i'm sitting at home feeling half hyperactive and half mixed up emotionally, just hoping that my period doesn't come next week.
Part of me is telling myself it's not coming while the other part is saying 'i'm not that lucky and I dont deserve to be pregnant and happy again.
I've been thinking about what to do if I am pregnant and i'm thinking of just packing my bags and leaving paul (my boyfriend) while he's away at the gym or something, just so he cant harm my baby or influence me to harm my baby either
i love paul so much but most of the time I feel like I just want to end my life because of all the fights and because I want to be with sarah and lucy again.
I know if me and paul break up there would be a million guys who would wantto settle down with a baby with me, but he is the man I want for the father of my baby, and he is the one I want to grow old with.
How could I ever think of another man?
And how could he ever think I dont want him and i'm sneaking around with other men?
I wish he could just accept that I dont care about his age, I love him and his age and everything that comes along with him!
(i'm 20 - paul's 40)
i just don't know what im gonna do if I dont become pregnant again soon, I just want another chance at being a mum.
I miss the emotions I felt when i'd get sick and know its my baby making me ill, and putting on a singlet and seeing my tiny stomach popping out so early in the pregnancy, the joy of swapping pregnancy stories with my sisters (i'm the baby of the family)
and most of all, the joy of feeling those butterflies and knowing it was my baby twin daughters saying hello and then seeing them on the screen hiccupping and playing with each other.
I hope and pray that paul will suddenly turn to me and tell me he'd love nothing more than to have a baby with me right now, but I know that is never gonna happen.
In the meantime I will just hope and pray that a miracle will happen at the end of the month, sinking into a depper depression and thinking more of giving up everytime my hopes get dashed
my period is due next friday on the 25th of november 2005, so I will just keep laying in bed daydreaming and begging and pleading with the heavens above to let me become a mum to be again after sarah and lucy were so cruelly taken away from me
pain in my heart
i feel this big pain in my heart
it started when cruel fate tore us apart
still everynight you are in my dream
imagining your smiles, how on me, it'd beam
i can still feel your pokes
although they only felt like strokes
looking at the screen, seeing you playing together
this big pain in my heart, I will feel it forever
i will never see your faces
and cute little noses
for you are up in heaven
amongst all the roses.
Forever now i'll wonder
what life would have been
if this pain in my heart
was all make believe