Divorcing "peacfully" With a Child Involved Posted: 12-20-05 13:19pm
Hi eveyrone-
my name is leigh and I have been married a
little over a year. My husband and I have
an 8 month old son together. He is our
life.
Recently we decided to seek a divorce as
after trying and trying and trying, we
realize our relationship cannot be mended.
We stayed together and discusses
continuing to do so for our son, but than
we agreed that raising him in a house full
of tension was not healthy for him to grow
up. We did not want him to learn that was
"normal", because it isn't.
Anyhow.....There is the story w/o every
single detail.
My husband is a great man, we just are not
good together. He has agreed on my son
and I moving away to be with family as he
feels our son is best off living with me
and not having to be put in daycare. My
fear and the reason why i'm writing today
is the fear of being a single mom. I
never pictured myself in this position and
although my husband is more than happy to
pay child support, i'm worried about the
emotional issues my son may face. Not
having his daddy easily "accessible".
Wondering why he has to travel to see dad,
when he is old enough to realize it. I
guess i'm just scared about all the issues
a single mother faces.
Can someone that has experience with this
guide me and give me some encouragement,
if there is any? Any advice or
suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks
for listening.
Leigh
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loveydovey
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Dec 2005 Posts: 10 Location: alabama
Know What Your Feeling Posted: 01-04-06 03:13am
Hi, I have been married for about six
years now and feel the same way you do.
Off and on through the marriage we have
had some "issues". In fact today we had a
little spat. However, even though I am in
the same boat as you kind of, I would say
try getting help ( preferably w/ a church
ministry). Sometimes it just boils down
to something simple. My hubby got a
little perturbed today b/c I slacked off
on the kitchen. He can't stand a dirty
kitchen...Lol!!! Anyway, I feel like joan
cleaver except I actually have a degree
and can have a career of some sort. It
can be all too frustrating! I did not
want my daughter in a daycare either. I
have stayed at home and managed quite
well. My husband thinks that I need a
"job", so I guess I leave in the morning
to find one... Anyway, good
luck!!!!!!!!
" a diificulty raiseth the spirt of a
great man. He hatha mind to wrestle with
it and give it a fall. A man's mind must
be very low if the difficulty doth not
make part of his pleasure." - lord halifax
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tawnie_j
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Posts: 19 Location: Texas
Been There, Doing That... Posted: 01-06-06 17:22pm
That sounds like my first relationship
(now #2 is hell!!) my first husband and I
were married for 5 mos. Before
separating. We, also could not get
along, but he is a wonderful person!!
Our son was 10 mos. Old when I left him,
he is now almost 3. At first it was
really hard, living on my own, and taking
care of him by myself (all by myself, no
family anywhere near here). However, my
son always has the opporitunity to call
his daddy anytime he wants and vice-versa.
My ex and I follow the standard custody
order, every other weekend, every other
holiday etc. He pays child support every
month, and he and I get a long wonderfully
now!! He is fixing to get remarried, and
my son now has two families and he loves
it!!!
There for a while he would ask, " where's
my daddy?" and I would honestly explain to
him where he was. That is the 1st most
important thing, always be honest and tell
them the whole truth, but do not speak
badly of their father in front of them or
to them. Do not speak badly of your
previous relationship and do not try to
win them over. A child's love is
naturally divided, and trying to change
that will make them end up hating you.
Be strong and just be a mommy, someday
someone special will come into your life,
and everything will change. Just make
sure it's the right person, unlike me. I
found someone shortly after the divorce
and thought that he was wonderful, we
conceived and have since had a child
together and now i'm miserable and i've
introduced my 1st son to a whole new
family and now that's going to diminish as
well.
Remember: 1st priority is to be a mommy,
do whats best for your child. Everything
else will fall naturally into place.
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loveydovey
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 30 Dec 2005 Posts: 10 Location: alabama
:( Posted: 01-07-06 16:33pm
Sorry, but I don't really agree w/ your
last post. I think this is what is wrong
with america's kids today. They are
living in unstable environments. It is
good that you know that you and your
husband can't get along now, but I was
encouraging you to try to work it out by
talking to a minister or church official.
So many of our marriage conselors now
advicate divorce if you "just can't get
along" well..You got along fine prior to
having a child. And I am speaking for
myself too, I think that too many people
use the asy route to get out. My advice
is not to keep having relationships as
this only causes confusion for your
children. Having 3 and four moms and dads
is not howe it should be. Just my
opinion...And good luck :)
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shinein
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 20 Dec 2005 Posts: 3
Re: :( Posted: 01-08-06 17:16pm
loveydovey
wrote:
sorry, but I don't really
agree w/ your last post. I think this is
what is wrong with america's kids today.
They are living in unstable environments.
It is good that you know that you and
your husband can't get along now, but I
was encouraging you to try to work it out
by talking to a minister or church
official. So many of our marriage
conselors now advicate divorce if you
"just can't get along" well..You got along
fine prior to having a child. And I am
speaking for myself too, I think that too
many people use the asy route to get out.
My advice is not to keep having
relationships as this only causes
confusion for your children. Having 3
and four moms and dads is not howe it
should be. Just my opinion...And good
luck :)
sounds like you thought the last post was
me (shinein) but it isn't, it is someone
completely different. Just wanted to
straighten that out.
But do let me respond to your suggestion
of working things out with a minister,
church official, or for that matter,
anyone else that is there is help in these
situations. What most people have a hard
time believing or maybe understanding, is
that our relationship cannot be mended.
It simply cannot. We don't argue and
fight like dogs, we spat. So this isn't a
violent or ill-tended relationship. It's
just an unhealthy, unhappy, non-marriage
like relationship. We are like
acquaintances with a marriage license. It
may sound unfeeling and wrong, but that is
what it can be called from our viewpoint.
This relationship was not destroyed by one
of us or both. Him and I are too
different to share a union. There is love
but not the "in love". I care for him as
the parent of my child and vice versa. We
were contemplating staying together for
our son's sake, but realized it really was
not good for him at all. Raising a child
in an atmosphere with no love between
mommy and daddy is not normal, nor, most
importantly, fair.
This was not decided on lightly. This is
not easy for anyone. But with that being
said, I can say that i'm glad I am doing
this while our son is still a baby. It's
harder the longer you wait. He is our
priority and i'm confident this will be
best for him. My husband and I are
completely amicable and we respect each
other enough to never "trash talk" each
other to our child. We have no reason to
anyways. We are both good people, just
not good together.
In my opinion, when the relationship is
meant to be, or when two people are
***truly*** in love, it can work with
enough work, ie..Counseling. But not in
our situation.
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danthadon
Experienced User , Rather EHEALTHy
Joined: 24 Dec 2005 Posts: 53 Location: BC
Just Curious Posted: 01-10-06 23:04pm
What were the main factors that
interrupted your marriage. Divorce is
just something i'm scared of for my future
marriage. I dont want to fail in mine.
What was so dysfunctional about yours??
And I hope that you find the right man
that makes you happy because once you do
find the one that is able to change for
you thats when you know you found tha
right one. Your best bet is a christian
guy :wink:
i know you'l find love once again, my
prayers are all for you.
Take care of yourself
