Although I have come to the realization of what it is that I must do, I have had to postpone the planned events until after the holidays are over. Only out of respect for the feelings of the two youngest children do I wait. ( the two oldest, in all likelihood, could care less - they probably hate my guts anyway!)



when I go, my apartment will be spotless, all of my assets will be arranged so as to be readily available. In prepairing for the eventual divorice, I had taken the steps to hide what assets I could. I emptied the "busness" account. Here I set looking at $40,000 in one hundred dollar bills. She does'nt really deserve any of it, I wonder what 40 grand would look like going up in smoke after I put a match to it? Well I would'nt do that anyway....Well most likley not....One could argue that she might deserve the money in exchange for putting up with me.



Found "the practical guide to suicide"on line to be of value, especially in dealing with the mental aspects of prepairing for one's demise. Now I know why when I attempted this before (never told anyone) by means of vehicle exhaust, I failed.



I also know why at about the same time, when I ate a bottle of perscription barbituates and washed them down with a quart of beer, it did'nt work. (nobody knew about that either ). I cannot begin to tell you what a terrible feeling it was to wake up the next morning. I guess you know when you are a total falure when you can not even commit suicide correctly.

Anyway, that was about 20 years ago....Mid '80s perhaps

you see, everything and everybody would have been much better off has I succeeded at that time.



Almost throught all of my life I knew that I was'nt "right". I had promised that if I ever got married that I would not have any children, that I would take my screwed-up genes to the grave with me rather than pass them on to another generation. Boy did I ever medical question that up! Shure enough the kids really seem to have more than there share of problems. May god forgive me for that.



When all is said and done, everything will seem to be a terrible accident- no stigma, no shame.



I can't begin to sort out just what has brought me to this point. In some way I wish that I could. Marital situation had been declining for some time. I had thought of leaving, but did'nt want to be a "quitter". Then one day, my wife told me to leave. That was somewhat of a relief, as the almost unberable tension was lifted,but also was a defeat. An extreme debiliting defeat. That was two years ago. I had tried really hard to make the changes that she wanted me to. At first I had hoped in some way to get back together, but as time wore on and she yelled and berated me when I had to work overtime and chastied me about my "values' ,or in some way fell short of her ideals, I slowly came to realize that it was over. ( the part of her scolding and putting work above family is only my take on the situation and may or may not be correct,) the breaking point in our relationship was an arrest for something increadibly stupid! Of course being intoxicated at the time was no help. ( no it was'nt a dui, although I did manage to get one of those several years earlier.) when the counseleor that I (or we, I don't remember) was seeing told me that things could never be the same again, I did'nt understand that. I suppose in some way I still don't.



Anyway, it seems that my responsiblity during the past two years was to supervise the children on saturdays while my wife was at work. None of them ever did anything that I told them. The two oldest only responded with smart ass answers and insolent stares. My other "responsiblity" was to take the youngest on friday nights and return him on sunday evening. He is on the fast track to nowhere. At age 9 he has run away several times, bringing the police to both my door as well as my wife's. Suspended from school numerous times: yells at his mother "shut up you b***h" ; ect. And generally is lucky if he gets as high as a "d" on his report card. (remember the screwed-up defective genes)
as far as I can tell, perhaps she dose'nt want to be bothered with either one of us.



A few weeks ago, I had to work on the weekend. Told my wife that- screamed and yelled about my "priorties".



Brought little billy home at 4:00 am saturday morning. My wife"s van was not in the driveway. Oh man, for some reason that really hurt. Tried to overlook it but it continued to eat at me so I finally mentioned something to my wife about it. Her reply was " I did'nt know I had a curfew." a week or two later my wife called to ask when I was bringing
billy home. I told her at about 4:30 as I usually do. She told me that we were not going to have "family dinner" that evening. ( if I try to get out of having " family dinner' I am again berated about my "values".)
to show you how stupid I am, when she said that she was buisy and time had gotten away from her and she was just going to send out for pizza, I was going to offer to go and pick it up, but she continued talking and I could not get any words in. Oh well, I thought, at least I don't have to pay for it. God, am I stupid. We pulled up to the curb, ( I have never parked in the driveway since she was out that night). Billy saved my ass. You see I was to stupid to realize. Billy said oh, he's here ( another car parked at the curb- I thought somewone was visiting the next door neighbors). Billy said that when he comes , he and mommy go out.



I felt my stomach drop right through the floorboards of my truck.



I stayed to supervise the children in cleaning off the table, and getting it ready for dinner. (don't ask me why, god I am so stupid!)


this is getting to be quite a rambeling discourse, isn't it!




When I got home, I did something that I have not done in years....I drank until I passed out. I know that might not have been the best thing to do but it was the only way I knew to deal with it at that time. At least I wasn't able to feel the pain and total emptyness while unconscious.


While I realize that our marrage exists in the legal defination only, I have to admit that the feeling of betrayal that I felt was, in some way, more than I could bear.



Perhaps a week or two later my wife asked me what was wrong....I replied "nothing" she said that she knew better, and asked again what was wrong.....Again I replied "nothing" she then asked if it was because she was " going out"......No I replied, but then I thought that I may as well admit it. She said she was sorry (several times) and then went on to say that she was only human....A delecate was of putting it I suppose !




Many, many years ago, I promised my self that I would never cry again. Nobody!!!!~!~ would ever be able to force a tear from me!!!~
certainly, that would be an easy promice to keep, for how could there be any tears left?



Well, needless to say, I started balwing right there in the driveway. Boy how I hated that !

So as the days went on I continued to ask myself why was I so upset?



Was it that she was having sex and I haven't in four years or so? No I didnt think that was it , haven't had any interest in it , did'nt really miss it come to think of it.



Was it that I was living in an apartment with no heat, eating rice and beans, while I contnued to pay all of the bills...Mortgage....Electric....Car insurance.....Water.....Trash collection....Cable t.V. ( I dont even have a t.V.) .......Doctors bills...Kid's extracurricular school activities...Ect?



No, I didnt think that was it either....It would seem as if that was my decision ( out of a sence of duty I suppose) although I will admit....Well all of my mail goes to the old address....Never did change it over when I left, first out of a hope that I would return...Later when I knew that would not happen, out of complacency,i guess I just never did...Anyway (as I ramble on)..I usually check the mail when I get off of work ( I pick billy up after work and take him to my place where it is quiet, with no distractions and help him with his homework). In the mail was a telephone bill. I did'nt take it with me as I usually would have. The next day which was my wife's day off, she handed me "my" mail....And in with it was the telephone bill from the day before. Go figure.




Okay, you ask, what does all of this possibily have to do with me going ahead and murdering my self?
Perhars this was just the proviberial "straw".



What I do know, is that for a few years, I had what I thought that I would never have.



I had a really hard time growing up and all of my life I had the feeling of "being on the outside looking in". If you don't understand that that's o.K. It's the best way that I can explain it.



Then all of a sudden I had what everybody else had!! My god, a (fairly ) attractive woman who wanted me....Who liked me, who wanted to be with me and I had to go and louse it all up through my stupidity!



I ruined it all and I hate myself for it! Now I know that I am a falure as a father and as a husband.....What else matters!
It was as is fate had given me a taste of what it is like to be "normal" and than proved to me again that I am not.



I thought that could always look to work for satisfaction, for after being fired from every job that I had I finally found somewhere where I managed to "fit in" ( I can't really explain it any better). Working for the same company in the highlt volatile; highly cyclical construction industry for eleven years was something that I felt somewhat good about. I have a reputation for generally bringing the jobs in ahaed of schedule and under buget. Then one day another foreman asked me why I push it so hard? Then he mentioned two other foreman of ours who fell over dead on the job (heart attacks) and said...."they all get finished in the end.....Weather you're here or not it will still get finished....They all do.... So much for my value at work!



I guess I can't really explain any of this satisfactorily. Not to you, not really to myself. The emptyness and worthlessness that haunts me through my tortured dreams....Dreams that have turned into nightmares, back on the outside looking in, but only knowing what it was like ot be on the "inside" for a few short years before I ruined it all.....God how I hate myself for that....As if I had "normalicy" revealed to me to experience it and the have it ripped away, replaced by falure ;emptyness; worthlessness; a loser again, back on the outside.



I know what you are going to tell me......"go out and help someone else".....Get some exercise......Ect. Ect. Ect. Well just go and shove it!



Don't want to seem melodramatic about this but I can't convay the feelings of my earlier years..... The five years in the penetenatary....The meanness (?) that I both experianced growing up and later dished out.... The years of emptyness and hurt ....The beatings; the isolation; the (self-fuilling?) worthlessness that I experienced growing up...Now that I have failed again in the ultimate calling of life.......Well I can't give words to my true feelings.....The true pain....... I can't fill the emptyness, but I can stop the endless pain that I have (and will) continue to feel...Just have to end the pain the hurt just have to end it.

Tomorrow will be christmas.....Somewhere along the way I will force myself to shower,shave and change my clothes.....Which I haven't managed to do for a week......Or is it a week and a half....(does it even matter?)

while I am forcing myself to do things....I'll act as happy as I can.....And mabye if everybody is lucky, I won't cry.