I Started Cutting

Once you start cutting its hard to stop and even when you do tell people its even harder because they look at you like your crazy and want to put you on all kinds of drugs i'm 15 now and ive been cutting seince I was 10 and I havent stopped a day in my 5 years I cant go a day one day without dragging a razor down my arms.........I dont know if I can help you stop but im here if you need someone to talk to im the same as you

Your not crazy its just something is wrong and like I said if you tell someone you cut and you like the feeling the look at you like your crazy and tell you well you need to fix this you need to fix that you need to get out more you need to stop leaving in the past they tell you all kinds of crap crazy people dont know their crazy but everyone knows when something is wrong but no drug no nothing can ever make you better less you want to help your self first (witch I dont find true but thats what they tell ya)

Hi september,
i don't think you are crazy. I think you are hurting and want to feel something, anything. Personally, I can't stand to be in pain so I don't think I could cut myself, but I always liked getting sick when I was a kid so I could finally get some attention.

I wrote to alonewithout.... Earlier. My heart goes out to you both. I'm an old person to you (51), sheesh, i'm a old person to myself. But I remember the pain of not having friends in school, not what I would call a true friend anyway. My way to cope was to eat, so I am fat. Something had to make me feel good. Cutting is your way to feel good in a different way. You want to feel. I think a therapist would say you are wanting attention.

Well, we all want attention! We all want people to think we are important and matter. Sadly, the human race isn't like that and it actually seems to be growing further apart as my years go by. Everyone lives a too-fast life and can't stop and smell the roses. And you and alone are the roses.

I don't want to write a book like I did with alone because i'm sure you are probably getting bored. I don't know what to tell you about the cutting. I would think it's dangerous, but i'm sure you've thought of that. I think what's more important is that you feel like you matter and you do. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow or next year or ten years. You may become the mother or grandmotherof a u.S. President, who knows.

I think you should get some help, but i'm not sure where. I'm not a therapist. I can understand you not wanting to go to your parents. Is there any adult at your school that you trust? Can you check if there are any free help places in your area? You are 18 now and I don't think anyone can tell your parents what you are doing without your consent. I hope and pray that you will be able to confide in your parents soon though, but I also understand your hesitation.

Please don't just let this slide. Become active in helping yourself. You are important, very important in this world. And you may be surprised at how many people actually do love and like you but can't or won't tell you that. We all have our own little problems and sometimes it's just not possible to forget our problems to help others with their problems.

Please email me anytime you want. I hope you and lonely continue emailing to each other but don't start any pity parties without me.

Take care and god bless...
Carol
cargill 214@yahoo.Com

Hey carol, reeading your reply made me smile. Thank you.. =)

i knew I cut because I wanted attention.. There's no doubt about that.. But after I cut myself, I hide my wounds. I get scared when people stare at them or if someone asked what happened.. It's so weird...

I don't know why do I have or keep a cellphone.. The only time it rings is in the middle of the night.. My siblings will call me to unlock the doors because my parents lock them out for passing curfew. I always wonder when I see other teens yapping on the phone for hours, what do they have to talk about...??

Hey alonewithouthope, I know what you mean about "helping yourself".. My aunt (who's single) had depression too a few years back, and my dad took her to a psychiatrist.. His other siblings scolded him (they think that he shouldn't take her to a psychiatrist), but my dad knew that he was doing what's right for her and told them, "if my children had the same problem, i'd take them to a psychiatrist as well." this scares me.. I don't want to see a psychiatrist.. Probably that's why i'm not gonna tell my parents about this..

Oh, by the way.. I'm male..

Oops, it would be a little difficult to beome a mother wouldn't it? But who knows, with all the advances in science these days......... :)

talking on the telephone - that is a big one. I never had any trouble whenever I had a boyfriend, but other than that I never knew what to say. I still don't know what to say sometimes, many times and I don't have a cell phone (i did, but it was never used for calling out or in).

It's interesting that you just brought that up about not knowing what to say. I was thinking about that 2 days ago and saw a book that supposedly will teach me how to talk to people. I can download it over the net for $30 bucks, but that's expensive for me for something I don't think could really work. But you never know.. ;) if you are interested, i'll send the web address to you when I go home (at work, lunch right now).

Who knows, maybe one of us could find out how to talk to people and teach each other. Mind you, I am not a shrinking violet or wall flower. I am a secretary to a police chief is a pretty large city so I know how to talk to people, I always try to be pleasant and smile a lot. But if we were to walk outside of the office, no way.

I know that we're suppose to try and get interested in the other person's life. Notice little things they say and do and expand from there. We're not suppose to focus very much on ourselves. And the biggest thing I have heard is that we are supposed to be good listeners. I guess I haven't been or done any of those things.

Well, i've written too much as it is so I better close. Try and come up with a hobby that will distract you from wanting to cut yourself (like stamp collecting, gag). I have been told to do that though.

Take care and god bless...
Carol

I never cut but know what it means to be utterly alone, even in a crowd. Depression was my constant companion, spent the 1st half of my life a total introvert and living in fear.

Even so, knew instinctively there were wonders beyond the thin veil of life and that I would find peace, and I have. It all began with one word, hu.

Sounds too simple, but the mind cannot grasp what lies outside itself and will fight you to the end to remain in control. You already know what that feels like.

We are not our mind or our emotions, we are soul and exist apart from the temporal reality of the physical world. But, we use the mind, emotions and the physical body to gain experience here. I know i'm going on but can't stop till this is fully explained.

Soul knows by direct perception, it does not think, just knows and imagines. The mind imagines too so don't be deceived, when mind imagines it creates negative images and thoughts that are destructive. Soul only creates what is healthy and good for us, so now you have a way to know if it's you or the mind that's in control.

How does one wrestle control away from the mind and emotional body?
Sing hu, it is a powerful and ancient name for god. It is non-denominational anyone can sing it. Even if you don't believe there is a god it works, if you do it properly.

This is key, sing it with as open a heart as possible. Works best when sung with gratitude for life itself, as a thank you for just being alive. If you can count blessings beyond that you're on a roll.

You are soul and you exist because god loves you, just because, not because you deserve it but because god is love and can do no less. Totally unconditional.

I share this because this has transformed my life beyond measure.
Sing aloud when alone for greatest effect. Also works when sung quietly inside oneself. Anymore I sing it almost all the time, just a little hu on my outward breath.

Pronounced like the name hugh but drawn out huuuuuuuuuu

do with this info as you wish.
Monk

It's so true.. You do something that makes you happy, and some people think that you're crazy.. Talking is good, but I think they rather not talk to us because they don't know what to say and what not to say, afraid that what they say might provoke us to do something worse..

I've been cutting a lot less these days.. I've been doing stuff that make me happy; like singing, playing with my dogs, playing the piano and scribbling on paper.. Haha.. You may call me 'not-cool', but I love singing music from the golden era and playing phantom of the opera on the piano.. =)

hu... How do I sing hu..? Do I replace the "la la la la" with "hu hu hu hu"..? Just wondering.. Anyhow, thank you all so much.. You're all such nice people..

Sing the name hugh like it's a word in a song but draw it sort of like
hhhuuuuuuuuuoooooooo

enjoyed your last post, that's the spirit, cool is an illusion, joy is the natural state of soul which is you.

I can't.. I just can't stop.. I tried to, but I only lasted 3 days without cutting.. The next day, I started to cut myself again.. I cut myself so many times, so deep, it actually hurt.. Then I noticed that my blade was rusty.. I hope I don't get an infection of any sort.. What should I do..? What are the risks am I at for cutting with a rusty blade..?

Can you go to a clinic or something and get a tetanus shot? Go someplace where nobody knows you so they won't call your parents, but they shouldn't anyway since you are 18. But, you could go to your regular doctor and maybe they'll see this as a cry for help and actually help you.

Don't give up. You went 3 days without cutting. That's great!!! I've read or seen something that cigarette smokers who are trying to quit should just go one day at a time. If you fail today, try again tomorrow to not cut or to cut less.

It would help you to get some sort of an anti-depressant (very small dosage), but I don't know how you feel about them. I've been on them for a few years for chronic pain and found them to be most helpful. One certain type is good for people who do an action obsessively or hurts us. You could try that kind. As a teen, though, you should be monitored so I don't know if you'd like that.

If you are in a college town or the like, you could find a free or cheap clinic that might become your primary doctor. They do tend to care about people more so than private practice docs.

Don't give up. Remember one day at a time. Maybe even one hour at a time. Whatever helps you. Wear a rubberband around your wrist and snap it when you get the urge to cut. Remember, we all have weaknesses and do something someone else might consider strange. We are humans, not robots. We have emotions, thank god. But work on them. Set goals for yourself. You can do it. You were smart enough to look for help on the internet and their health boards. You are smart enough to get the help you need and want.

Take care. You are at a vulnerable age when we all ask, "who am i" and other similar questions. Relax, you'll find yourself. And also remember, humor is the best medicine.

God bless...
Carol

Hi, I use to cut myself all of the time also.....It's not easy to stop once you've started...So please stop now before it's even harder.....When I did it I did out as a "self-atonement" kind of thing....I was depressed from a miscarriage and I felt so horrible....But there is more to life than this.....You are only 18 years old...You have your whole life ahead of you.....There will be hard times...But try to find the best in every situation...And know that you have friends on this very chatroom to talk to .....We are here if you need us....Please don't cut yourself anymore....It only will make things worse.....
~brit~

Carol.. I don't think I can ever last 3 days without cutting again, so i'm trying out what you told me to do, one day at a time.. It's working so far.. Wish me luck.. =) I had a family gathering dinner just now.. All my cousins were there.. Aunts, uncles, everyone.. Because one of my uncle is a doctor, I figured that he'd know those wounds were self-inflicted, so I covered my wounds with gauze.. It's funny how everyone paid more attention to me when I covered my wounds.. Days ago when I had an outing with my cousins, they didn't even notice my wounds.. Hmm...... Does that mean I shouldn't cover my wounds so that I won't attract more attention..? This can be so confusing..

Brit.. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.. Yes, i'm already trying to stop cutting, but it's not as easy as I thought.. Thanks for your support..

I find it weird.. Before I started cutting, I already heard news that it would be hard to stop once I have started.. But still, I thought that I was different and that I could stop easily.. How wrong I was.. Maybe it's a teenager's thing.. We think that we know everything.. We want to challenge things and try it on ourselves before we actually believe that it's true.. So my advice to everyone out there who wants to start cutting is to not start...!!!! Whoever you are, whatever your age is.. Just don't start cutting.. Quitting cutting is extremely difficult.. Believe me.. So please, just don't start..

I started cutting as a child, using my nails to draw blood because it helped me control my emotions, and when I got older, I began to use an x-acto knife, which, like yours, became rusty. Obviously for health reasons you should clean it, but then again, cleaning it means admitting to yourself that you want to cut yourself and do not want to stop.

I think you have a couple questions to ask yourself. First, why did you cut in the first place? What was it that made you think about doing it?
And secondly, how far can you go? Right now, you've already talked about being excited for the night to come so you can hurt yourself. I'm telling you now that eventually you won't be able to wait that long. You will start using anything. I've used the backs of earrings, nails, even dull but rough surfaces (the rough underside of a table, for instance). It's sad how inventive we become when we want to hurt ourselves.

Essentially what i'm saying is that it only gets worse. Don't put off talking to someone about it because you're afraid or nervous. If you don't want to go on medication, tell the doctor. A doctor can also help you think about the best way to tell family members, if you decide you want to. You have a lot more control in these situations than you think. The most important thing is to stop before it's impossible. Eventually, little cuts won't be enough. You might need stitches. You'll scar. You'll lose mobility in your hands and arms. People will always stare. You'll sweat in the summer hiding under layers of clothes, covering not just your arms, but your legs, stomach, feet, thighs...You will run out of room on your arms.

Get help. Get rid of whatever you're using to cut yourself. And stop being afraid- you really are just one of many, many people who feel this way.

Hi, sorry for my bad english.

Dude you are normal.
Every body like to hurt them selves sometimes.
The only diference is that people just use diferent methods.
I smoke cigaretes until I feel seek. Drink until I pass.
It`s ok do what you are doing but watch not to get infected and
most important fokus on your life. We are here for more than couple of years :) who knows what tomorow brings.
Take care and don`t give a f**k, you are all right...

September65,
haven't heard from you for a while. How are you doing? Let us know. We do care.
Carol

Jeez, I didn't realise how much I missed on this.

Sorry I haven't wrote any message.

Reply september65- like catswold said you haven't wrote anything. I would like to know your ok too!!

Btw, I have just read all your posts on this forum and if I wasn't annoyed atm I would shed a tear for you. You have done so well mate, you really have. Your trying so hard, and keeping your mind on the right path. Fair enough, you can't just stop striaght away. But you are trying.

Well done mate, good luck :)

kitty

Heya...! 8)

i have stopped cutting.. I have lasted for 3 weeks without cutting now and i´m very happy that my wounds have healed and there´s not a single scar at all.. It´s quite unbelievable that the spot on my arm where I have cut myself for more than 70 times, is now healed..

Actually, just last week, I wanted to start cutting again. I even got myself a new cutter. I stared at the razor for sometime.. Then I cut some paper with it. Then I put the razor into a book with my old razor, closed the book and went to sleep..

Cutting was a way for me to feel in control of myself during depression. Talking was a better way to overcome my depression. Sometimes, you just have to open up your mouth and ask for help. You would be surprised at how many people who are willing to help and care for us.

I would now like to thank everyone who have been there for me..
Thank you, carol and kitty, and everyone else!!