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Boyfriend=emotionless

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Somebody please help me. I've known my boyfriend for quite awhile now and trust me he is a great person. We have only dated for a few months now and he shows no emotion. Like, he doesnt get mad, doesnt show terms of endearment. Nothing. He's always and I mean always calm and cool. He has never said he's even cared about me. He doesnt call. Nothing!!! Before you go judging me to be clingy or whatever I know at one point he did care. Maybe he has problems showing emotion. I honestly just need to know. I cant take not knowing how he feels much longer. What could possibly be wrong with him.
Background info:
we are around 19years old. Not underprivilaged. No knowledge of an earlier trama.
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First Helper Jolene83
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replied December 6th, 2005
I know exactly what your going through. Been there, done that, got a t-shirt. Luckily, the way your boyfriend acts doesn't mean he has any kind of a problem. I am 23 years old and first started dating my husband when I was sixteen. He had the same problem your boyfriend does. Still has it to be quite honest. At first it bothered me the same way it bothers you. Before I go any further allow me to say this, when guys first start dating a girl they really like, they'll go out of thier way to be romantic ( often referred to as the honeymooners stage.) but after a few weeks to a month, thier casual self falls back into place because they have what they want. You. They don't feel the need to continue as they had before because the prize has already been won. Here's something else to take into consideration. His family. Do you know anything about them? My husband was a middle child. His little brother was the momma's boy and his big sister was the daddy's girl. His father also traveled alot on buisness and for my husband's family it just wasn't thier nature to be close when he was young therefore repeating itself in a lack of emotion now. It's all in the way he was raised. And clingy? I don't think your clingy. Your simply in love. I hope my situation will help to give you a better understanding of yours. Just try talking to your boyfriend about his family (without being too nosy because trust me when I say it can backfire) and see if you can make a connection.
Christy smith
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replied December 6th, 2005
Being too emotional is a greater disease than unemotional. He isn't a mean person, therefore he is becoming a master. Many of my tai chi master friends spend a great amount of time dealing with not reacting to other people's emotional dramas.

He is further along in the game than you are my dear! Girls have this longer road to travel than boys do in mastering our emotions and becoming actionaries rather than reactionaries.
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replied December 6th, 2005
Experienced User
My Dads the Same
I don`t agree with that at all. Women are more emotional and no wonder with all the hormones going around our bodies each month. Being emotional is nothing to be ashamed about, just because someone puts on a brave face for every situation doesn`t mean they aren`t hurting inside.

My experience with this type of problem is my father. He was brought up that boys don`t cry or show their emotions. They have to be the big butch man whose the bread winner and should be tough in every situation.

Times have changed and maybe it is your boyfriends upbringing that has caused this or maybe this is just the way he is. I`m not saying that is acceptable because it`s not, everyone needs to know that they are loved. My dad`s way of showing this is that he didn`t love us he wouldn`t still be in the same house as us. It`s a bit caveman like I know but thats how his family were brought up.

Have you tried asking him about things and how he feels? He might get embarassed or something silly like that. Love grows with time and maybe once he feels really secure he`ll start to relax and show how he feels a bit more!
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replied December 9th, 2005
I have been married for 14 years. My husband is not an emotional man. My advice is if this is just your boyfriend, go and keep your eyes and ears open to someone else. There are men out there who are calm and loving and talkative. I have to deal with a lot myself and it stinks! He, who appears so put together, relies on me as does everyone else. It is nice to have an equal partner on all terms. I have seen other couples, believe me if this bothers you now it will drive you crazy later!! Please do not settle. You do and will find someone better suited for you!!!
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replied January 20th, 2008
My Boyfriend is the same
thats the reason im on the computer, tryin to research to see if anyody else has the same problems with their boyfriend. I love my boyfriend so much but he isn't affectionate! We have a long distance relationship, i live up north an he lives down south so we only see each other like every three weeks, sometimes a bit more often but everytime were with each other we have a really nice time but he doesn't kiss me much or cuddle me. I don't want to act clingy and pathetic o i just dont mention it but it upsets me. Iv spoke to him before and told him that it sometimes feels like he doesn't want to be wih me but he always says how much he does and how happy he is. I know he cares for me but i just dont understand why he wont show it! It really upsets me, if anyone has any advice please let me know Xxx
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replied January 29th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
My nephew is just like that. When my grandmother died he started laughing at the funeral home right at the cascet. At first we thought he was crying. Not so! He also shows no emotions whatsoever. It's like he has no soul.
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replied August 29th, 2012
He is a psychopath = (person without a concious). Just look it up....
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replied August 11th, 2008
Well im a guy and,the girl i like called me stiff and uninviting,when i asked why she thought that,she told me it was because she had trouble trying to tell what i was thinking,or how i was feeling.
I guess some of us guys are just kinda unemotional.
But,im always trying to impress her,i even hold doors for her.
We have good times together too,but i have trouble expressing alot of my emotions.
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replied August 18th, 2009
My boyfriend is the same. It's been very tough and I'm at the end of my rope with him.

I think that the bi-polar sites might not be giving the information you need to come to terms with the situation. Try researching "passive-aggressive". I did and it (unfortunetly) described my boyfirend to a T.

Sometimes love isn't enough. We have to make the choice to love ourselves and we can't honestly love ourselves when we are constantly doubting our personal worth.
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User Profile
replied August 20th, 2009
There are two options for these reasons that I can actually think of.

1, is that he really isn't that into you, but then it would make no sense as to why he continues to try and encourage you and remain in the relationship so I dont' think that's going to be the answer.

2, is that he genuinely doesn't tend to show emotions very often and merely trusts you to trust him.

When I'm in a relationship, I sometimes have difficulty showing how I'm feeling, and have been described as cold by more than a few people. This doesn't mean I care any less, it just means that I trust them to know I care. For me showing emotions is somewhat tiring, even though I know that people expect it, so the closer I am to someone, the less emotion I actually show, because I'm relaxed enough to be myself around them.

His showing nothing to you, might well be a case of he's gotten to know you and feels more comfortable and secure around you than before.

Try not to see it as a problem he has, and sit down to talk with him. It might just be that there has been misunderstanding going on.

Of course, if this is his genuine nature and you don't feel you can handle it, it would probably be kinder all around to end it anyway, since no one can be happy in a relationship where one or the other or both are doubting their partner. Love is a two way street of trust and respect and there is plenty of time to find someone who reacts in a way that makes you feel happy and secure.
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replied August 31st, 2009
"Sometimes love isn't enough"


well said Jolene

DM
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replied January 31st, 2010
RUN FROM EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE PEOPLE!
Sweety RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! He either has avoidant personality disorder, passive/aggressive disorder or schitzoidal disorder. Men who show no remorse, lack empathy, endearment are virtual emotional rapists. Please ... take my advice.

There are so many men that are wonderful out there. this is a man that will never support you or your emotional needs. He will manipulate you at every turn.

I feel so sorry for the woman that just deals with it and thinks it is normal. It is not. And, she was right ... look at his family ... get to know his family and there will be your answers.

You will not be able to change him and you will be in constant dispare trying to find ways to change him and make him love you ... as you deserve.

Research these personality disorders and also look for them on youtube. It is a real problem and not normal to be married to or in a relationship with emotionally unavailable people.

Like the married woman said ... he started out caring but once he got the prize ... he quit. That is a huge sign of somone with deep rooted emotional problems and personality disorders.

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!

Willamena Wilson
MD
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replied January 31st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
The absence of emotion isn't a disorder. The inappropriate absence of emotion may be. We absolutely cannot diagnose your boyfriend with a mental disorder over the internet. Not even qualified medical professionals can.

The point is. This is him. This is how is runs normally. You may get it to consciously express himself more but that's not normal for him. You should probably take some time and evaluate if you need more anger or affection and if so go find someone that meets that need.
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replied January 31st, 2010
No emotions is a personality disorder
yes the void of emotion is a disorder. I am a clinical psychotherapist. Lack of emotions
are wrapped up in the disorders I mentioned.

You can't change people and to stay with someone who is void of
emotions and you can clearly have normal emotions ... means a life
wrought with trying to fix the emotionless person.

Now, two people that are vacant will work perfectly well together
within their selfishness, lack of empathy, remorse, etc.

A person that displays no emotion is dysfunctional and will always
act out in covert destructive ways such as; cheating, lying, addictions,
blaming, crazy making, excuses, etc.

Respectfully,
Willamena
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replied January 31st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Willamena
1. There is a world of difference between not being expressive and being void of emotion. It is not safe to assume that someone who doesn't feel compelled to display emotion is incapable of expressing emotion. It's very possibly that Grey's Anatomy doesn't really grip them the same way it does you. Sometimes an absence of emotion is simply rational reaction to non-stimuli.

2. It would be a sign of insanity for a practicing clinical psychotherapist to diagnose someone with a mental illness based on second-hand information conveyed over text. It would be legally reckless for a practicing clinical psychotherapist to dispense a medical opinion, list their actual name and claim their medical credentials without posting a legal disclaimer.
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replied January 31st, 2010
Emotion
Wolf

1. I have 20 years in.

2. I think I have clearly stated the difference and given appropriate information to research.

3. Yes ... emotionally unavailable people have personality disorders.

4. Not reckless to provide research.

5. My advice ... is still RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
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replied January 31st, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Willamena
Once again there has been no description that meets the criteria of emotionally unavailable. She simply has a boyfriend that isn't Angry or Affectionate. Calmness isn't a personality disorder. A calm demeanor is in fact a disqualifier for most evaluations of anxiety and personality disorders.

RUUUUUUUUUUUUN from calm people all you want. If it distresses you it's a good idea. Flock to people who are manic or BPD if that's what makes you happy in a relationship but people who don't have the same emotional reaction that you do to a situation are not automatically sufferring from a psychological disorder, they're just likely a poor match for you.
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replied December 18th, 2010
I'm upset not to hear willamena's response. Run is a great piece of advice. Whether or not the guy has a disorder is almost irrelevant to the fact that he is emotionally unavailable to her. You can't fix him and maybe he doesn't need to be fixed; just run.
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replied July 16th, 2014
My BF cannot be there for me emotionally
I am in a similar situation. My bf and I are in a long distance relationship and he is generally pretty good with expressing his love for me (more so when he is drunk) but when it comes down to anything remotely emotional; he literally cannot even speak about it. It was My Father’s Birthday today; he passed away a year ago and I was very close to him. Even though he knew (because i had mentioned it to him several times throughout the day) he couldn’t even bring himself to ask how I was or anything. One of his friends made a comment when we first met about how she had never seen him hold another girls had before me which is why it was weird for her to see him be affectionate with me. He is 32 years old and I think his is the last straw for me. I feel so let down. Realtionships are about supporting each other; but if he is unable to do this; then what is the point. I don’t know what to do.
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