I've been in a relationship with my
boyfriend for a year. While first getting
to know him he told me that he had been in
some trouble with the law in the past and
had spent some time in jail. I saw past
this and eventually fell in love with him.
Since then he has once again gotten in
trouble with the law and faces up to 2
years in jail. All his run-ins with the
cops and such have all had something to do
with alcohol. At first it didn't occur to
me that he may be a problem drinker
because I never really saw him drink. We
are now living together and I see more now
that I didn't see then.
He says he wants to quit and actually do
something with his life, and I believe he
can, and I try to help him in any way that
I can. He's in counselling, and has a
good full-time job. He does well for
about a week or so then he gets really
moody and snaps on me for no reason. Just
today he told me that since I had some
fast food for dinner he was going out
drinking tonight. Its almost like hes
trying to blame it on me that he wants to
drink. It doesn't help either that all
his friends here are into alcohol too
(living in a small city most of the people
our age do it frequently). Im getting to
the point where I just don't know if I can
take it anymore. I love the guy to death,
but it just brings me down further and
further every time he relapses. Im just
afraid that if I leave him he's going to
go back to the way he was before I met him
(drinking for days straight, blacking out,
etc). His mother is constantly telling me
how much of a difference she sees in him
since I came into his life, and I guess I
don't want to let her down either. Do I
continue to think about ways to help him?
Or do I think about me and break up with
him (who by the way I believe to be the
love of my life) and feel the guilt of it
for a long time to come?
I guess what im looking for by posting
this is maybe some guidance as to what I
could do in my situation. Thanks to all
who reads and posts here.
|
sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 12-28-05 15:18pm
If he abuses you, physically or mentally,
leave him, move on, you can do better. I
have been with an alchoholic and a drug
addict before and even went to the classes
on how to live with one, I am married to a
man now that does not do drugs and rarely
has a drink, and it is soo much better,
sure we have our little problems but it is
just that we are two different people.
Just remember if you are not happy, you
are the only one that can change it and he
has to want to change himself, you cannot
do it for him.
Good luck to you!
Keep us posted!
We are here for you!
|
hartattack00
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 4 Location: PA
Alcoholism Posted: 01-11-06 05:49am
I am a recovering alcoholic, just over 2
years. Aa is the absolute deciding factor
in my recovery, but I had to make the
decision to do it. I'll never forget
looking in that mirror and telling myself
it was time. I used to be thankful for
that beer after work every day, now I am
thankful for each day without a beer, and
life has done nothing but continue to
improve. Remember, if he is willing,
there is a way. And your support could
make a lot of differance, many people
bring their spoouses along to meetings,
and everyone benefits. I wish you all the
best and all the happiness you can find
through his recovery, it works, gd
bless.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a
mystery, today is a gift because it is the
present.
|
doubtful
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 78
Posted: 01-14-06 21:13pm
I need to know how to deal with someone
being an alcoholic. I know that
addictions counsellors all say that its a
disease. To me this just sounds like an
excuse. What do I do when my boyfriend
spends his paycheck in one night at the
bar (and gambling too)? He says he is
trying to quit, but goes "crazy" (almost
like he h.A.S. To go out and drink when
he has some money) when pay day rolls
around. I like to think that he's giving
it his all, but always end up thinking
that he could do better when he gives in.
Is there something I can do to help him?
He says there isn't. I just feel so
helpless. Friends have suggested that we
get a joint account where I have all the
access to his money, and just give him
some when he wants it, so he has money to
last him until his next pay day. He got
mad at me when I mentioned it, and said
that he might as well be a little kid
again.
Am I supposed to be understanding about
him coming home drunk?
Am I supposed to shrug it off when he
snaps at me for no reason?
If it were totally up to me and most of my
family, I would just give up... But I
can't do that to the guy I k.N.O.W. Im
supposed to be with. Any help
appreciated.
|
hartattack00
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 4 Location: PA
Wife of An Alcoholic Posted: 01-15-06 17:20pm
This is the wife of hartattack00. I want
to say if there is hope and help out
there,there is a chance. It tolk alot
for him to quit drinking. It almost
wrecked our marrage. But he inrolled in
angermanagement and aa and is still
holding on 2 and half years. Everyday is
a milestone and a day to rejoice. It
really takes the whole family to make it
but they have to want it as much as you do
or it is a lost cause. Take care and
leave panflets all over the house.
|
vinnyutd6899
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Jan 2006 Posts: 1 Location: uk
Posted: 01-28-06 21:57pm
doubtful
wrote:
i need to know how to deal
with someone being an alcoholic. I know
that addictions counsellors all say that
its a disease. To me this just sounds
like an excuse. What do I do when my
boyfriend spends his paycheck in one night
at the bar (and gambling too)? He says
he is trying to quit, but goes "crazy"
(almost like he h.A.S. To go out and
drink when he has some money) when pay day
rolls around. I like to think that he's
giving it his all, but always end up
thinking that he could do better when he
gives in. Is there something I can do to
help him? He says there isn't. I just
feel so helpless. Friends have suggested
that we get a joint account where I have
all the access to his money, and just give
him some when he wants it, so he has money
to last him until his next pay day. He
got mad at me when I mentioned it, and
said that he might as well be a little kid
again.
Am I supposed to be understanding about
him coming home drunk?
Am I supposed to shrug it off when he
snaps at me for no reason?
If it were totally up to me and most of my
family, I would just give up... But I
can't do that to the guy I k.N.O.W. Im
supposed to be with. Any help
appreciated.
when I give up drink some time ago I was
on my knees! I had lost everyone in my
life I had pushed most away and the rest
had had enough!
And I hated each and every one of them
with a passion for the way they were
treating me, it was always poor me dont u
know what I am going threw, but today 32
months down the line I thank my higer
power everyday that they did leave me,
they left me alone in my flat covered in
piss and caca, it was the best thing they
could ever of done for me cos I know today
all they were doing for me before was
enableing me to carry on drinking! It
wasent untill there was no one there to
clean me up, feed me, make sure I dident
fall over, make sure the cooker was off,
make sure the front door was closed, make
sure I got to bed at night it was only
after they had all gone I realized what
trouble I was in, it took 6 months of the
worst drinking I had ever done to get to
the jumping off point, my rock bottom and
reach out and ask for help! If all those
people that had looked after me for years
and enabled me to drink would of stayed
around then maybe I would not of stoped
drinking when I did! I got most of the
people I had pushed away back after a
while and today im the happyest I have
ever been its not been easy and even today
I struggle with life but thats just life
everyone has problems it dont mean I have
to drink to solve them!! This is just my
experience I am sharing with u, take from
it what u want and anything u dont want
just disregard! Good luck!
|
ciji26
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 10 Feb 2006 Posts: 1
Been There Posted: 02-10-06 15:25pm
Hi doubtful,
oh it hurts doesn't it? The love of your
life is perfect for you in everyway except
when he drinks or tries to make excuses
for his drinking behavior. I just left
my boyfriend of 6 months because of his
problem drinking. And yes, the more you
nag them the more agitated they will get
at you.
Is this problem consuming you? I know it
was consuming me. I was bending over
backwards to get him to see the light.
When I realized that it was causing me
tremendous stress and anxiety, especially
when we went out together to parties and
whatnot, I knew I had to leave the
relationship. Beyond that, I found him
threatening when he did drink.
It was a painful decision. What will
happen if I leave him? I was consumed
with guilt. Especially the last time I
saw him when his drinking caused him to
get into a bad situation where he actually
ended up getting jumped and beaten up. It
was torture.
I actually read a great book called
"codependency no more" by melodie beattie.
You should look it up. It actually
will give you some great insight. The
truth is we have no power to change the
person we love. We can only change
ourselves. Their decision to stay clean
has to come from within. If they change
for you, it will just lead to resentment.
It takes a lot to for an alcoholic to
break down and realize they need help.
With my boyfriend, me breaking up with
him, and him getting jumped, and some
other previous events in his life has
finally at least got him to link alcohol
to bad things happening to him. It helps
me to think maybe I actually helped him by
letting him go.
But I know he is just at the beginning
stages of recovery. He still doesn't
think he is an alcoholic and he still
thinks he will be able to quit on his own
cold turkey. I just couldn't do it
anymore. Anyway, you might want to also
seek out alanon for more information as
well. And remember you are your first
priority, not him.
Best of luck to you.
|
doubtful
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 78
Posted: 02-14-06 17:25pm
Thanks for everyones replies. Things have
been going alright lately. The last time
he drank (and got drunk) was about 4 weeks
ago. I let him know that I wasn't
sticking with him anymore if this is what
was going to happen all the time. He
knows that he has a problem, and I guess
me saying that I wasn't taking it anymore
made something click in his head. He told
me that he doesn't want to lose me, and
would try and get help. While I know this
isn't a for sure thing, its a start, and I
have the most confidence in him. He might
only have a week left with me, his
sentencing (he got into some trouble with
the law back in 2004 that also had to do
with drinking) is next wednesday. There
is the possibility that he could end up in
jail for 3 years... We're hoping for the
best. Until then we're just going to make
the best of what little time we may have
left with each other. Once again, thanks
for all your replies.
I'm so glad I found this site. So many of
your posts are exactly what i'm going
through right now. I've been with my
boyfriend for almost 5 months. Not very
long, but long enough. I really care
about him, really love him, yet he's
drinking and smoking his life away. I
used to be into drinking. But an almost
near-death booze experience scared me into
sobriety. I don't chastise him for
drinking. I don't do it with my friends
either. I'm not holier than thou.
However, he goes to the bar almost every
day of the week. I was actually surprised
that he wasn't there today. :? A few
drinks here and there doesn't hurt. But
when he goes out on monday, tuesday,
wednesday, maybe skip a day, and then go
out on the weekend. . .Uggggh!! It's
soooo aggravating!! And I always hear the
same thing over and over "i have no desire
to drink. I just need to get out of the
house." yet I talk to him a few hours
later and he's drunk.
The thing that kills me is that he's
epileptic. So drinking too much can cause
seizures for him. Or it causes anxiety
which spawns seizures. And when he drinks
he's smokes more which is worsening a
cough he's developed. God, I sound like
his mother. . .
But it just annoys me. He goes out by
himself, drinking. Always drinking. I
shouldv'e expected this when we met -- at
a bar. But i've changed now. I'm staying
sober. And like some of your posts
stated, you can't change him. They have
to want to change. But it's hard to
accept that. And I start to cry when I
think about ending it with him. But
that's what i'm going to have to do. I
love him but i'm worn out.
Thanks for letting me rant.
|
shadowalker164
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 175 Location: Tampa, FL
Posted: 03-13-06 09:50am
Artmonkey, welcome.
I was going to answer your post, but you
did as good a job of doing that as can be
done in your last paragraph.
Take your own advice sugar, and let the
things you can’t change go.
We attract what we are. When you were
drinking, you attracted him. Now that you
are sober, if you let yourself, you will
attract a different kind of guy.
At any rate, welcome
richard
|
artmonkey83
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Mar 2006 Posts: 3 Location: Wyoming
Glad to Be Here Posted: 03-13-06 19:27pm
Thanks for the welcome richard.
I'm still really torn about breaking up
with him. I know I need to do it but he
reallly is a great guy. I left a message
on his phone last night and will talk to
him today. Wish me luck!
Meredith
|
reauxmarie
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Mar 2006 Posts: 2
What to Do?!? Posted: 03-24-06 12:51pm
I am so glad I stumbled upon this site.
I have a problem thats very similar to the
others on this site and I was very glad to
realize that I am not alone!
I have a boyfriend of eight months who I
believe is an alcoholic. He is not
abusive, however he drinks at least 5-6
nights a week, several of those nights he
comes home drunk. He has a dwi right now
and cannot drive his car. To me it seems
that he feels like he has to drink to have
a good time, though he denies this to the
death.
He has had a rough relationship with his
family, which is a terribly long story...
But no history of alcoholism. (no abuse
either).
When I discuss his drinking with him, he
either tells me he enjoys drinking and
thats not a problem, or he'll say
something like "you knew this was how I
was when you started dating me." the
issue here is that he is 26 years old and
didnt touch booze at all till he was 21.
He had a rough breakup a while back that
started some very heavy drinking, and to
his credit, he has gotten much better
since then....However, to me its still a
problem.
He claims I only have the problem with his
drinking because I dont drink often (maybe
2-3 times a month) and that my parents
never drank, so basically saying that im
just a prude. I dont think thats quite
the case.
My question to all of you is that how can
you help someone who is in denial? He
loves me very much, and has expressed that
every day for the last eight months. I
love him very much as well, and I can see
myself marrying him in the near future,
except for this problem. I cannot put
myself in the situation where I will marry
someone who has a problem like this.
Perhaps that sounds harsh, but I grew up
in a verbally abusive household and I do
not want my children to be exposed to
alcoholism.
He's a very smart man who I love so much,
and I want things to work out for us, but
this is the one issue we are butting heads
on. He (of course) denies any problem
and thinks nothings wrong. Part of me
wants to believe him and think that maybe
once we get married and have kids that he
will stop drinking like this (because he
says he only does it cause he doesnt have
those responsibilities) but the other part
screams that im going to fall sucker for
that, and marry him and be stuck! I dont
know what I should do. I will do
anything to help him if I can, but I know
he has to want to change. My question
is, should I stick with this man that I
love so much and try to make things
work....Or should I get out now, before
its too late?? Help!!!
|
artmonkey83
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 13 Mar 2006 Posts: 3 Location: Wyoming
So Similar. . . Posted: 03-24-06 13:43pm
Hi, reauxmarie (did I get your screenname
right?),
you and I are in such a similar situation.
It's almost surreal as to how similar.
I've been dating my boyfriend for six
months. And though the last post I wrote
mentioned I was going to break up with
him, I couldn't. I love him too much and
he's too good of a guy.
But yeah, my boyfriend is in denial too.
After talking to him one night (i bawled
and bawled) I just sort of became numb. I
realized that maybe he didn't have a
problem. He was only having one or two
drinks a night, right?
Turns out he was drinking way more than
that. Just last night he went to the bar
(alone, as always) and came to my place
pretty drunk. I could just smell the
booze on him. This usually wouldn't worry
me so much except he's epileptic and
drinking in the past has caused many
seizures for him. That was the one thing
I was trying to argue with him "don't
drink, it'll cause seizures." but in the
month that he just started going to the
bars, he hadn't had a seizure. Until the
other morning. And then, there's last
night.
Last night was almost a nightmare. I
wanted him to spend the night, so he came
over. Unfortunately I just have a twin
bed but we'd both doze off. Then i'd feel
him shaking. He had three seizures in his
sleep. Three!! Then the worst thing
happened this morning around 9:00. He had
a grand mal seizure. I've never seen
anything like it. I thought he was going
to die. The image just won't get out of
my head.
He blames the anti-epileptic medicine and
the little sleep. I blame that and the
drinking. . .Yet, he's still in denial
about that.
This is an aggravating battle. I've told
him I love him and want to help him, but
it never seems to sink in. Maybe, just
maybe, it will this time.
Have strength, marie. That's all I can
say to you.
Meredith
|
reauxmarie
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Mar 2006 Posts: 2
Posted: 03-26-06 13:20pm
Thank you meredith. It helps to know that
you're not alone in this. Recovery is
not only difficult for the addict, but
those around him as well. I wish you
strength and happiness in your journey!
God bless- rose
|
robert1980
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Mar 2006 Posts: 7 Location: UK
Posted: 03-30-06 15:28pm
Hi there, im a recovering alcoholic. I
tried everything to stop drinking, seeing
dr's counsellers, taking meds, you name it
I tried it. I do not know how my partner
put up with all the crap that went with
it. I was never violent towards her, just
unreliable and untrustworthy. There is
help out there, if your boyfriend wants
help that is. Until I wanted to stop- I
did not stop, people have been telling me
I am an alcoholic since I was a teen but I
just thought they were boring. I went to
a.A and that sorted my problem and I have
not had a drink in nearly two years. I am
going back to uni this sept and plan on
getting married. It is up to you how you
run your life, but willingness is the key,
if your fella is willing, there is hope.
|
rinsha
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 17 May 2006 Posts: 305 Location: Alabama
Re: Alcoholic Boyfriend Posted: 05-23-06 12:24pm
doubtful
wrote:
i've been in a relationship
with my boyfriend for a year. While
first getting to know him he told me that
he had been in some trouble with the law
in the past and had spent some time in
jail. I saw past this and eventually
fell in love with him. Since then he has
once again gotten in trouble with the law
and faces up to 2 years in jail. All his
run-ins with the cops and such have all
had something to do with alcohol. At
first it didn't occur to me that he may be
a problem drinker because I never really
saw him drink. We are now living
together and I see more now that I didn't
see then.
He says he wants to quit and actually do
something with his life, and I believe he
can, and I try to help him in any way that
I can. He's in counselling, and has a
good full-time job. He does well for
about a week or so then he gets really
moody and snaps on me for no reason.
Just today he told me that since I had
some fast food for dinner he was going out
drinking tonight. Its almost like hes
trying to blame it on me that he wants to
drink. It doesn't help either that all
his friends here are into alcohol too
(living in a small city most of the people
our age do it frequently). Im getting to
the point where I just don't know if I can
take it anymore. I love the guy to
death, but it just brings me down further
and further every time he relapses. Im
just afraid that if I leave him he's going
to go back to the way he was before I met
him (drinking for days straight, blacking
out, etc). His mother is constantly
telling me how much of a difference she
sees in him since I came into his life,
and I guess I don't want to let her down
either. Do I continue to think about
ways to help him? Or do I think about me
and break up with him (who by the way I
believe to be the love of my life) and
feel the guilt of it for a long time to
come?
I guess what im looking for by posting
this is maybe some guidance as to what I
could do in my situation. Thanks to all
who reads and posts
here.
this doesn't sound good at all. First off
it sounds as if your getting mentally
abused. If he is already blaming you for
things then whats next? Physical abuse
will eventually happen if he is already
making you feel down about yourself. He
is causing you to have low self esteem.
Thats not good.
You said he was having mood swings too,
well he could have a really bad mood swing
one day and hurt you really bad. It
sounds like this guy could be dangerous.
I know you said you love him, and the best
thing I could tell you is to try and sit
him down and talk with him. And try to
explain it to him, that you are concerned
and worried about his drinking. Offer to
get help aa meetings, rehab anything.
And as for his mother maybe you need to
speak with her and let her know you are
worried and explain how he is acting.
Don't blame yourself for his actions. No
one can make another person's decissions.
You said he has been in jail before, and
it seems like to me he hasn't learned from
his mistakes. But do not blame yourself,
think of all the positive things in your
relationship that you two have
accomplished together. :)
good luck and I hope everything works out.
|
sadandfrustrated
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Feb 2007 Posts: 1
Posted: 02-11-07 11:47am
These situations sound so familiar to my
life. So to anyone in a similar
situation, I hope you have better luck
than I. I could not stay any longer and
saw the life long implications it could
hold for me. If anyone has any
suggestions on how to get rid of the anger
that I have inside towards alcohol and
drinking, please respond. I truly love
him, but was fearful of the future and
couldn't stay any longer.
Last edited by sadandfrustrated on 05-02-07 20:24pm; edited 2 times in total
|
supporter11
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3
Alcoholic Boyfriend Posted: 03-05-07 22:46pm
It sounds like I am in the same boat as
many of you. I have known my friend for
over 7 years. We had a brief relationship
4 years ago and he broke it off. I am
divorced he is almost. I saw him in
December and realized he was in bad shape.
Then he called and said he was quitting,
going to AA and all that. We started
meeting in neutral places for something to
eat, talked on the phone daily and went
dancing 3 times. We have a lot in common,
mostly our music. This past week, he was
released from a job for what I now think
were not true reasons. We met in a neutral
place on Saturday. I just got into his car
to drive a block to a restaurant and the
police showed up. I asked if he had been
drinking and he said no. Well, the field
sobriety test showed other wise. He also
told me he didn't have the results of the
breathilizer test but tonight he told me
what his level was-.159, legal is under
.8. He was 3 weeks short of the end of
his probation from first DUI. He is the
perfect person for me I thought-so much in
common, great communication on everything
but the drinking. I suspected he had
started up again-I have a good nose on me
but didn't want to believe it. I wanted
him to succeed this time and he told me he
was doing great on the anti craving meds
but in reality he had days where he didn't
take the pill on purpose. I don't want to
stop seeing him but for me I have to. I
see a real change in him from the person I
knew 7 years ago-he now repeats himself,
tells me things he told me the day before.
He is looking for ways out of his arrest
and has a good attorney. It is always
someone else fault he gets released from
jobs as a free lance musicina but things
are piling up and if it were me I would be
terribly upset. Seven years ago he was
drinking then too, but not as heavily. He
has lost one job and now will lose his
license for a longer period of time and go
to jail. I told him I don't know how I can
ever trust him again. I know he won't tell
me the whole truth. But just the fact that
he was going to drive me in his car while
he was almost twice the legal limit was a
scarey thing, a real wake up call for me,
even if it was one block. I took him home
from the police station and noticed a
martini shaker in his kitchen. He told me
he had no alcohol in his house but .......
I hate to not see him again but he needs
to go into in house treatment. I have been
putting my feelings on hold for him just
in case. I couldn't fall in love with him
again with all this uncertainty. I don't
want to drop him in his hour of need but
it isn't fair to me. My x was a heavy beer
drinker and I don't want to do it again
but I hate to abandon him but I can't make
a difference. What do you think out
there?
C
|
natasha9
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 09 Mar 2007 Posts: 1
Take Care of Yourself Posted: 03-09-07 21:19pm
I have been where most of you have been,
and I left, I also left the friendship
that I promised him after we "broke up."
Even a friendship was enabling him to
continue the lying and drinking. The
lying will never stop until the drinking
stops. I was sick of everyday excuses he
used to drink, most of which were "lies."
I was tired of the blame. I was tired of
thinking I could ever change him, that I
could help him see the truth and realize
that he is a worthy person who can do
this, I couldn't convince him, I still
can't so I had to leave. He has to do it
on his own, completely on his own now,
otherwise he won't do it. It is a harsh
thing to do to leave him, but it was
killing me....Physically, emotionally and
spritually. I was like all of you, "he's
the love of my life," except for when he
drinks. Well the drinking is EVERYTHING,
not just a small slight problem in the
relationship. I couldn't stop him from
drinking when we were together, and I
still can't. I accept that now. I can't
let myself get hurt anymore. Don't let it
hurt you, take care of yourself!!!!!!!
|
DPantelones
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 11 Jan 2007 Posts: 141 Location: ,
Thanks: 0
Thanked:1
Posted: 03-14-07 14:51pm
doubtful
wrote:
I need to know how to deal
with someone being an alcoholic. I know
that addictions counsellors all say that
its a disease. To me this just sounds
like an excuse. What do I do when my
boyfriend spends his paycheck in one night
at the bar (and gambling too)? He says he
is trying to quit, but goes "crazy"
(almost like he h.A.S. To go out and
drink when he has some money) when pay day
rolls around. I like to think that he's
giving it his all, but always end up
thinking that he could do better when he
gives in. Is there something I can do to
help him? He says there isn't. I just
feel so helpless. Friends have suggested
that we get a joint account where I have
all the access to his money, and just give
him some when he wants it, so he has money
to last him until his next pay day. He
got mad at me when I mentioned it, and
said that he might as well be a little kid
again.
Am I supposed to be understanding about
him coming home drunk?
Am I supposed to shrug it off when he
snaps at me for no reason?
If it were totally up to me and most of my
family, I would just give up... But I
can't do that to the guy I k.N.O.W. Im
supposed to be with. Any help
appreciated.
You say he's in therapy right? Insist
that you be able to come with him for a
session or more...explain to him what
you're feeling, ask the therapist for some
help for both of you. If you love this
guy, then help him. Before it's too late.
