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I Need Advice. Please Help.

:(

i have been with my girlfriend for 14 months now but things are going downhill very fast. I am at a loss of what to do about the situation at hand and I feel like I have tried everything I know of. I would appreciate any opinions or advice, because I am desperate.

We have known each other for a good number of years over the internet before we got together at all. During that time, I noticed a lot of off and on relationships with the people she had been seeing, as well as heard many things about her that I didn't like. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and for the first few months we were really pretty close.

After about 9 months into it I fell in love with her and we had not once shown signs of anything unhealthy stopping us from being happy. She expressed that she too loved me and from there we took the next step.

However, it was a little later that she started to change on me. She would rub me the wrong way, or do little things all of the time I wouldn't normally expect someone to be doing to a person they respected and loved.

I was unsure of any reason why she suddenly would be treating me this way so I felt like maybe I was misunderstanding her. I confronted her often time in a gentle and respectful way only to be met with hostility and temper, and more of the same inconsiderations and disrespect. In time, to make her happy, I let this go because in the end me confronting her caused more problems than it solved.

We began to have a real up and down, back and forth relationship that I felt very unstable to be part of. Not only was I harboring minor resent which I knew would build in time, she lacked the will to communicate at all about anything in general anymore. We began to seriously misunderstand each other in every way, and no longer connected the way we used to.

Now, when pushed, she does express the sensitivity and communication that she otherwise lacks, at the expense of our happiness once again through argument. She expects me to know how we make each other feel without letting me know when things go wrong. I only push things when I have had enough of the garbage I feel I am fed.

When we get along, we get along great. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else in the world. In an attempt to fix our misunderstandings and communication gap, I decided to pack up and head to where she lived and give us the opportunity to be together that we had wanted for a long time and wished for the entire relationship. It was a big sacrifice for me, and I thought it through many times. I even almost didn't go because of all of this, but I had to give her a second chance. I love her.

Now, a month later being here, new problems have arisen. I feel more like a pet she wishes to bring out when she is in need and still feel my needs are unmet, with excuses to boot for each and every situation. Eg, she has an excuse for why she can't open up, why she won't involve me in her life, why coming out to see me is such a 'daunting task' - all which were not ever a problem for her before. She does not involve me in her life (friends, family, parties) and expects me to be fine with this.

She has come clean about a guy who she said raped her. At first, all I knew was it was some guy she just met while we were online and she was friends with. I noticed a few strange things about him, though - things that made me uncomfortable for them to be hanging out. She insisted that she could handle herself and could be trusted, even if I stated perfectly clear that I was not mistrusting her.

Later on, after a month or two of disappearing, she fessed up this rape issue. Hard to swallow but I did what I could to be there for her. Now, she has 'forgiven' him and wants to put it all behind her. Something I did not particularly bode well with at the time, but what can you do?

What she confessed was she actually dated him before she got with me. Why it was hidden, I was unsure of but very suspicious of. The drama built up about this ex relationship is still very strong and causing her stress, as if it had only just recently ended before I arrived. Her not telling me in the beginning about him has brooded a little mistrust that she has in no way tried to heal between us-as well as the rape situation. Regardless, I do my best to deal. Maybe I am in denial about it?

I have become fed up with the treatment and have no longer been so delicate with confronting her about much, which she now uses as excuses as to why she did things like this in the first place. I am nice, not stupid.

She tells me she loves me all of the time, but there are many times she does not act accordingly and it confuses me. It has gone on long enough that I feel she is instead manipulative and seeks security, or she chooses to hear what she wants and refuses to see what is really infront of her (she suddenly has a different view of me than I really am, but that is not any of my doing that I know of).

When it comes down to it, I have tried to take steps back, tried to be accomodating to her needs, tried to confront things in different ways, to no avail. Nothing works. It is like she doesn't want this to work, even if she says she does want it. I moved out here and don't feel like we are a couple. I feel played. Maybe I was very foolish for coming out here.

For any of you still reading, what should I do about this? I love her too much to give up, but I don't think she will ever change. I have been unhappy for far too long, it in itself is causing problems. Should I break this before it gets worse? Head on home?

I'm not saying it is all her; I am far from perfect myself. But I have been willing to discuss and communicate our needs to each other in a way to fix this and be happy together. She just doesn't seem interested in putting effort into that. This is causing more grief than I am leading you on to believe. :( please help. :(
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replied November 17th, 2005
Experienced User
You need to ask yourself this question: are you happy? Yes, couples have problems, they fight, they yell, they scream, they argue, they make up. But through it all they still know they're happy and wouldn't change anything. In my opinion I think some fighting in a relationship is actually healthy, who wants to be perfect 24/7 right? And no one actually is so if everything is bottled up and not said in the end it's just going to be worse then had you said it right away. Just my thinking though.

You say you love her, but contrary to movies and country music love isn't always enough. There has to be respect in a relantionship, understanding, compromsing, trust, honesty all those important things along with love. If you feel like you're being used in some way or not getting what you want out of the relantionship, like not being involved in her life in any way, then I think it's either time you speak up and really make her listen and tell her what this is doing to you or pack up and find someone who is willing to give you what you're lacking.

Moving on is never easy, if it was there wouldn't be forums titled broken hearted. But just ask yourself that question because in your message it really doesn't sound like you are. And you can't live your life being unhappy. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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replied November 19th, 2005
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it. I know you are right. My speaking up gets me nowhere since there is a huge communication gap and she is too defensive to look beyond her perspective. I may had been too stubborn and willing to work it out but in the end, I don't see it working for me at all anymore. Thanks again.
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