Dear paul,


where do I start?

There are so many things i've been feeling and a lot i've ben worried about, emotionally and physically.

First off I just wanna say I love you no matter what I worry about or what I say.

Lately I have been thinking about a couple of things and they have been playing on my mind for ages.
Look you're right, there is a big age gap.

You know I love everything about you, including your age, but i've ben thinking 'well your 40 and you were in a 15 year relationship and you never settled down, what makes me any different?

You might be happy not being serious but i'm not.
I want to get married and I especially want a baby as soon as I can because I believe that is what im made to do.

I think motherhood is the career I want most, and you know what the worst thing is?
I know you don't want the same thing, but it's only you I want to experience this with.
It's you I want to grow old with, i't's you I love more than anything in the world, more than anyone i've ever loved, but mostly, it's you I want to be the father of my baby.

I know you also say all these things about not trusting me too but trust me babe, no matter how much it seems i'm up to mischief, i'm not really.

Me having the secret email address wasn't as bad as you see it, it was my little naughty thing, but I barely talked to anybody in there, and if I did it wasn't flirting whatsoever.

I'm so scared of you leaving me suddenly, with nothing because I am 100% sure I want to be with you for the rest of my life, and that is why I have so much trouble talking to you lately, because you don't understand how I feel whatsoever, and because we seem to want different things.

That's also why i've been really depressed as well.
All I want is to be a mum and nothing or no'one can stop me feeling like this, and you telling me I have plenty of time for that makes me angry, because you don't know that.

What if I suddenly had to have a hysterectomy next week?
What if I had kidney failure tomorrow?
Well then that would be it.

I don't care if I have plenty of time, my heart knows what it wants to do.
I hope you can understand that.

This is all killing me so muchnbecause my head is constantly full of these thoughts from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep at night and I can't control it either because the urge is too strong.

I seriously need to do something about this because as time goes on I think more and more about it and sink further and further into depression.

I won't blame you if this is too much for you and you want to walk away now.
All I know is I can't ignore the urge, no matter how hard I try.

The urge to have a baby for me is like the urge for us to go to the toilet when we are busting to go.

Well i'm glad I finally got all this out somehow and I will probably be able to talk to you much easier.

Email me back as soon as you get the chance and tell me how you feel about this because i'm too scared to talk over the phone about it.

Remember - you can walk away if you dont like this, because my mind isn't going to be changed about how I feel.

I love you so much


pain in my heart

i feel this big pain in my heart
it started when cruel fate tore us apart
still everynight you are in my dream
imagining your smiles, how on me, it'd beam

i can still feel your pokes
although they only felt like strokes
looking at the screen, seeing you playing together
this big pain in my heart, I will feel it forever

i will never see your faces
and cute little noses
for you are up in heaven
amongst all the roses.

Forever now i'll wonder
what life would have been
if this pain in my heart
was all make believe


mummy will always love you!