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Watching Tears of Shame Hit the Ground As I Look Down, Help

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Not sure who I am. Why I feel like I do. Why I think like I do. Like I have mentioned befor, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I know now that this is just who I am. I try to enjoy the short breaks I get of being a person who does not feel these stresses. I am just looking for some simple advise on how to feel a little more self confadent. On the outside to the ones that "know" me I appear to be this strong, confadent, sharp, and never stopping person, yet on the inside I feel weak, scared, confused, ugly, overwhelmed and depressed. I cry and don't know why. I sometimes feel like and do give myself a reason to feel this pain by either physically hurting myself or starting an argument with my fiance. This way there is a place of blame for my pain. My head won't leave my head alone. I come out of these holes sometimes a few days at a time. Today I have fallen again. I'm not sure why, but i'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I have a four year old daughter, a seven month old daughter and I am now near six months pregnant with my lil boy. I need to feel good to be able to properly take care of them. Trust me I try to hide this pain inside for there sake, I know I need to put on a happy face and play games and read books tickle fights and all that stuff, and I do. But my oldest, I can see it in her that she know's. Maybe she doesnt even know she does, but she can feel that mommy isnt ok. She came to me last weekend and told me that everything is going to be ok. She kissed my hand and said she will make my boo boo feel better. I don't know how she knows but I have done everything for her not to see what I really am inside. This I do not think is fair that she feels she needs to take care of me. How can I take care of myself? My children are my life, there is nothing better to me than their smiles. And I wan't to keep them smiling. I do know that to take care of them properley I have to take care of myself. I am not sure that I have the energy to. Please help somebody! I cannot stand the pain anymore. It hurts my heart, my children and others I love, it hurts my life, my choices, my chest and my pride. I feel like I do not control myself, the sadness has taken the wheel to drive
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replied December 17th, 2003
I Know How You Feel!
Everything you have wrote hits home for me. I can't say that I am even close to feeling better about life, or me, but I feel like I each day my life gets a little bit lighter. Keep your head up I know it's hard but I hope you can see that you are woderful person. I know counseling helped me in seeing that I am worth something and that life was really worth living. I would suggest it very highly. Don't think your going to counseling because your a screwed up person, you're not. It just helps so much to get things out, to talk about things and have an objective person there to listen and give you advise you never would have seen. You are a strong person. Trust me it takes a very strong person to put on a mask that everything is fine, and to be dying inside. I think once you work through the things that are bothering you, you will realize how strong you really are.
Love,
lisa marie
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replied December 17th, 2003
Amber, it sounds like you have the foundations set for a great life. I think counsling would make you feel alot better, sometimes just talking can make alot of things brighter. And just take time to set back and look at all the great things you have going on for you.
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replied January 16th, 2004
Anonymous
?
Hi how are you?
It's hard to see the good things when you feel the way you do
isn't it?
Have you tried to find if there is a hotline in your area?
My brother deals with depression and he has found them to help.
I am thinking of you and your family~iam sure they love you
much!!
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replied January 16th, 2004
Get Help Now
My own depression almost killed me. After a suicide attempt, my husband took me to the hospital last new years day. I was admitted and stayed for a rest, l"ll never forget the feeling of being totally overwelmed with the problems at tthe time. After councelling, learning self awarness thru books, help web sites and paxil I am back to normal. One site that is great is www.Womenshealthmatters.Ca these are canadian site I know of but they lead to many others. Also your local library has info that can help. Don't do it alone you have kids and family that love and rely on you. Get help today and start to recover tomorrow.

Best of luck
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replied January 16th, 2004
I'm Dying Inside As Well...
I know just how you feel, amberlee. I think this all started 2-1/2 years ago for me -- now it's major depression. Anyway, I just had a misunderstanding with my husband, who by the way, would get me the moon if he could. He went back to work, i'm sitting here bawling with my prescription sleeping pills in my hand.
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replied January 16th, 2004
Anonymous
Stop
------------------------------------------ -----------------------------------------
ya know you are important!! And it sounds especially to your
husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

Crying is good you are able to get it out and it helps to
renew us!!!! So don't !!!!

I donot know you and I too tried pills when I was 16 it's not easy
can you call your husband and talk to him?

Wll he help you to feel better? Is the love you share strong enough?

Do you have kids?

Do you have someone close to hug you?

Someone to listen to you?

Reach out too someone there ~~~
try to put them down and tell yourself you are worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!

I care and I don't know you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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replied January 16th, 2004
Anonymous
Wait
There are so many on here going threw what you are~
iam not now but did before
and I hope you will be okay.
Was it a bad fight that you can't go back and talk to him
or are you so upset that everything goes bad?
Please read some of the ones on here about depression
for my brother who deals with it also it helps him not to feel alone
people care
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replied January 24th, 2004
I Understand
I've suffered from depression for 11 years (since I was 14). Most days are hard, but some are good maybe even great--when i'm having a really bad day I try to focus on remembering that a good day will come. I hope that you realize that you are going in the right direction ... You're asking for help, which is the hardest thing to do. I hope you are seeing someone you can talk to, and meds do help don't be afraid of them because for me they are the only reason why I have more and more good days. I still remember the day that I realized I had a full week that went great....I felt like I could finially understand why others are happy.
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replied January 25th, 2004
You've suffered from depression for 11 years? To me, this isn't very encouraging. That's why I have the thoughts that I do. I can't live like this for that long? I don't understand how you are doing it. You are obviously a very strong person and that is wonderful!!
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replied January 26th, 2004
You Are Strong
We are all strong that's why we are still here, many people who suffer from depression only suffer for a year or two and never again. Don't be discouraged by mine, because everyone is different and everyone has different problems/situations to overcome. I'm sure with the right doctors on your side you will do wonderful. I unfortunately have only begun helping myself 3 years ago and i'm already much better but alot of my problems are due to the fact that I waited so long before accepting help that it's harder to change my whole lifestyle and way of thinking.
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replied January 29th, 2004
I Understand Where Your Coming From
I may only be 17 but I too feel that pressure, the overwhelming sadness and despair, tears that never stop falling, the urge to deny my own being life. I do understand where you're coming from. I live there day in and day out. I only wish I could be as strong as you and continue to put on a happy face for the sake of others. Unfortunatly I have lost that gift. Stay strong and know that there are people who love you...Even if you dont know who they are, they do love you regardless of whether they tell you or not.
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