So how do I ignore what he's saying now and just leave. I'm second guessing my decision and it's driving me crazy. I know that day I leave he's going to make me feel like crap for it, but we both have discussed the fact that we don't want to hate each other. We just don't work together.

I want to be sure of my decision, and I can't stand second guessing myself. How do I get over that?

I have a house set up to move into next week. I've filed for financial help for several things, and he's even agreed to pay child support without a fight. But now he's acting like a saint, and telling me he loves me and treating me like a queen. I know this isn't the real him, though I would like it to be, and I know he will be back to his old ways if I stay. So how do I ignore what he's saying now and just leave. I'm second guessing my decision and it's driving me crazy. I know that day I leave he's going to make me feel like crap for it, but we both have discussed the fact that we don't want to hate each other. We just don't work together.

I want to be sure of my decision, and I can't stand second guessing myself. How do I get over that?

You said it,you said you k.N.O.W. He is not going to change there is your reason for not believing him.You just have to ignore it.Tell him he is not being his true self and you know he will change back if you stay.Do not let him talk you out of it,just remeber how unhappy you were and how long it took you to tell him how you feel and what you want!

Whatever you do in this look after the kids I was cut up by how my parents split up. Do what u need to do but make sure u clear up ur kids feelings because it really can hurt kids and change their behaviour too in the long run it has for me. My parents divorced when I was 12 and it still hurts now when im 16

i can remember the fights and I have never looked at my dad in the same way

take care
do what makes u happy
good luck x

I agree.It can mess the kids up but the sooner you do it the better it will be for all of you.

I'm in my new house now, and I love it. I love the peace and the quiet and I love being able to be myself. My boys seem to be more traquil, and life is really nice right now.

However, yesterday morning, I had a friend at the house, and my ex came piling through the yard and into the house uninvited and proceeded to 'try' to kick my friends rear (he's male), so I had to call the cops, but he left before they got there. So now he has a trespassing order against him, and cannot come within 10ft of my property line or he goes to jail.

But i'm doing well, i've been involved in a group at church called 'peacemakers" some of ya'll might know what this is, but if not you should find out!! It's awesome.

Happy for u
hope all goes well for you
take care of ur kids