How Can We Get Through This?

My husband and I are together 22 years, married 18. We have 3 boys, 16, 17 and a one year old.
The whole story is much too long so i'll be as brief as possible. Both my husband and I had a rough childhood, we meet at a reform school and eventually I ran away from there to be with him...We were all but 15 and 17. I was many miles from home, so we stayed in his hometown. His parents were less than helpful they did everything they could to get between us, I was actually homeless for a short time because they refused to let me stay in their home. By the time we finally were able to get jobs and take care of ourselves we had lost 3 babies, a miscarrage , a stillborn and our daughter died from sids, she was 5 weeks old and sadly my husband (then boyfriend) was in jail on a minor infraction. He only go to spend 3 short weeks with her. We got married the same year she died we were 19 and 21.
We had our boys over the next 2 years and both longed for a daughter. We went on with our lives and didn't really discuss how much pain we felt over loosing the babies and especially our daughter. When our boys were around 2 and 3 I had an affair with a guy we both knew, it was an on and off thing that lasted 18 months or so. He was older than us and now that I look back I think he was well aware of what he was doing, at the time I was 23 he was 30. He took advantage of the situation; I was hurt and angry didn't know what to do to get through each day. I know now that I should have talked to my husband, told him how I felt but I was young and easily influenced by this guy and eventually I was pregnant with his child.
I felt I had no other choice but to have an abortion, I didn't tell anyone and I continually lied to my husband. The worst thing is that when my husband found the abortion papers I told him that the baby was mine and his and denied having an affair with anyone.
Over the next 13 years my husband and I slowly started to drift apart, we never talked about the abortion or how much we loved each other or how desparately we wanted a daughter. Then 2 years ago my husband walked into a garage and was told by someone he hardly knew about my indescretions all those years ago. He came home in tears and I confessed everything I had ever done over the course of our relationship. Of course angry and hurt he dumped some unknown secrets as well.
The last 2 years has been utter hell he has beaten me infront of our children, he's raped me and repeatedly called me all sorts of names, he called my family and told them the entire story and whenever we are with friends he tells anyone who will listen.
He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me that he misses me the second I leave for work but by the time I get hme he is distant and refuses to talk to me. I don't know what to do I want to stay married I truely love my husband and our children more than anything.