Ending a Relationship Forum - Please Help Me...dont Know What to Do..splitting Up With....

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Q: Please Help Me...dont Know What to Do..splitting Up With....

asked by: comfortablynumb on December 23rd, 2005

New User

Hi peeps. I am a 24 year old male. I have been unhappily married for 3 years and feel ive got to split up with my wife.
The relationship has gone stale, the sex is even staler. She doesnt excite or turn me on anymore and quite frankly she annoys the hell out of me.
The problem is I cant stand to see her with anyone else or for her to be happy after we split up. Thats the only reason I am staying with her.
I fear my life will be bleak and I will never meet anyone else and I can see her with a stud of a boyfriend and a nice house. I definatly dont love her but I think I must feel something for her.
I have never cheated on her and she has never cheated on me, when she goes out with her mates I get very insecure, why??? I really dont like her. The thing that scares me is her meeting someone else and running off into the sunset!

How the hell am I suppose to leave her?? It feels impossible. I know I am being selfish but I cant stand the thought of her meeting other blokes in the future. Please someone help. I dont want to waste her life or mine on this pathetic relationship, its not fair on either of us.

Hope someone can help.

John (p.S there is no children involved)

Replies(14)

didihealth

replied on February 8th, 2006

New User

This is so weird, cause I thought I was the only one feeling this way! I have been married for almost 4 years and even though I love my husband (but am not in love w/him anymore), I can't leave because I don't want him to find hapiness w/someone else. And he is the kind of guy that could easily find someone. How selfish is that?? I can't picture me w/a different man but hate the idea of him being with a different woman...But when you think about it, it seems like we 'd rather be unhappy than seeing our partner happy...Weird!

rightside

replied on February 12th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Please Help

Sounds to me like you both still have strong feelings for your spouses. Think about it...If you really didn't, you wouldn't care where they went, with who or what they did. I sense alot of hurt between the lines...People that really want to leave...Leave. Where there is emotion, there are feelings.

lsipes

replied on February 12th, 2006

Experienced User

Quote:

definatly dont love her but I think I must feel something for her.

you said you must still feel something for her. You do. It's called jealousy. Everyone goes through it when splitting with a spouse. I know I did. I'm a 24 yo female and hate my ex. But the thought of him being with someone else still bugs me. And yes. I mean that I *hate* him. I cannot stand him. When he would touch me, my skin crawled. There are a lot of reasons for this that iwill not get into, but it's just a smidgen of jealousy that everyone has to get over.

I honestly don't know what else to tell you. It's just something you must come to terms with. You can't be jealous of the unknown. What your future holds (and hers) can only be determined by the actions you take now and every moment on from now. If you're miserable and can't be happy with her, then her being happy with someone else is irrelevant. You don't want to be miserable for the rest of your life because you can't get over a little case of jealousy.

rightside

replied on February 13th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Jealousy

How can you be jealous of someone you hate? If you hate someone, you usually don't care what happens to them. You just want them out of your life. When someone no longer cares for another person, they don't worry about what they do or who with. The feelings are gone. Jealousy has underlying anger, and anger is an emotion that should not be there if you no longer have feelings for the other person. When a relationship is over for good, the one who walks away always does so because they no longer can care for their mate in any way. That's the bottom line, and that's what gives them the courage to leave without worrying who they hurt or what the reprocussions are. If there are still feelings, or unsure, they will come back, but in the end, when it's gone, it's gone. I think you should investigate why you are putting so much effort into being jealous of someone that you feel you hate. Hope things work out for all of you. Hate is a very tiring and hurtful emotion for the one who is doing the hating.

lsipes

replied on February 13th, 2006

Experienced User

Re: Jealousy

raven53 wrote:

how can you be jealous of someone you hate? If you hate someone, you usually don't care what happens to them. You just want them out of your life. When someone no longer cares for another person, they don't worry about what they do or who with. The feelings are gone. Jealousy has underlying anger, and anger is an emotion that should not be there if you no longer have feelings for the other person. When a relationship is over for good, the one who walks away always does so because they no longer can care for their mate in any way. That's the bottom line, and that's what gives them the courage to leave without worrying who they hurt or what the reprocussions are. If there are still feelings, or unsure, they will come back, but in the end, when it's gone, it's gone. I think you should investigate why you are putting so much effort into being jealous of someone that you feel you hate. Hope things work out for all of you. Hate is a very tiring and hurtful emotion for the one who is doing the hating.

i never said I was jealous *of* him. And if you've never been married and spent four years with someone to leave and wonder if they're doing as well as or better than you, then it's easy to understand why you don't get these emotions. It's immature. I never said it wasn't. And I can mainly tell you that it's not so much "jealousy" in my case. Just fear for any other woman he's able to wrangle and make his slave. :wink: it's a sickening thought that he could do to someone else what he did to me.
I do know, though that in a lot of cases when people split, they have the same jealousy issues as the original poster. Hell my best friend and her ex husband were the exact same way. Couldn't stand to be with one another, but couldn't stand the thought of him/her being with anyone else, either. It's really very easy to understand if you've been there or had close friends/family that have been there.

rightside

replied on February 13th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

Jealousy

I have been there. I have been married for 35 years, and there isn't much we haven't gone through. As I wrote, when all is said and done, when someone leaves for good, it's because they stopped having feelings for the other person totally. Why are you worried about another girl having to go through the same thing you did? There is nothing you can do about it. He might be totally different with another girl. 4 years is a relatively short time to be with a person. If things are going wrong so soon, maybe he was not the right person you needed to begin with. What didn't you see in him then, that you did see after you were married, and why did you stick it out for 4 years? That's what you have to ask yourself. I have seen so many women stay with a guy because they had no self esteem, or enough self respect enough to leave, but even being abused, they stayed because they loved the guy. How can you love someone who treats you badly?These are questions you need to answer for yourself. When a relationship is over for good, you'll know it, because you will no longer care what the other does. Doesn't mean you won't have memories, just no more emotion to waste on the person.

lsipes

replied on February 13th, 2006

Experienced User

Trust me. There's no need to tell me what questions I need to ask myself. Psychoanalyse me if you wish, but it's a pointless endeavor.

rightside

replied on February 14th, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

It's not my intention to psychoanalize you dear, my original post was for the man that wrote. I wish you the best, and hope you can some day sort out your feelings. Don't ever feel it is pointless. This too shall pass..

Melissa_20

replied on February 16th, 2006

Especially eHealthy

Sounds like your scared she will find someone else and you will be alone. . .

lsipes

replied on February 16th, 2006

Experienced User

melissa_20 wrote:

sounds like your scared she will find someone else and you will be alone. . .

exactly!! Thus, my comment about jealousy.

Not only that. But chew on this. You split up because she makes you miserable. Then she goes and finds someone else and they live forever in bliss. Would kind of make you wonder how someone else could be so happy with her when she made you miserable. Did she change something? Were you just too quick on the trigger? There are a lot of thoughts and emotions that go into it. But you can't think about that. You have to think about what will ultimately make you happy. *you* a lot of times two people together just don't work. But those same two people with someone else do.

Lalee

replied on February 21st, 2006

Active User, very eHealthy

melissa_20 wrote:

sounds like your scared she will find someone else and you will be alone. . .

i was going to say the exact same thing. Lol. It's logical, actually. Think of it this way: (almost what isipes was saying):

you don't like her. Obviously, she's not right for you... Unfortunately, that usually ends up being translated into someone not being good enough for someone else. Now, if she gets someone new and you don't, would that make you wonder if you were the loser? (i don't mean you are, just making a point.)

sandyallen

replied on February 21st, 2006

Extremely eHealthy

To me it is not the hate you feel for someone, it is the dis-respect. As they say, you never lose the love for someone you had for someone at one time but somehow it never grows, to me, hate is a very strong word that eats you up on the inside. To me it is the respect that you lose for a person. I agree that 4 years is not a longtime as it is not even past the 7 year itch mark but sometimes 4 years can feel like an eternity especially when their is abuse either verbally or physical or cheating or neglect.
Their are sooo many times where that piese of paper and those vows really change someone negatively and it should not be happening.
True, their is some jealousy but to me it is just insecurity.
Just my opinions!
Good luck to all!

DigitalPhotoD70

replied on May 16th, 2006

New User

I have similar feelings. My ex has already found her "knight in shining armor" to replace me for the time being and our divorce isn't even final yet. It drives me batty. About all you can do is move on, get some therapy and let it out. I know this sounds stupid but in time it will get better. I am waiting for that time to come and am so sick of being so broken down. The thought of her with anyone else is unbearable. My solution was to move to a town far enough away to feel free but close enough for my son. Haven't moved yet but will be all settled in a bout a week.

So if you feel this unhappy you should initiate the change despite how you feel. Maybe a breakup or separation is just the kick in the ass you two need to really find out if you do love each other.

broken guitarist

replied on October 21st, 2006

New User

Re: Please Help Me...dont Know What to Do..splitting Up With

comfortablynumb wrote:

hi peeps. I am a 24 year old male. I have been unhappily married for 3 years and feel ive got to split up with my wife.

The relationship has gone stale, the sex is even staler. She doesnt excite or turn me on anymore and quite frankly she annoys the hell out of me.

The problem is I cant stand to see her with anyone else or for her to be happy after we split up. Thats the only reason I am staying with her.

I fear my life will be bleak and I will never meet anyone else and I can see her with a stud of a boyfriend and a nice house. I definatly dont love her but I think I must feel something for her.
I have never cheated on her and she has never cheated on me, when she goes out with her mates I get very insecure, why??? I really dont like her. The thing that scares me is her meeting someone else and running off into the sunset!

How the hell am I suppose to leave her?? It feels impossible. I know I am being selfish but I cant stand the thought of her meeting other blokes in the future. Please someone help. I dont want to waste her life or mine on this pathetic relationship, its not fair on either of us.

Hope someone can help.

John (p.S there is no children involved)

i know of what you speak.I had to watch my wife flirt with every guy in every bar she worked in knowing one day she would find someone better than me and leave me for him.Well it happened we had been together for 10 years and we finally got married this june and in 5 months she found someone else and is in the process of leaving me for him.I dreaded the thought of her being with someone else but now it has happened.She still comes by to collect her things and is pleased to tell me that he bought a $40,00.00 truck and how much more money he makes than me.The things she says tears my heart out but now that she is with someone who can do better for her I have resigned myself to worrying about me and just trying to be content knowing that the person she is with can take better care of her and she can have a better life.
I realised there is absolutley nothing I can do about her being with someone else so I think about all of the bad things she has done to me (and there have been a lot) and hope that someday this guy will get the same treatment(be careful what you wish for you just might get it)

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