Trying to Make Sense of It All...

And wanting some feedback.

By way of introduction, I have been married for 15 years. This is a second marriage for both of us and we have a teenage child together. I have an adult child from my previous marriage. My husband does not have children from his first marriage. I am a professional and very capable of financial stability on my own. Most family and friends describe me as a very strong and independent person. One brother said I am the most self-reliant woman he knows. Another says that I am very low maintenance and easy to get along with. In particular, I am not sure that my husband loves me, although I think he depends on me. Not necessarily financially (although he is not currently working), but more as a support mechanism. I hope that makes sense.

I would have considered us to be the perfect couple up until a few years ago. Since then the relationship is undefined and unfulfilling. I have thought about leaving or asking him to move out several times, but I haven't done so (yet). I am confused for a couple of reasons - my husband's behaviors and the absence of emotional security in the relationship. I could cite several incidents, and I am of course one-sided here, but here is a brief synopsis of the past year as I see it.

I feel that I have tried to create interest and romance in our relationship and he is just not interested in anything besides the physical act itself. For example, a while back I was singing "come away with me" to him while we were laying in bed. He talked right over me and changed the subject. He has missed other such opportunities to emotionally connect.

I suffered from depression and eventually sought medical treatment, but during this time my husband discouraged me from seeking new opportunities even though a large part of the depression was based on my work environment. I also found a lump in my breast and underwent multiple exams, mammograms, ultrasounds, and eventually a biopsy. They could not tell if it was cancerous or just a calcium lump and I was scared. He did not attend one appointment with me. One day, I asked him to just hold me and tell me everything would be ok. He said he couldn't do that because he didn't know if it would be ok or not. He then left me standing there crying. The biopsy eventually came out ok on two of the lumps, but they could not reach a third lump because it was too embedded in muscle tissue. I recently noticed that I can now feel this lump, which indicates to me that it is either moving or growing. I confided this to him and he was very nonchalant and suggested I see the doctor again. I wanted to say, "really? Gee…i never thought of that!"

the incident that prompted this writing - yesterday my teen daughter and I were in the mall and we witnessed a young man being rude (verbally abusive) to his girlfriend/wife. I cautioned my daughter that no matter how much she loved someone, she should never let them talk to her like that or treat her that way. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "you let dad treat you that way all the time". Although I am not sure she is correct in this, and I will eventually ask her to explain her comment, I was quite stunned.

This, of course, is complicated by a still platonic relationship that I have with a male friend. We have known each other about 5 years, but have grown closer as friends in the last year or two. He is also married and I have no reason to believe he is not happily married. I have very strong feelings for him, probably because is he very supportive and we have a ton of things in common. I do think he flirts with me a lot, but I don't know if he actually thinks of me as anything other than a friend. I dream about him at night and the majority of my days are preoccupied with thoughts of him - from simple things I want to share with him (jokes, stories, etc.) to the more complicated romantic notions that I have. I like to think that I would not act on these feelings, especially because I think it could be just a symptom of the larger problem. But I find myself day-dreaming about how it could be between us. Yes the grass is very green over there and I realize that I have completely romanticized the relationship. At the same time, I think that I must not be in love with my husband anymore if I could feel this strongly about another person.

My husband and I are now to the point were we rarely talk; I don't feel that I can trust him with my thoughts and feelings, and we have not been intimate with each other in over 6 months. I do not think he is involved in an affair though. I just don't understand the situation. I feel drained all of the time and some days I don't want to go home from work because my husband will be there. I want someone to take care of me and support me emotionally. I think I just don't want to have to work at this relationship anymore.