My boyfriend never has any money! He works in construction and seems to be busy most of the time so it seems strange that he has nothing to show for all hard work. He doesnât have a checking account and doesnât think he needs one. I donât think he's gambling his money away but iâm not sure how to get to the bottom of the problem. We recently moved in together and he is not helping me with the bills. I care a lot about him but I cannot stay with him if I have to support him. Any suggestions?? :?
Just sit him down and have a nice talk with him and let him know that you cannot afford to support him and set him up with a pay schedule but do it in a nice way the sooner the better before you blow up at him
good luck and keep us posted.
The only to really get to the bottom of this, is to fully understand the disorder. Part of bi-polar symptoms are when the person is feeling depressed, they will (shop) and spend beyond their means, sort of a (euphoria) to temporarily feel better about themselves.
This is part of his condition and if he is currently seeing a doctor for this, it's best to go with him, and explain your concernsto the therapist and they can help come up with many solutions.
The last thing you should do is try to solve this by yourself, as he might think you're (controling) him, his money, and his life, and thigns might worsen as time goes by.
This is a lesson, my mother in law and I have had to learn over the past years, it is not easy, and was very hard to comprehend that this is happening, but there is help.
Take it from someone who is going through it, I hope this helps.
Thank you both for your suggestions. We have agreed that he pay me $250 a week to cover his portion of the rent and he has been able to provide me with the $. I earn more than him and will pay the cost of the utilities. It is frustrating for me because I have asked him on several occasions to explain to me where his money goes and he becomes defensive. He doesn't have a checking account and deals with cash only. Maybe that's why he can't hold on to it because he doesn't actually deposit money into an account. In my opinion, you would think that he would be tired of always being broke and want to find a way to manage his money and not be financially irresponsible but he doesn't see it that way. To him, that's the way it is and always will be. I have to say that i've been extremely patient and foregiving with him. He got desperate not too long ago and cashed in a large container of my coins without telling me. I only found out when I went to move it and it was empty!! I don't know if his problem is related to depression but he is taking 1500mg of depakote daily + cymbalta. I guess meds aren't the cure all!
My husband was like that and he destroyed my account by letting his friends have access to his debit card, very long pathetic story.
It's taken a long time to be able to trust him with money after that, but now his mother is on an account with him, and she recieves statements, and the three of us go over the budget each month, instead of just leaving him alone with an open bank account. We are trying to move into a house, and for the most of last year he has been a lot more responsible with money.
There have been a few incidents of "splurging" but it's no where near as bad as it used to be.
I think as long as we're all on the same page so to speak, with whats going on, and he's honest about what he's spending, it makes it a lot easier. One time he spent $600 on a computer he wanted, and I had no choice but to call his mother and tell her so she can record it on the budget plan and he was all stressed out and thought we would make him take it back, and it turned out we just wanted him to be honest so we don't wonder where the heck $600 disappeared to.... And he has to be able to trust us, too... Which is hard for him,,, but like I say, so far it's working.
And the scary thing is he got a new pay pal card, and all he has to do is go online and transfer however much he wants and i'd never know it.
Except the statement comes in the mail, and he's busted. So his mother made him promise no more buying online. ;)
he only does these things when he's going through depression again, my main clue is when he's craving chocolate, and all he wants to do is veg... Next thing I know we're 200 dollars short for the month.
Now i'm not sure about the medication, you mentioned depakote....And something else, my hubby is taking lithium and for the most part it just sorta takes the edge off I guess, keeps him balanced until it's time for his next dose.
His doctor said, and its in the handouts from therapy, that spending money, or "splurging" is part of the depression, it acts sort of like a "high," it's usually temporary but they (someone with bi-polar) can't control it.
Thank god his mother and I are pretty close, we can handle this together and we always help each other de-stress, and we usually have a cup of tea together, and come up with new ways of handling ways of telling him no. Sometimes it sucks but we have to be strong together.
~good luck to you.
Celticjenn: our stories are similar but it sounds like your situation is definitely under better control than mine. I have been living with my bf for only 3 months so this is all new to me but didn't come entirely as a surprise. I found out he had to move from his previous house because he wasn't paying the rent on time. He also convinced me that he could pay half of the rent and utilities but i've paid significantly more of the bills than him. We have 3 more months on our lease and I have to decide at that time if he's worth staying with. I really donât trust him and even hide my valuables because iâm afraid if he gets desperate he may pawn them off. I sort of doubt he would but I am still leary. Itâs interesting that you mentioned the chocolate craving. My bf has those episodes as well but I havenât related them to depression. I also cannot figure out what heâs spending the money on as he doesnât have much to show for all the money he spends. He denies having a gambling problem and I donât believe he is able to pay his ex-girlfriend child support for their son. Despite all of this I still love him and hope that we can work through our problems.