You say you're broken up, but he keeps calling and inviting you to family events.

Well, you keep going and pretending that this a satisfactory relationship for you--if you need or want more in a relationship, tell him that and stop accepting his invitations and answering the phone!

Get back in the swim of things and figure out what geneva wants to do, without predicating it upon what he may want to do.

Bipolar disorder is not an invitation to infantilize him by never treating him like an adult. An adult would say, "look here. This is not working for me. I wish you the best, I know that you are a great person, but I am not going to play "let's pretend" for your public image. I may regret this someday, but right now I have my life to live."

my husband has woken up to the fact that I do not care if he lives, dies or rots; the kids and I function very well without him. Better than we do when he is around as a matter of fact. He is now trying to dog paddle in our direction. But he only started to try when I quit accepting inadequate/abuse as "good enough".

It isn't. Don't make excuses for it. You can roll cat sh*t in sugar and call it turkish delight, but it isn't. And even if you do decide to eat it and smile, it still isn't turkish delight!

He has never treated me bad, ever, until he found out he was bipolar and thats when all his weird behavior started. I feel like he invites me to things because he still cares about me and wants me in his life. He want to get his stuff together before he can be good for anyone. I am not a stupid person and will not wait around forever but he was such a wonderful boyfriend in the past I feel I owe him a chance to get himself together. Its hard cause I want the relationship and want to support him and know I am here for him. If I always turn down his invitations or do not call him back it looks like I don't care. It a touchy situation.

so, he finds out he is bipolar and he treats you badly. You continue to accept his treating you badly and excuse it due to a recent diagnosis. What's changed? You have. You are lowering your expectations for his behaviour. Or maybe he isn't as interested in you as you had thought, and this is his way of ditching you. Slowly, with "benefits" for himself and a lot of heartache for you. You really don't know why, and it doesn't really matter, does it?

"i feel he invites me to things because..." isn't the same as, "i have asked him why he invites me to these things and he says..."

ask him why.

Watch the walk, ignore the talk. You are not happy with this relationship because of his behaviour and the way it makes you feel.

Here's a quote that may fit your predicament:

you can't talk your way out of problems you behaved into. - stephen r. Covey

So, are you guys broken up or not? It is hard to tell by what you are saying. It sounds like he is just trying to just have you there if he needs you; keeping you on the back burner.So, he only started treating you badly after his diagnosis? I take it that means he is using his illness as an excuse to treat you badly. My ex did that all of the time! He used the illness as an excuse for everything he did. Seriously I would not put up with this. If I could turn back time I would not have stayed with my ex as long as did. I would have walked away after the day he threatened to run me over in his car. I let it go on way too long because he had an illness. Things never got better, in fact they got worse. We ended up having a child together, so I still have to deal with him. He claims he has changed now, but he hasn't changed one bit. Get out before that happens to you.

He does not treat me bad at all. We just broke up when he found out because he was not capable to handle the relationship and did not want to put someone he loves so much through it. These are his words and I do believe he still loves me, he is still sweet to me I just want him back as a boyfriend not just a friend.
I see what you are saying and you might be absolutely right. I just feel its so new that I want to give it some time because he is worth it to me if in the end we can get to the way we used to be.

sounds like you are no longer his girlfriend, you are his arm-candy and/or (excuse me)friend.


It's all about respect, as aretha rightly said. Don't accept sloppy emotional seconds from him. Do not believe him when he tells you that if it weren't for this darn bipolar disorder he'd be right there with you. Because he was bipolar before the diagnosis and you say it was a good relationship then.


Geneva, as you know, you cannot make him want to be with you. And he will never miss you if you do not make it clear what "broken-up" is--no relationship perks! You are dating other people, and not him. You wish him well, but you are not going to be played for a fool.


he shouldn't be drinking alcohol while on these meds.


And about that eternal-victimhood he embraces, "oh, I just don't deserve anything good..." that *is* manipulation.


Praise denied is praise desired twice you know.


You're a teacher, you wouldn't buy this from any of your students. He was your intimate partner, do you really think he doesn't know how to hit your sympathy buttons? How to lie to you in manner that you will believe him? Of course he does! We all do! It's just that we grow up and learn to face down our fears, mistakes, and own up to them and learn from them. Besides, if we don't and they come out later they bite us.


Happy new year (liz and geneva in particular), I hope 2006 proves to be a good one.

I cant explain it but I do believe that he loves me and does not mean to hurt me. We are actually not sexually active at all. The moment we broke up I ended all that( too emotional). He is the one to call, not me. I try to keep the relations as friends but inside I am crushed and want him back( I don't tell him my feeling much. I once did ask him why and he said he can not explain it, that he just want to be alone right know. Is this normal for someone who found out their bipolar?

It's your life.

If you feel worse after seeing him, why accept the invitations?

If he wants to be alone to mull over his diagnosis, why is he using you like a security blanket?

A good friend would respect your feelings too, and you are hurt and you need time to recover from being dumped. I stand by my earlier statement, he was bipolar before the diagnosis and you state the relationship was acceptable. Nothing has changed except his diagnosis.

Have you read lynne namka's "drama triangle revisited"? You may find it interesting.

Thank you for all of your advice. I am just thinking out loud in many of my entires and it helps for someone to listen. I am working on my aself right know and if we end up together I will be happy. If not I will accept it and move on. Its hard to lose your best friend.