You will suffer more otherwise. Saving the marriage? I know what you mean. It seems beyond the mere interpersonal. Regarding guilt and ms. It is a matter of setting things up for the future, whether you divorce or not. You will still need help one way or another. If it is a habit of abuse that cannot be stopped then the answer for me is simple, and maybe this is his payment. Not very merciful but people gotta learn, right? Do you think you are provoking anything which can be changed? Again therapy can help in this radically. He may change radically. Ms has a way of altering the personality. His weakened state may provoke resentment as you become more powerful as well. It depends upon how enlightened the both of you are in this. If the spouse is definitely hopeless and abusive then...But if there really is a way - it would be nice to have a decade or so of freedom I must admit - to remain together harmoniously, well divorce is very complicated and expensive, and you never break free completely. But in separation - which can be without divorce - you can visit and leave at will. Almost any marriage counselor knows the ropes. Call the ms society on this issue. They can refer you to specialized counselors. You went here for outside help, right?

Sorry, I missed that point. This can be very slow allowing many years of functionality. Or it can result in a sharp decline. Doctors cannot commit because predicting the outcome of ms is impossible. Some radical ppms just disappears on am mri. Also ppms can suddenly become excaerbating-remmitting ms. The problem is that ms is a mechanism where lesions appear anywhere they want to whenever. Not to scare you, but this is simply a fact. Take it from someone standing and working after almost 20 years with these forms. This is the strangest disease around probably, so expect the unexpected. Take each day as it comes and make sure the rest of the body is healthy with a lot of pure water and good balanced diet. Also, prep yourself as a care giver. You have to be twice as physically together - a good excuse to cut down on donuts and coffee. For him vit. B complex (strong). 400 units vit e and omega3 daily. You will be in my prayers tonight. It always helps to know someone loving is out there can really cares for just you even if we haven't met.

Aura:

it was kind fo you to respond. Do you have ppms? I wish you all the best as i'm only beginning to understand all the ramifications of this terrible disease. Husband is so far pretty highly functioning - has some significant weakness in both legs - especially the right one. Probably should be using a leg brace but is not ready for that - emotionally -- yet. No cognitive impairment but I gather that' s not one of the features of ppms.

I pray that whatever happens with our marriage he will find support - I would be willing to be there for him but doubt he would accept me post divorce. This is why I agonize about leaving. I know some of these people end of as "quads" which really scares me - others have only moderate deficits.

I put us in god's hands.

God bless

Mugs,

have you and your husband considered looking at alternative treatments (non-drug) for treating the ms? Send me a private message or an email if you would like to know a possible treatment i'm aware of for this.

God bless

I can empathize with your situation. My husband was diagnosed 14 yrs ago with MS. Currently his means of mobility are a walker and wheelchair. I, too, have been unhappy for the last several years and have been considering divorce.

I would like to know more of your situation, that is if you desire so to share with me.

Well it's two years later and I'm still with my H. His MS has of course progressed and althought he can still walk with a cane, he really needs a walker or wc for outdoor excursions. I am still struggling every day with the decision to leave him. He was never a good husband to me when he was healthy bit if course now that he has MS he thinks I should stay. But staying for me means giving up on my happiness for ever - alife without intimacy, passion or fun. We haven't had sex for 20 years and he has no interest in changing things and won't go to counselling.

I couple of years ago I reconnected (innocently at first) with my childhood sweetheart and we had a three-year affair ( now over). It showed me what a normal relationship with intimancy and passion could be like and now I can't see settling for anything less. I have decided to try and seprate again next spring, but I don't know what shape H will be in by then.

It's a very horrible place to be in -- please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

I don't want to pry but if your relationship has been that bad for 20 years why did you stay so long?

I don't think that there should be any guilt involved, the MS is a side issue and if he plays emotional games with you he will surely use it, so be prepared for it. Marriage can be very tough I know I have had to put extra effort into it since I was diagnosed. I have a tendency to have a short temper which never happened before MS and to get very quiet and withdrawn. I also have so much on my mind that I have been less interested in sex, so being a good husband and not alienating my wife has become work not just something I do. I have to consciously focus on talking to her, not getting angry with her for nothing and making her feel sexy even when I don't feel up to it.

If I have to work at it now when it always came easy in the past I would imagine that a man who was never good at it would get even worse because he won't put the effort out.

However in some the feeling of dependency could cause an otherwise un caring husband to step up with graciousness and gratitude. After two years you, I'm sure, have a much better idea of how this will play out and ultimately only you can decide what is right for you.

However if you are already decided and just need your guilt assuaged let me tell you coming from the sick husbands perspective, it sounds like he has brought this on himself without any help of MS so walk away guilt free.

Hi Mugs,

I disagree with TaoWarrior that MS is a separate issue. In my case at least... my wife's MS has drastically affected her personality. I am certain the decreased mobility and discomfort (fibromyalgia pain) have taken its toll... and brought her depression... but in the end... she has lost a lot of brain matter to atrophy and has the brain of 90 year old (she's 44).

I do not know how you coped without physical intimacy for 20 years! My wife and I haven't been intimate in 2 years and even when we were intimate, it was deeply unsatisfying. She was always in pain during love making... having sex always had the anticipation of failure in it.

I began having panic attacks in april when I was coming to the realization (or facing the facts) that I don't love her in a romantic sense anymore... and that for my own sanity I have to leave. She mistreats me and is verbally abusive. To add to the stress, we have a severely autistic daughter.

I need to save myself so I can focus my attention on my daughter. My marriage is a lost cause...

QG

Hi I am 63 years old . I gave up work 7 years ago to care for my wife who has ms. Since about a year after this my wife started to change and exhibited some dramatic mood swings . She made great efforts to keep any of my old friends at bay and would make excuses to avoid my children visiting us whilst at the same time stopping me talking to hers ( we are second marraige ) Recently I took a two week break (the first away from her for 12 years)after arranging outside help which she declined stating she would make her own arrangements.During the 5 weeks prior to my break she made my life very difficult with both verbal and physical abuse ,she changed all our banking passwords and redirected her dla away from our household accounts and this situation still continues causing extreme financial problems.I pressed on and had a fantastic time doing nothing! Upon my return to this angry and uncomfortable house I realised that it was so important to have time to oneself and so I requested one weekend off in four ,this set her off again to the point that she is seeking a divorce and to sell the house and she threatens to claim the majority of the equity on grounds of her illness. Any ideas? H

I was told by my doctor that it is very unusual for people over 50 to get MS. I have Relapse/Remitting MS. It may be years before he starts to get worse, if at all. He may even get worse verbally with you trying to deal with the day to day struggles of MS. You both need to talk to someone. If you are not happy in your marriage even with the MS, don't stay in it. Talk to your Pastor or find a doctor that really knows about MS. They are few and far between. Don't be discouraged.

Holman... I have an uncle who had a wife with mental illness... he stayed with her like a trooper... and it put him in an early grave. He died before he was 60. The stress and grief and sedentary lifestyle killed him. You might want to consider a divorce and let your wife's care be handled by professionals.

Living with a spouse with M.S. (and exacerbating that with a daughter with Autism)... has become torture. Her own family has remarked so many times that they don't know how I've stuck it out... and my family fully supports my decision to leave. I tried for seven years in this negative and abusive environment.. and I'm exhausted. There's nothing left to do but to divorce and see that her living needs are met... while still being able to accommodate my daughter's needs.

She has threatened to take EVERYTHING in the divorce... including custody, but she is clearly too frail and incompetant for custody of a nine year old autistic. I'm petitioning for custody and an equitable share of marital assets... and if she's cooperative, I'll see to it that she finds a good place to live (independent living community???) I'm getting little to cooperation from her extended family. They're living in denial and it's not helping anybody.

These posts have been helpful to let me know I'm not alone.

My husband can still walk (though not very well and only a short distance) and can still take care of himself so I know I should leave before he becomes too dependent on me. I just feel that the stress and unhappiness involved in taking care of someone who has not been good to me in the past will leave me bitter, sick and old before my time.

I just don't know how to tell him -- he will be angry and crushed at the same time. But staying means a slow death for me.

Hi! I just wanted to let you know about a program given by the National MS Society. It's a program that works with couples living with MS. It's free! So it's worth checking out, right?

Here's the site: http://bikenct.nationalmssociety.org/site/ PageServer?pagename=HOM_LIVE_relationship_ matters

Best of luck. Hope all is well.

My heart goes out to all that have the courage to post most intimate details here. I too am a spouse of an MS patient, my husband.
While the tears streamed when reading these posts, I finally felt like I wasn't alone in my struggle.
I left my husband a little over a month ago, to "save myself". I hate those words, I hate the truth in them. Every time I think of them I feel horrible, guilty, and greedy.
I could have stayed, but the mental issues and mood swings finally become more than I could bear. I love my husband sooo much, that getting him "stable" during and after his diagnosis turned into my whole life. Its so hard to be so empty of purpose now.
While we split I focused on his continued stability, trying to make everything easy for him. In the end, he hasn't tried to understand why I left, or see the extent of the efforts in which I went to make things as easy for him as possible. In the end, I lost my best friend.
I"m trying to rebuild a life for myself. I won't lie, its not easy. Today is a lonely, bad day, but a little whisper of me feels a little more normal again. A little less stressed at the unneeded efforts to not upset him.
To the spouses... you aren't alone, and I don't think we are evil for wanting a life a little more simple, or with less continual effort. Today I do feel lonely... but not as alone. Thank you all.
"A Spouse"

Prayers are with you. I am 40 and my husband just left 3 weeks ago. Combination of my inability to focus (housework), short term memory loss, and two teenage children from my first marriage. He feels we have nothing in common since I cannot enjoy the things he likes. I have balance issues and vertigo. I have been on a cane and been legally blind. But, I am not in better shape than I have been in 7 years. I am back to work part time, and feel good. My improvement did not save this marriage, his need to bare his own children did. Which with MS is not such a good idea, let alone at 40. Do I hurt yes? Didi I see it coming? No. But, life must go on. MS is not affecting me physically, I do have cognitive issues, but I know that and I deal with that and take responsibility for that. I have my own time outs..be right back...moody zone.. It takes a strong person to be a caregiver. I was one for my dad before the pancreatic cancer took it. It can be exhausting, but I dont regret it. I do not wish to cause my family pain and suffering. If he has to go, then so be it. I have opened the cage doors and set him free. If the heart is not pure, if there is no unconditional love and devotion, then it is best to accept the losses, cry, mourn and find peace in your own life. No one said it would be easy. I wish you well. Someone with MS...Sherry

I get a bit worked up when i read posts like this, I don't understand how people can make avow of marriage 20 yrs or more previous & then turn around & give up just because things arn't going "cindarella ending" for them regardless of the fact that their spouse is suffering much more than your pitifull selfishness. On the other hand yes some people do take advantage of their condition to manipulate others, but i couldn't desert my wife regardless of what she was doing or suffering just because life wasn't working out the way i had hoped. We should remember that we are all sinners & only the sinless should throw the first stone.

Timeisshort...my grandparents were married for 75 years before grandma passed away. I really thought I would share my life with this man til I died, that was my vow to God. I dont condone his actions, and I told him he would have to pay for the divorce if he wanted freedom from me. I would not inflict anymore pain on the children, as he was in their lives for seven years and took it pretty hard. My love was unconditional, his was not. He left to find a healthier wife, a younger wife to start a new family. MS has no cure, I cannot make his perception better. My kids tell me...mom, your the greatest and we love you. Some can handle disappointment better than others. Trust me, there is a huge disappointment knowing that I am "damaged goods." But, not once in my life did I ever feel half empty. My live is full of blessings and I am grateful for every waking day I have...with or without MS. We cannot control the actions of others...just the actions of ourselves. Though sometimes I wish we could...take care, Sherry

Thanks sherry, I guess i don't have much respect for his selfish attitude.
I'm unsure what to think about no cure for MS I have asister who has it & i have had alot of the symptoms until the last 6 months, I have studied what causes the symptoms & have had success in eliminating most of them & other symptoms not relative to the illness through nutritional balancing & it seems that all illness is subject to this balance or lack there of. my sister will have nothing to do with this & slowly she moves to a prigressive state of illness. the difference between her & me is i didn't wait for diagnosis. After seing her with MS another sister with lupus & fibromialgia, my mother with numerous cancers & parkinsons disease & ceoliac disease & my father with allergies & digestive problems i figured me with cfs,allergies, asthma,& thyroid disfunction was not going to sit round & wait for some gp to tell me it's gonna get worse. i've treated the symptoms & had medical confirmation of my self diagnosis & treatment & am gaining restoration slowly. I am happy to help anyone who want's to believe there is hope for better health. It's not a miracle cure but it's a whole lot better than being dictated to that your faith is in vane!
God Bless You & your Family!

Timeisshort..being like we are at war..prepared for battle is how dealing with MS is. One day good, another day bad...somewhere in the middle we hope to find coping. I have a degree in Sociology, so research is my strenght. I told my nuero that if my brain is constanting sending bad (false) signals for pain, or tremors or whatever. Then how come I cannot overload the brain with something that would counteract the pain signals..making life a little more bearable. He said "intersting ideal". So I told him seratonin is the pleasure maker in the brain. It cannot be duplicated nor there is any pill form etc. Body makes it naturally, but we can increase the production of seratonin with seratain..yes it is chemistry, but it helps produce more serotonin in the body. Thus, coundteracting pleasure and pain messages. When needed I overload my pleasure center because.. in theory you cannot physically experience pain and pleasure at the same time. It works for me. Nuero was quite impressed with my little theory..glad this wasted college education is good for something..even if my own state of being...talk soon, Sherry