Not a loss. Not yet.

He's newly diagnosed. He is realizing that this is a mental illness that will impact not only his life, but his relationships, particularly intimate ones.

And intimate relationships are chock-full of responsibilities.

And you cannot take on his burden in this relationship.

Let him accustom himself to these new facts, meds, charting his moods, keeping a journal.

You will be a better friend and girlfriend (eventually, perhaps) if you focus on yourself.

Do not get sucked entirely into his world. Keep up with your other friends, your family, your interests, your school, etc. No one even marginally mentally healthy needs or wants a clone, or a caretaker. We want a partner.

Anne sheffield has written a good book about the subject and how to avoid "shadow depression"--great description of the fallout by the way. You may also want to read lundy bancroft's books. Very informative.

I recommend you find lynne namka's "drama triangle" article and read that one too. Think long and hard about it. Not to pick on you, but why, exactly, do you feel that you are the answer to all his needs? You don't wear high heels when playing soccer, so do not assume that you are the one and only person he can or will turn to in order to address various difficulties.

I wish you both well.

I am sure he is just trying to find something to take his mind off of the mental illness, he is trying to reach for something, but doesnt realize he is reaching for the wrong things. He probably is trying to forget about the mental illness by doing things that arent so good for him, just confront him on why you think he is acting the way he is then he will think about it and realize that is the reason why I am doing these things

I agree with the two above poster.. He newly diagnosed and offen newly diagnosed bipolar people have a hard time to accept they have a mental illness. From my opinion it seems like he wants to still have you as a girlfriend but doesn't feel like he worthy enough to be your boyfriend because he now "mentaly ill" or it could be the mania in him where he feel the super high and like he's on top of the world and doesn't need anyone.

Thank you for your advice. I do think that he is worth waiting for I just hope he can see that he is worth it too and wants to get better. I asked him this question and he said part of him does not want to get better. I do think he does not think highly of himself right know. I wonder what I can do to help him more. I want a quick fix and obviously this not realistic. How long do I wait, is it posible he will ever feel strong enough to be with me again? These are the questions I ask myself every day!

I waited five years for my ex to get help. He never did! I really wouldn't wait around. I learned my lesson.

He is getting help for his bipolar with medication and going to therapy about once a month but is this going to be enough for him to get his life toether. It has only been a few months so I need to be patient. I love him so much I want to there to support him.

That's how often most people see their psychiatrists. Therapy is supposed to be more often than that. I mean, a nami meeting once a month, a therapist two to four times a month, psychiatrist once a month (or more if the meds are problematic).

That's not therapy, that's lying to yourself and stringing people (you) along.

If the therapy is useless then will he ever get better? He was going to therapy about 3 times a month but then the doctor cut it down. Why would he do that if it was not good for him. He's on welbutrin and likes the doctor so he believes he is stabalizing his mood but I don't think he is really dealing with his issues. Is it to soon to tell?

When in doubt, follow the money trail. Perhaps his health coverage will only cover x sessions and the doctor is trying to string them out for the year.

Maybe he hasn't been a good client or his therapist can't/won't see him anymore and he's shopping around for a new one.



You only know what he is telling you--you do not know if it is what the doctor is saying or not. And legally you have no right to know.



We all have issues, there's nothing special about that. It's what we do to prevent hurting ourselves and others while figuring out our less-than-ideal patterns.

I do not know the whole truth about whats going on with his therapy but I do know him. He is not a manipulator in any way. If anything he beats up on himself and thinks he does not deserve me or happiness. I truely belive he would not do things on purpose to hurt me.

Don't be so sure that he isn't a manipulator!

I'm sorry but I disagree with liz, some people have a hard time accepting that they have an illnes and need help. It has to be the hardest thing to do, next to making an apology when you're wrong or have done something to hurt someone you care about.
I'm sorry that the person you've waited around for 5 years did not get help, that is very unfortunate, however that is not always the case for everyone.
For 4 years i've been with my husband he didn't get help, he said he didn't need it, even though he was constantly trying to kill himself and act wreckless and destroy everyone around him, it took me being pregnant with our son and having to seperate from him before he realised how bad he had gotten.
I have talked to many people about this, and I cannot speak up for men with bi polar as I am a woman, but I can tell you this. It can destroy their ego, as a man, it can make them feel like a burden, it makes them feel weak, and not good enough, and afraid. And we all know how men love to express themselves... As it is.... Then something like this coming along and what do they have but their dignity....
Geneva, each person goes at their own pace while seeking support.
If he needs you, the best thing you can do for him is be there, and just be patient. This is a pretty huge pill to swallow and will take time.
If in the future you end up together and make a life together, know this. It will be a challenge, it will take more out of you than you may be prepared for, and I wish someone had told me this before I married my husband.
Therapy usually goes on several times a month depending on the therapist's availability, when they schedule you in, and stuff like that.
And I can see why you liz, would be cautious of the person being manipulative, and sometimes it seems like they are but they are just depressed... Nt something to take lightly.
This is stuff i'm learning as i'm going along, it's too much to remember all at once, and every day it's hard.
Liz, I really, I know you're hurt and I do not in any way mean to come across like a know-it-all because I don't know it all, but I acknowledge that your experience has been very negative. (hug)
good luck geneva.
~jenn

I didn't say it was the case for everyone. I just think people should becareful in this situation. My ex admits he has the illness, in fact he uses it as an excuse for everything he does. So, he isn't just in denial and needs help to comes to terms with it. He chooses not to take his medication like he should. In fact he loves the energy he has and doesn't want to "feel like someone else" as he always says. Nobody can make someone take the medication. What are you supposed to do, force it down his throat? He will promise to take it though, but never did. After we had our daughter, I hoped that would make him change. It didn't, in fact he was worse than before and continues to get worse each year. A one month supply of meds can last him 6 months or more sometimes. I waited around for 5 years for him to help himself. He played the sympathy card and had me feeling sorry for him so I stuck around, plus we have a daughter. Well, now I could care less what happens to him. I can't stand the guy for what he put me through. He was a terrible boyfriend and isn't a good father either. He chose not to take his medication, therefore he chose to treat me like crap by lying to me (he is a pathological liar), mental/verbal abuse, making crap up all of the time, starting fights for no reason, staying away for weeks at a time, etc. Our relationship was pure hell for me. I found out recently that he was messing around behind my back too. Thank god I wasn't sleeping with him anymore towards the end. I have found out some other things too, it turns out I never really knew him at all. He is nothing but a liar! I don't feel even one ounce of sympathy for the guy anymore. We have been apart now for 6 months and he still has not changed one bit. His own family can't stand him, what does that tell you?

Being with this person for 3 years and having him be the most creative, caring and funny person I have ever met makes me feel pretty confident that he is not a liar and a manipulative. He has alot of pride and feels like he is not good for anyone right know. It does not matter how much I tell him I love him or support him. But at the same time we still have a very close relationship. I am there for him when he need me and he trys his best to be there for me. It just seems there are good days when he is happy and attentive and then there are bad days when he is more withdrawn from me.
I just hope his medication is right for him. How long is it support to take to stabalize? He has been on it for about a month and a half.

Thank again for all your responces

Dear geneva,
my husband was heavily drinking, and wreckless, but this was back a few years ago and has struggled for 5 years with finding a therapist who didnt want to commit him and put him on a million drugs that affected him horribly... Just this last year we moved up to wa where he is seeing someone who has really regulated his meds, and actually diagnosed him. Now after treatments with an emdr through the vets center, he has been able to cope with his ptsd from the army, and has has a full year of anger management classes, group support, and a family that is rock solid to help him, he is just now, able to correct the dose of meds he is taking that's right for him, and he is just now able to sit through a conversation with me, and not lash out and immediately assume i'm ganging up on him.

It is a very long road ahead... And I would learn everything you can now while he's starting to get and recieve help, so you can support each other.
We've been seperated several times because it's soo hard trying to figure out what to do.
I'm not at all saying this to be negative to drag you down, it was our reality, and it wasn't easy., and sometimes it's still not easy, but it has been a lot more mellow recently, compared to even a year ago.
My hubby went the first 4 years of my knowing him, not ready for therapy, not ready to accept what was wrong, and refused to take his medication.
Once we found out we were having our son, things whirlwinded downward really fast and his mother had to get him help fast.... He was ready to commit suicide he was so miserable.
Once he situated with his mom, she took the innitiative and found the help he has now, and he stuck with it.
We have our little boy, now and those two are the best buddies.
He tries so hard to take his medication, he has to take it twice a day, with meals, and he has a watch where he set the two alarms to tell him when it's time, and it works.
He tells me immediately if he's getting stressed out, and I make sure something changes real quick to help calm the mood down. We've really been working on our open communication in the last year, letting him know i'm here when he needs to talk, and I let him come to me. So I guess the only lesson i've learned is patience.. Through thick and thin.. (for me that's hard) I usually don't have any lol
good luck to you...
~jenn

He is willing to get help, go to therapy and is taking his medication, which is wonderful.He still has a hard time expressing his feelings and have open communication to me. We talk all the time but he will not talk about his feelings or what he is going through with me. I want to help him, support him but he closes up around the subject.
He tells me that he does not understand his feelings or know why so it is impossible for him to talk to me about it.

Hopefully in the future he will feel comfortable enough to talk. I will be here when he is.

That's great. It looks like things are on the road to getting better.
Won't happen overnight, but with the will to do it, and all the support things will gradually get better.
I think it's super fantastic that you're there for him when he needs you, and the day will come when he will open up... It took a long time for my hubby to open up to me, boy was he stubborn lol
may peace be with you.

I am bipolar myself and just wanted to reply to what you said
it's not that your boyfriend doesnt want your love and support at this point and time becuase if he didnt then he would not be calling you for support or want you close by .....When someone is first dealing with there bipolar a lot of things are hard to handle and a relationship is one of them by staying friends with you right now he knows that he has your love and support with out all the problems and stress that naturally come with any relationship...Your best bet right now is just to be there for him and let him know that you are behind him a hundred percent dont force him to be more at this point becuase all that will do is push him away ..Maybe you could suggest that when he is ready ya'll attend councling together ..Also I would check into bipolar supprt groups for family and friends of people that have bipolar they are very helpful and will help you understand his disorder better and will also let him know that you are trying to understand!!! If you are interested in getting more information and want to talk further about it please feel free to email me..I will be more then willing to talk with you and answer any questions you may have about bipolar disorder or living with someone with bipolar disorder!

Hope this helps
steph

I am trying to just be his friend right now but I am a very emotional person so I take everything he does to heart. I always feel like hes doing things because he does not care. He is very forgetful so he will make plans with me and then make plans to do something else. He goes out at night and does not call to let me know where he is. I know he is not cheatig on me but he just forgets or does not think of calling. He does this with his family and friends but I get upset and cry over it.
I want to be strong for him and myself and want to support him through this. I just need to find a way to have better communication and realize he is not against me all the time.