So in the past six months i've had the opportunity to lose my virginity twice, and twice i've been unable to maintain my erection up to the act. I have no trouble getting and maintaining one when masterbating, or at any random time, for that matter. I don't have any trouble until the clothes come off. By the time I put the condom on it's soft, and I can't get it hard enough again for intercourse. Neither time has it been someone i've been dating in the technical sense, and both times they have not wanted to perform oral sex (though they did attempt with their hand). Neither time was I under the influence of drugs or alcohol (i had a few drinks the first time, but I was far from drunk.
I'm almost twenty-one. I'm in good shape, and, if it matters, have a somewhat large penis. I smoke, but it can't be physical because, as I said, intercourse is the only problem. Both times the girl was beautiful and I wanted to have sex with her. So what's the deal? Obviously it's physiological but I can't think of why. I was never abused, taught that sex is wrong or anything of that nature. I desperately want to have sex; I have since forth grade. I mean, for god's sake, i've spent the past twenty years getting to a point where people want to have sex with me, and then this happens.
Has anybody else had this problem at such a young age? What can be done? Do I really have to take viagra at twenty-one? Please please please advise.
Anyways, considering your age, it's probably a combination of a few things. First off, nerves might be playing a role.
Are you on any medication or under a lot of stress? These could also have an effect.
I would just say that the sensation/stimulation might be a little different than you're use to, to mentally you're it's not pleasuring to you. I would say, just concentrate on what's going on to help keep your mind in an arroused mental state. It might sound like bs, but it's really not.
It probably is my nerves. I'm not on any medication, though i'm usually under a bit of stress. I'm debating whether this warrents a visit to the doctor. He may prescribe viagra or something similar, but if it works I don't want to become dependent on it (plus, planning an hour ahead of time when you're going to have sex can be difficult, givin my circumstances). Does anyone know of any mental techniques that help keep you in the mood? Also, does this sort of thing usually get better the more sexual experience one builds up, or will it keep coming back until I deal with the root problem (whatever that is)?
I really appriciate everyone's responses. It helps just to know that i'm not alone.
Try masturbating a lot less, if at all. You are very use to the type of stimulation that masturbating provides and it is a lot different from sex, which could be mentally turning you off and having you grow soft. I have a friend with this exact same problem, I was the girl on the receiving end of it.
With time, as you become less nervous, it should be atleast somewhat easier on you. You can practice during masturbation. Just try and concentrate on your stimulation, and do whatever it takes to keep yourself arroused.
Hi, well I had/sometimes actually still have the same prob
started in my first real attempt to pentrate one sexy lady
tried 3 times that night to no avail - felt like a vegetable!
Time passed, another attempt came, I was now 20 - happened again
but to be honest, she wasnt all that pretty this time but I knew that wasnt really the problem
time passed, another attempt came - now 21, same thing kept happening till one night when I opened up to her and told her I was really a virgo and all the girls id told her id laid were all in someone elses imagination! Not even mine!!
So, now she was pretty supportive and soon I finally stuck my piece inside a girl!
See I think wat caused it for me was all the thoughts in my head: 'dam she thinks im a player and ive banged plenty women so she expecting some real lovin' or 'she is probably thinking she is lucky to even have me in her bed and wants a night to remember'
banish those thought because they put pressure on u
i find that I cant perform when somethings on my mind - something as little as 'wat if my phone vibrates and its my dad'
take precautaions to prevent such situations occuring - leave ur phone on silent or downstairs - or turn it off
'oh man, I have to reach for a condom, my piece will be soft by the time ive fiddled around' - keep at least one in ur back pocket or somewhere easy to reach - I find it more turning on when she doesnt even know when I put it on - or go to her place with one on already!
The thing is I am now with a girl I love - I didnt always love her and used to give her the slex of her life
but now im starting to fall in love and I actually wanna please her ---pressure! So I find that talking about sex before actually doing it helps - its not the typical head upstairs, get on bed, kiss, dirty kiss, unbutton her pants, finger, take off rest of her clothes and urs, then penetrate - if I do that, can almost guarantee it wont work
so I talk with her bout slex - which actually turns her on then sometimes, my fingers just wander into her pants and start playing away, this doesnt even mean we gonna do it, just playing around. Then while im doing this, my pants start dropping and im so turned on its hard to soften up
then condom (or not) and penetrate depending on how turned on she/ I am
thats if u wanna have slex - sometimes women actually prefer just the kissin and cuddlng and talking
but us men always think it has to end with penetration and us 'making her cum'
it doesnt - depends on her/your mood
finally, I was brought up in a christian home and shouldnt actually be slexing before marriage - im working on that one
so that could be part of the things makin me soften up - guilt?
Neway, whether or not u agree with sex after marriage, the trick is to be relaxed. How? Dont think you can only please her with penetration. Try other stuff. Cream her body with any cream she has. Women love this. Cream her from head to toe whilst naked. U will even find it may turn u on and it saves u having to undress her and allow ur piece to soften. Whilst creaming her, u can eliminate dick softening tasks like put on a condom - see while creaming her, shes too busy enjoying alternative pleasure to notice wat else ur doing
i just recently had the same problem you're describing. literally everything you said stads true for me, except im not a virgin and never had this problem before. all of a sudden, with this new girl, i ant get it up. now, i did try a few times under the influence of ecstasy and (if anybody knows about that stuff) its pretty much impossible. but then, i was completely sober, and it happened again. the girl has noo problem getting me hard, but then whe the clothes come off, i cant seem to get it up. what the hell is going on?
same problem exactly. Im 17 and my gf of 2 months is very sexually aggressive. I'm totally fine when we are just making out and stuff, but when the clothes come of I get nervous and the thing goes down and I can't for the life of me get it back up. I haven't really found a concrete way to fix the problem, but I really like this girl and I don't want to mess it up. I actually don't like hooking up anymore because of the pressure. Anyone have any tips to calm down??
This is directed to the guys that have this happen from psychological factors and not actual physical ones.
This all happens when you get in your head. Once you start thinking about it happening or if it just happens randomly, you'll then start to run different scenarios of what will happen if you can't keep it hard. All of these scenarios are obviously bad. Then you start panicking in your mind about it and your dick is soft, now its actually soft and you start panicking more and from this state there's no way in hell your keeping an erection.
To make it worst, getting sex in this day in age is more than a notion for a lot of guys. Its def something you can get, but the amount of work to get it can be a lot. So this adds to the panic in your mind "Wow i put so much work into getting into this situation where i can have sex with this girl, and i really really want to have sex with this girl, hell I've been jacking off to sex all the time. Now i actually have the chance and I can't do it"
You worry that you may blow your chances or the girl may even get upset and think its her. You may think ok well i can always try again but then fear trying again cause its happened once already, who's to say it won't happen again.
Because this is a psychological issue and once you enter the spiral described above there's really no way you can save yourself. You can't think it away, you can't just choose to focus on something different. The mental state your in and the emotions being caused by it ARE the reason its not getting hard.
So whats the answer?
I believe there's only 3 real solutions for this problem. 1 being an in the moment solution and the other 2 being preventative.
1 (in the moment). The Woman has to "save you". The whole episode is being caused by your fear of ruining the moment/situation/chances/etc with her, that's whats causing the panic. So the woman has the power to save you from yourself if she know what to do. So for the women that are reading....
When you notice the guy having trouble keeping an erection and can tell he's starting to get in his head. Address him by his name and tell him to lay on his back, you have a surprise for him. Get him very comfortable and tell him to relax and close his eyes. Begin my making out with him. Then start kissing him all over his face, move down to his neck, spending a good amount of time sucking on it/kissing it. Move down to his chest and kiss it all over. At this point also move your hand on his penis and start stroking it. Kiss down his stomach and put his penis in your mouth for a quick 10seconds. Then move down to his legs and inner thighs and kiss those for awhile. While your doing this secretly open up a condom(if your using those) and have it ready. Go back to giving him a blow job and do it for a minute or 2 until you feel its rock hard. Place the condom on if your using them then hop on and begin riding him. From here on out his dick will be hard.
This is what a girl did for me when i was having trouble keeping it up. She obviously knew i was having the problem, but didn't acknowledge it. Instead she stopped me before i got to deep in my head and completely changed my focus. She made me very relaxed and put all her energy into pleasing my body. She moved slow. I was naturally aroused from the experience and basically forgot about not being able to keep it up. So i just lay back and enjoy the feelings and the blow job and then all the sudden some how my penis is condomed up and in her vagina and shes riding me. And i'm so horny at this point that everything is great.
This is obviously something most women don't know of or won't just do but this is a pure solution. So if your a women and read this now you know.
1. (preventative, the best soultion) Have a in depth conversation about sex. Let her tell you all her fantasies, you tell her yours. Let her tell you what pleases her, you tell her what pleases you. Find out what her fears are sexually, you tell her what yours are and obviously not being able to keep it up should be one of them. So then the convo moves naturally into the "if you see my xyz sexual fear taking place this is what you can do to help me..(tell her what you'd honestly want her do to in this situation or you can use my above solution if that would work for you)"
If you've had this in depth conversation with your partner where she knows what you like, how to please you, your sexual fantasies, your sexual fears and what to do if they happen and vice verse, you'll actually never have the "can't keep it up" problem happen, since you'll never feel pressure (which causes the panic, which causes the softness)because of the comfort you have. Not to mention your sex life will be out of control since you both know each other on a sexual level.
3. The only other solution is using a Viagra like drug. Even though this could be called a bandage fix, it def has its place. Having an in depth sexual conversation which is ideal, or even having a woman know how to "save" you from yourself when things are going down hill, which is amazing....can't always happen. Maybe your just trying to have a one night stand, maybe your just in town for a few days, maybe its after a party and you just end up with a chick but don't really no her on the level where you can have any in depth sexual conversation and shes not in the business of saving you if you have trouble but she'll invest in ruining you with gossip later. A pill has a huge amount of value in situations like this and similar. And who's to say that you and party girl couldn't hit it off later, but by not being able to perform in that situation you blew the chance of even being able to have the in depth sexual conversation with her.
So always have some Viagra or Cialis on you so that you can take some for situations like this. You don't even need a prescription, you if you really want some and ask enough people you'll be able to find someone to buy a few pills from.
Again just look at the pills as a means to solution 1 preventative . Like if your car breaks down ideally having everything repaired and up to date would prevent this, and it would be nice if you broke down at a repair shop, but that's not always going to happen. So you have to get a tow truck (viagra,cialis)to take you to the repair shop (solution 1 preventative). So as long as your striving towards the preventative solution your doing well, if your not you'll find yourself depending on pills way before your time.
You're too young for Viagra. You first need to stop masturbating so much. Save some of that for the woman! Next, don't try and analyze things, or think about not being able to perform.. Just go with the flow. Maybe in your mind you are worrying that you won't please her, won't be able to get it up, ect. That's called "impotence." The more you worry about it, the harder for you to get an erection. when you are alone, think about the thoughts you had when you were having trouble, then tell yourself you are just going to relax and enjoy yourself! Good luck hon!
I have the exact same problem as well..19, in good health, and sometimes cant keep it up. I believe any problem can be solved if you have the right mind set. From my experiences and people I've talked to, I believe its best to try and just relax and focus on her...lips, eyes, curves, neck, and everything thats sexy about her and know that if you just think about her and enjoy the moment itself and for what it is, the erection will soon come without you even thinking about it. Remember the times when even the thought of not having an erection didnt occur and you couldnt help getting aroused just by having a girl kiss you.
let me tell you, I'm 31 and have been battling that problem for over 17 years. Myself, i'm very fit and good looking and am very sexually experienced. slept with over 75 women and have been in every situation..every! The one constant is the battle between my ears...the erection problem i can have with someone new or wearing condoms. Once i'm comfortable with a girl its all good. and just like everyone else i can be rock hard during foreplay but either at insertion or a few minutes later i can go soft. it's like a flip of a coin if i can preform or not. Even when i can it's next to impossible for me to get off with someone new. But over the years i've learned from experience. Let me tell you what works for me.
1st you must limit masterbation... very important! If you have a gf and the anxiety is gone then wack it all you want. But when your single limit it.
2nd you need to boost your confidence... I.E. viagra.
Although you may not want to admit you take the blue pill, it is not that you cant get an erection it's anxiety! Viagra will give you confidence, help you overcome the anxiety. then after a time or 2 you wont even need it. And since your the guy and you control when things happen between you and your woman ( sexually) take it 30 min b4 sex and break it in half. it will work faster. Your better off having viagra and not needing it than needing it and not having it.
The bad news... well if your like me the anxiety will never go away, no matter how many new partners you have. It's like a disease... you have to learn to control it. I'm a very confident man and very few people would believe i have anxiety issues but i have accepted that and learned to deal. You just need to do the same. Be confident, do what you need to do. No one else needs to know. And you are not alone.
I am not very experienced but have found that i have problems.....im fine when im doing foreplay with my gf and it will go up....but when she starts to put her hands down my pants its already soft. I also realized that my balls have gotten a lot smaller and even though we dont do much i dont think its cum but somethings clear comes out of my penis even when we dont do anything very sexual (just kissing) before we even do anything. Can anyone please help me~~~ now Im to embarrased to even do anything sexual with my gf cuz it becomes soft whenever she trys touching me.
i have been with my girl for a year and i have not ever had a problem doing anything i am pretty sexually experienced and i can really please her but last night and tonight durring sex i went soft and i felt like crap and i didnt know what to do and i felt so bad for her whats wrong with me this has never happened before any solutions?
There's been alot of great answers to a question that is purely to do with how your mind is set out at the point in time here.
Personally i get no satisfaction of wearing a condom, i have a gf at the moment, but have had sex with multiple others, and chances are, no one that you meet is going to be on the pill and will let you stick it in them without a condom unless you're dating or know them well, i find the idea and even the feeling quite boring, and masturbation honestly feels better. i've stopped masturbating, and trust me it improves your thoughts on having penetrative sex.
So maybe doing a few things like cutting back on the hand, explaining fetishes and fantisies to your sex partner, trying new things, eliminating threats of worrying (make sure parents arnt home, phones off or unplugged, you don't need to take a dump/piss, the room temp is fine etc etc) can help you keep a cool head.
i know the posts are months old but incase it helps future people
@Natty talking about other forms of sexual interests with your partner might give you some ideas?
@andrewdk77 it happened to me recently, and i felt soo bad, but you'll get plenty more chances, there's nothing wrong, just make sure your gf knows that perhaps you're not being satisfied but it's not her fault and maybe you want to try new sh*t? idk
@inexperiance the clear sh*t you're describing sounds like pre-cum, it's just a natural thing that helps lube your penis up because it thinks it's about to be going in a vagina. nothing to stress about.