why men cheat
1. bordom
2. b/c they want to see if they can get away with it
3. someone guys feel like it's too many choices/women
4."i wont go looking to cheat, but if a women throws it in my face, i m going to take it"
5.no respect for themselves or women.
6. in stressful relationship, someone else showing interest.
7. drugs alcohol contributes to it.
8. pressure from single friends.
9.change of heart decides they dont want to be in a long term relationship or marriage.
10. fell out of love with their mate.
11. strong chemistry with someone else.

Men and women cheat for alot of reason, most having to do with the way they feel about themselves and what's happening in their lives. I have seen many men that truly love their families cheat anyway because of the way the other woman makes them "feel". A new fresh face complimenting them and telling them they're the best thing since sliced bread can easily go to their heads .(if you'll excuse the pun!)
What wife would willingly allow cheating to go on? It erodes self-esteem and changes the relationship forever. People who choose to cheat with a married person have no self-respect. If they did, they wouldn't need to go after someone else's partner and settle for half their time. They don't think or care about the children involved, and how it will tear their world apart too. But the blame lies with the married cheater first and foremost. They KNOW they are married. Why do they aways choose to cheat first, instead of going to their spouse and talking about things that are bothering them? Why can't theyt break up with their partner first, before they cheat? Because they still want that backup if things don't work out, which is a selfish and humiliating thing to do. It's a really sad cycle that could be made so much better if spouses would talk instead of keeping their feelings to themselves, OR sharing with someone else outside the marriage. This does more harm than good, as we obviously can see from the high divorce rate.

IMO, men cheat because there is something missing in their marriage...The closeness of their yesterday is gone...Children come in the way...They resent not being sexually loved as they were to start...Their wife who used to be hot, no longer does what she used to do...Oral sex becomes part of their past...Yet they pleasure her...The words "not tonight dear" are greeted more frequently...When she does accept his wants, many times she makes him feel like it is a corporal work of mercy....Another women comes along...She dominates his mind...She is powerful...She says all the words of wisdom that a woman has forgotten to say...She makes love to him...She chases after him...She is all that his wife used to be...Not that he loves her more, but that she makes him feel like he used to feel....And this is sad....

Years ago when I married I made a vow...I vowed that even after the children came that I would always remember that this man choose me to go to the ball with him...I swore that as much as I loved my babies that I would always tell him that he was my favorite...And for all these years I have...Never stopped...So in saying this, in his mind, he is my favorite....All it takes is one mind to work with the other....

Just my thoughts...
Caroline

Is it cheating when the wife knows about it? How would it be? Some people have that type of arrangement. She may even be encouraging him to find loves outside of their marriage.

Does it make the other woman a bad person? No. In some cases the wife and the girlfriend are the best of friends. It's bad behavior when a woman knows a man is married and his wife has no knowledge of his affair. IMO these type of women are snakes but it doesn't make them bad people just people with bad behavior.

Trying to get the man to just do the right thing? Well, if the wife knows, how do you know it's not an arrangement/agreement they have? It's not your place to try and correct the man's actions. Especially in those situations where the couple are in some type of open relationship. Unless they have told you that and given you permission to set some guidelines for their marriage, it's not for you to get him to "do the right thing" because you feel its wrong or feel bad.

Sorry Caroline, but I have to disagree with your observations to a point. Cheating is not only about sex. Sure, there is sex involved, that's what makes it cheating, but if the sex part were true, then why do many marriages stay together after an affair? My husband always came first with me, above my kids and everyone else. He had my undivided attention all the time. That's what made me so shocked and devastated when he cheated, and alo so quick for me to spot. Our sex life was fantastic, and we rarely fought. Were together all the time. But some women are relentless in their pursuit, and that can break a man down. My husband told me afterwards it was NOT about the sex. Actual sex is about an hour out of the day, sometimes more or less. You have to be able to keep them interested the other 23 hours, through all the daily grind and events of family, which are NOT part of the affair. Affairs basically give them a break from married life...but they forget, that this too will get old. If the other woman cheated with you, she'll cheat ON you too. It's a fact that more second marriages fail than first. Because they get to finaly see that that other woman gets tired, and busy just as easy as the wife does, once she has to do those OTHER things for a man his wife does.

raven53...I believe many women just do not care if they cheat...This way he will not be bothering them sexually...They hate it to start...They see this man as their financial stability...They have children plus no means to hire an attorney...The man is the wage earner...Many of them have seen this in their own upbringing and find it acceptable...They live on promises that it will not happen again, but many just don't care...This is not the majority or is it?...It's a crazy world out there...

On the second part of your statement when a man is being pursued, he is flattered...If the woman is younger chances are that it will break off and it will just be some casual sex...BUT, if a woman is older and wiser to the ways of the world, you have your hands full...I have found, as you have probably found out too, that as a woman ages, a new part of her sexual awakening comes forward...She is not only bold, but she is confident...She is willing to go after her prey and know that she can win him over..Sometimes she will fight tooth and nail for him....Her problem...She is sexually alive and needs the filling that woman needs...That ache between her legs cry's out for the hunger of man....She can be a dynamite adversary.....and may I add, she knows it....

The other woman does not think along the lines of daily grind...These are far from her thoughts...She is a 10 and on top of the world...She is a lover...She does not think like a wife, but as a lover...This is what is so alluring to man...He sees one thing...Hot woman....He is finding youth...The thing about life that is crippling his mind is set free...He is getting his quick fix...Being put on a pedestal...And may I add, even more important...Babied....Treasured....And in many way, eaten alive....

You say that affairs basically give men a break from married life...Here I will say that this is not always true....I believe that in some ways that this could be an old wives tale that is used and repeated...Kind of way back when.....Nowadays, there is a tremendous shortage of men...When a woman sees a good looking man who drives her wild, she is more apt to hang on....How long, nobody knows...But she will give it her all....Remember she is in want...Big want...

Now about the second marriages failing, I believe as you do that they do fail...However, not for the same reason that you do...I believe that guilt can work it's way in between both of them...Words are spoken that shouldn't be spoken...Maybe regret from both sides for the hurt in life that they have caused...The sex that they are now having isn't the same....Before it was forbidden sex.....Now it is allowed sex.....Hence, this could be the reason why so many marriages fail....

I believe that a wife has got to keep up the hot attitude with her husband of forbidden sex....Be all that she can be in bed...Surprise him...Become his lover...Lead the game of sexual love...Watch for signs of his sexual failings...Take action....But these are just my thoughts....

Caroline

I think men cheat bc they think they can get away with it...it goes with the saying "you always want what you dont have"...some of the most beautiful women in this world have been cheated on:elizabeth hurley, sienna miller etc...its ridiculous...not ALL men all dogs of course but I think we've all ran into our fair share of jerks...of course there are more reasons for cheating...but there should be absolutely NO justification for it...i dont care how lonely you are in your marriage..you made a vow..so at least try to fix it...or end it...dont cheat dont live a lie....and the 2nd part of the question..if a woman KNOWS the man is involved with another woman and pursues the man despite that..then yes shes a bad person...karma...it is completely and utterly disrespectful to go after another womans man knowing hes taken...

I'm sorry, I simply do not agree with you until the end of your comments, which sound alot like what I previously said. Excuse me, I may be wrong, but from all your comments on these boards, you seem to be quite preoccupied with sex. while I can applaud you at your age for this, If you have not gone through the horrors of an affair, and you have not been the other woman, then maybe you need a tad more insight. The other woman just wants to be LOVED. Usually she is coming from a broken relationship of her own and feeling insecure. She wants a man to appreciate her again. Flattery is the bait and sex is the weapon. But what happens to the other 23 hours in the day when the sex is over? You have to have a relationship with this person outside of the sex. They have different friends, family, and habits. If they end up together, sex gets routine, just like it did with the wife. Let's face it, you can dress it up, and change positions, but in the end, it's still just sex. Their relationship is based on lies and deceit from the start, hence the reason so many men go back to their wives.
Most aging men slow down sexually to a degree. Not all, but most. Maybe you have one that need alot more love. I think a younger woman has a better chance of keeping the man than the older woman. The one that went after my husband was 6 years older than him, and apparently, she must not have been so hot in the sack, because he came crawling back home crying like a baby after a month. I have been in council with many woman and men going through this and not one has said that it was basically for the sex. That's the part that causes the divorce, but as I said before. It's the way the other person made the cheating spouse feel about themself. Sometimes just the flattery alone was enough to start the fire. You stated in another post that your husband admitted to you that even he could have been tempted, so there you go. Some men are weaker than others. There are many reasons for affairs. It's the sex that makes it so devastating and leads to divorce, but in ANY relationship, new or old, sex can get predictable. Sooner or later we all get old, and then you have to rely on the closeness of your souls being connected... how you can laugh together, and share memories and family. Those are the things that make a good marriage. And I have also found in my travels, that many marriages are still strong without sex. Whether it be through an illness of the spouse, or advanced age, their love is still strong because they shared a life together. Maybe it's not our marriages that go this route, thank goodness, but there are some. I've seen men lose a wife who has been ill for a long period of time mourn so much they die within the next few years themselves, because their love was stronger than the body. They had become one internally, more than physically. Personally I'd love to know my husband cared that much about me when my time comes. It's the ultimate reward for a wife's job well done. I don't know about you, but I want to be loved for more than just what's between my legs, and any woman that settles for less, must not think much of herself in my book.

i have to agree with raven...it isn't ALL about the sex...sex does not keep a marriage alive..yes it helps..alot..however, it isn't sex alone that holds a relationship together..

I'm with you worrywart01!
There is no justification for going after someone else's partner. when you do this, you set yourelf up for just as much heartache as the family of the cheater sooner or later. And you are branded a homewrecker for life, whether the man leaves or not. And usually when men cheat, the other woman is very similar to the wife in looks and mannerisms. If people would talk to their partners, instead of turning outside the marriage for support as most do, there would be alot less divorces today. Wouldn't it be easier to try that first, than wreck a marriage you spent a lifetime trying to build? "FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE"...what happened to those vows?

I believe in marriage...I have had over 50 years of the most wonderful passion and closeness that a woman has ever known...He adores me and I him.....We made vows long ago...We have never broken them...However, nowadays people do...They don't know any better...They have grown up with young partners and played the game of changing sex buddies so many times that marriage no longer takes on the same tones as it did years ago...

About my husband on the younger woman coming after him...I said I could tell from the look in his eye that he may have been tempted...I should have said it was a great memory...We are older and enjoy these moments in time...I asked him once if she was pretty...His answer was that she was cuter than a bugs ear...I asked him then why wasn't he tempted...She had come on to him so strong and his reply that I was all the woman in life that he had ever wanted.....End of this story...

IMO, men cheat because there is something missing in their marriage...With God as my witness I am lucky that my husband did not take up with the younger woman…I was not near as good a wife as I am now..I took him for granted…Sex was on my terms…We got along wonderful, but the sexual part of our life did not meet what a woman should be…As for you, you have been to your meetings of women and I have had many write me...So many have been hurt…..If they had only known and unfortunately, for many it is all sexual...Many speak of this after they have lost their mate....Believe me, I do not come on here to see my own words in front of me...I know what I am speaking about...However, each woman has her own thought process...Mine just keeps on going full steam ahead....and I don't intend to stop it....

I know of what goes on in life...So many marriages are not taken seriously...Affairs going on in the office...Meeting at lunch for quickies...Unfortunately, this is not unusual...So often it is the older women in their middle 30's on up that need this new found filling...You may not like the word, but that is just what it is...They have awakened and want what the animal in them seeks...Many husbands are already on the downward trend in their sexuality and just plain do not keep them sexually satisfied...This is called life....,

I know of life...Maybe not your life, but of the many women who have written me...End of that subject...When I have time and in the mood for having the crap beat out of me, and am still on this site, I will Topic on "Cheating"...Not now...This is called my recovery time....I am trying my hardest to remember that I am here to help...

I help out on Relationship, Menopause, Hysterectomy, and Carpal Tunnel...Yet you say

"from all your comments on these boards, you seem to be quite preoccupied with sex."

My comment to you is, maybe you are not enough preoccupied with sex...plus you do not read too well.....

Now about my being preoccupied with sex...That is really kind of a joke..Four years ago last Mother's Day, I was normal...If that is what you want to call it...Then I went to Orlando..On the 12th or Concierge floor of the Contemporary Hotel, I let it all hang out..There began my story of ejaculating..Enough said on this...However, before this date and after arriving home I found a new woman in me..Never had googled anything before on the Internet...A friend of mine told me to google "intercourse"...I did, and away I went...Never saw, but one movie of Porn in my life before that date..That was Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee Jones, never saw a sex book and hardly ever masturbated...If you compare us now to then, we were in kindergarten...Shocked everyone when I went on a sexual site trying to find out what was happening to me..They thought I was blogging and I was just telling the story of the rapture and bliss that I was learning of sex...I didn't know what a blog was...I never knew what a vibrator was until that same time...Got my first one three years ago last January...All this is in archives of posts on the Internet...Many people helped put Humpty Dumpty together...You see, unlike you, I was lost...Yet with the limited amount of sexual knowledge I had, I was able to make a wonderful marriage...Saying this, we now live in hog heaven...

With this new awakening came a knowledge of sexuality that I just couldn't deal with, I guess this is why I talk to Patti...Let's put it this way...I have not needed any lubrication for near four years....And it still grows...My husband had been on Viagra for three years before this happened, yet I choose with no thought of what I was going to do, to change him off of it...Did it in three months...So am I preoccupied with sex?...No, not really...But I love it...We are only sexual maybe two or three times a week...Believe me, I am not always the leader of the pack...We are madly in love...Each afternoon if we are busy we just lay on the bed to talk of life..We are that close...I am an expert in antiques and deal all over the world..My husband has his computer and server in the family room downstairs and mine is in the guest room upstairs...The house we built 7 years ago is a dream to any woman...We designed it ourselves...I am preoccupied with living and selling and two Yorkie puppies that we adore...Believe me, you don't know me yet dare to judge me...This amazes me...However, I must remember that this is the Internet...I am fair game...Don't show your face unless you want someone to throw mud on it...Here I am a slow learner...I guess time will tell if I get used to the taste of mud or flee?....

When I post here, I have to be me...If it is too bold then the Administrator can take my Moderator status away...Saying this, I still would stay...Then I would have something to prove...Nobody, but nobody is going to make me stand in the corner and hide....You see, you did that last night...I found shame....You made me feel terrible...Like a dirty little girl that was trying to take her panties down and show the boys her secret between her legs....That kind of shame...I haven't felt that for nearly four years...This is the reason I write to women...And I don't like to hurt....Last night I hurt….Today I am strong…I refuse to do two things....To be stood in the corner, or to be fenced in....I guess they are kind of the same thing...

Now I promise you that I will not be a smart as* any longer...Will not answer this topic again...Actually won't even look at it...For the feelings that I have in life and love for this man, plus my new knowledge of sexuality of a woman, I would not sell it for a million dollars......

again I will have to disagree..there are MANY men out there that will swear up and down that their wife is the PERFECT woman..you can be a perfect 10 in bed..some men are just wired to want more than what they have..it does not by any means mean that there is something wrong with the marriage or the woman..it takes TWO for a marriage...some men just have wondering eyes and just cant seem to say "no"..it has nothing to do with how great the woman is in bed..or how great of a wife she is...I read your posts and it seems to me like you partly blame the woman for the man cheating..like she isn't doing something right...if thats the case then it obviously needs to be talked about bc regardless of whether the woman is delivering sexually or not..if the man cheats HE is still in the wrong bc HE broke the vow...now if the sex in the marriage is a problem..get a couselor...vows are made for a reason..you make a promise to someone that you will belong to them mentally, emotionally and physically for the rest of your life...going out and having an affair and then using the excuse "my wife wasn't delivering" is not ok...it is just as much the mans fault as it is the womans and the marriage lies in the hands of both not just the wife...if my husband starts sucking in bed i'm not gonna run off and screw the next good looking man that happens to hit on me..no...theres no justifying that..its wrong period...
thats my thoughts....

Don't you understand that I am agreeing that a man should not cheat...I told my husband years ago I would pull a Lorraine Bobbit if he did.....I screamed in that post because of what was said of me...

I will agree that there are men who were wired to cheat, but I sure would have had the brains not to marry them...As I have said an occasional mistake happens...I would have forgiven my husband because I just plain adore him...Many women love him and I am sure that he said I was all woman for the moment, but then thinking again, he probably meant it...And well he should...I believe unless a woman feel that she is the tops in being the ultimate sexual turn on in bed, that she is losing the best part of herself...I don't plan on losing anything...I give it my all...You see I am going all out to make enemies tonight...Like I care...I tried it the other way and it didn't work....

There should be no reason for cheating, but they do...I have a neighbor that lives close by...She is 37 and I think he is around that age...Well educated with a part time career in her respective field...They have been married for 16 years with four kids...He works for a very big company...Very big job...Every trip he takes, she goes along...She even did this with the new baby three years ago..If it is Summer, they all go...Spring break, again it is a family thing...If school is on, she gets a relative or Nanny and goes with him...He is very good looking with a big job...If a woman has an attractive husband that turn on women, this IMO makes it worse for us...Kind of law of the new jungle.....Knowing what I now do, and believe me, I know a lot, I wonder how many women know what goes on at Conventions or big meetings...It is not their husbands fault as much as it is drinking and the women hanging around the bars after them...Many from their same company...

My husband had a big job...Traveled to conventions and meeting..He would call me at night when he came back from the bar...Guys picking up women...Not right but they did...One complained bitterly to him that his wife would never get it on with him...I saw her...I believe it...

this is sort of steming off of what carolina said about work events:anyone seen the movie obsessed? the woman throws herself at that man!..ooo that movie really struck a nerve..bc that is truly the case in which you are speaking of caroline..the man denies the woman yet she still continues to pursue him...i guess i dont understand HOW someone can cheat if they're in love? like i said there are men who swear up and down they love their wives and it may be the truth but ultimately when that love was tested by another woman and the man gives in..where do you go from there? i cannot imagine staying in a relationship if i were cheated on....i think every relationship goes through some point in time when trust is tested...we've had our rough times...he knows if he ever cheated on me it'd be over...i'm very much in love with him but a relationship without trust to me is not a relationship..and cheating is the ultimate betrayal to me...i mean clothes dont just magically pop off..you have to take them off..and if at SOME point my name doesnt cross your mind while you're undressing another female..then THATS a problem...and if it does and you STILL dont stop..thats even WORSE!

Caroline, sorry if my post upset you, but if you go back and reread your posts, sex is basically all you talk about. It's wonderful that you have such a good relationship with your husband, but I am getting TMI from you, and finding it a bit uncomfortable.. almost like you are trying to hard to convince us. Sex is an important part of marriage, that's true, but it's only a small part in the total package. Affairs don't start out with sex. They start out with flattery and BS. It's a fresh new face, telling your man he's the hottest, sexiest thing. Think back to when another man flattered you. It was better because it was someone ELSE. There is no way that a long marriage is going to stay as hot as you claim yours is until you die we all age, illnesses come along, and then what happens? Are you going to go looking for someone else? I saw an old couple at the market the other day... neither of them could barely move, yet there the man was, helping his poor crippled wife around the store. It was so touching. You enjoy the sexual love you are getting from your man. As for me, my sex life is great, but I want MORE than that. I want to know my husband respects me as more than just a sexual object. And now he does, because he sees that I must love him more than anyone else ever could to have been able to swallow all the torture he put me through, and take him back. Our marriage is closer than ever, but I don't feel the need to go into every personal detail. Yes I too have talked to many women, AND men, and I am happy to say, have saved many a good marriage from going South because I taught those victims not to be a doormat and take the crap a cheater dishes out, whether they mean to be mean or not. NOBODY deserves to be hurt like that. It is the ultimate betrayal. But you also have to know that once it's over, you STOP talking about it. There is no need to bring it up over and over...to keep the wound open. Make the committment to move forward, and start learning to connect with each other again. Which, I might add, was what should have been done in the first place!

Worrywart01, you are a great person! You and I think alike! God gave us ALL a brain, and the opportunity to make choices. Now, if people would just stop and use that brain, there would be alot less misery in the world! Life is hard enough, without us adding more chaos to the mix!

wow! what a heated topic!

i've been the "other women", and the women that was cheated on in my life time.

i believe that all of your answers are right.
devinecaroline.com says the top 10 reasons are
1. Because they had the option.
2. It boosts their ego.
3. You grow apart.
4. You argue a lot
5. They have fallen out of love
6. Your sex life stinks
7. To get revenge.
8. It’s new, different and exciting.
9. To see if they can get away with it
10. Because you have allowed it in the past.

from my understanding guys i knew cheated b/c they was bored and didnt get along with their wife. i believe they are only having fun, and would go back to their wives if they were found out.
i watched 60 minutes or 20/20 and they said from the survey they have taken it was "someone else showing them attention or making them feel special.

my mom knew and stayed with my dad hoping he will change, or the relationship with the other person will end.

some women want to keep the family together, it would be hard to leave financially, love them and forgive the guy.

there are a lot of lonely desperate women out there. i had a g/f who was very envious of me, and she kept telling me how cute my b/f is and asked about our sex life all the time, so i stop talking to her.

Let me tell you, it has taken every bit of restraint in my body to keep me from reading what raven53's last message to me was....Saying this, I passed "go" and didn't look at it after it was entered, and I am passing "go" again....Believe me, this is not like me....You see the gun can come out of the holster far too easy...Then God help me a cannon can follow...With my new "Sheriff" role, I have found that this can physically hurt... I am now passing again!!!..

Caroline

do you not feel even just a LITTLE bit guilty for being that "other woman"...??? did you KNOW these men were taken by another woman and yet you involved yourself anyway? ? that is ONE thing that gets me fired up real quick..I will sit here and say in all honesty I have NO respect for a woman who gets herself involved w/a TAKEN man..and i have absolutely no sympathy for them when they find out they're just being used and get their heart broken...I would NEVER EVER think about touching another womans man..and i expect the same respect..otherwise..be ready to fight..bc the claws will come out...KARMA...you'll find you a man one day that you love more than anything..and you'll find him with another woman..then you'll know exactly how it feels to be betrayed

i agree with everything you just said.

when i was in my late teens i did things without thinking, and later in my life it has come back to bite me in my butt 10 fold. and it is those experiences that made me the person i am today.
i wouldnt messed with a guy that's taken. matter of fact i am very protective of my heart. im in a relationship now.
but if i was dating it would be easy for me to rule out most guys that tries to talk to me knowing they have a live in girlfriend or wife.
some guys lie!!!!!!!!!