Depression Forum - Break Up....

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Q: Break Up....

asked by: mandrew222 on December 28th, 2005

New User

Hello:

i am new to this forum but thought I might be able to get some advice from people. I have had anxiety/depression for a while now. It just recently got worse because I broke up with my boyfriend and am now moving out of his house. We had been dating almost 3 years. I felt like I was putting more into the relationship than he was. I asked him about marriage and he said that maybe when he was 28 or 30; mind you that we are going to be 24 in february. That really upset me but I think it all steams from him "needing his space." he has this friend that he always hangs out with and I get irritated about it because they go do things together a lot. Recently they had been hanging out more that me and my ex. Whenever I say anything about it to him he just pushes more and more. We have fought and fought about it and I was tired of it. It was my decision to move out but he said that he thinks it is the best thing for us to do. He wanted to stay boyfriend- girlfriend and try and work things out. I have a really hard time with that because I put my heart and soul into the relationship and our home. (he owns the house) I am now living back with my parents and I am really depressed that I do not have my own space. I am trying to get a place but intend to go to school at the end of february to take an esthetician class. The class is only 15 weeks long but that is a long time to live with the parents.

So he wants me to move and wants to stay together but I think that it is too much for me to go back to my old home and "not live there." on top of that, he is having his friend (that I talked about above) move in for the rent money. I just have no idea what to do. I know he loves me but he is so afraid of commitment. I just talked to him the first time today since christmas. He has called me the last 2 nights about midnight. He left a voicemail both times saying he misses me and he was thinking about me. Today I finally called him back, he was a little short with me. I am not sure why, maybe because I ignored him for a couple days???

A couple weeks ago that his dad told him a long time ago that he will not get to have as much fun when he is married. I am not sure where him and his father get these corrupt images of marriage but it has really taken a tole on me.

I am sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Mandrew222

Replies(10)

mandrew222

replied on December 29th, 2005

New User

Anyone going through this or has been through this? Anyone want to talk?

s_kalb

replied on December 29th, 2005

Experienced User

Hello, i'm a guy.

I can't really give an exact advise, but i'll just say how guys mostly think concerning relations with a partner vs relations with friends. Maybe what I say won't help you at all, maybe it'll be great help. Please don't yell at me if my comment sucks.

Anyway.

I think I am similar to your boyfriend: I need my space.

I cannot put myself 100% into a relationship. I know I do love my girlfriend, I am kind to her and I am very happy with her; but I can't be with her 24/7. I need some variations, some pure guy-only behaviour I only can have with my best friend. And even if my girlfriend is 100% like my best friend, I doubt that it would feel the same. I can't replace my best friend with her and I can't replace her with my best friend. It's like ying-yang. We need both.

Don't get upset about a boyfriend having fun with his friend. He's not meaning he doesn't like you.

Ps: i'm not trying to piss you or anything but it helps to make shorter messages with more paragraphes. Most of the readers won't bother reading such a long message you know ;-)

mandrew222

replied on December 29th, 2005

New User

Thanks a lot for the response, I really appreciate it. I know that he needs his guy time, that is not a problem but it has been so much time lately. Him telling me that he probably did not want to get married until he was 28 or 30 was the last straw. I want to be starting a family in 2-3 years. I am willing to wait for him but that is a little extreme considering we have already been together 3 years. And that is another4-6 years away...

I really love him and want to be with him but I can't right now. I am moving out and it is such a drastic change. I am giving him all the space he could ask for. I have not really called him but will call him back when he calls me. I talked to him today on the phone; I had a client come in so I had to go. He said no. He did not want me to get off the phone with him. I think that is the 1st time he has ever wanted me to stay on the phone with him that I can remember. Usually he does not want to talk on the phone.

I hope that eventually we will be on the same level. Why do guys like the challenge so much????

s_kalb

replied on December 30th, 2005

Experienced User

Marriage is an enormous responsibility. Well I mean it sure make people hesitate a bit, as marriage is stereotyped with less freedom, boredom, trouble etc. I do not think that way, I say it depends on the relationship and on its values. Although, I know I will wait and think a while before doing this. It's not decidable in a few days, in my optinion.

---info: warning: I don't know your boyfriend. So from here and below I cannot garantee that what I say is correct and reliable! Here below is mainly on my own thoughts. Thank you.---

anyway, as you know, men have a slower maturity as women. So it's normal that a boyfriend at 24 may freak a bit about marriage. Unfortunately, this won't help the situation about you wanting and him waiting.

Maybe he puts less importance into marriage as you do ? He does love you but the image of marriage is maybe disturbing to him. Maybe with time he'll do it, just not now, I think his mind isn't really into it. D'ont pressure him too much, this could have negative side-effects against you.

Again, I cannot garantee that this is correct, but that's probably how i'd feel.

Sk.

shella bella

replied on December 30th, 2005

New User

Hi s_kalb,

remember me from the other topic on" asking god to let me die?"

it is so nice to have you on the ehealth forum. I feel you are a great help to many people who are reaching out with their problems.

It's funny as when I first saw your post on the other topic, I assumed you were a female, because of your nurturing advice that is so detailed, which are often said about females. Its like you really understand how a person feels, let alone a woman.

Just from talking to you, I feel that you are a beautiful person, and I can see why anyone could easily fall inlove with you.

By the way, you've made me laugh with your last post after I had discovered that the user's name "no one" and "no hope" had caused me confusion.

I liked when you said "oh my ford, I think im going to leave this discussion. This is getting too complicated." lol

shella bella

s_kalb

replied on December 30th, 2005

Experienced User

Thanks shella ! (see pm for more comments ;-) )

back to topic.

Mandrew: finally, did you take the decision to stay boyfriend-girlfriend ?

I understand that you are embarassed to have gotten back to your parents, but as parents i'm sure they understand that you need them.

I don't think it is bad to be bf-gf and not live in the same house. I know a couple (7 years together already) of which they sleep in different rooms and still have a very healthy relationship. Looks childish but at least they don't querrel about the other's smell or whirr... Okay, it's not the same. But that's the closest example I found around me.

It sure sucks that you are not inside the house anymore and that he's apparently not ready for marriage. And I don't want to scare you but as long as he doesn't want to, I don't think you will be able to convince him.

Apparently his dad gave him a bad image of marriage just because of a personal experience, but if I think it's silly from his son to have believed that because every couple is not 100% the same; the feelings, the persons, the past and the activites are not the same either. And it's not because one father is a divorced man that the son will defenately divorce too. Identical persons do not exist.

Anyway, philosophy aside: did something advance lately ? A call ?

mandrew222

replied on December 30th, 2005

New User

I totally understand what you are saying. Men and women are totally different creatures.

He has called me a couple times but I have not called him. I will call him back if he calls but never initiate it. My counselor told me that I need to not initiate anything. It has been really hard but he is getting his space like he wanted.

He told me that he just wanted to just hear my voice yesturday when I talked to him on the phone. Other than that nothing new has happened.

I have been going out with my guy friends a lot lately. It has been fun but I hate being single. I love to have that someone that is always there for you.

I would love to get back with my ex but it is too hard right now.... He needs to know that I am not going to always be there when I am treated poorly. Maybe he will come around after a while. He has told me before that he thinks he might be making the worst mistake of his life.

Anyways, thanks for the chat. It really helps...

s_kalb

replied on December 30th, 2005

Experienced User

mandrew222 wrote:

he needs to know that I am not going to always be there when I am treated poorly.

i totally agree.

Although, don't puch him back too hard when he makes a first step.

You can be sure of yourself because he did the mistake and you are the victim, but don't assault him with a bazooka either... If he makes a first step, see what he offers, but don't spit on it.

Again (yes I know, I am boring), it is what i would feel in this situation and I cannot guarantee that it would end up the good way if you follow my thoughts.

(to any member: this is a great and fairly simple book about differences between man and woman: "men come from mars, women come from venus" (by john gray) very interesting. Highly recommended)

mandrew222

replied on January 2nd, 2006

New User

Yeah, I understand. I hope that everything works out in the end because I love him more than anything. I truely think we are meant to be together. Love is blind and I tried to look past the problems. Thanks for all the great advice.

Mandrew222

s_kalb

replied on January 2nd, 2006

Experienced User

I truely hope too.

Don't worry about the advice, were are here for that. Cheers.

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