I dont know where to go. Im posting here because its anonymous.
Im really tired of being weird! About 3 years ago, I started getting panic attacks. At that time I was using marijuana, having trouble with friendships and relationships, and graduating from college. At that time, I also found my biodad who I learned was schizophrenic. I think all of these factors combined made me get panic attacks.
They lasted only a couple of months and once I graduated from college I never got them again. I have, however, maintained this constant worry, anxiety and hypersensitivity to people and stimulants. I cant drink coffee anymore or I get really feeling crazy and out of control in my mind, today I got to cold and I couldnt even think straight while everyone else seemed to function just fine I was feeling like I was on another planet.
Ive always had social anxiety, but its still with me. When im with people I get very paranoid and I really feel bizzarre! People can feel it though and I make everyone feel uneasy around me. No, im not just thinking this is happening I know its happening. There can be a room full of people and I walk in and everyone will be silent. Its really rather strange.
It might have to do with the fact that my eyes are as big as saucers. I have had these big sensitive eyes since the panic attacks happened. Its like, when I look at people I really look at them like in a way that is invasive. I dont mean to, but I do. I never had this problem before and its hard to keep my eyes to myself. Its hard to keep to myself when I am looking at someone. Does that make sense? My glance and look is very strong. Its hard to explain, but it makes me feel out of my mind and not normal. People will avert their eyes from me or not look at me at all. What is wrong with me and why am I like this?
Another thing that is happening lately is embarassing. Its like, I am concentrating on peoples genitals. Like, in my subconscious mind this happens. I will be talking with someone and I recognize their crotch instead of their face. It makes me feel like a pervert and a freak! People can feel it and it makes them feel uncomfortable which in turn makes me feel comfomfortable. This also, has been happening for 2-3 years.
I have constant worry and anxiety. I have been having nightmares and bad dreams for the same period 2-3 years. It is very rare that I have a good dream, and in fact I havent had a good dream since I can remember.
On top of all that, I have depression. Sometimes its not so bad, but sometimes it gets to the point of feeling low and not wanting to move. A lot though stems from all the points above. I want to be socially normal but even when I act less shy and go out in public, I have strange thoughts like looking at peoples crotches and only concentrating on that to my overly sensitive eyes. I notice everyone around me and im way to sensitive to everything.
I just want to feel stable again! Please help me!!
** oh, and lately, its many times when I start to talk or say something true from myself I want to burst into tears. My students the other day, while I was playing soccer today, or when a friend has somehow hurt me a little. (of the very few friends that I have)
