I welcome everyoneâs advice, thoughts, opinions, etc. On the following. To make a long story as short as possible, my wife informed me a few years ago that she had an affair with a former boss. She only admitted it because he was trying to blackmail her into lying in court to help him with some legal problems. She claims she had sex with him willingly at first but then it became an intimidation thing that went on for two years because she was not strong enough mentally to stop it. I agreed to help her get out of this legal mess.
I questioned her as to whether there was any possibility any of our children was not biologically mine. She said absolutely not but months later, after feeling extreme guilt, admitted that there was a possibility one of them was conceived during the affair. I have since confirmed the child in question has a different blood type than both of us, so not mine.
After much soul-searching, I made the decision to keep the family together until all the children were out of high school. I was without one of my parents growing up and just couldnât subject my kids to that. While they have not witnessed a completely loving relationship in our home, the kids have not seen any arguments and have been provided for well.
Now the day is coming that the youngest will graduate and head off to college â and I must make a decision on whether to leave. My wife says she is deeply in love with me and wants this to work out. I cannot honestly say I am in love with her. I do care for her and care what happens to her but the pain she caused me is too deep.
I am now torn between going out to find someone to share my life and love with, which may be tough having passed my 50th birthday, and staying in this relationship which will allow the children to always have their home to come back to during breaks, holidays, etc. There is also the issue that if we get divorced that the truth will eventually come out and the child finds out I am not the biological father. Iâm certain this child would be heartbroken and also try to find the other guy even though he is a total jerk.
Finally, there is a good chance I will look like the bad guy in this. Another man who reaches his middle age crisis and goes out in search of a younger woman. I say younger because I have still not decided if I want more children or not. I wanted more in this marriage but she said no, even though she knew full well there was a chance one was not mine.
Iâm not expecting anyone to make decisions for me but I would like to know what you, both men and women, think of this situation. How will this all be viewed? Will another woman, especially a younger one, be interested in me (iâm fairly attractive and make good money), or am I destined to be seen as the bad guy, make enemies of my children, and spent the rest of my years in regret.
Any comments are appreciated.
I questioned her as to whether there was any possibility any of our children was not biologically mine. She said absolutely not but months later, after feeling extreme guilt, admitted that there was a possibility one of them was conceived during the affair. I have since confirmed the child in question has a different blood type than both of us, so not mine.
After much soul-searching, I made the decision to keep the family together until all the children were out of high school. I was without one of my parents growing up and just couldnât subject my kids to that. While they have not witnessed a completely loving relationship in our home, the kids have not seen any arguments and have been provided for well.
Now the day is coming that the youngest will graduate and head off to college â and I must make a decision on whether to leave. My wife says she is deeply in love with me and wants this to work out. I cannot honestly say I am in love with her. I do care for her and care what happens to her but the pain she caused me is too deep.
I am now torn between going out to find someone to share my life and love with, which may be tough having passed my 50th birthday, and staying in this relationship which will allow the children to always have their home to come back to during breaks, holidays, etc. There is also the issue that if we get divorced that the truth will eventually come out and the child finds out I am not the biological father. Iâm certain this child would be heartbroken and also try to find the other guy even though he is a total jerk.
Finally, there is a good chance I will look like the bad guy in this. Another man who reaches his middle age crisis and goes out in search of a younger woman. I say younger because I have still not decided if I want more children or not. I wanted more in this marriage but she said no, even though she knew full well there was a chance one was not mine.
Iâm not expecting anyone to make decisions for me but I would like to know what you, both men and women, think of this situation. How will this all be viewed? Will another woman, especially a younger one, be interested in me (iâm fairly attractive and make good money), or am I destined to be seen as the bad guy, make enemies of my children, and spent the rest of my years in regret.
Any comments are appreciated.
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Hmmm..
Hello! I am really sorry to hear about your child and the way you have been living these past years. I say that because you knew in your mind that when the kids were out of high school you will have a decision to make. Well I am 19 years, 20 in may, and I want to respond to your questions. Will anyone want you. I beleive that if you really truly are upset and cannot live with the fact that your wife had cheated, you should go out and try to find another. But.. You do have to understand that she most likely will not take you back if you, in fact don't find what you are searching for-and- it will cause her the pain and anger that you had felt when you found out about the affair. I do think that if you truly are compatible with a younger woman then go ahead.. But sometimes younger women are also just looking for the easy way out: an older man that already has his sh&t together... Financially set, etc. So be careful with what you chose, you might get hurt in the end. I hope I was helpful! Keep me updated
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Whoa. I'm really really sorry for what happened. Your love for your children is obvious.
I'm really sorry that I cannot give you any advice, because you are in an extremely tough position. I think that, given your childs age, it is fair to him to know what really happened.
I strongly suggest that you seek professional counseling for this. This could really hurt your family as a whole.. And I believe it can be handled approprietly, especially if you have a good relationship with your chidren.
I imagine, something must have happened in your relationship with your wife early on, for her to be seeking another man, like her ex-boss.
I'm really sorry that I cannot give you any advice, because you are in an extremely tough position. I think that, given your childs age, it is fair to him to know what really happened.
I strongly suggest that you seek professional counseling for this. This could really hurt your family as a whole.. And I believe it can be handled approprietly, especially if you have a good relationship with your chidren.
I imagine, something must have happened in your relationship with your wife early on, for her to be seeking another man, like her ex-boss.
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As everyone else is,i am sorry to hear what happened to your marriage. A wound which is too deep may never heal if you dig at it.Which means staying with your wife will just make you feel lousy everyday.You should leave if you do not love her anymore,and your children are old enough and mature enough to handle the divorce even though it may hurt them somewhat.As for your son,he deserves to know who the sperm donor was unless you think it is best off for him not knowing.If the kids ask why you are divorcing tell them you have differences which cannot be resolved. If you still welcome your children,still visit them,talk to them,do all the same things you did before,there is no reason you should look like tha bad guy. Hope I helped!
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This Is What Is Wrong With the World Today
Dear sir,
ignore the advice the above have mentioned...........It contains no evidence of any forgiveness or committment. Your wife made a huge mistake!!! She is human, we all do. If any thing it probably made her feelings for you deeper.
You say you can not say you are in love with her anymore, and I say you can find that with help/work.
Ever hear "ain't nothing free" ? Well, a relationship takes work, and understanding. And I caution you that if you leave the one you are in, you may find more work with less reward............Why take a pay cut at you age?
To close...........Time heals all wounds................It happened, do you best to deal with it...........It was yesterday, yesterday is gone.
Good luck with everything.
ignore the advice the above have mentioned...........It contains no evidence of any forgiveness or committment. Your wife made a huge mistake!!! She is human, we all do. If any thing it probably made her feelings for you deeper.
You say you can not say you are in love with her anymore, and I say you can find that with help/work.
Ever hear "ain't nothing free" ? Well, a relationship takes work, and understanding. And I caution you that if you leave the one you are in, you may find more work with less reward............Why take a pay cut at you age?
To close...........Time heals all wounds................It happened, do you best to deal with it...........It was yesterday, yesterday is gone.
Good luck with everything.
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You know,if he was going to love her again which i'm sure he has tried,it would have happened by now.Apperantly he has been with his wife for quite some time after this happened and would most likely know if he loved her or not.Sure it made her love for him deeper,she feels guilty she cheated on him.It's apperant you might have cheated and not been given a second chance,which was well deserved.People are only human but if you love someone you will not disrespect,betray,or hurt them in any way.
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Oh,and her is some advise for you, don't be rude!
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I completely agree!
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I think the question of whether or not you would attract or be compatible with a younger woman, or any other woman, is completely irrelevant and should not sway your decision in any way.
You shouldn't stick with her just because you can't find anyone else. And you shouldn't leave her in hopes of finding someone else.
Those are the wrong reasons to stay/not stay.
You sound like you've basically already made up your mind. I don't agree with you staying together for the children, because many divorced families still provide a stable, loving home for their children. But that, too is irrelevant. You said that what she did caused you too much hurt.
I agree with counceling. With and/or without your wife. I do think that lost love can be found again with the same partner, but what some people don't understand is the dire situations that many people are put in. I know I was not able to find my love for my husband again and I wasn't about to stay in a marriage that made me miserable. But you could at least give it a chance. What have you got to lose, right?
As far as the child fathered by another man, I do think he should know about it. If not for the purpose of knowing and being adult enough handle it (if he's that mature. Age doesn't necessarily mean anything, it's about maturity level) then for medical purposes, etc.
It is a big decision to be made at any stage in life. But I cannot stress to you enough how much you have to *not* worry about what other people think (re: your comment about looking like the bad guy). Only yourself and your wife know the details of your marriage and its possible demise. Anybody else's opinion of your relationship doesn't matter. You may look like the bad guy to some that don't know what they're talking about, and you know you're not. Public opinion has no business in the impending breakup of a marriage.
You shouldn't stick with her just because you can't find anyone else. And you shouldn't leave her in hopes of finding someone else.
Those are the wrong reasons to stay/not stay.
You sound like you've basically already made up your mind. I don't agree with you staying together for the children, because many divorced families still provide a stable, loving home for their children. But that, too is irrelevant. You said that what she did caused you too much hurt.
I agree with counceling. With and/or without your wife. I do think that lost love can be found again with the same partner, but what some people don't understand is the dire situations that many people are put in. I know I was not able to find my love for my husband again and I wasn't about to stay in a marriage that made me miserable. But you could at least give it a chance. What have you got to lose, right?
As far as the child fathered by another man, I do think he should know about it. If not for the purpose of knowing and being adult enough handle it (if he's that mature. Age doesn't necessarily mean anything, it's about maturity level) then for medical purposes, etc.
It is a big decision to be made at any stage in life. But I cannot stress to you enough how much you have to *not* worry about what other people think (re: your comment about looking like the bad guy). Only yourself and your wife know the details of your marriage and its possible demise. Anybody else's opinion of your relationship doesn't matter. You may look like the bad guy to some that don't know what they're talking about, and you know you're not. Public opinion has no business in the impending breakup of a marriage.
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This whole forum is a pulic opinion and if he didn't want it he would not have asked.I do however agree with the fact that you ropinion should not be based on whether or not you will find/be compatable with someone else.If you have tried to love her again and it is not working there is no reason for you to stay.
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Re: This Is What Is Wrong With the World Today
| ironmantaylors wrote: |
| dear sir,
ignore the advice the above have mentioned...........It contains no evidence of any forgiveness or committment. Your wife made a huge mistake!!! She is human, we all do. If any thing it probably made her feelings for you deeper. You say you can not say you are in love with her anymore, and I say you can find that with help/work. Ever hear "ain't nothing free" ? Well, a relationship takes work, and understanding. And I caution you that if you leave the one you are in, you may find more work with less reward............Why take a pay cut at you age? To close...........Time heals all wounds................It happened, do you best to deal with it...........It was yesterday, yesterday is gone. Good luck with everything. |
the problem with marriage is that people don't want to do anything that is hard any more and making something work is hard. I am dealing with the same thing in my marriage. I am trying to make it work. Leaving is easy and when you bounce from one relationship to another without ever resolving anything in any of them, you just take all the same problems with you into the next one. You have to deal with things, you can't just run because it's hard. That's why no one stays married anymore. No one even tries to work things out. There's a difference between just staying with someone and actually trying to work everything out. I know i've lived both. I don't think this man tried to work at anything. He was simply there biding his time until he could leave...
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I agree with the last post. Lots of times people leave things unresolved and it spills over and spoils the next relationship...Been there and done that. Don't let life pass you by. You will always be a father to that child and if you are not happy and obviously you are not, find someone who will make you happy and is willing to put forth the effort to make it work. I personally have never known of a relationship that made it happily after an affair. For those who stayed together anyhow, I know non of them who are happy with tjier partners and have let the past go. It haunts them everyday and they question if they made the right decision. One couple I know is in thier 70's now and the husband had affairs in the 40's, 50's & 60's. All this time later it still hurts his wife and it's hearbreaking to see her in pain. She tells me to thank god that I am in a time where it's ok to get out of marriage/relationship over things like that because in her day it was almost forbidden.
Anyhow, if you are not happy, start taking steps to change that. You have put in your time.
Anyhow, if you are not happy, start taking steps to change that. You have put in your time.
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Hmmm that was a pretty disgusting thing your wife did. Has she felt sorry and cried and asked for your forgiveness?
I say stay with her but go out and have your own fun for once. Find a nice sexy girl and have a blast with her and make sure your wife knows this.
This way she will feel the hurt you felt and you will be even with her.
Stay together for the kids and dont let them know anything. It makes no difference who the kids biological father is. The kid is yours since you raised him/her.
Take care my friend...
I say stay with her but go out and have your own fun for once. Find a nice sexy girl and have a blast with her and make sure your wife knows this.
This way she will feel the hurt you felt and you will be even with her.
Stay together for the kids and dont let them know anything. It makes no difference who the kids biological father is. The kid is yours since you raised him/her.
Take care my friend...
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| spanky2005 wrote: |
| hmmm that was a pretty disgusting thing your wife did. Has she felt sorry and cried and asked for your forgiveness?
I say stay with her but go out and have your own fun for once. Find a nice sexy girl and have a blast with her and make sure your wife knows this. This way she will feel the hurt you felt and you will be even with her. Stay together for the kids and dont let them know anything. It makes no difference who the kids biological father is. The kid is yours since you raised him/her. Take care my friend... |
this is the most retarded "advice" I have ever heard in my life.
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Why don't you keep your opinions to yourself. You might be more retarded than my advice.
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| spanky2005 wrote: |
| why don't you keep your opinions to yourself. You might be more retarded than my advice. |
that's simply not possible.
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| lsipes wrote: | ||
this is the most retarded "advice" I have ever heard in my life. |
thank you! I agree.
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| tigresacanela24 wrote: | ||
that's simply not possible. |
why don't you just give your advice and leave it at that.
Did I ask your opinion on my advice? Did I care what advice you gave?
I think you have seriously too much time on your hands and need to get a life rather than criticise other people and their opinions.
Here is a guy who has been put through the toughest of tests by his wife. He has a child that is not his. His wife has lied to him and has betrayed his trust. Can you imagine what he must have gone through knowing what his wife did with someone else? What is the punishment for such a betrayal? I would think a just punishment would be for the person who did it, to go through the same thing and feel it for themselves. That's why I said what I did.
As for the illegitimate kid, he has raised the child and probably loves him/her like his own. Which is the reason why I said to leave the child issue alone.
Do you now understand my perspective? Don't bother to reply. I don't feel like talking to the low-iq types lately...
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You might want to try reading a book called too good to leave, too bad to stay. I've just started reading it and it seems quite good. Read, read, read. Look things up on amazon or other sites like it.
Also, I feel that you really need to get counselling on this.
There is no perfect person or perfect relationship out there. Are you sure that you don't love her any more? Is it really the affair and baby that has made you feel this way or are you just going through what so many married people go through when they have been in a marriage long-term - i.E. Feeling trapped and wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
Your children will hurt even if they are no longer in the home.
I don't think you should rush into anything. Get help. Talk to a counsellor.
I'm not just preaching here. I'm in the same boat as you. My husband had an affair and she is pregnant. It's hard, but i'm staying for now. I have also thought I might go one day. I haven't made up my mind yet.
If you can persuade your wife to go on a marriage encounter course, you might want to try that before giving up. See how far you can deepen your relationship before you give up on it. You've invested so many years now.
We live in a throw-away, selfish world.
Love and forgiveness are the answer. (not revenge spanky).
I think happiness is not necessarily "out there" in someone else's arms, it is what happens when you do the right thing.
Ask god or whatever power you believe in to help you. Read the prayer of st francis on the web. It's beautiful.
Everyone has said to me "think of yourself, think of yourself", but i'm not necessarily they're right.
I'm also on the ambivalence fence.
You're not alone.
Take care.
Also, I feel that you really need to get counselling on this.
There is no perfect person or perfect relationship out there. Are you sure that you don't love her any more? Is it really the affair and baby that has made you feel this way or are you just going through what so many married people go through when they have been in a marriage long-term - i.E. Feeling trapped and wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
Your children will hurt even if they are no longer in the home.
I don't think you should rush into anything. Get help. Talk to a counsellor.
I'm not just preaching here. I'm in the same boat as you. My husband had an affair and she is pregnant. It's hard, but i'm staying for now. I have also thought I might go one day. I haven't made up my mind yet.
If you can persuade your wife to go on a marriage encounter course, you might want to try that before giving up. See how far you can deepen your relationship before you give up on it. You've invested so many years now.
We live in a throw-away, selfish world.
Love and forgiveness are the answer. (not revenge spanky).
I think happiness is not necessarily "out there" in someone else's arms, it is what happens when you do the right thing.
Ask god or whatever power you believe in to help you. Read the prayer of st francis on the web. It's beautiful.
Everyone has said to me "think of yourself, think of yourself", but i'm not necessarily they're right.
I'm also on the ambivalence fence.
You're not alone.
Take care.
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