I just want to say I am or was a sufferer of depression.But my situation is different to yours.To cut a long story short.I have had really tough 3years with it.I was on anti d's to.Im not saying stop taking them,but I whinned myself off them and had councelling and for once I started to feel better having someone listen and not judge me.What im trying to say is,i know how you feel.But with the support of friends and family you will pull through,i know it is tough I have been there and really just wanted to end my life so badly.Maybe you should find another councellor? Talk to a frind and make them listen to how you feel.Maybe you could also do with some help with your litttle one,or try to focus on bringing her up and enjoying her as she grows.Try and focus ahead rather than behind.I really feel you should try councelling again.I do know its hard but you have to try and fight it with all your might.I know this might sound really strange but it worked for me,but try and find a hobby to,something to put your energies into im not saying it will make evrything ofk an dissapear over night but it gives you another channel to focus your energies into.
I really do wish you the best and am thinking of you.
Depression is a terrible terrible thing and I know that it seems people do not understand how you feel,but I am here.
God bless you
xx

Hey, i'm sorry your feeling bad. I get depressed myself. But the one thing that you should think of always...Is your daughter! She should bring light into your life, she needs you and loves you! You should try to bring her father to christmas, in memories. Do you have videos of him from previous christmas'? Or pics? Bring them out for the season!

If you have to, think of what life would be for your daughter, if you decided to take your life. You don't want to put her through what you are going through right now. I know how hard it is to lose someone close. I lost my grandmother, this past september 3rd, and it kills me inside. I cry all the time, and wish and pray that I can see her for one last time. But then everyone lets me know that it is the only the memories that I can have. And I try to cherish them the best I can.

I know it is hard to get past this, and I know depression is not something you choose...But try the best you can.

Good luck and god bless,

jennifer

Of course you are depressed. You lost your husband. If the meds are making you sick, tell your doctor you need different meds. See a therapist. They are easy to talk to. If you do not like a particular one, go to a different one. Find one that you are comfortable with and who won't judge you. Let it out girl! Suicide is not an option. Think of your little girl. She already lost her father, now you want to deprive her of a mother too. I don't think you want that. You should definately talk to someone who understands what you are going through and the mental consequences. Definately get a different antidepressant. One that doesn't cloud your mind or make you sick. And try to keep your husband in your christmas celebration this year. He doesn't want you to be sad. He wants you to be happy. It is hard, I know, but try as hard as you can. For him and for your daughter! God bless. Keep us informed.

Thanks to everyone who has replied to my post. I appreciate where you are all coming from, but it is more than hard sitting here.
I love my daughter, but the thought of being here without my husband is unbearable, and as for having a happy christmas and new year...........What for.................I'm not going to fake the way I feel to humour the rest of the world, and anyway surely that would teach my daughter to suppress here feelings which are ofcourse natural in this situation.
I'm on my 4th type of anti depressant and it's still not working. On a councelling front, I think unless someone has experience this they couldn't possibly "know" what it feels like, and to be honest the ones that I have spoken to have been down right patronizing.
Maybe some of us are strong and some of us are weak..........Think i'm the latter. You are absolutely right I do not want to leave my daughter, howvere when the pain outweighs the amount a person can cope with , where do you go?
There are many family members and close friends who she is more than happy to be with, on occcasions in preference to me(which is not surprising). Surely I should look at it from a point of view that she would have a better quality of life with one of these people?
Anyway i'll stop rambling on.......................
Thanks again for your posts and I do genuinely hope you have a lovely christmas

Hi freddie,

just wanted to say i'm terribly sorry to hear that you lost your husband to such a cruel disease. I'm not going to say I know what your going through because I honestly don't. Although, my husband and I have discussed how on earth we would ever cope and go on without each other if it were to ever happen, and it nearly tears our hearts out just thinking about the possibility. I guess the pain you are feeling is impossible to put into words, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to go to christmas dinner this year. For me in your situation, that would make the pain of losing hubby even worse than it already is. I hope you and your daughter can have a nice quiet christmas together, and get through ok. You really need each other right now.

Good luck

suzy

I'm sorry that I made you feel worse. I'm not saying to surpress how you feel, i'm just saying, try to make the holiday the best you can for your daughter. I lost my grandmother this past year, and this will be my first year without her, and of course I cry, and try to explain why to my children, who don't understand. I'm not saying hold it in, i'm saying let it out in a more pleasant manner.

Good luck,

jennifer

I wasn't trying to make you feel worse either. I am sorry. What I was trying to get at was don't give up. Try a different counselor. One you feel comfortable with. A lot of counselors have been through tough times too. People with the most problems make the best counselors. And if you should celebrate christmas for your daughter's sake. You do not have to go to dinner with the rest of the family. Just have a little something for the two of you. Good luck.

Hi freddie,

i won't try to full you, i'll tell you straight. Depression is hell. I know, i've been there and back. The word back is the word to remember.

I lot a grandfather, uncle, brother and almost myself to suicide. I've lot seven family members during 2003.

I lost a brother to lung cancer and his wife is depressed.

I can best speak to you of my depression. I can tell you how much I wanted to end my life. I can tell you I thought nothing would be better than for me to be out of the picture. Years later, that problem that almost caused me to commit suicide, is gone. I think of where I would be had I pulled the trigger. And that's the word to remember, think.

I don't know if you believe in the almighty. Take it from me, he does exist. As I rolled around my bedroom floor praying over and over to die, coming in and out of a state of confusion, I feared i'd end up in a mental ward unless something was done.

I had the gun, I knew where I was going to do it, I looked at those people around me and I thought they would all be better off without me. I didn't think anything could help me but death. With the help of my brother, the one who died from cancer, I was taken to a family doctor who put me on medication. I had lost 20 pounds, I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't watch tv, and I was afraid of leaving the house.

My wife kept telling me to pull out of it, she'd yell at me, she didn't understand. I couldn't, I just couldn't. The medicine allowed me to sleep, after a few weeks I tried eating, I gained some weight, and I found my problem was easier to handle even though it was still there.

You lost your husband. Your alone, at least in your mind. No one can change that, only time can heal your heart. You have a child who needs her mother. When your husband left this earth not by his chosing, i'm sure he felt he was leaving his daughter in capable hands. He trusted you to take care of her. That's a trust you must obey. Time will pass, your feelings will get more acceptable and you'll realize tomorrow is just that, tomorrow. Yesterday was yesterday, today is today, but tomorrow is your day to do with as you chose.

If you believe your husband went to heaven then you believe he's looking down over you. In his own way he's around you, he's in your daughter. He's in your home, he's in your arms, his spirit is all over you.

If you believe, think of where you will go should you commit suicide? That's a very important question freddie. Cause if you believe, you can't commit suicide and be accepted in heaven. You can't meet your husband in heaven. There is no other answer freddie. You can end your suffering here on earth, but where are you going after you last breath? Think of the wrost suffering you've done. Will your death at your hands end that suffering or will it be the same or even greater.

Freddie, I don't think you want to take that chance.

Accept what you must, love your daughter cause she's half your husband, love your husband, speak to him often, he'll hear you. And, just maybe you want to speak to that someone in the sky who watches over all of us.

When my brother pulled the trigger and the bullet struck his head, did that end his suffering? Or did his suffering only start?

Fredddie,

how old is your daughter? You may think now that she'd be better off with others but right now you're not thinking straight, if you were you'd probably have trouble deciding who would raise her if something happened to you, becuase no-one is the same as a loving caring parent, no-one gives the same unconditional love & support, no-one else fights for us the way our own parents do, no-one else's hugs are quite the same & someone else being there on those special days/times just isn't the same as having a parent there.

That's what I keep in my mind when I reach the end of my tether & just want to end it all, when I don't feel I can take life anymore.

You've been through hell & aren't back yet but you will be, but have you had a break away since your husband died, sometimes a "holiday" time to grieve, time to heal can help (but not alone, not the way you are at the moment!!!!)

counsellors are just people & sometimes it's hard to find one that suits/fits you & your needs, keep trying - I agree they can be horribly patronizing but there are some good ones out there. As to the meds maybe since you've tried several & they not only make you sick but aren't working, you should look into alternative therapies, natural therapies?

Like peacekeeper I am strongly religious but in an out there sort of way: I believe in past & future lives, spirits - so I would believe that your husband is with you & your daughter all the time in spirit & I have never suggested this to anyone despite my beliefs but you seem so "at risk" there are some very good spiritualist healers & mediums here you would find them "attached" to, or through a spiritualist church & maybe that's an avenue you might pursue. I'm in australia but I do know some honest genuine spiritualists here who might be able to find out some names of similar ones near you. It is up to you - just email me if you want to even just discuss this. But anyone or church that charges big bucks or wants $$$ donations isn't usually genuine so you do need to beware of charlatans. Now i'm going to post this before I change my mind.

May the love & peace of the energy of creation be with you & your daughter now & always.
Cheri