Please Help Me...dont Know What to Do..splitting Up With.... Posted: 12-23-05 13:08pm
Hi peeps. I am a 24 year old male. I
have been unhappily married for 3 years
and feel ive got to split up with my
wife.
The relationship has gone stale, the sex
is even staler. She doesnt excite or turn
me on anymore and quite frankly she annoys
the hell out of me.
The problem is I cant stand to see her
with anyone else or for her to be happy
after we split up. Thats the only reason
I am staying with her.
I fear my life will be bleak and I will
never meet anyone else and I can see her
with a stud of a boyfriend and a nice
house. I definatly dont love her but I
think I must feel something for her.
I have never cheated on her and she has
never cheated on me, when she goes out
with her mates I get very insecure, why???
I really dont like her. The thing that
scares me is her meeting someone else and
running off into the sunset!
How the hell am I suppose to leave her??
It feels impossible. I know I am being
selfish but I cant stand the thought of
her meeting other blokes in the future.
Please someone help. I dont want to waste
her life or mine on this pathetic
relationship, its not fair on either of
us.
Hope someone can help.
John (p.S there is no children involved)
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didihealth
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 08 Feb 2006 Posts: 1
Posted: 02-08-06 19:36pm
This is so weird, cause I thought I was
the only one feeling this way! I have
been married for almost 4 years and even
though I love my husband (but am not in
love w/him anymore), I can't leave because
I don't want him to find hapiness
w/someone else. And he is the kind of
guy that could easily find someone. How
selfish is that?? I can't picture me w/a
different man but hate the idea of him
being with a different woman...But when
you think about it, it seems like we 'd
rather be unhappy than seeing our partner
happy...Weird!
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 52
Please Help Posted: 02-12-06 20:38pm
Sounds to me like you both still have
strong feelings for your spouses. Think
about it...If you really didn't, you
wouldn't care where they went, with who
or what they did. I sense alot of hurt
between the lines...People that really
want to leave...Leave. Where there is
emotion, there are feelings.
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lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Posted: 02-12-06 23:12pm
Quote:
definatly dont
love her but I think I must feel something
for her.
you said you must still feel something for
her. You do. It's called jealousy.
Everyone goes through it when splitting
with a spouse. I know I did. I'm a 24
yo female and hate my ex. But the
thought of him being with someone else
still bugs me. And yes. I mean that I
*hate* him. I cannot stand him. When
he would touch me, my skin crawled.
There are a lot of reasons for this that
iwill not get into, but it's just a
smidgen of jealousy that everyone has to
get over.
I honestly don't know what else to tell
you. It's just something you must come
to terms with. You can't be jealous of
the unknown. What your future holds (and
hers) can only be determined by the
actions you take now and every moment on
from now. If you're miserable and can't
be happy with her, then her being happy
with someone else is irrelevant. You
don't want to be miserable for the rest of
your life because you can't get over a
little case of jealousy.
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 52
Jealousy Posted: 02-13-06 09:35am
How can you be jealous of someone you
hate? If you hate someone, you usually
don't care what happens to them. You
just want them out of your life. When
someone no longer cares for another
person, they don't worry about what they
do or who with. The feelings are gone.
Jealousy has underlying anger, and anger
is an emotion that should not be there if
you no longer have feelings for the other
person. When a relationship is over for
good, the one who walks away always does
so because they no longer can care for
their mate in any way. That's the bottom
line, and that's what gives them the
courage to leave without worrying who they
hurt or what the reprocussions are. If
there are still feelings, or unsure, they
will come back, but in the end, when it's
gone, it's gone. I think you should
investigate why you are putting so much
effort into being jealous of someone that
you feel you hate. Hope things work out
for all of you. Hate is a very tiring
and hurtful emotion for the one who is
doing the hating.
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lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Re: Jealousy Posted: 02-13-06 12:50pm
raven53
wrote:
how can you be jealous of
someone you hate? If you hate someone,
you usually don't care what happens to
them. You just want them out of your
life. When someone no longer cares for
another person, they don't worry about
what they do or who with. The feelings
are gone. Jealousy has underlying
anger, and anger is an emotion that should
not be there if you no longer have
feelings for the other person. When a
relationship is over for good, the one who
walks away always does so because they no
longer can care for their mate in any way.
That's the bottom line, and that's what
gives them the courage to leave without
worrying who they hurt or what the
reprocussions are. If there are still
feelings, or unsure, they will come back,
but in the end, when it's gone, it's gone.
I think you should investigate why you
are putting so much effort into being
jealous of someone that you feel you hate.
Hope things work out for all of you.
Hate is a very tiring and hurtful emotion
for the one who is doing the
hating.
i never said I was jealous *of* him. And
if you've never been married and spent
four years with someone to leave and
wonder if they're doing as well as or
better than you, then it's easy to
understand why you don't get these
emotions. It's immature. I never said
it wasn't. And I can mainly tell you
that it's not so much "jealousy" in my
case. Just fear for any other woman he's
able to wrangle and make his slave.
:wink: it's a sickening thought that he
could do to someone else what he did to
me.
I do know, though that in a lot of cases
when people split, they have the same
jealousy issues as the original poster.
Hell my best friend and her ex husband
were the exact same way. Couldn't stand
to be with one another, but couldn't stand
the thought of him/her being with anyone
else, either. It's really very easy to
understand if you've been there or had
close friends/family that have been there.
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 52
Jealousy Posted: 02-13-06 13:44pm
I have been there. I have been married
for 35 years, and there isn't much we
haven't gone through. As I wrote, when
all is said and done, when someone leaves
for good, it's because they stopped having
feelings for the other person totally.
Why are you worried about another girl
having to go through the same thing you
did? There is nothing you can do about
it. He might be totally different with
another girl. 4 years is a relatively
short time to be with a person. If
things are going wrong so soon, maybe he
was not the right person you needed to
begin with. What didn't you see in him
then, that you did see after you were
married, and why did you stick it out for
4 years? That's what you have to ask
yourself. I have seen so many women stay
with a guy because they had no self
esteem, or enough self respect enough to
leave, but even being abused, they stayed
because they loved the guy. How can you
love someone who treats you badly?These
are questions you need to answer for
yourself. When a relationship is over
for good, you'll know it, because you will
no longer care what the other does.
Doesn't mean you won't have memories, just
no more emotion to waste on the person.
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lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Posted: 02-13-06 23:47pm
Trust me. There's no need to tell me
what questions I need to ask myself.
Psychoanalyse me if you wish, but it's a
pointless endeavor.
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raven53
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 07 Sep 2005 Posts: 52
Posted: 02-14-06 08:33am
It's not my intention to psychoanalize you
dear, my original post was for the man
that wrote. I wish you the best, and
hope you can some day sort out your
feelings. Don't ever feel it is
pointless. This too shall pass..
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Melissa_20
Especially EHEALTHy
Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 6806 Location: Florida
Posted: 02-16-06 14:40pm
Sounds like your scared she will find
someone else and you will be alone. . .
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lsipes
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 15 Jan 2006 Posts: 325
Posted: 02-16-06 21:53pm
melissa_20
wrote:
sounds like your scared she
will find someone else and you will be
alone. .
.
exactly!! Thus, my comment about
jealousy.
Not only that. But chew on this. You
split up because she makes you miserable.
Then she goes and finds someone else and
they live forever in bliss. Would kind
of make you wonder how someone else could
be so happy with her when she made you
miserable. Did she change something?
Were you just too quick on the trigger?
There are a lot of thoughts and emotions
that go into it. But you can't think
about that. You have to think about what
will ultimately make you happy. *you* a
lot of times two people together just
don't work. But those same two people
with someone else do.
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Lalee
Active User, Really EHEALTHy
Joined: 26 Jan 2006 Posts: 991 Location: South Carolina
Posted: 02-21-06 12:44pm
melissa_20
wrote:
sounds like your scared she
will find someone else and you will be
alone. .
.
i was going to say the exact same thing.
Lol. It's logical, actually. Think of it
this way: (almost what isipes was
saying):
you don't like her. Obviously, she's not
right for you... Unfortunately, that
usually ends up being translated into
someone not being good enough for someone
else. Now, if she gets someone new and
you don't, would that make you wonder if
you were the loser? (i don't mean you
are, just making a point.)
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sandyallen
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 02 Feb 2004 Posts: 4580
Posted: 02-21-06 13:40pm
To me it is not the hate you feel for
someone, it is the dis-respect. As they
say, you never lose the love for someone
you had for someone at one time but
somehow it never grows, to me, hate is a
very strong word that eats you up on the
inside. To me it is the respect that you
lose for a person. I agree that 4 years
is not a longtime as it is not even past
the 7 year itch mark but sometimes 4 years
can feel like an eternity especially when
their is abuse either verbally or physical
or cheating or neglect.
Their are sooo many times where that piese
of paper and those vows really change
someone negatively and it should not be
happening.
True, their is some jealousy but to me it
is just insecurity.
Just my opinions!
Good luck to all!
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DigitalPhotoD70
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 16 May 2006 Posts: 4 Location: Ennis, Texas
Posted: 05-16-06 10:28am
I have similar feelings. My ex has
already found her "knight in shining
armor" to replace me for the time being
and our divorce isn't even final yet. It
drives me batty. About all you can do is
move on, get some therapy and let it out.
I know this sounds stupid but in time it
will get better. I am waiting for that
time to come and am so sick of being so
broken down. The thought of her with
anyone else is unbearable. My solution
was to move to a town far enough away to
feel free but close enough for my son.
Haven't moved yet but will be all settled
in a bout a week.
So if you feel this unhappy you should
initiate the change despite how you feel.
Maybe a breakup or separation is just the
kick in the ass you two need to really
find out if you do love each other.
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broken guitarist
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 21 Oct 2006 Posts: 6 Location: Calgary AB.Canada
Re: Please Help Me...dont Know What to Do..splitting Up With Posted: 10-21-06 23:51pm
comfortablynumb
wrote:
hi peeps. I am a 24 year
old male. I have been unhappily married
for 3 years and feel ive got to split up
with my wife.
The relationship has gone stale, the sex
is even staler. She doesnt excite or
turn me on anymore and quite frankly she
annoys the hell out of me.
The problem is I cant stand to see her
with anyone else or for her to be happy
after we split up. Thats the only reason
I am staying with her.
I fear my life will be bleak and I will
never meet anyone else and I can see her
with a stud of a boyfriend and a nice
house. I definatly dont love her but I
think I must feel something for her.
I have never cheated on her and she has
never cheated on me, when she goes out
with her mates I get very insecure, why???
I really dont like her. The thing that
scares me is her meeting someone else and
running off into the sunset!
How the hell am I suppose to leave her??
It feels impossible. I know I am being
selfish but I cant stand the thought of
her meeting other blokes in the future.
Please someone help. I dont want to
waste her life or mine on this pathetic
relationship, its not fair on either of
us.
Hope someone can help.
John (p.S there is no children
involved)
i know of what you speak.I had to watch my
wife flirt with every guy in every bar she
worked in knowing one day she would find
someone better than me and leave me for
him.Well it happened we had been together
for 10 years and we finally got married
this june and in 5 months she found
someone else and is in the process of
leaving me for him.I dreaded the thought
of her being with someone else but now it
has happened.She still comes by to collect
her things and is pleased to tell me that
he bought a $40,00.00 truck and how much
more money he makes than me.The things she
says tears my heart out but now that she
is with someone who can do better for her
I have resigned myself to worrying about
me and just trying to be content knowing
that the person she is with can take
better care of her and she can have a
better life.
I realised there is absolutley nothing I
can do about her being with someone else
so I think about all of the bad things she
has done to me (and there have been a lot)
and hope that someday this guy will get
the same treatment(be careful what you
wish for you just might get it)
