Therapy for 10 years, each time, after 2 years....My therapists went elsewhere, forcing me to start over. New therapist, 'bout a year and a half now.

I'm a cutter.
Borderline personality disorder
severe anxiety disorder
severe ptsd

most recent catastrophic events: after 10 years, my lover split, moved to cali to be with someone else whom she'd never even met face to face, leaving me to my own devices, no work and a severe shut in. I had to move back home with the folks, completely dependent on them, trying for medicaid and disability. I'm 30, living in a camper with 3 cats and on food stamps. The lover split 2 years ago exactly.

Now that we've covered the basics.

I feel like I have no place to turn. I found out recently that my ex is back in town, living in my state again with this other girl. Now, my usual first instinct is: find them, kill them, kill myself and be done with it. I ran across a website 'myspace.Com' if you're familiar with it. It's a sort of diary type blog style website. I found them both on there, read both of their profiles, couldn't stop myself. Amazingly enough, my usual instinct didn't really come into play. But my insides felt like they were shutting down, and still do. I stare blankly and feel some very serious rage. I want to hurt someone, just don't know who it's going to end up being, guess whoever crosses my path on the wrong day.

I feel completely lost. I feel like if I try to talk to someone about it, they'll think, that was 2 years ago, get over it. The problem is, I got zero closure. I got a dear john letter and a little money in an envelope, that was it. I never had a chance to fight it. I feel like that's what's been holding me back. I know I have to move past this, there's nothing that can be done to get closure without some bloodshed, this is not an option. I never even had a chance to cry.

It seems as though each time I think about it, my heart breaks all over again. My world stops spinning, my mind stops thinking and everything goes blank. Nothing works. I feel the need to cry, but i've been taught not to. Everything should appear okay, even if it's not. Worse thing is, the people who taught me this are now who i'm most dependent on. The pain is so unreal, the intensity is like nothing i've ever experienced....And i've experienced some crazy stuff. It sort of feels like my mind is telling my body, it's okay now, you did nothing wrong, it's okay to have a little self-pity now. Feel sorry for yourself for a day or two and cry dammit! But I don't know how. I don't know how to give up that control. Control is everything. I'm lost in the maze that is my mind.