Andrea - what you are describing certainly sounds to me like you are experiencing anxiety, and panic attacks. If you were to see pschyciatrist or mental health professional, I can only guess that they would probably not classify you with post traumatic stress disorder, but another type of disorder. Do you feel like you have some insecurity issues? Major fear of abandonment? From what you are saying, it certainly sounds like you do. I also imagine you are experiencing some major depression, and have focused all your attention and time into your boyfriend as your source of happiness. I really hope that you can develop some other close relationships with your friends, family and the like. I think it would be very wise of you to seek more help - like chatting to a counsellor/therapist or even your school counsellor.
Please take good care of you...Boyfriends will come and go in your life - but you are the best person to look out for you.

Kahlan.

Wow...For once in my life I finally feel understood. It's like you know me personally or something. That's crazy....You're awesome. Well, I left that post a long while ago, (2 months maybe?) and I have been waiting for a reply, and finally I got it. My fear hasn't gone away either. It has somewhat . . . But it gets better and worse. And at the moment it is at a worse time. I 100% have insecurity issues, and my biggest fear is being alone. I do feel as if my boyfriend is what brings me happiness. It's so bad to the point where if he doesn't call me when he says he will, I freak out, and then can't fall asleep that night. He tells me all the time that he wants to marry me one day, and that he will never leave me again, and that it was a huge mistake to leave me in the first place. I just still can't get past this. I don't know why, I try so hard, and I just can't let go of the betrayal and hurt I felt. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. Sometimes I panic so much that I just shake and feel like i'm going to throw up. It's horrible . . . At this very moment I am feeling it. Because he got off work at 12 (and said he would call me when he's off), and it is now 12:15.....It's been only 15 minutes and i'm already freaking out. I really hate this. I hate the way I am. Thanks for listening, and thanks for your help. Means more to me then you could know :)

Your situation sounds very similar to one of my own from the past. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. There is a good book that you could look for called "i hate you-don't leave me". It sounds as if your problems are centered around the fear of abandonment. I am not a trained expert, so I cannot make the diagnosis, but I believe anyone experiencing abandonment issues as you obviously are, could benefit from reading this book. I would also seek help. I went to my university provided psychologists, but did not get the help I needed. Finally I sat down and thought of all of my symptoms, wrote them down, and contacted a pyschologist in the area who specialized in similar problems to my own. During our first meeting, I went over my list. It was one of the hardest things for me to do because I had to admit a lot of negative things that I wasn't ready to face. Because those things were out in the open, my psychologist was able to help in a more efficient way, and the therapy really helped a lot. Even though I thought I hated my psychologist on some days.
You also sound as if you look to the relationship for happiness, a sense of higher self esteem, or even a false identity. I fell victim to this way of thinking, and it was very distructive to my life. You have to remember that no matter how good a person your boyfriend is, he cannot make you happy. You have to be happy and sure of your identity on your own. My boyfriend and I ended up breaking up, but staying good friends. We didn't do a very good job of keeping the actions appropriate for friends if you know what I mean, but the fact was that I couldn't depend on him to be there in a dating relationship. He showed me love no matter what I did or what happened, but because the relationship was not a dating one, it was able to be more healthy for both of us. Finally things are back on track for me, and because he showed me love no matter what my short comings were, I was able to start loving myself for the first time. We are still not technically dating because the timing is just not quite right yet, but if you and your boyfriend are in love as you say you are, you won't loose him if you take a break, and that is probably what you need most. If you face the biggest fear you have right now, you won't have that to fear anymore. The fear of abandonment has less to do with the person you are in the relationship with than it does with you.
To sum up my advice, take time for your self. Become educated on what it is that makes you feel the way you do. Once you gain that knowledge, you can start to change things. Seek professional help, and everything else will fall into place. Find out who you are, and where you want to be in life. Remember.....You are entitled to feel any way you want....It's what you do with those feeling that counts. (like the phone calls...There is a difference between what you think and what you feel. It may seem unnatural or even impossible to go with the thinking side, but you'll thank yourself later I promise.)
good luck. I've been there, and it gets better if you want it to.

i just now read this part. I would have added this to my previous post, but anyway.....

You mentioned that you are not past the hurt and betrayal you are feeling. I don't know what your life was like when you were growing up, but i'm sure that you were hurt many times in life. I am going to explain a session with my pyschologist with you.

She drew me a picture on a dry erase board of the outline of a ginger bread boy...Or girl. It was blank on the inside. She defined the blank ginger bread boy as the way we all were when we were a baby. We had not yet experienced any negative words, actions, or feelings. As we grow, there are times that our parents or someone else might scold you. Each time I came up with an example of a time I might have felt hurt, the pyschologist drew a little circle inside the gingerbread boy. We went through childhood all the way up to the present. By the time that we were through just giving small basic examples, the inside of the ginger bread boy was covered with spots....Spots that could cause negative emotions such as hurt, betrayal, or just plain low self esteem. By never letting any of those go, it is easy to see how jumbled your emotions and thoughts must be. All of that can build up to the point that if affects your relationships the way your's have. To try and fix these things...And make the gingerbread boy blank again, my pyschologist gave me homework. I was told to think about everyone who had hurt me in my life, and then write them a letter letting them know how I felt. I was to really express my feelings no matter how hateful or scary they may have been. I was then to either distroy or keep the letters, but then move on and leave those experiences behind. That exercise really helped me, so I hope that it will help you as well.

I have a lot more advice for you, but I figure this isn't the best place to try and give it. Also, I don't want to try to be a substitute for a trained individual. I just want to offer support because I know what it's like to go insane wondering if the person you love is going to leave you. I don't want things to get as bad for you as they did for me.

Thank you so much for all of your advice.

Here I am now, it has been just over a year since me and my boyfriend have been together, and I am still not doing well. The nightmares continue, and the panic attacks and.....Everything else. I cry myself to sleep and if anything, things are just getting worse. Because now me and my boyfriend fight all the time, over stupid things, and we say the meanest things to each other. I feel sometimes as if we are only together because it's convienient for the both of us. He doesn't like being alone and either do i. I never tell any of this to my friends, because the roll their eyes at me and call me stupid. Me and my boyfriend unfortunately have a very materialistic relationship, and because of that, my friends think that everything is perfect, so I will try to say something and it is ignored. Only one of my friends lets me tell her everything that happens, and she listens carefully to my feelings. She tells me that I should figure out what is happening, because I might end up screwing things up even bigger.

I just feel stuck. I feel sad all the time. Even when I am with him. The minute he leaves me house, I go into my room and just cry, because I didn't want him to leave. I know I will see him the next day, but I hate seeing him leave.

Even though we fight a lot, the good times even it all out. We still have a lot of good and loving times together, and that makes me feel as if I still want to be with him.

But, I can't believe that I am still having those stupid nightmares. Almost everynight.

I am only 17, I know it is young, and my boyfriend turns 18 in two days. I am so scared, this is when I think we will break up. He will want to go out all the time with his friends and get drunk, and I will be ignored and alone. I have had so many nightmares lately, that he comes to me and says he wants to just be alone.

And everyday he tells me how much he loves me, I say it back, but in my head I can't stop thinking, "if you really did love me as much as you say, you would have never hurt me the way you did". Not only this, I feel as if the whole 5 months before our breakup was nothing but a lie. I think of any memories we made together before them as a lie. Whenever I think of it, it makes me sad.

I don't know what to do....

If this relationship is bringing you such unhappiness, such conflict, such apprehension it may be you are not holding on to the love (because what is there clearly isn't stable) but to the excitement of the tragedy and the distraction it brings from having to deal with reality and make some positive decisions for yourself. I'm not clear if you are getting professional help, but if you are or if you do you will become convinced you are the pilot of your own life and your own happiness, that you will survive without your boyfriend and that you in fact, with your head clear and the drama over, be positioned better to get a new boyfriend you can establish a more calm relationship with, one that doesn't rest on constant terror. It is scary to let go of the edge of the pool and get out in the deep water
when you're sure you are going to drown. But you won't drown. You will float.