Addiction, Recovery Forum - Dealing With a Family Members Possible Relapse.

My 26yo step-daughter became a addict after running away from home at 15. She lived on the streets (a good deal of that time) in san francisco as well as numerous other places and gave birth to 3 girls (now 4, 6, & 8) by 2 men both of whom were addicts at the time too. She tried to get clean twice since i've been in her life (i've been with her mom for a little over 3 years now), but the longest she stayed that way was around 5 months before slipping back into active drug use. We attempted an intervention in nov of 2003 that went quite badly. It was very tramatic for her mom especialy as she is a recovering addict (9 years clean) herself & knew first hand the trama that goes with being an addict. After that failed she called us several times over the next 3 1/2 months asking for money and everytime we said no, but said we would help her get into treatment. Of course evertime she said no. Finally in march of 2004 she & her bf (the father of her youngest) were attacked & held at gunpoint by a drug dealer (a serious bad guy in the words of a sacramento county sheriffs deputy) who her bf had stolen from. This scared her enough that she agreed to seperate from her bf & come up here & go into a treatment center. She did very well after a few intial problems (she almost bolted when she was told she couldn't wear makeup while there) and went into a t-house for women after graduating from the inhouse center and eventually got her girls back. She became very active in aa, ca, and na going to as many as 8-10 meetings a week. She did get into trouble a few times for dating guys (most, if not all of them addicts or recovering addicts she meet in the program) when she knew she wasn't supposed too but none of those lasted long. She went to court & finally got her girls back and has been living with us since last march when she was told she had to leave the t-house because she was doing so well and other women needed to beds. She, her bf & her girls are supposed to take over our apt in jan when we move into a house, but a few problems have arose as of late....

The girls have been through more than any child should have to go through. Things we don't even know about i'm sure. The things we do know about include watching thier parents use, being left alone for long periods of time, being hit by thier mom & possibly the fathers too. The middle child (now 6) is the one showing the obvious signs of being tramatized by all this. She used to make herself throw up (at 4 years of age!) when she was living with an aunt while mom was living on the streets. She talks about death excessivly, once bringing home a puppet she made at school & telling me in a made up voice how she was going to "kill you to death" over & over and at one point telling me she was going to kill us after we went to sleep. She laughed & thought it was funny & I tried to talk to her about how saying those things to people wasn't a very good thing to do. I know kids will say inappropriate things, but as adults we need to teach them right from wrong. She also lies alot. Even when caught doing something & knowing it was witnessed she will initialy lie about it. She recently complained that her neck was in alot of pain and she said she couldn't move it and was crying quite hard so my wife & her mom took her to the er where the nurse asked her where it hurt & she would not answer her. When asked by my wife she admitted that she made it up, but then clammed up & would not say anything more. This all is a huge concern to her mom & I as we believe she is in serious need of counseling to help her cope with the trama she has gone through in her life to this point, but my step-daughter says she has looked into counseling but it's to expensive. When I ask her when the lasttime was that she looked into it she gets frustrated with me and just says "i just can't afford it" and "i'll get her some help when I make more money. All the while she can find money to go to ca/na conventions, buy dvd movies, & so on. I've told her she could do it at a reasonable cost because she is low income and I know for a fact that she could afford it but to no avail. She also relies on us to babysit a few times a week, pick up the girls from thier afterschool program, & help discipline them as well. We love her & the girls very much and are usually happy to help but lately has had an attitude about some of our rules of the house and about some of the ways we do things. None of these rules or the way we do things are new, just her attitude about them. For instance, i'm the biggest disciplinarian in the house and I firmly believe in teaching children right from wrong even if it means taking away their toys, or putting them on time outs, or even spanking when necc. And by spanking I mean spanking, not beating or whipping. Now my step-daughter has expressed problems with some of the ways I discipline. First of all she said she was taught in her parenting class that you should give time out based on the childs age. No more than 4 minutes for a 4yo, six minutes for a 6yo & so on. I'm sorry, but that is a ridiculous theory. If my 8yo grand-daughter throws a toy & hits her sister in the head because she's angry at her she is getting more than 8 minutes! If my 6yo grand-daughter holds her younger sisters head under the water she is getting more than 6 minutes. Also my step-daughter has told me that it disturbs her when I spank them but up until a few weeks ago she was vague about why. Then after I spanked them a few weeks ago she told me it bothered her because she used to hit them when she was on drugs. I've spanked them, probably 5-6 times since they moved in last march because I believe in spanking being used for extreme infractions not everyday for everything misbehaviour. The most recent time was when they were put to bed and the 2 youngest would not stop talking & playing. I warned them once, then twice (which got thier tv & playing outside priviliges revoked for the next day) & told them a third trip into thier room because of them talking/playing would result in spankings. They were playing less than 5 minutes later & they both got thier spankings. They did not talk anymore that night, but when my step-daughter heard the youngest crying she went up thier, consouled her & then came downstairs to tell me she didn't feel good about the spanking. Keep in mind that i've over heard her threaten the girls with spankings out of frustration, but she never does it. She also will get angry with them for misbehaviour & tell them "no treats today" or "no playing outside" but will give in within hours. I've told her that she is teaching them they can get over on her with a little effort on thier part, but it doesn't seem to sink in.

Lastly (and i'm sorry this has turned into a book!) she & her new bf (who is a recovering addict too & on probation) came home intoxicated about a month ago. Her mom & I didn't hesitate to call her on it. She apoligized the next day & seemed sincerely like she felt bad the incident happened. A few weeks later her bf called her from work to say he was going out for a few drinks with some co-workers & would be over afterwards. She got angry with him & hung up the phone on him. He called back & my wife answered the phone and told him in no uncertain terms that going out to drink was unacceptable. He told her he wasn't going to do it & he came straight over to apoligize to all of us. Jump to last wed when she casualy asked me what her mom & I were doing for new years eve. I told her probably nothing because that is the weekend were moving & will probably be tired. I then asked her what she was going to do & she excitedly told me her bf had made reservations at a nice resturant here in town and that they were going to get a ride there & take a taxi home so the could have a few drinks. I was more than a little stunned to hear that they were planing to "have a few drinks"! So much so that I didn't carry on the conversation any further but just got up & left the room.
She spent more than a 3rd of her life as an addict! Living homeless! Stealing, lying, & doing things I don't want to think about for her next fix! Lost her kids to cps so many times that she has been told the nexttime she will lose them for good! Has had 4 abortions while an addict! (she still doesn't use any birth control to this day except the pull out before ejaculation method) has become another womens sponsor! All this and she thinks it's ok to go out & have a few drinks!!

So today I told her (in front of her bf) that I was really confused & dumbfounded that she could rationalize having even one drink! I was really hoping she would respond with a little humility & recognize what a horrible idea it was, but instead she tried to turn our conversation from the previous wed around to make the details less about drinking. Like saying that they were taking the taxi to avoid driving in heavy traffic. That's fine, but I know what she said in the original conversation so changing the details does nothing to make us feel better. She also said that she hasn't talked to the women she is a sponser for lately, but that women was at our house with her big book just last week.
She finally just said she didn't want to talk about this anymore & left.

I'm looking for some opionins here even if they are critical of my thinking in regards to everything i've just shared.

Thank you!