Mental Conditions Forum - Gender Identity...

More options dec 19

identity

i have realised that I seek a masculine identity, which I am not secure of, but which is more and more significant as I grow older and desire more meaningful relationships. When I was young, I almost always fantasised being a female and connected very strongly to a feminine identity, the appearance of an angelic and beautiful woman being far more desirable for myself than an unattractive man. While I would not openly exhibit female behaviour ( e.G. Cross-dressing, playing with dolls, etc) I would engage much more easily with female friendships and engage in female-oriented activities such as co-operation. However, my psyche was not entirely shaped this way, and I experienced male traits nevertheless such as competition and exhibiting the male gender role of being active within adventure-oriented games. However, I almost always adopted mannerisms of females (not gender specific ones, but mannerisms of particular female people) and viewed femininity as positive (empathy, tenderness, caring) and masculinity as negative (aggression, lack of awareness of others' feelings, being disagreeable). I felt far more comfortable and confident within a female identity, and wished to be a girl, but was aware of my biological sex, and suppressed the fantasy from the view of any others. I knew I would grow into a man, but at a young age, such future prospects were not of great importance. This section of an article summarises certain parts of my sentiments accurately:

"some boys suffer from a chronic sense of feeling inadequate in their masculinity, but do not imitate female behaviour. These boys may exhibit an almost phobic reaction to rough-and-tumble play and an intense dislike of team sports because of poor eye-hand coordination. This inability to bond with other boys through sports leads to isolation, profound loneliness, a weak sense of masculinity, deep resentment, and often depression."

i only began to establish a certain sense of masculine identity during pubertal growth, and stopped consistent fantasising of being female, and have not exhibited traits of homosexuality (which is difficult for others to understand, as many often perceive that preferring a feminine identity connects with being homosexual). While I have a certain sense of masculinity, I cannot clearly establish that I can fully embrace being a man with male traits, as I do not feel that this is truly what forms my entire being, although biologically, what it ought to be. I still have occasional and short fantasies where I have certain mannerisms of females I admire, and often feel (especially around those particularly "masculine) more effeminate in the company of other men. Often if asked about gender, men will say "i am male, and proud of it, I wouldn't want to be a woman" and vice versa. I am unable to say that I am a man and proud of it. As previously mentioned, I viewed feminine traits often as positive, and ones I should have, and male traits as negative, even if it was not so. For example, men are psychologically "problem solvers", in a relationship or other issue; they will see a problem and try to fix it. This can be a hindrance or advantageous depending on the situation, whereas women view problems in terms of relationships between others and seek solutions in the interests of the feelings of others – such a trait is far more favourable to me. While I can accept certain male traits to a certain extent, which exist with female ones, I cannot be happy when exhibiting male traits, and often resent the fact that male traits are presented as a "problem" towards female traits. For example, if a woman says she is tired, it may be to signal that she has had a stressful day and seeks affection from the man. However, the man, as a problem solver may say "take a rest" feeling that that is what the woman ought to do. The woman is emotionally unfulfilled by not receiving the affection she desires, and the male trait is seen as the "problem", and this forms part of my subconscious thought process when I favour female traits.

I believe one major cause of exhibiting such traits is the fact that I have been unable to secure a true emotional connection with my father and view him as a role model from which I could form my own masculinity. While it has been formed to a certain extent this way, it is in no way sufficient. I have a bond of familial love and care for my father, but not the sense of connection by self-identification. Most of my identity by familial relationships was formed by my mother, being the main parent who raised me. While as a parent she can give parental love and instil values for me to be a well-rounded person, as well as providing a base for relationships with women, she cannot provide a full sense of masculine identity.

I am also aware of the fact that to be a man, one does not have to be a stereotypical macho sports fan, but can be sensitive, empathic and loving, but a sense of manliness, strength, and a certain expression of gender role is required, and is what I lack. Similarly to what the "when boys won't be boys" article states, this lack of masculinity contributes to lack of self-esteem, anxiety and difficulty in forming meaningful relationships with other males. I believe that this has also contributed to the fact that I am not attractive for romantic relationships, as for heterosexual relationships to start, a woman must be attracted to a man with male traits that will (subconsciously thought) provide the strongest children, and vice versa. As I do not have a strong masculine identity, I feel that this sense of romantic relationships is not possible, and in certain ways, I simply assume the role of another girl in a friendship with a female, although not in all ways. However, in terms of desire for romantic relationships, I wish to assume the role of a male, but have very little will or desire for dominance or a sense of self-worth to be a suitable partner. While relationships no longer need the stereotypical breadwinning protective male and submissive female, certain traits of these gender roles are still exhibited within romantic relationships, and I lack this sense of masculinity in order to create any sense of a relationship.