i am new to this forum but thought I might
be able to get some advice from people.
I have had anxiety/depression for a while
now. It just recently got worse because
I broke up with my boyfriend and am now
moving out of his house. We had been
dating almost 3 years. I felt like I was
putting more into the relationship than he
was. I asked him about marriage and he
said that maybe when he was 28 or 30; mind
you that we are going to be 24 in
february. That really upset me but I
think it all steams from him "needing his
space." he has this friend that he always
hangs out with and I get irritated about
it because they go do things together a
lot. Recently they had been hanging out
more that me and my ex. Whenever I say
anything about it to him he just pushes
more and more. We have fought and fought
about it and I was tired of it. It was
my decision to move out but he said that
he thinks it is the best thing for us to
do. He wanted to stay boyfriend-
girlfriend and try and work things out.
I have a really hard time with that
because I put my heart and soul into the
relationship and our home. (he owns the
house) I am now living back with my
parents and I am really depressed that I
do not have my own space. I am trying to
get a place but intend to go to school at
the end of february to take an esthetician
class. The class is only 15 weeks long
but that is a long time to live with the
parents.
So he wants me to move and wants to stay
together but I think that it is too much
for me to go back to my old home and "not
live there." on top of that, he is having
his friend (that I talked about above)
move in for the rent money. I just have
no idea what to do. I know he loves me
but he is so afraid of commitment. I
just talked to him the first time today
since christmas. He has called me the
last 2 nights about midnight. He left a
voicemail both times saying he misses me
and he was thinking about me. Today I
finally called him back, he was a little
short with me. I am not sure why, maybe
because I ignored him for a couple
days???
A couple weeks ago that his dad told him a
long time ago that he will not get to have
as much fun when he is married. I am not
sure where him and his father get these
corrupt images of marriage but it has
really taken a tole on me.
I am sorry this is so long, I just don't
know what to do. Thanks for listening.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Mandrew222
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mandrew222
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Cottonwood
Posted: 12-29-05 13:42pm
Anyone going through this or has been
through this? Anyone want to talk?
I can't really give an exact advise, but
i'll just say how guys mostly think
concerning relations with a partner vs
relations with friends. Maybe what I say
won't help you at all, maybe it'll be
great help. Please don't yell at me if my
comment sucks.
Anyway.
I think I am similar to your boyfriend: I
need my space.
I cannot put myself 100% into a
relationship. I know I do love my
girlfriend, I am kind to her and I am very
happy with her; but I can't be with her
24/7. I need some variations, some pure
guy-only behaviour I only can have with my
best friend. And even if my girlfriend is
100% like my best friend, I doubt that it
would feel the same. I can't replace my
best friend with her and I can't replace
her with my best friend. It's like
ying-yang. We need both.
Don't get upset about a boyfriend having
fun with his friend. He's not meaning he
doesn't like you.
Ps: i'm not trying to piss you or anything
but it helps to make shorter messages with
more paragraphes. Most of the readers
won't bother reading such a long message
you know ;-)
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mandrew222
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Cottonwood
Posted: 12-29-05 19:17pm
Thanks a lot for the response, I really
appreciate it. I know that he needs his
guy time, that is not a problem but it has
been so much time lately. Him telling me
that he probably did not want to get
married until he was 28 or 30 was the last
straw. I want to be starting a family in
2-3 years. I am willing to wait for him
but that is a little extreme considering
we have already been together 3 years.
And that is another4-6 years away...
I really love him and want to be with him
but I can't right now. I am moving out
and it is such a drastic change. I am
giving him all the space he could ask for.
I have not really called him but will
call him back when he calls me. I talked
to him today on the phone; I had a client
come in so I had to go. He said no. He
did not want me to get off the phone with
him. I think that is the 1st time he has
ever wanted me to stay on the phone with
him that I can remember. Usually he does
not want to talk on the phone.
I hope that eventually we will be on the
same level. Why do guys like the
challenge so much????
Marriage is an enormous responsibility.
Well I mean it sure make people hesitate a
bit, as marriage is stereotyped with less
freedom, boredom, trouble etc. I do not
think that way, I say it depends on the
relationship and on its values. Although,
I know I will wait and think a while
before doing this. It's not decidable in
a few days, in my optinion.
---info: warning: I don't know your
boyfriend. So from here and below I
cannot garantee that what I say is
correct and reliable! Here below is
mainly on my own thoughts. Thank you.---
anyway, as you know, men have a slower
maturity as women. So it's normal that a
boyfriend at 24 may freak a bit about
marriage. Unfortunately, this won't help
the situation about you wanting and him
waiting.
Maybe he puts less importance into
marriage as you do ? He does love you but
the image of marriage is maybe disturbing
to him. Maybe with time he'll do it, just
not now, I think his mind isn't really
into it. D'ont pressure him too much,
this could have negative side-effects
against you.
Again, I cannot garantee that this is
correct, but that's probably how i'd
feel.
Sk.
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shella bella
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jun 2005 Posts: 10
Posted: 12-30-05 06:45am
Hi s_kalb,
remember me from the other topic on"
asking god to let me die?"
it is so nice to have you on the ehealth
forum. I feel you are a great help to
many people who are reaching out with
their problems.
It's funny as when I first saw your post
on the other topic, I assumed you were a
female, because of your nurturing advice
that is so detailed, which are often said
about females. Its like you really
understand how a person feels, let alone a
woman.
Just from talking to you, I feel that you
are a beautiful person, and I can see why
anyone could easily fall inlove with you.
By the way, you've made me laugh with your
last post after I had discovered that
the user's name "no one" and "no hope"
had caused me confusion.
I liked when you said "oh my ford, I think
im going to leave this discussion. This
is getting too complicated." lol
Mandrew: finally, did you take the
decision to stay boyfriend-girlfriend ?
I understand that you are embarassed to
have gotten back to your parents, but as
parents i'm sure they understand that you
need them.
I don't think it is bad to be bf-gf and
not live in the same house. I know a
couple (7 years together already) of which
they sleep in different rooms and still
have a very healthy relationship. Looks
childish but at least they don't querrel
about the other's smell or whirr...
Okay, it's not the same. But that's the
closest example I found around me.
It sure sucks that you are not inside the
house anymore and that he's apparently not
ready for marriage. And I don't want to
scare you but as long as he doesn't want
to, I don't think you will be able to
convince him.
Apparently his dad gave him a bad image of
marriage just because of a personal
experience, but if I think it's silly from
his son to have believed that because
every couple is not 100% the same; the
feelings, the persons, the past and the
activites are not the same either. And
it's not because one father is a divorced
man that the son will defenately divorce
too. Identical persons do not exist.
Anyway, philosophy aside: did something
advance lately ? A call ?
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mandrew222
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Cottonwood
Posted: 12-30-05 13:25pm
I totally understand what you are saying.
Men and women are totally different
creatures.
He has called me a couple times but I have
not called him. I will call him back if
he calls but never initiate it. My
counselor told me that I need to not
initiate anything. It has been really
hard but he is getting his space like he
wanted.
He told me that he just wanted to just
hear my voice yesturday when I talked to
him on the phone. Other than that
nothing new has happened.
I have been going out with my guy friends
a lot lately. It has been fun but I hate
being single. I love to have that
someone that is always there for you.
I would love to get back with my ex but it
is too hard right now.... He needs to
know that I am not going to always be
there when I am treated poorly. Maybe he
will come around after a while. He has
told me before that he thinks he might be
making the worst mistake of his life.
he needs to know that I am
not going to always be there when I am
treated
poorly.
i totally agree.
Although, don't puch him back too hard
when he makes a first step.
You can be sure of yourself because he did
the mistake and you are the victim, but
don't assault him with a bazooka either...
If he makes a first step, see what he
offers, but don't spit on it.
Again (yes I know, I am boring), it is
what i would feel in this situation
and I cannot guarantee that it
would end up the good way if you follow my
thoughts.
(to any member: this is a great and fairly
simple book about differences between man
and woman: "men come from mars, women come
from venus" (by john gray) very
interesting. Highly recommended)
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mandrew222
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 5 Location: Cottonwood
Posted: 01-02-06 17:45pm
Yeah, I understand. I hope that
everything works out in the end because I
love him more than anything. I truely
think we are meant to be together. Love
is blind and I tried to look past the
problems. Thanks for all the great
advice.
