My Bipolar Boyfriend/fiance/baby's Daddy/husband...whatever Posted: 01-05-06 18:39pm
I've searched and searched and searched
online for people to talk to, who
understand. (my family is far away, and
friends are mutual and biased.)
my boyfriend/fiance/baby's daddy (he
considers himself different things at
different times, depending on his
emotional connection to me, but he won't
marry me) whatever he is, is very bipolar,
but won't admit it or get treatment. He's
verbally and emotionally abusive to me
everyday, and sometimes physically
abusive. I've held on for 2 years nearly,
trying to tell myself that he will realize
he has a problem and get help. But he
hasn't. When things go bad, I blame his
problem and try not to blame him. But
it's so hard now, and i've run out of
'umph'.
I'm so in love with him. But in all
reality, i'm in love with who he can be,
and who I want him to be. And that's a
person who probably never will be.
I hold on because we have a child
together, and I put my first son through a
break up as well, and I didn't want to do
it to this one. We've formed a family and
I don't want it to be my fault for tearing
it up if I leave.
I can't take it anymore though, I cry
everyday, all night long, and all he can
do is make fun of me for crying, and call
me a basket case. (that's very minimal to
what he says to me, he has no respect for
me whatsoever.) this is someone i've never
been before, and i'm beginning to think
that he's right in all of this, even
though I know he's not.
He's bringing me down with him, and I
don't want to continue to be this way.
However, I can't make up my mind if I want
happiness alone, or if I want happiness
with him, if and when he ever changes.
Help me..........I feel like i've lost
myself.....To a monster. How do I
convince him to get help? I've brought
it up many times, and he somewhat agrees,
but it doesn't seem to bother him enough
to do it. His family knows he has a
problem, but they won't help because he's
their innocent precious baby. I don't
want to lose him, and I don't want him to
ruin his life, or his kids'.
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AngTexas
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2006 Posts: 9 Location: Dallas, TX
Posted: 01-11-06 13:52pm
I hate to give advice but... The verbal
abuse is very hard as my hubby has
bi-polar and his words can cut like a
knife if he's not on meds and goes into a
downward spiral... But with the physical
abuse it sounds to me like you need to get
yourself and your children out of there.
Once he calms down off his initial
downward spiral reaction that is sure to
happen when you give him the boot - - talk
to him about getting back together with
conditions on him coming back - like
getting help... And being stable on
medication... Before taking him back.
My best friend had to do this with her
hubby a few years ago when it got physical
(it escalated to him accidentally hitting
her daughter when he was flinging his arms
around in a fit). It took 10 months
apart, and him getting on meds, but with
her staying firm to her committment to him
thru it all (she didn't date anyone or go
out) once he got on meds he realized she
was devoted and loved him still.
Good luck and think of your kids first and
foremost. Children in an unhappy home
with 2 parents are not better off than
single-parent children.
God bless... Angie
he now takes his meds and is way more
stable. Good luck!
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 01-11-06 14:40pm
I do not like to give advice either but
once it comes down to verbal or physical
abuse you have to do something. Try
sitting down with him and tell him that
you cannot take it anymore, tell him that
it has to stop or else you and the child
has to leave and he must seek medical
attention, it is not a place for you or
your child to be. He has to want to help
himself!
I have gone through abuse and before long
you lose the respect for him and I
realized that I had to make a change. I
know you will probably not listen but I am
just giving you my opinion. Their are a
lot of places for women to go to get help
nowadays.
Good luck!
Keep us posted!
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erogers33
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Jan 2006 Posts: 141 Location: Littleton, CO
Posted: 01-11-06 15:24pm
Hey girl, I don't know if my reply will
help you or not.
I have been with my fiance for 2 years
now. We love each other very much and are
getting married this summer. He, too, has
bipolar disorder. The first year and a
half of our relationship was pretty rocky
at times. He treated me poorly, called me
names, basically made me feel like the
smallest person in the world. I hated who
I had become. I had never put up with
this kind of behavior from anyone before,
so I didn't know why I was putting up with
it from him.
Well, after a year and a half of constant
mood swings and emotional and mental
abuse, I had enough. He wouldn't admit he
had a problem and wasn't going to change.
So I left him. I packed up all my stuff
and moved into my mom's house. Needless
to say, he didn't expect me to do that.
That same night, I had 15 missed calls and
about 9 text messages from him. When I
called him back, he was bawling his eyes
out and promised he wouldn't mess up if I
gave him another chance.
A few days later, I saw him in person. He
was a wreck. He opened up to me for the
first time since i've known him. He cried
and told me he knew he messed up. That he
would go to the doctor and get treated for
his bipolar disorder. Long story short, I
agreed to give him another chance. But if
he messed up again, that was it.
Almost 5 months later, we're doing better
than we ever have. He is on
anti-depressants and depakote for his
bipolar disorder. He treats my like I
always knew I deserved to be treated.
I guess my advice to you is this: leave
him and see what happens. My fiance said
that if I hadn't left him, he probably
would have never changed. It will open
his eyes and he'll realize what he has (or
had). I believe that everyone deserves a
second chance, but keep in mind that if he
messes up again, it's over for good.
People can change, but they need to have
the drive to do it themselves.
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tawnie_j
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 19 Location: Texas
Thanks Guys Posted: 01-12-06 17:20pm
I'm trying to do a combination of all the
advice. I really can't just leave, cause
I can't afford a place of my own, and I
would have to go all the way to colorado
(from tx), so i'm in process of saving a
bit, and trying to get housing aide just
in case.
He's been out of town working for the last
week or so, so things have been calm at
home. However, when he gets back, we're
having a serious talk. I'm going to
sincerely tell him that he needs help
because he's tearing me apart, and it's
going to tear the family apart and hurt
his kids in the long run.
If that doesn't work, then I pray that I
can afford my own place by then. I'll
keep ya'll posted. Thanks for the
advice, and god bless ya'll.
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
a Thought Posted: 01-12-06 23:21pm
Before you sit down to have a talk with
him, seriously consider doing the
following:
1) let someone know when you are planning
on giving this talk and having them call
or come by to check on you
2) do not, under any circumstances, let
him know you have money stashed away, and
make d@mn certain it is in a separate bank
under your name alone!
3) do not tell him where you are planning
on going if he doesn't see things your
way
4) if you have a friend or neighbour you
can trust--stash a change of clothes or
two in duffel bags, just in case
5) if the sh*t hits the fan, or hits you
or the kids, or threatens you--call the
cops. If you cannot call and are in an
apartment building, or can get out of your
house, scream "fire!"
not "help", not "he's killing me", none of
those will work. Scream fire and ensure
that the authorities will be summoned.
You and the kids are most vulnerable once
he realizes you will go away, or are in
the process of going.
Seriously--do you have to tell him, again,
that you are frightened and/or his
behaviour is bad for the children? The
clearest statement you can make is to be
gone. If it takes one or two more
months to line up a job, living quarters
and get in touch with any community
support, it may be worth it.
I'd have to say you should save your
breath and stop trying to convince him of
your position and fears, and get therapy
for yourself and the kids.
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tawnie_j
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 19 Location: Texas
Leave? Posted: 01-13-06 17:16pm
So you really think the best thing I could
do at this point is to just leave?
I just want to do what is best but it
stinks trying to read the future to see if
it will work or not.
I thank everyone for input.
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Step Back For a Moment And Consider Posted: 01-14-06 08:48am
Well, two years of talking, cajoling,
begging hasn't changed the situation for
the better, has it?
He's been gone for a week or so, and
everyone feels much better now. That
tells you a lot right there.
Here's a little secret. Knowing that you
have the smarts, desire and money to get
away from him and his abuse will make you
feel better and maybe the dynamic will
shift. In fact, it will shift, because
unless you are a world-class actress, you
will start to carry yourself with a more
elegant carriage. Self-confidence does
that for you.
Unfortunately, if he is a typical abuser
(bipolar doesn't matter at this point) he
will not like it and will try and beat it
out of you. He'll tell you that you are
too uppity, too arrogant, no one likes
you, too opinionated, too stupid, etc.
Don't buy his brand of bull. Keep
socking the money away, looking for
support, checking out schools, and
remember to yell fire if it all hits the
fan. Do you have a safety plan in place?
Do the kids know what to do if he starts
beating on you? Who to call? Where to
run?
Www.Bpd411.Org has a
very informative list on things to think
about
luck favours the prepared--edna mode (the
incredibles)
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
From Www.angriesout.com Posted: 01-14-06 10:10am
Good website, lots of information for you,
for you as a parent, partner, etc. The
third paragraph jumps out at me:
as tina turner asks, "what does love got
to do with it?" if you are in pain over
your relationship a lot of the time, it
ain't love! Not if you feel sorry for
him. Not if you feel achy, overwhelmed
and agitated when you think of him. These
heady feelings are just emotional arousal.
They are just a habit, fear, addiction,
dependency or codependency or a
combination of all of these! But they are
not love.
Here is one of the best descriptions of
love from the bible: "love is patient.
Love is kind. Love is not jealous or
boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way; it is
not irritable or resentful; it does not
rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the
right. Love bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all thing, endures all
thing. Love never ends." first
corinthians 13:14
the reality is that you choose to stay in
a relationship with an angry person who
acts out with inappropriate verbal and/or
physical behavior. You set the bar of
standards for inappropriate behavior too
low. You are desperate about his problem
while he gets off free by avoiding
responsibility for his misbehavior. He
goes too far with his anger or drinking,
drugging, womanizing, whatever. Then
there is a "honeymoon" period where he is
charming, giving, regretful, crying,
courting you or whatever he does to hook
you back in to feeling sorry for him.
This is the abused spouse syndrome.
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tawnie_j
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 19 Location: Texas
Everything Hit the Fan Last Night... Posted: 01-16-06 10:20am
...Then he left again this morning for
another week.
After our daily fight, after I had cried
myself into convulsions again, as he
watched....I fought myself to calm down
and I kindly told him that i'm sick of it.
I'm sick of everything, and i'm sick of
being the only mature one in the
household. I'm sick of not being good
enough, and i'm sick of crying everyday,
while he enjoys his laid back lifestyle
doing and saying whatever he pleases.
I gave him three options. He is to think
about them while he's gone this week, and
decide what is more important to him.
Nonetheless, when he gets back we are not
together anymore. Option #1- he stays
with his grandparents and gets treatment
for his problems, all the while helping me
with rent and the bills, and if after a
while if the treatment seems to be
working, we'll slowly start over again.
Option #2 - if he can't admit that he
needs treatment, and wants to still see
his son, he will pay me a designated
amount of child support every other week,
and i'll get an apartment here in town.
Option #3 - if he doesn't want to pay, or
care to get help, i'm going home to
colorado. Plain and simple...
I'm sick of being strung along...Do you
think that is reasonable or am I treating
him like a child again?
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Posted: 01-17-06 06:26am
I'm supposing that your home is in your
name alone? Otherwise you are going to
have a time getting him out of it. You
may have a hard time doing it if it has
been his residence for a year or more.
Regarding the child support, many states
have on-line calculators so you can have a
rough idea of how much money you are
entitled to receive based upon the age of
the child and your incomes. I'd also use
this week to go have a free one-hour
consultation with an attorney who offers
them. Just to ensure you are not asking
for too much or too little.
Even if you move to colorado, he is the
child's father and he is legally obligated
to support his child, but it will be up to
you to file the paperwork to codify it.
And here's a little tip--make certain that
it comes out of his paycheck and is
direct-deposited to you. Do not let
there be a lag. The state may even do it
for you: money gets taken from his
paycheck and sent to the state which then
turns around and issues you a check.
At any road, be prepared to stick to what
you say. And be prepared to be served
papers ordering you to stay in tx if you
do not move to co immediately.
You were very reasonable, I just worry
that you showed your hand too soon. Get
to a lawyer and get information. Maybe
even plunk down the money to have some
paperwork drawn up, ready to serve.
Good luck, and hugs to the kids. How are
they handling this? Are they in school,
have you informed the school counselors
and their teachers about some of this?
The more people keeping on eye on the
kids, the better! You too, of course.
Take care of yourself.
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tawnie_j
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 19 Location: Texas
It's Been a Long Road... Posted: 02-01-06 10:33am
...Since I last posted. We've fought,
we've struggled. But the kids have been
okay through all of it. I don't allow
any of it around them first hand.
However, I have decided to leave. We
have both come to the conclusion that we
don't want to hate each other for the kids
sake. I'm moving into a house about a
1/2 mile from him next week. I've been
going to church regularly, and I now know
that i"m deserving of so much more. I
don't deserve to put up with what he's put
me through. I'm a strong person, and my
kids are what matter most. Things are
looking up for me. I've applied for some
financial help until I get on my feet and
he's agreed to pay child support out of
every pay check. I have some wondeful
friends here that have helped me out a
lot, and I know now, that i'm am not to
blame. It's not my fault, and I have to
do for me and my kids for once.
I do appreciate all the advice and support
ya'll have given me. And to any one else
in my situation, don't put up with it.
You're bigger than you think you are, and
you are deserving of so much more. Cut
that rope free, and find happiness and
peace of which you deserve.
