I think about it all day, every day. I have done research on different methods. I do have a plan. The only thing that holds me back are my grown children. They have no idea about this and it would cause them so very much pain. I of course do not want that. They all live very far away and I am alone, live below poverty level, have no real marketable skills and have a progressive illness that will leave me unable to live much of a life at all. I have been fighting manic depression for almost 30 years, cancer and emphysema. My life is dark and lonely. I want to be happy, I want a life where I can have adventures and enjoy what the world has to offer. I'm 55 yrs old and certainly didn't plan for the day that I'd be ill and alone. It's been 5 yrs, almost 6, that I've been where I'm at right now. My solace is in the fact that I still have the freedom to choose when I want to leave this place. There are some cultures and some schools of thought that honor the choice to die. In the USA it's thought of as the most horrible thing one can do. We all die. Why is it so "wrong" to choose it when life is so painful. I am not interested in staying here. I don't believe that I have ever been happy. I have had fleeting moments, enough to make me think that I know what happiness is but it passes of course. I have talked to God, I have had many therapists, I have meditated, I have tried all I know to try. I have made it my life's effort to manage this dis ease I have and nothing has brought me the relief that is necessary to encourage me to stay on this earth. I'm just tired, very tired.