Therapy for 10 years, each time, after 2
years....My therapists went elsewhere,
forcing me to start over. New therapist,
'bout a year and a half now.
I'm a cutter.
Borderline personality disorder
severe anxiety disorder
severe ptsd
most recent catastrophic events: after 10
years, my lover split, moved to cali to be
with someone else whom she'd never even
met face to face, leaving me to my own
devices, no work and a severe shut in.
I had to move back home with the folks,
completely dependent on them, trying for
medicaid and disability. I'm 30, living
in a camper with 3 cats and on food
stamps. The lover split 2 years ago
exactly.
Now that we've covered the basics.
I feel like I have no place to turn. I
found out recently that my ex is back in
town, living in my state again with this
other girl. Now, my usual first instinct
is: find them, kill them, kill myself and
be done with it. I ran across a website
'myspace.Com' if you're familiar with it.
It's a sort of diary type blog style
website. I found them both on there,
read both of their profiles, couldn't stop
myself. Amazingly enough, my usual
instinct didn't really come into play.
But my insides felt like they were
shutting down, and still do. I stare
blankly and feel some very serious rage.
I want to hurt someone, just don't know
who it's going to end up being, guess
whoever crosses my path on the wrong day.
I feel completely lost. I feel like if I
try to talk to someone about it, they'll
think, that was 2 years ago, get over it.
The problem is, I got zero closure. I
got a dear john letter and a little money
in an envelope, that was it. I never had
a chance to fight it. I feel like that's
what's been holding me back. I know I
have to move past this, there's nothing
that can be done to get closure without
some bloodshed, this is not an option. I
never even had a chance to cry.
It seems as though each time I think about
it, my heart breaks all over again. My
world stops spinning, my mind stops
thinking and everything goes blank.
Nothing works. I feel the need to cry,
but i've been taught not to. Everything
should appear okay, even if it's not.
Worse thing is, the people who taught me
this are now who i'm most dependent on.
The pain is so unreal, the intensity is
like nothing i've ever experienced....And
i've experienced some crazy stuff. It
sort of feels like my mind is telling my
body, it's okay now, you did nothing
wrong, it's okay to have a little
self-pity now. Feel sorry for yourself
for a day or two and cry dammit! But I
don't know how. I don't know how to give
up that control. Control is everything.
I'm lost in the maze that is my mind.
|
pigglet
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 06 Dec 2005 Posts: 15
Be Strong Posted: 12-13-05 08:46am
Hello,
just wanted to let you know that the mind
is a powerful tool and it can lead us to
do things that we don't want to do or
feel. My suggestion to you is do not hurt
anyone or yourself because the
consequences you will face afterwards will
be 100x worse. Think about what will
hapeen........What sort of life would you
be living if you hurt yoursef or others.
You have control although you may feel
like it is lost, be stronger and with time
and effort you will overcome your
problems. However, your main priority
right now is not your ex-girlfriend or
other people and things..............Your
main priority is getting stronger both
physically and mentally...Once you
accomplish that everything will fall into
place. Do not give up!
