Surviving the Breakup Due to Bipolar? Posted: 12-30-05 19:42pm
It has been 2 months since my boyfriend
and I broke up because of his recent
diagnosis. It is very strange because we
are broken up in the way that he does not
have to answer to me or have the
responsibiliies of a relationship but he
still is a fixture in my life. He calls
me everyday or see each other. He says he
still loves me and invites me to family
functions and diners. I am not being
intimate with him but are emotional
connection is still very strong. I want
him back. He says he can not handle the
stress and comitment in a relationship.
What can I do to show him I am there for
him? Please help.
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Stop Getting Jerked Around Posted: 12-31-05 12:02pm
You say you're broken up, but he keeps
calling and inviting you to family
events.
Well, you keep going and pretending that
this a satisfactory relationship for
you--if you need or want more in a
relationship, tell him that and stop
accepting his invitations and answering
the phone!
Get back in the swim of things and figure
out what geneva wants to do, without
predicating it upon what he may want to
do.
Bipolar disorder is not an invitation to
infantilize him by never treating him like
an adult. An adult would say, "look
here. This is not working for me. I
wish you the best, I know that you are a
great person, but I am not going to play
"let's pretend" for your public image. I
may regret this someday, but right now I
have my life to live."
my husband has woken up to the fact that I
do not care if he lives, dies or rots; the
kids and I function very well without him.
Better than we do when he is around as a
matter of fact. He is now trying to dog
paddle in our direction. But he only
started to try when I quit accepting
inadequate/abuse as "good enough".
It isn't. Don't make excuses for it.
You can roll cat sh*t in sugar and call it
turkish delight, but it isn't. And even
if you do decide to eat it and smile, it
still isn't turkish delight!
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geneva88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Location: san diego
Its Hard Posted: 12-31-05 18:43pm
He has never treated me bad, ever, until
he found out he was bipolar and thats when
all his weird behavior started. I feel
like he invites me to things because he
still cares about me and wants me in his
life. He want to get his stuff together
before he can be good for anyone. I am
not a stupid person and will not wait
around forever but he was such a wonderful
boyfriend in the past I feel I owe him a
chance to get himself together. Its hard
cause I want the relationship and want to
support him and know I am here for him.
If I always turn down his invitations or
do not call him back it looks like I don't
care. It a touchy situation.
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
Interesting Posted: 01-01-06 09:58am
Quote:
he has never
treated me bad, ever, until he found out
he was bipolar and thats when all his
weird behavior started. I feel like he
invites me to things because he still
cares about me and wants me in his life.
He want to get his stuff together before
he can be good for anyone.
so, he finds out he is bipolar and he
treats you badly. You continue to accept
his treating you badly and excuse it due
to a recent diagnosis. What's changed?
You have. You are lowering your
expectations for his behaviour. Or
maybe he isn't as interested in you as you
had thought, and this is his way of
ditching you. Slowly, with "benefits"
for himself and a lot of heartache for
you. You really don't know why, and it
doesn't really matter, does it?
"i feel he invites me to things
because..." isn't the same as, "i have
asked him why he invites me to these
things and he says..."
ask him why.
Watch the walk, ignore the talk. You are
not happy with this relationship because
of his behaviour and the way it makes you
feel.
Here's a quote that may fit your
predicament:
you can't talk your way out of problems
you behaved into. - stephen r. Covey
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Liz26
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 51
Posted: 01-01-06 18:09pm
So, are you guys broken up or not? It is
hard to tell by what you are saying. It
sounds like he is just trying to just have
you there if he needs you; keeping you on
the back burner.So, he only started
treating you badly after his diagnosis? I
take it that means he is using his illness
as an excuse to treat you badly. My ex
did that all of the time! He used the
illness as an excuse for everything he
did. Seriously I would not put up with
this. If I could turn back time I would
not have stayed with my ex as long as did.
I would have walked away after the day he
threatened to run me over in his car. I
let it go on way too long because he had
an illness. Things never got better, in
fact they got worse. We ended up having a
child together, so I still have to deal
with him. He claims he has changed now,
but he hasn't changed one bit. Get out
before that happens to you.
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geneva88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Location: san diego
Its Not That Simple Posted: 01-01-06 20:45pm
He does not treat me bad at all. We just
broke up when he found out because he was
not capable to handle the relationship and
did not want to put someone he loves so
much through it. These are his words and
I do believe he still loves me, he is
still sweet to me I just want him back as
a boyfriend not just a friend.
I see what you are saying and you might be
absolutely right. I just feel its so new
that I want to give it some time because
he is worth it to me if in the end we can
get to the way we used to be.
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
There You Go Then! Posted: 01-02-06 08:55am
Quote:
we just broke up
when he found out because he was not
capable to handle the
relationship
sounds like you are no longer his
girlfriend, you are his arm-candy and/or
(excuse me) f***-friend.
It's all about respect, as aretha rightly
said. Don't accept sloppy emotional
seconds from him. Do not believe him
when he tells you that if it weren't for
this darn bipolar disorder he'd be right
there with you. Because he was bipolar
before the diagnosis and you say it was a
good relationship then.
Geneva, as you know, you cannot make him
want to be with you. And he will never
miss you if you do not make it clear what
"broken-up" is--no relationship perks!
You are dating other people, and not him.
You wish him well, but you are not going
to be played for a fool.
D@mn right he shouldn't be drinking
alcohol while on these meds.
And about that eternal-victimhood he
embraces, "oh, I just don't deserve
anything good..." that *is*
manipulation.
Praise denied is praise desired twice you
know.
You're a teacher, you wouldn't buy this
from any of your students. He was your
intimate partner, do you really think he
doesn't know how to hit your sympathy
buttons? How to lie to you in manner
that you will believe him? Of course he
does! We all do! It's just that we
grow up and learn to face down our fears,
mistakes, and own up to them and learn
from them. Besides, if we don't and they
come out later they bite us worse in the
@ss.
Happy new year (liz and geneva in
particular), I hope 2006 proves to be a
good one.
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geneva88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Location: san diego
Its Seems So Different Posted: 01-08-06 18:44pm
I cant explain it but I do believe that he
loves me and does not mean to hurt me. We
are actually not sexually active at all.
The moment we broke up I ended all that(
too emotional). He is the one to call,
not me. I try to keep the relations as
friends but inside I am crushed and want
him back( I don't tell him my feeling
much. I once did ask him why and he said
he can not explain it, that he just want
to be alone right know. Is this normal
for someone who found out their bipolar?
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DSmith529
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Oct 2005 Posts: 59
It's Hard Posted: 01-09-06 09:46am
It's your life.
If you feel worse after seeing him, why
accept the invitations?
If he wants to be alone to mull over his
diagnosis, why is he using you like a
security blanket?
A good friend would respect your feelings
too, and you are hurt and you need time to
recover from being dumped. I stand by my
earlier statement, he was bipolar before
the diagnosis and you state the
relationship was acceptable. Nothing has
changed except his diagnosis.
Have you read lynne namka's "drama
triangle revisited"? You may find it
interesting.
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geneva88
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 27 Location: san diego
Thanks Posted: 01-09-06 12:46pm
Thank you for all of your advice. I am
just thinking out loud in many of my
entires and it helps for someone to
listen. I am working on my aself right
know and if we end up together I will be
happy. If not I will accept it and move
on. Its hard to lose your best friend.
