Bipolar Disorder Forum - My Bipolar Boyfriend/fiance/baby's Daddy/husband...whatever

Mental Health > Bipolar Disorder Forum > My Bipolar Boyfriend/fiance/baby's Daddy/husband...whatever

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Q: My Bipolar Boyfriend/fiance/baby's Daddy/husband...whatever

asked by: tawnie_j on January 5th, 2006

New User

I've searched and searched and searched online for people to talk to, who understand. (my family is far away, and friends are mutual and biased.)

my boyfriend/fiance/baby's daddy (he considers himself different things at different times, depending on his emotional connection to me, but he won't marry me) whatever he is, is very bipolar, but won't admit it or get treatment. He's verbally and emotionally abusive to me everyday, and sometimes physically abusive. I've held on for 2 years nearly, trying to tell myself that he will realize he has a problem and get help. But he hasn't. When things go bad, I blame his problem and try not to blame him. But it's so hard now, and i've run out of 'umph'.

I'm so in love with him. But in all reality, i'm in love with who he can be, and who I want him to be. And that's a person who probably never will be.

I hold on because we have a child together, and I put my first son through a break up as well, and I didn't want to do it to this one. We've formed a family and I don't want it to be my fault for tearing it up if I leave.

I can't take it anymore though, I cry everyday, all night long, and all he can do is make fun of me for crying, and call me a basket case. (that's very minimal to what he says to me, he has no respect for me whatsoever.) this is someone i've never been before, and i'm beginning to think that he's right in all of this, even though I know he's not.

He's bringing me down with him, and I don't want to continue to be this way. However, I can't make up my mind if I want happiness alone, or if I want happiness with him, if and when he ever changes.

Help me..........I feel like i've lost myself.....To a monster. How do I convince him to get help? I've brought it up many times, and he somewhat agrees, but it doesn't seem to bother him enough to do it. His family knows he has a problem, but they won't help because he's their innocent precious baby. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want him to ruin his life, or his kids'.

Replies(11)

AngTexas

replied on January 11th, 2006

New User

I hate to give advice but... The verbal abuse is very hard as my hubby has bi-polar and his words can cut like a knife if he's not on meds and goes into a downward spiral... But with the physical abuse it sounds to me like you need to get yourself and your children out of there. Once he calms down off his initial downward spiral reaction that is sure to happen when you give him the boot - - talk to him about getting back together with conditions on him coming back - like getting help... And being stable on medication... Before taking him back.

My best friend had to do this with her hubby a few years ago when it got physical (it escalated to him accidentally hitting her daughter when he was flinging his arms around in a fit). It took 10 months apart, and him getting on meds, but with her staying firm to her committment to him thru it all (she didn't date anyone or go out) once he got on meds he realized she was devoted and loved him still.

Good luck and think of your kids first and foremost. Children in an unhappy home with 2 parents are not better off than single-parent children.

God bless... Angie
he now takes his meds and is way more stable. Good luck!

sandyallen

replied on January 11th, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

I do not like to give advice either but once it comes down to verbal or physical abuse you have to do something. Try sitting down with him and tell him that you cannot take it anymore, tell him that it has to stop or else you and the child has to leave and he must seek medical attention, it is not a place for you or your child to be. He has to want to help himself!
I have gone through abuse and before long you lose the respect for him and I realized that I had to make a change. I know you will probably not listen but I am just giving you my opinion. Their are a lot of places for women to go to get help nowadays.
Good luck!
Keep us posted!

erogers33

replied on January 11th, 2006

Experienced User

Hey girl, I don't know if my reply will help you or not.

I have been with my fiance for 2 years now. We love each other very much and are getting married this summer. He, too, has bipolar disorder. The first year and a half of our relationship was pretty rocky at times. He treated me poorly, called me names, basically made me feel like the smallest person in the world. I hated who I had become. I had never put up with this kind of behavior from anyone before, so I didn't know why I was putting up with it from him.

Well, after a year and a half of constant mood swings and emotional and mental abuse, I had enough. He wouldn't admit he had a problem and wasn't going to change. So I left him. I packed up all my stuff and moved into my mom's house. Needless to say, he didn't expect me to do that. That same night, I had 15 missed calls and about 9 text messages from him. When I called him back, he was bawling his eyes out and promised he wouldn't mess up if I gave him another chance.

A few days later, I saw him in person. He was a wreck. He opened up to me for the first time since i've known him. He cried and told me he knew he messed up. That he would go to the doctor and get treated for his bipolar disorder. Long story short, I agreed to give him another chance. But if he messed up again, that was it.

Almost 5 months later, we're doing better than we ever have. He is on anti-depressants and depakote for his bipolar disorder. He treats my like I always knew I deserved to be treated.

I guess my advice to you is this: leave him and see what happens. My fiance said that if I hadn't left him, he probably would have never changed. It will open his eyes and he'll realize what he has (or had). I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but keep in mind that if he messes up again, it's over for good. People can change, but they need to have the drive to do it themselves.

tawnie_j

replied on January 12th, 2006

New User

Thanks Guys

I'm trying to do a combination of all the advice. I really can't just leave, cause I can't afford a place of my own, and I would have to go all the way to colorado (from tx), so i'm in process of saving a bit, and trying to get housing aide just in case.

He's been out of town working for the last week or so, so things have been calm at home. However, when he gets back, we're having a serious talk. I'm going to sincerely tell him that he needs help because he's tearing me apart, and it's going to tear the family apart and hurt his kids in the long run.

If that doesn't work, then I pray that I can afford my own place by then. I'll keep ya'll posted. Thanks for the advice, and god bless ya'll.

DSmith529

replied on January 12th, 2006

Experienced User

a Thought

Before you sit down to have a talk with him, seriously consider doing the following:

1) let someone know when you are planning on giving this talk and having them call or come by to check on you

2) do not, under any circumstances, let him know you have money stashed away, and make certain it is in a separate bank under your name alone!

3) do not tell him where you are planning on going if he doesn't see things your way

4) if you have a friend or neighbour you can trust--stash a change of clothes or two in duffel bags, just in case

5) if he hits the fan, or hits you or the kids, or threatens you--call the cops. If you cannot call and are in an apartment building, or can get out of your house, scream "fire!"

not "help", not "he's killing me", none of those will work. Scream fire and ensure that the authorities will be summoned.

You and the kids are most vulnerable once he realizes you will go away, or are in the process of going.

Seriously--do you have to tell him, again, that you are frightened and/or his behaviour is bad for the children? The clearest statement you can make is to be gone. If it takes one or two more months to line up a job, living quarters and get in touch with any community support, it may be worth it.

I'd have to say you should save your breath and stop trying to convince him of your position and fears, and get therapy for yourself and the kids.

tawnie_j

replied on January 13th, 2006

New User

Leave?

So you really think the best thing I could do at this point is to just leave?

I just want to do what is best but it stinks trying to read the future to see if it will work or not.

I thank everyone for input.

DSmith529

replied on January 14th, 2006

Experienced User

Step Back For a Moment And Consider

Well, two years of talking, cajoling, begging hasn't changed the situation for the better, has it?

He's been gone for a week or so, and everyone feels much better now. That tells you a lot right there.

Here's a little secret. Knowing that you have the smarts, desire and money to get away from him and his abuse will make you feel better and maybe the dynamic will shift. In fact, it will shift, because unless you are a world-class actress, you will start to carry yourself with a more elegant carriage. Self-confidence does that for you.

Unfortunately, if he is a typical abuser (bipolar doesn't matter at this point) he will not like it and will try and beat it out of you. He'll tell you that you are too uppity, too arrogant, no one likes you, too opinionated, too stupid, etc. Don't buy his brand of bull. Keep socking the money away, looking for support, checking out schools, and remember to yell fire if it all hits the fan. Do you have a safety plan in place? Do the kids know what to do if he starts beating on you? Who to call? Where to run?

Www.Bpd411.Org has a very informative list on things to think about

luck favours the prepared--edna mode (the incredibles)

DSmith529

replied on January 14th, 2006

Experienced User

From Www.angriesout.com

Good website, lots of information for you, for you as a parent, partner, etc. The third paragraph jumps out at me:

as tina turner asks, "what does love got to do with it?" if you are in pain over your relationship a lot of the time, it ain't love! Not if you feel sorry for him. Not if you feel achy, overwhelmed and agitated when you think of him. These heady feelings are just emotional arousal. They are just a habit, fear, addiction, dependency or codependency or a combination of all of these! But they are not love.

Here is one of the best descriptions of love from the bible: "love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all thing, endures all thing. Love never ends." first corinthians 13:14

the reality is that you choose to stay in a relationship with an angry person who acts out with inappropriate verbal and/or physical behavior. You set the bar of standards for inappropriate behavior too low. You are desperate about his problem while he gets off free by avoiding responsibility for his misbehavior. He goes too far with his anger or drinking, drugging, womanizing, whatever. Then there is a "honeymoon" period where he is charming, giving, regretful, crying, courting you or whatever he does to hook you back in to feeling sorry for him. This is the abused spouse syndrome.

tawnie_j

replied on January 16th, 2006

New User

Everything Hit the Fan Last Night...

...Then he left again this morning for another week.

After our daily fight, after I had cried myself into convulsions again, as he watched....I fought myself to calm down and I kindly told him that i'm sick of it. I'm sick of everything, and i'm sick of being the only mature one in the household. I'm sick of not being good enough, and i'm sick of crying everyday, while he enjoys his laid back lifestyle doing and saying whatever he pleases.

I gave him three options. He is to think about them while he's gone this week, and decide what is more important to him. Nonetheless, when he gets back we are not together anymore. Option #1- he stays with his grandparents and gets treatment for his problems, all the while helping me with rent and the bills, and if after a while if the treatment seems to be working, we'll slowly start over again. Option #2 - if he can't admit that he needs treatment, and wants to still see his son, he will pay me a designated amount of child support every other week, and i'll get an apartment here in town. Option #3 - if he doesn't want to pay, or care to get help, i'm going home to colorado. Plain and simple...

I'm sick of being strung along...Do you think that is reasonable or am I treating him like a child again?

DSmith529

replied on January 17th, 2006

Experienced User

I'm supposing that your home is in your name alone? Otherwise you are going to have a time getting him out of it. You may have a hard time doing it if it has been his residence for a year or more.

Regarding the child support, many states have on-line calculators so you can have a rough idea of how much money you are entitled to receive based upon the age of the child and your incomes. I'd also use this week to go have a free one-hour consultation with an attorney who offers them. Just to ensure you are not asking for too much or too little.

Even if you move to colorado, he is the child's father and he is legally obligated to support his child, but it will be up to you to file the paperwork to codify it. And here's a little tip--make certain that it comes out of his paycheck and is direct-deposited to you. Do not let there be a lag. The state may even do it for you: money gets taken from his paycheck and sent to the state which then turns around and issues you a check.

At any road, be prepared to stick to what you say. And be prepared to be served papers ordering you to stay in tx if you do not move to co immediately.

You were very reasonable, I just worry that you showed your hand too soon. Get to a lawyer and get information. Maybe even plunk down the money to have some paperwork drawn up, ready to serve.

Good luck, and hugs to the kids. How are they handling this? Are they in school, have you informed the school counselors and their teachers about some of this? The more people keeping on eye on the kids, the better! You too, of course.

Take care of yourself.

tawnie_j

replied on February 1st, 2006

New User

It's Been a Long Road...

...Since I last posted. We've fought, we've struggled. But the kids have been okay through all of it. I don't allow any of it around them first hand. However, I have decided to leave. We have both come to the conclusion that we don't want to hate each other for the kids sake. I'm moving into a house about a 1/2 mile from him next week. I've been going to church regularly, and I now know that i"m deserving of so much more. I don't deserve to put up with what he's put me through. I'm a strong person, and my kids are what matter most. Things are looking up for me. I've applied for some financial help until I get on my feet and he's agreed to pay child support out of every pay check. I have some wondeful friends here that have helped me out a lot, and I know now, that i'm am not to blame. It's not my fault, and I have to do for me and my kids for once.

I do appreciate all the advice and support ya'll have given me. And to any one else in my situation, don't put up with it. You're bigger than you think you are, and you are deserving of so much more. Cut that rope free, and find happiness and peace of which you deserve.

God bless ya'll and take care.

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